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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd not getting ready to go out

373 replies

Itsmehiimtheproblemitsmee · 16/03/2023 10:48

Dd, 4 and a half drives me insane with the amount of time she takes to get ready. It’s stressful in the morning with having to get ready, her get ready, then to school then me straight to work. It’s rarely straightforward and easy, no matter what I try.
Today is a day off school, it’s sunny & bright and I said we could go to the cafe at the beach and have a coffee and ice cream. I was looking forward to it as I’m off work and had the day planned, that we’d go this morning and come back in the afternoon to do painting etc.
Dd was excited about it.
It’s 10.40 am and I’m sat fully dressed and ready and she’s in her pyjamas still.
I asked her to get ready before, I’d put her clothes out when I was getting ready, I came down and she was still playing and wasn’t dressed. I told her it was time to get dressed, she continued playing, it ended up with me getting cross and frustrated and her speaking rudely to me and me putting her for time out on the stairs.
When it was time to come down she asked if we were going for an ice cream and I said no, that she’s missed her chance and explained (lots) why. She’s now sat here and keeps asking why we can’t go for one and said sorry.
I used to be sure of myself as a mum, but not recently. I feel stressed all the time and like the nice day off has been ruined.
Did I do the right thing? What would you have done, where would you go from here? Just stay in?
Don’t know what I’m doing wrong, she’s such hard work and never was when younger.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsmehiimtheproblemitsmee · 16/03/2023 22:41

@Shakespeareandi I definitely feel like that and genuinely want to know how to make this process easier and if I’m doing the right thing. Without sounding smug, and I never was, I honestly thought parenthood was pretty much a breeze up until a year or so ago, of course I was exhausted and missed my freedom etc etc, but everything ran pretty smoothly, everything worked…it doesn’t feel like that nowadays, we have fantastic times and a really strong, loving bond, but I feel like I’m at loggerheads with my own child a lot and don’t know how it got to this point at this age!

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsmehiimtheproblemitsmee · 16/03/2023 22:44

@Elaina87 Solidarity!

It’s so stressful, isn’t it?
The school run was one of the things I was really looking forward to 😬how wrong I was 😅
It’s like a crazy, rushed drop, then a drive to work…where I park quickly around the corner, put some make up on, take a min breather and then go in

OP posts:
Neurotic90 · 16/03/2023 22:52

If its possibly the transition from play time/screen time to getting ready a visual timer might help, can get them on amazon. "OK DD, you can have 5 more minutes playing, but when the timer buzzes we must get dressed". Its quite common for kids to struggle with transition at this age and the timer makes things clearer with a visual and audible cue.

Original poster
Itsmehiimtheproblemitsmee · 16/03/2023 22:56

@Neurotic90 That sounds good, I can actually see her liking something like that

OP posts:
Welshmonster · 16/03/2023 23:40

Totally get where you are coming from. Have you tried a visual timetable so she knows the order to put on clothes then as she does it she puts the symbol away.

then draw a picture for going out with the clothes and staying in pyjamas means stay home. She can pick and feel in charge.

sand timer is visual to know not much remaining.

as for those saying their kids can’t get dressed. Take time and teach them now as when they go to school they need to do it independently as the teacher can’t dress 30 kids for PE.

Luckyduc · 16/03/2023 23:53

Reception teacher here 🙋‍♀️

I have a class of 26 and I can honestly say, all of them need help dressing themselves when we have p.e.

You're expecting too much at a young age.

Clars10 · 17/03/2023 00:16

I don’t think you did anything wrong. Every action has a consequence, she delay to get ready now she doesn’t get the ice cream…
If she keeps learning this, she will self correct and 4 years old is not so young to learn that… there is also tons of books to help parents to achieve this (raise with boundaries); after 3 they start to understand this behavior…
Is difficult but hang in there, maternity is not easy, raising functional humans is not easy but she will learn same as you are doing…

the importance piece is that once you take the decision you don’t back out of it, otherwise she will also learn this

RosyappleA · 17/03/2023 00:29

I understand OP. My DD since 18 months would not wear any clothes I wanted her to wear. For example, she would have a tantrum if she wanted a certain dress which really wasn’t appropriate for the season etc. sometimes she would want the same dress from yesterday that was in the wash and have a tantrum over that. I had to adapt and leave 2 hours for us to get anywhere. Sometimes I would have to just put her in the push chair and leave screaming but she’d be fine the second she got outside.
Now what helps us is that she picks her clothes herself the night before and starts to get excited about our plans tomorrow.
I read a parenting article and it suggested to do what you did and the next time she will understand. Fingers crossed.

EmmaDilemma5 · 17/03/2023 03:01

Being headstrong may just be her character. It will serve her well in some ways, and it others it won't.

No 4 year old is perfect.

I have a 4 year old and feel your pain, but I feel you need to manage your expectations; I think you expect too much of her. She's still very small (and therefore selfish).

Mumof2girls2121 · 17/03/2023 04:59

you could get ready together, or give her a countdown style warning to get ready like 5 mins we are leaving , 4 mins we are leaving etc if your not ready you have only 1 minute, quick let’s get you dressed.
I think the lack of listening to you is what’s annoying you, so while I wouldn’t of taken her for the ice cream at that point to help her learn to listen, I would continue with the other nice activities and if she’s good let her have a different treat.
every mum gets frustrated at times.
sometimes a day off is better unplanned and less stressful if you just go with their flow see how it takes you.

Doone21 · 17/03/2023 06:15

That's just stupid, all it teaches her is that she can ignore her mum and still get rewards

Doone21 · 17/03/2023 06:18

I get you, that's the bit where ideally you walk out for your fun day leaving hubby in charge instead. Nevermind. It gets better

Doone21 · 17/03/2023 06:20

Bitchy much? Did you not read she took all toys away, turned tv off, kid refuses help dressing as independent but still struggling to get her out the door.

Noicant · 17/03/2023 06:23

I just let DD miss out on stuff. And then point out that she couldn’t do that thing because she took long or wasn’t listening. I would get my own errands done first and then if there is time what she wanted to do. It’s slowly sinking in that by listening to me when it’s time to leave means she can have more time for her fun things.

I also give timed warnings or use a timer. She often does her own timer now if she really wants to do something. So I’ll say 15 minutes before we have to leave for swimming and she’ll run over to her timer and set it for 15 minutes. But she’s 3 so still a mix of wanting to please and not listening to a word I say.

Noicant · 17/03/2023 06:26

Also DD is 3 she can get knickers, socks , dress, shoes on easily, trousers and tops a bit more challenging but getting there. I don’t think thats too high an expectation, it’s just practice on her part and patience on mine. I watched a documentary about Japan and a 2yr old was dressing herself, gave me a kick up the arse to get on with encouraging more independence.

CalpolDependant · 17/03/2023 06:51

I came to this thread looking for solidarity. Thought it would be a bunch of mums whining about their teens. I cannot get my daughter to get ready in under 60 minutes to save my life.

But I completely misunderstood.

Dress the kid yourself and all the while make it teachable. Never remove a “future” privilege. They don’t have the required sense of self / time / delayed gratification to understand your punishment. Be grateful she’s 4 and not 14.

CalpolDependant · 17/03/2023 06:52

P.s mine could all physically dress themselves by about 2.5. But they would need jollying along alright.

Aspergirl77 · 17/03/2023 07:03

Have you tried using an egg timer to give her a visual indication of the timeframe you want her to get dressed in? When DS1 was little and had no real concept of time, he had a blue 10 minute one for getting dressed and a red 20 minute one for reading time. Might be worth a try?

Tophy124 · 17/03/2023 07:06

Yikes, you really need to look into age appropriate parenting. Saying to her we need to go now so we can have time to get an ice cream, otherwise we will be staying home….would have actually let her get some natural consequences whilst also supporting her for the age she is at. Instead you punished her and are being really quite horrible about it. Imagine if your partner said let’s go out for the day and then if you weren’t ready when they decided they wanted to leave (without you knowing when as a child that age can’t tell the time) they then punished you by cancelling the full day? This is on you. You’re overly harsh.

WonderingWanda · 17/03/2023 07:09

She sounds very normal, kids at that age get absorbed in their play and lots of kids struggle with transitions. 5 minute warnings are really useful here. 'Let's play for 5 more mins and when the beeper goes we'll go and get dressed'. Then make it a race 'I bet you can't get dressed faster than me'.

GrinAndVomit · 17/03/2023 07:35

My six year old is like this. She’s completely away with the fairies when it comes to getting herself dressed and ready.
She’s really good at lots of other things like tidying up and helping with her two little brothers so I just accept this is the part of life she still needs support with.
I think she’s possibly dyspraxic like me and finds it quite fiddly and is easily distracted because of this.
Anyway, I just pretty much dress her still 🤷🏻‍♀️ She’ll get there. We all do!

FancyFanny · 17/03/2023 07:36

At age 4, if she wasn't getting dressed when I asked I'd just have taken her hand, led her upstairs and dressed her- life's too short...

NeedToChangeName · 17/03/2023 07:40

Neurotic90 · 16/03/2023 22:52

If its possibly the transition from play time/screen time to getting ready a visual timer might help, can get them on amazon. "OK DD, you can have 5 more minutes playing, but when the timer buzzes we must get dressed". Its quite common for kids to struggle with transition at this age and the timer makes things clearer with a visual and audible cue.

@Neurotic90 this is a good suggestion

Eeveesfriend · 17/03/2023 07:41

Hi, I also live with a fiercely independent serial procrastinator, a lot of the parents in here aren't understanding that no amount of 'cajoling' helps, it actually escalates the situation. I will describe my DS behaviour and see if this is similar.
Every possible second is spent avoiding what he's supposed to be doing. In a morning all he has to do is, eat his breakfast and get dressed. Calmly asking him, I may as well not speak, I'm completely ignored. Time count downs e.g 5 mins until you need to have eaten your breakfast. Completely ineffective. Take all possible distractions away, completely ineffective, now they are enraged and 2x less likely to do those 2 things, the sofa now becomes a climbing frame and another source of procrastinating. Carrying the clothes to them or them to the clothes, also ineffective, becomes a screaming match. Any kind of standing over them cajoling or otherwise turns into a screaming match.
We have been late, he has gone to school with no breakfast, like you I have cancelled days out because I'm then at my wit's end This has lasted from age 4-5, now he's turned 6 he has improved.
Before anyone jumps on the post, no he isn't neuro diverse, it's just his personality.
The things that have eventually helped were, 1) get him dressed as soon as he gets up, and yes we did have to change a few outfits with spilled orange juice etc but he is quite eager to change out of messy clothes. 2) natural consequence, like you if he can't be bothered to get dressed he doesn't get to go do the thing he wants, being late for school and being hungry until snack time re-enforced the message. 3) a bit of bribery, not all the time but some of the time, he responds quite well to sticker charts with a treat at the end, it if I'm desperate a chocolate coin for getting dressed.
If he wants to go and do something on a weekend now he gets up and gets dressed himself. We still struggle with days when he doesn't want to go to school or wherever we need to go, but it's gotten a lot easier.
Hope this helps and is reassuring that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Kinnyco · 17/03/2023 07:44

19 month old dd
Constantly wiggles
Childminder said its not usual for them to do this.
Absolutely no other concerns

Anyone else had this?

My ds does have adhd/ASD ( maybe relevant)