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Original poster

How much responsibility do you feel to look after parents in old age?

357 replies

myusernamed · 15/03/2023 07:11

As the title says.

Do your parents talk about when they are old and what they might expect from you in terms of looking after them?

Do you feel a sense of responsibility for looking after them in old age?

There is only me and my sister and she now lives a few hours away. I automatically feel as though I will be responsible for sorting stuff out.

Father often says he will never go into a home - like it's up to me to make sure that doesn't happen.

Does anyone else feel this expectation?

OP posts:
countrygirl99 · 15/03/2023 16:35

"Just helping with appointments" very much depends on how many appointments. At one stage FIL was having 3 appointments a week with 1 at a specialist cancer unit 50 miles away. Even a simple GP or blood test appointment meant committing 3 hours as he wasn't local. If he was having treatment it was 3 times a week 50 miles away. We still had 4 parents with care needs on the go then. We could easily have made helping with appointments a full time job for one of us.

Nevermind31 · 15/03/2023 16:45

My parents live abroad, my siblings live much closer, so it wouldn’t really fall on me. However, my parents also don’t have the expectation that we will care for them at home (both their parents went into (admittedly, quite fancy) homes

girlfriend44 · 15/03/2023 16:55

Most people when they go into a care home don't live for more than about 2 years.

Don't forget to get Power of Attorney.

kerstina · 15/03/2023 17:14

I felt it a lot but I am an only child and have had a very close relationship with my mom over the years . I would say she was my best friend. After my dad passed I supported her to live at home and became her carer when she was diagnosed with dementia so I had to do a lot .She is in a home now but I visit every other day and take her to appointments and take her out .It feels like the right and natural thing to do but am aware my circumstances have helped me have the time to be there for her.

WishIwasElsa · 15/03/2023 17:25

No one should feel responsible, do what you can or what you want to do around your own life. There is absolutely no point in running yourself into the ground and then not being able to do anything.

Ankleblisters · 15/03/2023 17:41

I think we all have to make our own choices re how responsible we should feel for our parents, and we should avoid judging ourselves or each other for those choices. There are no easy options.

My mum has late stage young-onset dementia. She is mid-60s and can't do anything for herself at all. She needs help with every single aspect of life including washing, dressing, continence, feeding. Even getting in and out of a chair has become too confusing for her.

I moved in with them when the first lock-down was announced, originally for the duration of the lock-down but it became obvious it would need to be permanent. I'm sort of lucky that I have an extremely flexible job (self employed, well enough paid that I can do very few hours and still survive, can WFH) and am otherwise unattached so was in a position to do this. My sisters have largely carried on with their lives but that in itself is a really difficult choice and a burden on them.

I'm aware that my life is incredibly limited and everything in my life revolves around my mum and her needs. I am rarely away from her from more than an hour at a time. I often see people say that they would hated for their kids to give up their whole lives to look after them in old age and here's the thing: my mum as she was pre-dementia would horrified by my life now. But I can't consider what my mum then would have wanted. My only priority is what my mum now needs. And what my Dad needs as co-carer because he wouldn't be able to do this alone, no one could. So for as long as I know I can care for her and do a better job than anyone else would of keeping safe, healthy and happy - that's what I'm going to do. I definitely feel a responsibility to do that.

Sadly, I'm not sure I will still have any emotional energy left for my Dad if his needs are ever this profound.

Changechangechanging · 15/03/2023 17:44

Yes, I think it’s a perfectly reasonable thing to do. Who else will make sure they are OK?

BreadInCaptivity · 15/03/2023 17:48

I feel a responsibility to work with my parents to make sure they have a realistic and sustainable plan for their future care needs.

However that does not extend to be becoming their carer.

I love them both very much and want them to be safe and happy.

I want to continue to enjoy their company and for that not to be compromised by exhaustion and resentment.

Thankfully they are of exactly the same mindset and we are fortunate that they will have ample funds to meet their needs in the future.

Palomabalom · 15/03/2023 19:05

KnittingNeedles · 15/03/2023 15:20

This is what I mean by being clear about what you're prepared to do, @SoHereWeGo . You're happy to do the admin and shopping. You're not prepared/able to do the personal care.

It sounds awful but more than one person has told me that when you are negotiating care packages with Social Services, if you show any hesitation about what you might be able to do, they will assume you will do it. Because they are so stretched.

Well you can say that you are sticking to your boundaries all you like and only doing shopping but not personal care. What happens when you drop your mother’s shopping off and it’s in between carer visits… she’s sitting in her own faeces because she couldn’t pull herself out of her chair in time. Would you put the shopping away and leave her sitting in soiled clothes until the carer arrives? You can’t do it. You would by virtue of being present at any given point be roped in to some form of personal care.

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 15/03/2023 19:15

Both my mum and dad are like “we live you but never want to be a burden on you and your new family - stuck us in a home and visit - and bring the grandkids - if we can’t look after ourselves anymore”
We have some great facilities in my old country where I know they will be comfortable, with company and well looked after.

Blossomtoes · 15/03/2023 19:18

Palomabalom · 15/03/2023 19:05

Well you can say that you are sticking to your boundaries all you like and only doing shopping but not personal care. What happens when you drop your mother’s shopping off and it’s in between carer visits… she’s sitting in her own faeces because she couldn’t pull herself out of her chair in time. Would you put the shopping away and leave her sitting in soiled clothes until the carer arrives? You can’t do it. You would by virtue of being present at any given point be roped in to some form of personal care.

Show quote history

You’re absolutely right. I never had any intention of wiping my mum’s bottom or cleaning her up after she’d vomited all over herself but I ended up doing both. There was also the occasion I took her to the loo and she wee’d on my shoes. Luckily they weren’t suede.

Dingdong90 · 15/03/2023 19:28

To be quite honest, our parents care for us for the first 18 years of our life's, longer for some so realistically it is OUR responsibility to care for them in the last few years of there's. I get some people will have different views on this depending on their relationship with their parents but in my eyes, it very much is up to me to look after my parents if and when the time comes. They've done so much for me over the years I would gladly repay the favour and care for them when they need me to. My partner is already in this boat as his parents are now in their 70s and in his father's case, his health is deteriorated on the last 2 years. He does as much as his parents let him as they are quite proud and set on their ways but even helping with gardening and walking the dogs is a massive weight off their shoulders

KnittingNeedles · 15/03/2023 19:30

Again. Doing the gardening and walking the dog is a completely different ball game from being on duty around the clock and not being able to leave the parent for even half an hour.

gamerchick · 15/03/2023 19:45

To be quite honest, our parents care for us for the first 18 years of our life's, longer for some so realistically it is OUR responsibility to care for them in the last few years of there's

Being born doesn't obligate anyone to do anything though. It should always be a choice.

VikingLady · 15/03/2023 19:53

None whatsoever. I know perfectly well that they wouldn't do Jack shit for me if I required care, so no. No chance. I'll visit her in a care home if it's convenient, but since I only exist when she wants something, I doubt it would be convenient all that often.

nokidshere · 15/03/2023 20:04

None at all.

DoraSpenlow · 15/03/2023 20:22

KnittingNeedles · 15/03/2023 19:30

Again. Doing the gardening and walking the dog is a completely different ball game from being on duty around the clock and not being able to leave the parent for even half an hour.

Absolutely this. 100%

How would many people cope with this scenario -

Watching TV with elderly parent with dementia -

Parent (P) : This programme is rubbish. Is there anything else?
Adult Child (AC): But it's something I've been following.
P: Oh OK.
P: This programme is rubbish. Is there anything else?
Adult Child (AC): But it's something I've been following.
P: Oh OK.
Repeat several times.
P: This programme is rubbish. Is there anything else?
AC - (gives up) OK here is the remote, have what you want on.
P scrolls through channel 1, channel 2, etc, etc.
P - no nothing on, shall I turn it off?
AC- OK whatever.
Two minutes later.
P- Shall I put the telly on?
AC - OK whatever.
Scrolls though channel 1, channel 2, etc etc.

This scenario for several hours, again and again and again. Night after night after night. Week after week.

Will they then say, but my parents brought me up for 18 years ..........

Until you have experienced it people have no idea. The strain on your own mental well-being. However much you love them.

Doing, admin, a bit of cleaning, dog walking and shopping is a whole different ballgame.

TheClash2023 · 15/03/2023 20:59

I had decades of looking after my mum. It meant that I had to juggle my own family with first supporting her and in the last decade when she had dementia, caring for her. It damn near broke me.

lurchermummy · 15/03/2023 21:05

I am actually very concerned about this scenario right now as an only child of an lonely child. Mum does not live anywhere near me and has only a small support network and not much in the way of financial resources. I literally do not know what would happen if she was to get ill but at nearly 80 it's likely she will.

Mary46 · 15/03/2023 21:07

TheClash so hard as you say. Its desperate. Nobody knows til they in it. We were all worn out from years of dads ill health.

Timesawastin · 15/03/2023 21:15

BreadwinneBaker · 15/03/2023 07:29

In my experience, the ones who say "you cannot put me in a home, I expect you to care" are the ones who have been terrible to uninterested care givers themselves.

The ones saying that they want children to live their own lives and not have the physical and emotional toll (if they even have space/time around full-time work or a home that could accommodate or they rarely Live close still)... They've been the better parents.

True in my family. In laws. Friends. Colleagues.

Clear pattern.

Really not as simple as that. When I was an older adults social worker many older people were just terrified of care homes due to their perception of them which dated from the 60s and 70s...

AcrossthePond55 · 15/03/2023 21:24

jhiyp96676y · 15/03/2023 14:02

Something else to keep in mind is whether or not kids looking after their parents is in their parents' best interest. BIL lives with PIL and looks after them. PIL are both elderly and have physical as well as mental problems. After six months of taking care of them - BIL is now permanently angry, sleep deprived and pissed off with them. I do not think that we're at safeguarding stage yet but almost. It's not his fault. Both PIL are refusing to go into a home but BIL is at the end of his tether. The house is now toxic with all of them shouting and physically pushing each other. But so long as PIL refuse moving into a home - there is not much that can be done. Utterly depressing and can go on for years.

Don't you think it would be better for BiL to move out and whatever agency it is in the UK that handles this be informed that PiL are not able to live on their own and there's no one to care for them? Isn't there a social safety net for that? I think I've read on MN that it can be complicated and full of red tape, but carers etc can be brought in.

It's not right for BiL (or you/your DH) to sacrifice your mental health for PiL.

Timesawastin · 15/03/2023 21:27

Cosyblankets · 15/03/2023 13:58

Did you report that? I would

Show quote history

And if I'd been their manager they'd have been on a disciplinary tout suite.

Flippppppp · 15/03/2023 21:30

I haven’t read the full thread. I look after my mum. My dad died seven years ago. My mum is disabled. It’s an absolute drain. I’m a solo mum to twins and I work full time as a teacher. My mum is frequently the person that pushes me over the edge, not that she knows that. But, I know I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t take care of her. I have an older brother and sister who do very little. It’s hard but I’ve made my choice so I live with it.

GreenMarigold · 15/03/2023 21:31

I am an only child and my mum has passed away so I feel a lot of responsibility for my dad (now mid 70s).

He has always said I’m to smother him with a pillow if ever he needs to go into a care home. He isn’t joking either.

Goodness knows if he actually thinks I would do that but I hope he doesn’t ask me if he’s actually ever in that situation.