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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you earned the same or more as your DC's father when you gave birth to your first child?

206 replies

MissHoneysHappyEnding · 15/03/2023 20:32

Personally I did. I was in a managerial position. Couldn't go back part time after mat leave as the role didn't exist part time. Ended up moving down a pay grade.
What I want to know is how many women already earn less pre children, therefore making them the ones to sacrifice their careers (temporarily) and how many do so because they want to be the ones who stay at home due to enjoying raising children more, breastfeeding, PND, birth trauma etc.
I have no agenda, just curious

OP posts:
AnneElliott · 15/03/2023 21:38

I earned less before I had DS, but that's because I'm 7 years younger and was more junior in my career.

I went back to work when DS was 8 months old and by the time DS was 7 I earned the same and since he was 11 I have out earned DH.

I wouldn't have been able to do my job with more than 1 DC though.

IAmTheWalrus85 · 15/03/2023 21:38

Earned slightly more than him when I gave birth and earn significantly more now. I work 4 days and he’s FT. The gap would be even larger if I were full time.

I know this thread isn’t a scientific study but it’s interesting and very encouraging to see that many women outearn their male partners and that their careers haven’t been held back by taking maternity/going part time etc.

pinksheetss · 15/03/2023 21:39

Earned less before and then more after
Got really lucky and was offered a contract job through LinkedIn a 5 minute drive from home which doubled my salary from previous job.
It's in an industry where it's highly sought after for people with experience so seems likely to get into a similar role when this contract is up in a years time

millymollymoomoo · 15/03/2023 21:39

Earned the sane
went back full time after a year
Both increased earnings substantially post children ( and no we didn’t have cleaners, gardeners and all the others things people say is needed on here!)

PinkPhoneCover · 15/03/2023 21:40

Wasn't working when I had my only DC.

Now earn less than ExH for the same hours he does, but different industries so in theory I could earn the same.

CLEO42 · 15/03/2023 21:40

I was earning about 4 x as much as DH when I had my first child. I went back to work f/t after 13 months mat leave. I stayed at the same senior level and then 4 years later had 2nd child and same mat leave. Went back full time for 3 years after that. During those years my DH career took off and he was then earning about 80% of my salary when both decided to each go to 4 days and spend more time with the kids. Sadly by the time the kids were 8 and 4 I was so burnt out by my job I had to pack it in. I was unable to work for about 5 years and DH went back up to 5 days. I've been working p/t this last year in a job earning about a third of my previous salary. I'm ready to go back into a big job again and we're currently talking about what we want career-wise, family-wise and personally and what balance of work hours we might aim for.

SpringleDingle · 15/03/2023 21:41

100% more. He was unemployed. 12 years on we are divorced and I now earn 4 times what he does but at least he has a job. He could have earned plenty and remained employed but he was a work-shy twat. I saved to pay my mat leave and went back to work when DD was 10 months old.

CLEO42 · 15/03/2023 21:41

I was earning about 4 x as much as DH when I had my first child. I went back to work f/t after 13 months mat leave. I stayed at th----e same senior level and then 4 years later had 2nd child and same mat leave. Went back full time for 3 years after that. During those years my DH career took off and he was then earning about 80% of my salary when both decided to each go to 4 days and spend more time with the kids. Sadly by the time the kids were 8 and 4 I was so burnt out by my job I had to pack it in. I was unable to work for about 5 years and DH went back up to 5 days. I've been working p/t this last year in a job earning about a third of my previous salary. I'm ready to go back into a big job again and we're currently talking about what we want career-wise, family-wise and personally and what balance of work hours we might aim for.

BoredBetsy · 15/03/2023 21:42

We earned the same. I went part time after dc then changed careers. He moved up his career and now earns way more.
I earn a little bit less than my salary before dc but work half the hours.

soundsystem · 15/03/2023 21:43

Earned slightly more before and fairly significantly more now. We did shared parental leave both times so my salary didn't take a huge hit.

TheSmallAssassin · 15/03/2023 21:47

I earned slightly less, but we both went down to 4 days a week when I went back after maternity leave. I've overtaken him in the last year, earning about 20% more net (Kids young adults now, but we haven't quite gone up to full time either of us!)

DrMadelineMaxwell · 15/03/2023 21:49

I was earning more. Dropped down to 70% hours because I wanted to spend more time with the DC, which took us to earning the same as each other.

MandyMotherOfBrian · 15/03/2023 21:52

MissHoneysHappyEnding · 15/03/2023 20:32

Personally I did. I was in a managerial position. Couldn't go back part time after mat leave as the role didn't exist part time. Ended up moving down a pay grade.
What I want to know is how many women already earn less pre children, therefore making them the ones to sacrifice their careers (temporarily) and how many do so because they want to be the ones who stay at home due to enjoying raising children more, breastfeeding, PND, birth trauma etc.
I have no agenda, just curious

Yes, I earnt less, so yes I was the one who gave up work to look after the children. However, my husband is 20 years older than me and we worked in the same industry - it’s how we met. So he started off already way ahead of me in terms of experience, and crucially, contacts and knowledge. We both had to travel extensively to get the role done and so, not wanting our children brought up by a live in Nanny, I gave up the role and stayed home. My husband readily admits he would have loved to have looked after our children if finances had been different. On the other hand, he’s also very honest that wouldn’t have meant he would have wanted to run the ‘home’ too - ie done all the leg work on the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, decorating, gardening, taxiing, home admin etc etc etc that I actually did alongside the ‘looking after the children’. I’m at a massive disadvantage, in terms of the workplace, now our children are all in Uni obviously but hoping the fact we’ve started our own business will give me a softer landing back in to the workplace. I don’t feel like my ‘choices’ were particularly feminist choices, but I also don’t see how I could have done it differently and have afforded to live.

lionsleepstonight · 15/03/2023 21:52

I earned slightly more, went back full time and now earn x 4 what he does.

RunTowardsTheLight · 15/03/2023 21:53

When I got pregnant for the first time we earned almost exactly the same. He earned very slightly more.

That was 18 years ago. Now he earns a LOT more than me (I took a career break and went back to a different profession, worked part time for a while etc).

Dacadactyl · 15/03/2023 21:54

I earned more than he did. He was a student when DD was born.

Then once he graduated when she was about 1, I gave up my job to look after DD and I became a SAHM.

He's been in FT employment (earning more than me) ever since. I've either been a SAHM or PT working for the past 15 years.

TruthRevolution · 15/03/2023 21:55

I earned less then, 3 DC now that are all a bit older and now I earn more.

mondaytosunday · 15/03/2023 21:56

My husband earned 20 times what I did. I was 41 when I had my first and ready to take a break. I went back part time, but after my second daycare cost more than what I earned so I became a full time mum. I worked in the creative industries and my husband was a City lawyer, hence the salary difference!

SweetSakura · 15/03/2023 21:56

Earnt a bit less than him. Went part time while they were nursery age (because I wanted to) and have worked flexibly every since to do school runs etc but have also poured a lot of energy into work, working late into the evenings once the children were in bed (as a single mum by then). I now earn almost triple what he earns.

It doesn't necessarily follow that part time /flexible working kills your career.

I did get a cleaner though so I could focus on the children and my career.

TeenLifeMum · 15/03/2023 21:57

@ladykale I’m in a profession which is dominated by women until you look at director level… then it’s either men or childless women. It’s an interesting pattern.

I am currently looking to leave and assessing options but that is a whole other can of worms. Partially due to career progression but a lot more to that.

mrshenny · 15/03/2023 22:02

My husband earned considerably more than me. I decided to be a SAHM, I'm still at home and expecting our second baby any day!

Terraria · 15/03/2023 22:03

Earned the same as dh (40k) before 3 DCs, I took almost 10 years career break, by the end of this dh was on 80k+. I returned to entry level job at 25k, I am on approx 52k after 6 years (no managerial), dh stepped down from managerial role by choice now on 70k.

I am not sure I would choose to be sahm for so many years again tbh, the lost was too great.

MRex · 15/03/2023 22:06

I earned more and still do. We share childcare, and it has never been a career "sacrifice" to me. That is probably to do with having a child later though, and with the finances to make easier choices.

Dinosaurus86 · 15/03/2023 22:07

I earned very slightly more before DS. I now earn far far less - PT and freelance while he’s had a big promotion. DS is only 15 months though. I hope I can build my work back up once he’s at school.

underneaththeash · 15/03/2023 22:08

I earned far more than my first husband, we discussed having children and a major issue was that I earned a lot more, but wanted to be the main childcarer. It was a major issue, especially as I also did all the housework too.

ultimately, we split and I found someone who earns much more!