How much responsibility do you feel to look after parents in old age?

[myusernamed]

As the title says.

Do your parents talk about when they are old and what they might expect from you in terms of looking after them?

Do you feel a sense of responsibility for looking after them in old age?

There is only me and my sister and she now lives a few hours away. I automatically feel as though I will be responsible for sorting stuff out.

Father often says he will never go into a home - like it's up to me to make sure that doesn't happen.

Does anyone else feel this expectation?

I do not feel a responsibility to care for my parents full time or to have them live with me. I have helped them and can envisage helping in a limited capacity, but I would never have them live with me.

I struggle being with them for more than an hour and have quite a negative relationship with them. Whenever I have helped in the past it has led to more expectations from them and then doing less for themselves, so I am careful now to only help where I think they need it and to not do things for them that they are capable of doing themselves.

my father is full time carer for my mum who need help with all aspects of her basic care. I’ve tried to talk about plans for if he is unable to care for to me but they simply won’t talk about it. I have let them know that I won’t be a full time cared though. They choose to bury their head in the sand rather than prepare anything.

The chances are, if you have something like Alzheimers, you won't even realise you have something wrong. My mum had a formal diagnosis of Alzheimers 2 years ago bit within a day she didn't remember she'd seen the consultant or the brain scan so she doesn't know what the meds she takes are for. She doesn't remember the problems she has or everything we do for her so as far as she is concerned she is managing just fine.

This is very true with cognitive decline, it's the very nature of the beast. The people who are suffering don't realise they are ill.

Whilst I get what you are saying- when dementia sets in it damages your brain so you arent thinking clearly and you would not be thinking this clearly or in this way. My dad used to say the same thing but when he got dementia he couldnt even remember how to eat or drive so there is no way he would have been cognitively able to do this. The problem with dementia is that its insidious. It starts off with being forgetful and then it completely changes you as a person. You have to be clear minded and capacitated to go to a euthanasia clinic - thats the opposite of dementia, sadly.

Yep, my dad was insistent he would take his own life if he was diagnosed with dementia. He saw his sister in law suffer in a care home for 10
years before she died.

Unfortunately, it isn’t something you are just diagnosed with one day. By the time you are you are usually too far gone to think rationally.

He now tells me he wants to kill himself everyday. But he’s in a care home so he can’t. I do think though that if he was in his own home having home care, he would have done.

Which fills me with guilt because it’s the way i handled things because no one fucking helps you why he ended up in a care home (long story). He doesn’t want to be alive. I don’t want him to be alive and suffering. If I didn’t have children, believe me, I would help him. Seeing him “live” like this is torture for me. His doctor marvelled at how healthy he is and how many years we’ve got left with him. I wanted to punch her. How is it wonderful to live when your mind has gone? In a place you see as a prison?

Presumably you dont live in the UK. We dont have this choice but hopefully the law will change and assisted dying will become legal.

I'm 100% with you on this.

I hope they change the law in the UK. Assisted suicide might be something considered by one of our loved ones due to a recent terrible diagnosis. He’s talked about going abroad but the legalities around those that might accompany him scare me.

No, fair enough.
Definitely depends on their health/the situation.
It’s very different if someone needed round the clock care.

I wouldn’t say I feel responsibility to care for them, but I will do it because I love them and they have been wonderful parents.

Nice subtle dig at those of us saying that we are not prepared to provide 24/7 care to very frail parents or parents with dementia. We just don’t love them enough.

To those who say "my parents cared for me, its my duty to care for them, I say "Nice sentiment, but do you realise caring for an elderly P is bloody hard work, quite different from caring for a child." My DM has "topsy turvied" her life. She sleeps most of the day and is awake all night keeping the household awake, half of whom need to be at work next day. She is a falls risk so everyone in the house is on high alert, even if they are sleeping, the slightest noise wakes them up. She has had 70 odd years of being in charge of her own life so isn't going to give that up easily - it's not like a child who is more or less compliant. She's also heavy - have you ever tried lifting even a size 12 adult woman from the floor or out of the bath? Not like picking up a toddler. The provision of any kind of daycare for elderly people is near non-existent. No 30 hours free care for them to give carers a break.

When you have children they get more independent so a parent's caring job becomes less hands on, turning into guiding rather than full on caring. At age 5 children are in full time schooling so out of the house a big chunk of the day. With an elderly its the opposite - and can go on, getting slowly worse, for 20 years as they decline physically & mentally. As I child I was potty trained by 3, using the toilet by 4. An elderly person can be incontinent, producing adult amounts of urine & poo for years and years. In the case of DM, she is fully aware of her incontinence so there is also emotional fallout.

I looked at my sister, DM's main carer, yesterday - she looks exhausted. I try to help, unlike my DB who's gone awol. Another family member, who is ill himself with long covid, also does lots. But even spreading the load is leaving us exhausted. We're not young 20/30 somethings with energy and strength. DSis & I are both in our 60s and have our own health problems. Goodness knows how sole carers manage. It's a scandle that so many people are left caring alone without adequate support.

Caring for an elderly P is demanding physically, emotionally & mentally. Don't underestimate how difficult it is.

Isn’t it? Love, real love, is having them cared for safely 24/7. The point comes where that’s impossible at home. I guess you have to have been there to get it.

My mother died young. I was too young myself at this point to comprehend was caring for a terminally ill relative meant - the whole thing blindsided us and she died a mere 5 weeks after diagnosis leaving everyone shocked and reeling. I have a brother, but as the female next of kin I found the main caring responsibility fell to me, and I was the one the doctors contacted in the first instance. If they called me I had to drop everything. My mum had a brain tumour and wasn't in control of what she was doing. She could fall at any time with no awareness, and I was lighter than she was so found it impossible to get her up. Long-term care in that situation would have been very difficult - and at that age was outside my comprehension or experience. I wasn't even thirty.

My grandmother died of MND 6 months after my mum. She begged me to help her die. I just didn't know what to do. I didn't have the courage to do that. I had never heard of Dignitas, and was still struggling without my mum to help me. Then my grandfather developed dementia and also had low blood pressure which made him liable to sudden falls. He also very uncharacteristically turned on me - thought I was trying to hurt him (not his fault, but the condition). You cannot care for someone at home under those circumstances. It would have been dangerous for him and for me.

I have no chance of caring for my parents in their old age, they're already gone, but would say that people rarely know what this entails and often decisions are taken out of your hands. There are usually guilty feelings - the feeling that you've failed them. But I could only do my best with what was available to me in terms of experience and resources at the time. (I can't help thinking, though, that it wasn't a very good 'best').

Now my only surviving relative, my brother, is in what I suspect are the final stages of chronic alcoholism. Again I'm the one expected to pick up the pieces whilst he's barely functioning but knee deep in denial, insisting nothing's wrong. I'm exhausted, and to be honest also resentful - I'm recovering from a serious injury and now my DH has been diagnosed with early stage cancer. (He's 51). I can't pick up anyone else's broken pieces right now. DH is the one who needs and deserves to be my priority.

I just can't do it all - be there for everyone, as I have been constantly for years. And because I'm FUCKING female the whole of the rest of society thinks these unenviable 'rescuer' roles belong exclusively to me. (In DH's case they do, in other cases, they fell to me because I was the competent one). I have a young child to think of on top of all these other issues.

I'm exhausted. I feel like someone who's lived a much longer life than I actually have. To others in this position I would say it's all very well to pontificate about what you WOULD do, but being in that situation is a different proposition entirely.

Sorry - this thread has opened the floodgates for me somewhat. Thanks if you've read this far - this post has been cathartic.

To those who say "my parents cared for me, its my duty to care for them, I say "Nice sentiment, but do you realise caring for an elderly P is bloody hard work, quite different from caring for a child."

I think we would need a definition of 'caring for' to be able to respond appropriately. For me, 'caring for' means making decisions that ensure they have the support in place that they need - whether that be you, as the child, providing it or bringing in carers and ultimately, making a decision to put your parent in a home.

Like you, I suspect many of the 'I would do the caring' posters have never actually cared for an elderly relative, particularly one with dementia. I made a decision to put my mum in a care home when she could no longer live safely in the community - I gave her as long as I could but she was no longer safe and was becoming a nuisance for her neigbhours who had been happy to support her to a point. She couldn't live with me because as I was a single working parent and her behaviour was frightening to witness and ocassionally she was threatening violence. Essentially, she'd have ended up taking the roof from over our heads because I couldn't have afforded my mortgage if I didn't work so a care home was our only option. It was a terrible decision to have to make but I have no regrets. It was right for us as a family and right for her that she had specialised care from those who knew what they were dealing with.

Love, real love, is having them cared for safely 24/7

This is exactly it.

@SerafinasGoose Absolutely right. Your life matters as well. At some stage we have to say . NO. This is my turn to live my life.

My Mother died before needing care which I am glad about because my mum would have hated it . She did need help with technology and we looked after her when she was unwell in her old age ie chest infection,hip replacement .Father died many years ago .
Am certain that my sister and I would have continued to do as much as possible to look after her but she was always adamant that she never wanted us to give personal care because of her dignity.
The only conversations I have had with my own children is that we will sort out POA in our 60s and that if we require care ,they will ensure that we are well looked after.

@OlympicProcrastinator

I'm glad you have posted as I was hoping someone from a different cultural background would post just to give a different perpective. Are you Asian? It seems to be the common for Asian families to have multigenerational households which I can see is wonderful but also could be challenging depending on the personalities/circumstances involved.

Really sorry if I offended anyone, when I said I would care for them I meant I would participate in decisions about their care, help as much as I could etc, I certainly didn’t mean provide 24/7 physical care as with my life as it currently is wouldn’t allow for it. I just meant I wouldn’t leave them to fend for themselves.

@jhiyp96676y " BIL lives with PIL and looks after them. PIL are both elderly and have physical as well as mental problems. After six months of taking care of them - BIL is now permanently angry, sleep deprived and pissed off with them"
I see how this happens to someone. I've spent a lot of my employment working with people with profound disabilities. I've been a very patient person not phased by personal care of the messiest kind. Now I feel like I've been broken. I'm no longer so patient with DM, especially when she refuses to do things like put her hearing aid in so she can hear, or use her walking frame etc. Last time I had to clean up after she was incontinent & had wash diarrhea that had run all down her legs I vomited afterwards. She has capacity & won't go into a care home.

Not read the full thread but I think there's a massive spectrum of needs.

If I lived close to my mum, would I take her to appointments etc? Yes.

Would I mow her lawn - probably not but I'd pay someone to do it. She does pay someone to do it.

Would I cook for her - probably not that often but I would take her M&S ready meals (she also buys those to have when she doesn't want to cook)

Would I do washing and light housework - yes if I lived close enough and wasn't working full time but much younger people have a cleaner and my tight-fisted father even paid for one! Sorting out clothes washing isn't a difficult job.

Would I do personal care and nursing - no. People who do that are trained professionals and have the right equipment. When my father was in his last six months of life, he needed two people to take him to the toilet, even with a hoist. That isn't something you can do on your own especially if you have kids and/or need to work to keep a roof over your head.

There is a massive difference between helping out at one end of the spectrum and care and nursing at the other.

As for elderly people moving, it's a difficult one. I don't think they do well when "transplanted". My aunt died within six months of moving to be close to my cousin, my aunt-by-marriage died within four months of moving to be close to her daughter :(

OP if your father doesn't want to go into a home then he needs to put things in place to help avoid it. Such as living in a flat or low maintenance bungalow. Having a housekeeper or cleaner. Making sure the garden is low maintenance. Having a big freezer for ready meals. Making sure he lives near good public transport (at least for the moment, it's not easy to predict bus routes etc but living near a railway station helps). Having a walk in shower rather than a bath. Living as healthy a lifestyle as possible to avoid avoidable problems.

It's no good eg staying in a five bedroom house out in the country and then saying you can't cope and your children daughters have to sacrifice aspects of their lives to deal with things you should have been able to foresee.

In my experience, the ones who say "you cannot put me in a home, I expect you to care" are the ones who have been terrible to uninterested care givers themselves.

MIL always said she wanted to be carried out of the house in a box - ie, she didn’t want to go in a home! She was a SAHP until all her DC had left home; she devoted her life to her family, and always worked hard at it.

It's the difference between Helping and Caring. People talk about caring for parents when they mean taking them to the supermarket, ordering stuff online, accompanying to medical appointments. But that's helping out and something most of us would be happy with. Caring is much more involved and can take over your life.

It's fine to know your limits and say that actually, you can't cope with full 24/7 care, or even sharing that sort of level of care with a sibling, it would totally take over your life. This is what's happened to mum over recent years as dad has gradually declined. Although she wasn't needing to deal with incontinence she could not leave him unsupervised for even 5 minutes. It's so draining for her. And now that he's in hospital she has started to realise just how much looking after dad has dominated her life and feels incredibly guilty about feeling that way.

It's an emotional minefield, with responsibility and guilt all tied up together.

Sadly so many of thee decisions are taken out of our hands. My PILs were adamant that they didn't want to be a burden to family, however now both in their 90's with a whole range of physical limitations, sight/heaaring loss, dementia and increasing frailty they require increasing amounts of assistance. my dh was visiting last year when one of his parents had a fall. Until a care package could be arranged (took many weeks) dh became the defacto full time 24hour carer. Doing all aspects of personal care including helping his Mum dress/ undress and go to the toilet. Not what anyone would have planned or wanted but he couldn't walk out and leave them.

Things have deteriorated rapidly, they now have 24hr live in care, but the parent with dementia is increasingly delusional and paranoid and thinks they are being held hostage on a farm. Tries to escape. That is so distressing for their spouse of 60+ years and the family are actively looking at care home options for both. Their house will be sold but with 2 people in residential care the money won't last long.

They don't want to live like this. We don't want to see them living like this. But what can you do?