How much responsibility do you feel to look after parents in old age?

[myusernamed]

As the title says.

Do your parents talk about when they are old and what they might expect from you in terms of looking after them?

Do you feel a sense of responsibility for looking after them in old age?

There is only me and my sister and she now lives a few hours away. I automatically feel as though I will be responsible for sorting stuff out.

Father often says he will never go into a home - like it's up to me to make sure that doesn't happen.

Does anyone else feel this expectation?

Yes, it was part of a huge catalogue of shit she caused, she also lied about a lot of things. My dad suffered abuse in the respite placement and she colluded with the care home to cover it up. Really stupid lies (like he ran across a room and lunged at her like an animal - he can’t stand or walk unaided). She’s currently suspended but will be stuck off in due course.

DH and I are now in our 9th year of supporting parents with ever increasing care needs. If we had tried to do it all instead of insisting that any help that can be bought in was we'd probably be dead ourselves by now.

Awful

Sorry, bit of a long one but this is what can happen when you promise never to put a parent in a home, regardless of the situation. A bit extreme but a true story.

Used to work with a woman, she was very smart, middle management and predicted to go far in the company. Bumped into her a while ago and didn't recognise her at first, she was scruffy and unkempt. She said let's go for a coffee and catch up so as I wasn't very busy that day I went.

It turned out that her mother started to get a bit forgetful in her early 60s to the extent that my colleague didn't feel she was coping at home, so moved her in with her family into quite a large house. The mother kept making her promise not to put her in care on almost a daily basis. Colleague's husband went along with it but said that if she ever got too bad the mother would have to go into care.

Long story short - kids were never able to have friends round because granny had a habit of walking into the room stark naked, sometimes covered in poo - they could never go on holiday as a family because Mum couldn't be left for more than a few hours - colleague had to leave work and they started having trouble keeping up the repayments on the house. After coming home from work to find that his MIL had left shit in the fridge the husband said he couldn't live like it any longer, they had no life, and either the Mum went into care or he was leaving. My colleague said she had promised her Mum not to do that, so he left. The lovely house was sold. The kids originally stayed with their mum but as granny's behaviour became increasingly irratic they left to live with their Dad. They felt that their Mum only considered granny in everything and didn't care about their welfare so they are now very low contact.

The mother is now dead but my former colleague was unable to get back to anywhere near her previous employment level and had a breakdown, so lost the house she bought after the split. She is now living in a crappy flat over a take-away, has lost her career, family and lovely home. She's a shadow of her former self.

As I said, an extreme example but some people on here have no idea what living with a person with dementia or complex needs is actually like and think that love can conquer all. My Dad had dementia and when he was able to I used to have him to stay. By the end of the two weeks I was exhausted (he only slept for a couple of hours at a time and would wander off at all hours). However much I loved him I knew I couldn't have him with me permanently. For his safety and my sanity he had to go into care.

There is a comment upthread about future proofing - it might delay but doesn’t stop the inevitable.

My Mum is 87, fit and has all her marbles. She moved with her late husband to a small one level house when they retired and she has a small automatic car, so can get around without much difficulty.

She is still able to clean the house etc but inevitably is not as able or dexterous as she used to be.

She has had 2 accidents in the last couple of years - one caused by someone else falling on her and the other was tripping on an outdoor walk and tumbling down a small incline. Both necessitated hospital stays and me having to stay and help her when she got home. I think people just get frailer with age and it is more difficult to recover from accidents.

I think the very elderly, particularly if they never used computers at work, struggle with tech and everything is online these days. She has an iPhone and IPad but struggles with tech generally, like online shopping.

I don't feel a responsibility to society or to my parents however I'd like to help them out. I had an elderly uncle (since died) with health problems. He was literally in hospital every month for 3 years. He needed carers. He didn't want that so his health suffered. I did help out and sometimes I found it stressful but ultimately I handed over to 'the state'. I do recall a conversation with his GP seeking advice and he was unfortunate to use what became a trigger phrase...."What you need to do is...."....No, what you need to do is ....I've told you his toe has droped off and he needs input!" It's quite hard sometimes.
I've had conversations with my mum about future care. She's a very agreeable person and sociable so she's says she's happy to go into sheltered accomodation or a 'care home' provided it doesn't smell of urine!
I will fight for my right to remain a daughter and not a carer. I'll help with an internet order give occasional lifts, mow the lawn (if I feel like it) but I won't do a weekly shop, assistvwith personal care etc unless short term. I think that's fair.

Sorry to hear this. Glad to hear she is being struck off, she’s a disgrace and sounds unhinged

My mother in law has repeatedly said that she will never go into a home. Should she ever need full time caring I have made it clear to my husband that she can't live with us. Quite simply, our marriage would not survive it. She is an awful woman and I just couldn't bare it as it would be my responsibility as my DH works very long hours.

My husband is on the same page and has said it's not an option but I hate how she says it as though it's our responsibility and she is entitled.

My own mother would not want to burden us and would prefer to go into a home but I would care for her if she needed it.

Yes this!

My grandmother was the most living and selfless woman I have known. She didn't want to burden anyone and always said she would go into a home. When she broke her hip my husband immediately offered a home with us but sadly she passed away when they operated on her hip.

My MIL was a very absent parent to my DH, is great with our children but he very little respect for me or my DH and is pretty awful to be around. She has repeatedly told us she won't go in a home. In no uncertain terms I told my husband our marriage would not survive her living with us and it's not happening.

@Soes oh, l agree about the future proofing. It buys time but l know long term doesn’t solve anything. It’s more that my mother refuses to make any changes and as ever just wants to do things her way -it’s a long running theme!

Honestly I don't think anyone can know until the time it happens. Depends if you are working or have other commitments that take up your time. It depends on the level of care they require. Until I'm in the situation I can't say yes I'll do everything and anything to help them because I don't know.

In Laws are going through some dementia issues currently but they have the ability to pay for care and anything they need to help them so that makes things a little easier. My parents I don't know. They don't talk to me about anything related to care/dying etc and don't want to bother me with it.

Hard to tell, I don't think I could manage my parents to living with me. I know I could manage visiting them, doing shopping, bringing food etc., (although I can only imagine how draining it can be), but definitely could not live with parent with dementia or Alzheimer, so I think I would put them in care. I am hoping I will never have to make such choice, but my parents never forced me to promise I will take them to live with me. My mum wouldn't be happy taking her MIL either and she said that, so I guess we can tell that's the family dynamics.

I think it's really sensible to be very specific about what you are willing and able to do, and what is impossible. We are currently going through this with my Dad, mum has been talking to social services about what she can do for dad - like making sure bills are paid, organising medication, cooking for him - and what she is simply unable to do - lifting him, manhandling him in/out of bed, washing him, toileting.

I think a lot of posters are confusing HELP with CARE. Most of us are happy to help with supermarket shopping trips, collecting prescriptions, "baby sitting" for a few hours to allow the other parent to get their hair cut or something. Full time care is a whole other kettle of fish. Not just for people with dementia, but someone might have all of their cognitive abilities but some other issues which mean they need help with everything from getting dressed to brushing their teeth. It's a bit like having a toddler. Except a big, strong toddler who cannot simply be picked up and put into a cot. Agree that caring in this way does have implications for the wider family - no holidays, not even evenings out with friends, kids feel uncomfortable having friends round, social isolation.

Nobody gets all gleeful at the idea of packing mum/dad off to a care home. Believe me, it;s a very hard decision. In my dad's case that's where he's probably headed die to a combination of the dementia and the other issues he has. Of course we'd rather he was at home. But it's not about what we as a family want. It's what's best for dad in terms of his needs and ongoing care.

I'm already in this stage of life. Both parents are suffering from failing health - DF particularly.

At the moment it's just help with life and decision making but I expect we'll need carers in soon. DF certainly wouldn't accept personal care from me; I'm not even allowed to drive his car although he can't himself at the moment and DM won't as it's too big for her.

It's life limiting at the moment but I'm OK with doing it. My parents gave me a good childhood and I do feel that I owe it to be there for them now. Dbro is as much use as a chocolate teapot.

@SoHereWeGo

Sorry to hear you're in this scenario at the moment. Must be tricky to navigate and meet everyone's wants and needs.

Did you just pick up the reigns willingly or have your parents imposed the responsibility on you?

Bit of both I think - I've been helping out as required for a few years now, even sneaking over the border into Wales during lockdown as they needed help with medical issues. There was no way I was leaving my elderly parents to try and cope alone post surgery ( and with an unsafe discharge which had DF back in hospital with 24 hrs) whatever Drakeford might have decreed.

The frequency has just crept up and up and they have now moved much closer to us which whilst convenient is a double edged sword as I'm now trapped where we are now for the next few years whether I like it or not. I don't see DF making Christmas unfortunately and I think DM will go down rapidly if left alone.

This is what I mean by being clear about what you're prepared to do, @SoHereWeGo . You're happy to do the admin and shopping. You're not prepared/able to do the personal care.

It sounds awful but more than one person has told me that when you are negotiating care packages with Social Services, if you show any hesitation about what you might be able to do, they will assume you will do it. Because they are so stretched.

And @SoHereWeGo you have my heartfelt sympathies about how difficult it is watching a parent go rapidly downhill. It's so hard.

No - I said DF would not accept it from me. That's entirely different.

Thank you - it is isn't it?. We had the old photos out the other day which really rammed it home that they are now very elderly.

Yes it is. Dad is mentally in a place where he doesn't consistently recognise me, and looking a pictures of even a few years ago is very difficult. Mum is fit and well (as well as you can be at 79) but is finding dad's illness mentally very difficult.

My grandparents all lived into their 80s and died either suddenly, or after a brief illness. This slow, gradual decline is something none of us has had to cope with before. My teenagers are finding it very hard to deal with. I have made it absolutely clear that they do not feel they have to see grandad and not to feel obligated. He doesn't recognise them and wouldn't remember they were there anyway.

@KnittingNeedles

Pressed enter too soon.

You are right about SS though!

The hospital wanted to discharge DF after a bout in ITU on a Sunday with no equipment in place and no OT assessment. I refused to accept him although he was desperate to come home but he was so weak and hadn't even been assessed as to whether he was safe to shower. There was no way that DM could safely help him if he slipped and I made it very clear that I was not available to help.

I agree Knittingneedles be clear what you will do or can do. My sisters kids are young. Im not willing to run myself ragged. So alot could fall to me if I let it. We had years of it with dad. I think people have a romantic idea of caring the reality is very hard and no break from it.

My father is 93 and recently went into a care home. He'd managed terribly well for 6 years since my mother died though of course he felt very lonely without her but in the last year he deteriorated so much that it was no longer safe for him to live independently.

I am lucky that I am one of 4 daughters though in reality only 3 of us visit regularly. I live the nearest so inevitably I get contacted and visit the most. Had a lot of urgent visits to A&E etc.

I absolutely think it's my responsibility to do so - I've been at least once a week since my Mum died - it's part of my routine and I will miss it when he's gone. I'm also motivated by what my Mum would want me to do. It was especially important during covid when I was the only one who chose to be in a bubble with him. I was his lifeline. My other sisters do a lot of medication and finance for him so they do take their turn too.

Not expected but would like to think I would help, but it really depends on level doesn’t it ? Very few people can care full time for people with dementia however if it was just helping around the house, keeping company , helping with appointments etc etc then I would definitely be there