How much responsibility do you feel to look after parents in old age?

[myusernamed]

As the title says.

Do your parents talk about when they are old and what they might expect from you in terms of looking after them?

Do you feel a sense of responsibility for looking after them in old age?

There is only me and my sister and she now lives a few hours away. I automatically feel as though I will be responsible for sorting stuff out.

Father often says he will never go into a home - like it's up to me to make sure that doesn't happen.

Does anyone else feel this expectation?

I find myself worrying about this more often lately with my Dad and stepmum. I am not close to them and low contact as we just don’t have a bond really. My Dad just didn’t really bother with me growing up or after and is basically a rubbish parent! However I am an only child and neither of them have anyone else.

I really don’t know what I am going to do or be expected to do. They live 2 hrs away and neither would move nearer to me.

I am just dreading the day one of them is alone.

None, they can get fucked. I won't be expecting it from my own kids either.

I can tell you that a family member (now VV elderly) has maintained that he will never go into a home.

It has now fallen to his children (both retired years ago) to care for him, at his home, because he refuses to consider any form of care home. He falls regularly, is always bruised cut cannot remember what happened and is a danger to himself. Because he's deemed to have capacity, they cannot force him to move to a home / sheltered accommodation etc. I think it's incredibly selfish, neither of his children are well themselves (some fairly substantial health stuff going on) and it's incredibly hard on them.

Personally speaking, I am NC with my birth mother and not particularly close to my dad, I don't feel any particularly strong compulsion to care for my dad (BM isn't even a question, I would cross the road if she was on fire), so no. But IMO, old age can make you incredibly selfish and self centred.

Absolutely none. And I'm glad I don't have children, because that means nobody will feel obligated to "care" for me.

But that’s arranging stuff not caring. Caring is when you are wiping your mil after having a wee and they start shitting in your hands and you can still taste and smell it when you go home despite having boiled your hands!!

Well, if you don't mind moving to Bristol, it's this one: www.stmonicatrust.org.uk/retirement-villages/cote-lane

My God no! I've made sure my adult children know they are not responsible for me in my old age.

I'm a baby of the 60s and was born to look after my mom in her old age. I was told that.

That, along with the other dysfunctions in my family, set me up for an extremely dysfunctional life.

I did look after my mom in her old age. We nursed her with alzheimers. I do not want the tie I had for mine.

My 2nd son has mental health issues. I've made sure my eldest knows he is not responsible for him when I'm not here

I feel totally responsible and am happy to do it when the time comes. That's what family and love mean imo.

Mine are in their 60s and very fit so this is a long way off for me but I do anticipate having to look after them in their old age and I'm fine with that. They've always been good to me and currently they are looking after their elderly mothers, so I feel they're "doing their turn". I suppose we might have some spectacular falling out between then and now which may change my view but as things stand I'm happy to do it.

I have three siblings on my father's side from his first marriage but none on my mother's. I'm not sure how this will affect the division of labour with my siblings and we haven't talked about it. I imagine we'll figure it out as we go.

My parents made it clear that they don't expect us to be their carers. Of course my sister and I will look after them. But if it comes to them requiring full time care then we will not do it. (Or I certainly won't) I don't think my sister would either. I've known to many people who have been completely work to the ground by caring for elderly parents. We had a very happy upbringing and a good relationship now. But I don't feel that I owe it to them. I also love my job and wouldn't want to sacrifice that and have health issues of my own.

I think this is true..

No one is obliged to look after their parents.
It’s entirely up to the individual.
In my own circumstances I was able to help care for my mother when she was dying. Similarly I helped to care for my father for the last years of his life. We had children to look after & both worked. I fully understand that many people don’t wish to provide help. That’s up to them.

Yep. We were told a duty to the elderly. She full on hard work. 80s. I had step back felt she drag me down with it all. We do what we can. 3 us. Its tiring long term..

I think it’s very difficult to refuse to help when you are confronted with the sudden need for assistance.

I live about 8 hours drive away, my sibling lives overseas.

I was in a difficult situation where my mum and stepfather (SF) both had a fall at home and were in hospital. There was literally no one else to bring them clothes and the other stuff they needed.

I was obliged to stay there a week mainly to sort out residential care for my SF - he had dementia. I even had to bring him to the frigging home as there was no transport available.

In was there again for another week once my mum came out of hospital. When I was home there was also constant drama about finances and practical arrangements.

The following year my mum had a fall and broke her hip. I had to take 3 weeks off work to care for her. I couldn’t work from there as the broadband is so rubbish. I am lucky I have an understanding employer.

I am dreading the next event. My mum is so horrible to people she has next to no friends and no other family, so it will fall to me.

My mum also expects me to ‘help her’ with suicide if she becomes incapacitated. She also refuses the idea of carers in the future or a residential home and will threaten suicide. No way am I spending years in prison though for ‘assisting’ her.

You have to be realistic too. Our sick dads care went on for years. Nobody can commit to that. In my mams world nobody works lol. You can only do so much....

A pp asked how to future proof. Here is what my mum has done, though not foolproof.
Downsized to a small house she can clean herself with shops nearby
Completely tech savvy and can do everything from groceries to banking online
Works at staying slim and fit
Eats v healthily and does not drink
Wide network of friends and siblings whom she has kept in touch with and can rely on up to a point.
V frugal lifestyle all through the years, saving for old age

Of course all these will not work in case of dementia. But they help and make me more willing to take care of her when the time comes.

My mid 80's dps are stubbornly independent. I think it has kept them active and is helping them stay fit(ish) tbh. They insist on doing their own shopping, even though it takes all day but occasionally I or my siblings do a big shop for them. I had to beg them not to go out in the snow last week. I did their washing in December when they were both Ill for a few weeks but as soon as they were better I was told to leave it. They also play lots of board games, read and do jigsaws. If any of their friends get lots of help they mutter about putting on people and call them lazybones. I think they are rare nowadays but I intend to be the same if I can.

My Mum repeatedly says that she never wants to live with me or either of my siblings and be a burden. However I know that I would never allow her to go into a care home so she will live with me, if she ever needs to. She's always been a wonderful Mum.♥️

My Mum has said this in passing as well. I have told her that as awful as it would be to watch her suffer I have no intention of going to jail. I think it's a really selfish request for someone to make.

My dad died 2 years ago. He had Alzheimer's, but was able to stay living with mum until 9 months before he died, then went into a home. I did very little of the care because he was still physically able whilst he was at home, and his health deteriorating rapidly coincided with the first lockdown. It became impossible for mum, he would be up all hours of the night and as soon as her back was turned he would leave the house, the police had to bring him back a few times because he got lost. He became violent if confronted.

With my mum I will do as much as I can, as she has basically arranged her life so it revolves me and my own children. She helps me with childcare although I am conscious of her age now (78). I will help as much as I can as she ages, but I will have to juggle it with my own work (I'm 35) and looking after my own kids (currently 8 and 5) and what their needs are at the time, depending on circumstances. I won't be able to look after her full time and she doesn't expect me to either.

My mum has no other children so the care and admin of it will fall to me, but it will mean that I can make all the decisions without having to consult anyone.

I wouldn’t be looking after my dad abusive strained relationship. I would do it for my mum even though I felt she did the minimum mostly but made bursts of effort. But none the less as an adult I can see she did have forms of depression and anxiety and did her best.
this post has really got me thinking about emotional neglect though. Like how have people experienced this? I’m just thinking in terms of my own children I wouldn’t want them to think it wasn’t enough as I have 4 dc and how much of me I can give to eachs emotional well being is enough?
being a mum is so hard

No, DPs helped care for my grandfather in his home for far too long because there were multiple siblings to help so it felt achievable for a few days a week. They are putting in active plans to avoid doing the same thing themselves because it nearly broke us as a family.

GF was a wonderful man before he got ill but once he had dementia it was a full on nightmare. He nearly burned down his house, would steal people's car keys and try to drive, sexually assaulted a number of us granddaughters (he didn't know who he was and we'd all minimised it / kept it to ourselves to protect our parents until it came out) and eventually attacked a neighbour who spotted him wandering and tried to help.

There is such a vast cavern of difference between organising groceries, keeping someone company, making sure they're sorted with their prescriptions and what care can rapidly turn into. People who happily talk about looking after their parents are almost certainly imagining the former and not the grinding reality of actual carework.

It's also easier to say that you will care for DPs when elderly when both they and you are younger.

When DS was young, we'd always talked about asking DM to live with us if DF passed away. However thankfully we never mentioned it to her, as over the intervening decade she has gone from a vibrant self-sufficient person to a much less optimistic and anxious person. I would find it very hard to have her living with us, as would DH.

Also we have got older and frankly in my 50s with a teen, I really can't wait for a few years without major responsibilities, as it looks like I will be working until early 60s at least.

I know that makes me sound selfish, but better that than taking it on and it not working out.

My siblings and I didn't consider it our 'responsibility', we considered it our privilege. But that's because our parents were wonderful parents all our lives and who planned for their old age and let us know in no uncertain terms that they did not want to be a 'burden'.

We cared for Mum and Dad when Dad was dying at home. But Mum also paid for round the clock nursing for Dad so our care was mostly emotional support for Mum, sitting with Dad so he'd feel our presence, and doing some fetching and carrying. When Mum started showing signs of 'forgetfulness' our DBro (single/no DC) moved in with her and kept an eye on things. I did 'respite' when he needed a break. When it became obvious that her dementia made it unsafe for her in her own home (night wanderings), because she and Dad planned ahead we were able to find a very nice and caring memory care facility for her. And we visited her until she died, even when she no longer knew who we were. Again, it was our privilege. Because she had earned our devoted care because of her devoted care.

If they had been neglectful or abusive, no, I wouldn't have felt a bit of responsibility. You reap what you sow.

My mum was emotionally abusive to me and my dad so not much. I'd love to have had a better mum I could have had a close relationship with and I'd have helped in old age, but that's not what I had and it stresses me to have any dealings with her. Sometimes you reap what you sow