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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you earned the same or more as your DC's father when you gave birth to your first child?

206 replies

MissHoneysHappyEnding · 15/03/2023 20:32

Personally I did. I was in a managerial position. Couldn't go back part time after mat leave as the role didn't exist part time. Ended up moving down a pay grade.
What I want to know is how many women already earn less pre children, therefore making them the ones to sacrifice their careers (temporarily) and how many do so because they want to be the ones who stay at home due to enjoying raising children more, breastfeeding, PND, birth trauma etc.
I have no agenda, just curious

OP posts:
FunnysInLaJardin · 15/03/2023 22:10

Earned about the same as DH when DS1 was born. It has fluctuated since then but over all about even.

We have both earned about £50k for the last 17 years!

I am on £60k part time and he is on £55k full time at the moment

smileladiesplease · 15/03/2023 22:11

No not for years. However when ds was out of contracts I started a business from scratch that just about paid the mortgage and bills.

Why? What does it matter? We share everything and would not dream of doing the 'who earns more nonsense!' You are a team through thick and thin or nothing.

Lastofyou · 15/03/2023 22:11

Earned more when we had our first child. Stayed at home for 10 years (albeit self-employed in various guises). Have recently re-trained and not earn 35% of what my DH does. I won't catch it up.

denpark · 15/03/2023 22:11

Earned more.
Then earned significantly less when we had children (yet he didn't step up financially- twat!)
Now earn more as my ex is a washed up middle-aged waste of space. (Might be a little angry today...)

YourPastryNeedsLard · 15/03/2023 22:12

I earned about 25% more than him at birth of DC1. I couldn't go back part time in my job (I didn't have the energy to fight what was an unjustifiable argument from employer) so shifted down a level.

Now I earn less. By about 40% I reckon. His has gone up. Mine down a bit more than I'm comfortable with!

mummabubs · 15/03/2023 22:14

We literally earned the same (both the same banding in NHS with the same years service). Fast forward 6 years and he now earns double what I earn as he's a band above me and he's full time whereas I'm part time.

WeightoftheWorld · 15/03/2023 22:14

DH wasn't earning at all when we had DC1, so I earned more. But he was a student on a vocational postgrad course so set up to earn more than double what I did once he'd graduated. Which he happily did go on to do. So he was already on a trajectory to earn a lot more than me. BUT I fell pregnant much quicker than we anticipated. I was originally planning to job hop quickly to increase my salary at least to some extent, as was common amongst my colleagues. However as I fell pregnant in my probation and then had to be off sick for 3 months with HG, well obviously that didn't happen. Then wanted part- time work after mat leave which I couldn't find in my sector at the time so had to return to my by then extremely poorly paid role as they'd give me the hours they wanted. So mat leave definitely has had implications for my career and earnings, job choices etc I have no doubt about that whereas it's all had a lot less effect on my husband's (but still not no effect at all). We have two kids so I've had the effects twice over now. Didn't return to my job after child 2 though and now work a few different jobs on further reduced hours.

FunnysInLaJardin · 15/03/2023 22:15

what I didn't mention was that I got made redundant when TTc DS2 after a MC and so for a year and a half earned nowt.

Sexism is alive and well!

When I got another job it was a 50% pay cut, from 90k FT pro rata to £45k FT

BeckyWithTheGoodHair010101 · 15/03/2023 22:22

I earned less after the birth of our first child, but I didn't sacrifice anything - I went back after mat leave and have been FT ever since with another year of mat leave for my second child. For the last year I've been earning more than him.

CoedenNadoligLanOHyd · 15/03/2023 22:22

Earned the same before the first. 2 kids, 16 years and a divorce later and I'm fucked.

He's pretty much tripled his salary, I'm on not much more than I was 16 years ago.

I've been responsible for 95% of the parenting. One ND and challenging child, and a huge amount of stress.

1stTimeMama · 15/03/2023 22:26

I wasn't working at all, and haven't done since.

PurpleFlower1983 · 15/03/2023 22:30

I earned 11k more than my DH.

steff13 · 15/03/2023 22:31

I've always earned more than him.

wingingit1987 · 15/03/2023 22:33

We earned the same. We were both band 5 nurses on same increments. Now he is a F/T band 7 and I’m a P/T band 6 (8 years and 5 children later).

lilsupersparks · 15/03/2023 22:36

I earned more. I went back part time. My husband now earns 10 times what I do. I try not to dwell on it but it is a bit demoralising.

Starseeking · 15/03/2023 22:41

I earned twice what my DP earned then.

If we were still together, it would now be 3 times (he's still in the same role).

My not going back to work after maternity leave wasn't an option; we'd never have been able to live comfortably on his salary (at least not the kind of comfortable I like lol!). I did 7 months each time, and was more than happy going into work and being myself again.

1984Winston · 15/03/2023 22:42

I earned more than my husband before we had children and had a career, I now earn considerably less and have a job

TaraRhu · 15/03/2023 22:50

I earned more than him! Not lots more but was on £43 k and he was on £39. Over the last 5 years my career has stagnated and now I only earn £49k compared to his £85j So he's managed to double his salary and had 2 big promotions. I haven't managed. Two pregnancies and two years off don't help and I haven't been able to look for more opportunities as I'm just shattered tbh. My husband is good with doing his fare share but I definitely carry a lot more guilt about working and the mental load of the kids.

botheritsgone · 15/03/2023 23:04

More but I knew that I was at the top of my payscale as a teacher, whereas he had not long going into the private sector and he started out earning me very quickly. Even if I was full time now, DH would earn almost double my wage now when you include bonuses.

Schoolchoicesucks · 15/03/2023 23:06

I earned more. Now I earn less than half. Haven't changed careers, though did change the type of organisation I worked for and was part time for 10 years. Bit shit really.

Survey99 · 15/03/2023 23:09

I was the main earner before and after. I went back to work FT when ds was 7 months, bf until he was 1 year. I did 4 days a week using accrued leave for the first 5ish months. Dh worked one day at the weekend instead of mid week so we only had 3 days of nursery to pay for, then we increased to 4 days and dh covered one mid week day until he stared school. We worked equally as a team for all childcare, house chores, cooking etc. I started work early, left before ds was awake and dh got him up, fed and did nursery drop off, I did the pick up and dinner if dh wasnt home, same arrangements when ds started school.

I earn in the region of 3 times dh.

I didnt really have a choice as dh didnt have the same earning potential, but if I did have that choice I would have happily gone PT and forgone work in return for priceless time with ds when he was younger. dh was more impacted by being flexible than I was.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 15/03/2023 23:11

I was just on more than DP when i had my first, just had my 2nd and going back to work on double what my DP earns. We've both always been full time

Flandango · 15/03/2023 23:17

We both earned about the same. Had mat leaver and when I went back we both went 4 days a week, child in nursery 3 days per week. Shared childcare and the other household stuff pretty much equally during this time

KievsOutTheOven · 15/03/2023 23:17

BertieBotts · 15/03/2023 20:42

Less. All three times.

It's the advice I always give people when pregnant - everyone automatically thinks about and compares the options of the mum returning to work, being SAHM, going back part time or changing career. Hardly anybody considers these options for the father, and you absolutely should. It doesn't really matter if you don't end up choosing one. Do it as a thought experiment. Think through how it would work. Think through who is going to take the sick days, who is going to take time off when nursery closes or there's a teacher training day, how you're going to cover summer holidays, who will go to see the special assemblies, who will take them to dental check ups etc. Think about how it would look when the child is 5, or 10, or 15. How each of your careers might look.

Just think about it, because people don't. They consider the immediate implications of mum staying home vs going back and that is it. (I am guilty of this myself, although we thought about DH being SAHD for a bit with DS2, I could not get full time work in the end so it wouldn't have worked.)

This.

I find it crazy how it’s assumed that the mother will be the one to drop their hours. For us, it was a no brainier that I would be full-time. I’ve been the highest earner since fairly early on in our relationship (once I graduated uni)

Another thing to consider is having two part-time salaries rather than a SAHP. It works out better in terms of tax ETC.

handsoffate · 15/03/2023 23:18

I’ve earned more than dh for nearly all of our relationship. When first dc was born it was slightly more, now it’s about double. Purely down to being in the right place at the right time, tbh.