Dd not getting ready to go out

[Itsmehiimtheproblemitsmee]

Dd, 4 and a half drives me insane with the amount of time she takes to get ready. It’s stressful in the morning with having to get ready, her get ready, then to school then me straight to work. It’s rarely straightforward and easy, no matter what I try.
Today is a day off school, it’s sunny & bright and I said we could go to the cafe at the beach and have a coffee and ice cream. I was looking forward to it as I’m off work and had the day planned, that we’d go this morning and come back in the afternoon to do painting etc.
Dd was excited about it.
It’s 10.40 am and I’m sat fully dressed and ready and she’s in her pyjamas still.
I asked her to get ready before, I’d put her clothes out when I was getting ready, I came down and she was still playing and wasn’t dressed. I told her it was time to get dressed, she continued playing, it ended up with me getting cross and frustrated and her speaking rudely to me and me putting her for time out on the stairs.
When it was time to come down she asked if we were going for an ice cream and I said no, that she’s missed her chance and explained (lots) why. She’s now sat here and keeps asking why we can’t go for one and said sorry.
I used to be sure of myself as a mum, but not recently. I feel stressed all the time and like the nice day off has been ruined.
Did I do the right thing? What would you have done, where would you go from here? Just stay in?
Don’t know what I’m doing wrong, she’s such hard work and never was when younger.

Jeeeeez, she's four! My 10 year old and 7 year old still can't manage it some days

Probably worth changing your daily routine. So get dressed before coming downstairs for breakfast.

Then there's not the opportunity to start playing and get immersed in toys

At that age you need to turn off anything that's distracting them. I need to do that now and DD is almost 10. Haha

OP you must be made of steel to post this ok AIBU. Even Ghandi would get a bashing on here.

sounds like a tough shitty morning, one bad morning doesn’t make you a bad mum. What you described is my daughter, some days she will get dressed on the first ask, and other days its like talking to a brick wall. They are so easily distracted by everything and have no concept of time so to them they don’t understand.

i find that if i’m tired or feeling cranky myself thess things seem extra hard.

glad you went out and had a nice day in the end.

with every age some things get easier and some things get harder, sometimes you just have to pick your battles. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

I know what you mean my DD has been washing her own clothes since the age of 7 her choice so is very able . I would stand over her at age 4 so she gets a move on she still needs a lot of prompting now.

I think this is the natural consequence of parents allowing pyjamas downstairs. (I’m not British and in our culture pyjamas outside the bedroom are considered the height of slovenliness)*

I have to respond to this. I am British, and the only time my children ever wore nightwear downstairs was if they were too ill to get dressed and had to lie on the sofa (I'm thinking norovirus here). There's not much that's more slovenly than nightwear outside the bedroom.

That aside:

@Itsmehiimtheproblemitsmee

A few thoughts, in the hope that at least one might be useful.

You had a particular plan in your mind about a nice day off. Your daughter didn't have the same plan in her mind, because she's not a mum who is normally at work. For her, it was probably nice just to be playing at home, rather than being bundled off to school in a rush. Whereas for you, it would have been nice to have had a proper change of scenery with your favourite little person. Neither of you was 'wrong'!

Defiance is very normal in an awful lot of four-year-olds, and I wouldn't start thinking about SN unless you have a very, very good reason for this. If you are generally calm and nice-natured, you're a sitting target for a 4 yo who is testing the boundaries like mad.

It's easy to think if you have an 'easy' small child that you just need to keep on doing what you've been doing. However, all children are challenging at some point; your DD is doing it now. Your job is to decide what really matters, and let the other things go. If you can say yes, say yes. If you say no, you have to mean it.

Don't try to negotiate with a 4 yo. It's okay to pull rank. Rudeness and any kind of aggression result in a consequence (preferably a natural consequence). But don't double punish (I did this at times, and regretted it). And don't threaten punishments which go into the future (things like "if you are rude again, you can't go to X's party next week" are meaningless to a child of that age, and just cause you to have to row back and you then feel crap for backtracking).

Is your DD your only child? I ask because this stuff is generally far easier if you have more than one. If you are all ready to go, and one is not complying, then you just stick them in the car/buggy as they are, take clothes/coats/whatever and tell them that if they want to join in, they need to put their coat/wellies/whatever on, otherwise they'll just have to watch everyone else having fun. They tend to comply at that point. If your DD is an only child, try imagining that she isn't!

Even if you do all this, you'll still have days when you think you've got it all wrong. But every day is a new day, and so long as you say goodnight on good terms, it will be fine.

You always get the 'experts' OP. I'd be interested to know if their confidence comes from having completed the parenting journey to their children's well adjusted adulthood, or just an unshakeable belief in their own superiority.
You're clearly a good mum doing your best, and the methods of dealing with this sort of behaviour are varied, with success of each largely dependent on the personality of the child concerned. You've had lots of suggestions, and if you come from a place of love and empathy, which you clearly do, you'll figure out a way that works for you, and it will end up fine.

“ waiting for her to get ready “ ? Are you serious ? She’s 4 ! Parent your child, you tell her what you want her to do, and, with help from you when needed, she does it. This is ridiculous.

@Itsmehiimtheproblemitsmee I meant to say that my children are all adults now, and they are all nice, pleasant, reliable, well-adjusted individuals. Even though I didn't always get it right when they were 4 (or 14, come to that). To use a phrase I first came across on MN about 16 years ago: this, too, will pass.

She's 4. Just help her. It's not worth getting into a battle over this. Take the path of least resistance, especially when you have to be somewhere. You won't be dressing her when she's 14, trust me.

@Fifi0000 I hope your 7 year old can do a full family wash and also iron it...

I have this problem too the only difference my kids are 13 and 15! I still literally have to bark orders at my ds to get ready now. At 4 I would literally be helping him get dressed. Yes there would be battles but I think you will find that most of us do. A Parent at school has been known to bring her child into school in pjs for the teacher to get them dressed in reception class !

My 4 year old is awful for this. That's why I insist on clothes going on before breakfast (on a working day at least). Then at least it's only coat/shoes/bathroom trip to negotiate in order to get out of the house! If getting dressed is a particular flashpoint at the moment then I'd definitely shake up your routine there. No reason why you can't relax on it again once she's a bit older. They are always changing, and sometimes your routines just need to adapt a bit to deal with particular challenges. Glad you got your nice trip out in the end.

Now you know how your daughter felt.

@Daffodilfrog Yes, that could be right

I think you have high expectations of a 4 year old...or older. Kids this age are easily distracted and have little appreciation of time. At this age I was hovering, prompting, supporting (even nagging). At times I'd just dress em myself (roughly, with a bit of chastising). What I didn't do was waste a day. Have the icream, miss the painting. Read a story or do some simple colouring later on.
I'd hate to imagine how you're going to be when she's older an you expect her to tidy her room. My 12 year old granddaughter can take days to compete this task!

@niugboo Pardon?

Do you have a personal issue with this? Your comments don’t feel right to me and I feel uncomfortable. You don’t know me and what kind of person I am, please don’t use me as a scapegoat for whatever is going on for you. I wish you well. I feel sufficiently crap and guilty for the way I am currently as a mum, it’s ok I feel it.

@JudgeRudy Yes, I’m always there helping, supporting and nagging too

@peppermintzero Yes, I think perhaps just getting dressed and getting that out of the way might help. She tends to be hungry straightaway in the morning and want to go downstairs for breakfast, also it might get messy on her clothes, so is a bit of a hard one 🤔

@5128gap Thank you so much 🌸

@KingHungDong Yes, she’s an only (is it that obvious 😂) I can’t have more.
Thank you, that’s really helpful

@Covetthee Thank you 😊
Yes, I wasn’t prepared for for some replies! I wasn’t expecting some the way they are written, but it’s ok, I’m able to look at myself and I now see the easy years are over for me

@Dishwashersaurous Yes, I was thinking this, it’s just as I said above, she’s generally hungry when she wakes up and we go straight down. We take it fairly easy in the morning, some breakfast, a little tv, she doesn’t get toys out or play on school days. Then we get dressed, shoes and hair and go

@Hopkin1982 Thank you 😊 I nearly always have to start getting ready extra early in preparation 🙈

Mine is always keen on breakfast first thing too, but that can actually be an incentive to just get dressed so they can come and eat! I find at this age the mess is usually not too bad if you push the chair in close enough to the table so reach things easily, but if it's something particularly messy then you can always use a paper napkin or a bit of kitchen roll over their jumper as an impromptu bib. Tbh I'd rather have to wipe off a smear of jam from a sleeve sometimes than face WW3 over getting dressed when the immediate incentive of breakfast afterwards is gone!

I never let them go downstairs undressed to start the day. Always dressed then breakfast. Sometimes it meant changing if there had been a spill but I'm worse than them so wore an over cardigan.

Mine were definitely dressing themselves by 3. That's school age here so it'd be a nightmare for school if they couldn't make a good stab at it themselves.

If it's any consolation I took DD2 to school in her pjs. Amazingly she managed to get dressed in the 5 minute drive and she never pulled that stunt again.