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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That people l think it’s crazy my DH helps so much!!

185 replies

Led9519 · 14/03/2023 21:24

Noticed a few times recently when I’ve spoken about my DC’s routines and how much DH helps that other mums look at me in disbelief?!
YABU- DH does too much
YANBU-DH involvement ok

The detail;
We have three DC’s, 5 years, 2 years, 5 months. I’m on maternity leave, dh works from home. I’m also exclusively expressing as dd3 ultimately refused to nurse and we want her to have breastmilk so that takes time.
DH;
gets the older two ready for school/childminder in the morning and out the door. I look after baby and express.

He takes the baby off me at lunchtime, I make our lunches up and express!

I cook and clean and pick the kids up in the afternoon. We have dinner together as a family. DH looks after the other two, I bath the baby. DH then does bedtime routine with baby and I get the other two ready for bed. When baby is asleep DH does one bedtime with another kid, I do the other.

As we are bottle feeding DH does baby night wake ups from 10-2am, I get up to express 1:30am and do baby night wake ups 2-6am. Whoever isn’t on baby duty does the other kids wake ups if necessary.

We’ve currently postponed evenings out so we can work as a team at bedtimes/nighttime until the kids are a bit older.
For clarity I’m on maternity with the baby.. do the food shopping and cooking, most of the cleaning, laundry and all our money stuff like mortgage, insurance, savings etc.

When ppl find out I don’t do babies bedtimes, when I get a lunch break, when dh gets kids ready for school my mum friends look at me in disbelief? When he postponed a night out until the baby sleeps better they looked aghast?! And when they find out Dh does some night wake ups they look like they have literally lost it?!
Most of them are breastfeeding and I know that’s slightly different but they have other kids but their husbands don’t seem to help as much… and I’ve literally had to justify my DH helping me before! (He works in IT so nothing too crazy if he’s tired).

Are other partners really that crap at helping out in general, or is it just the friends I have?! I reckon out of 5 or 6 of them only 1 couple has a similar dynamic.

OP posts:
londonloves · 14/03/2023 21:27

It's not helping. It's contributing to the household. The bar is so bloody low for men if people think this is amazing. It should be normal.

Original poster
Led9519 · 14/03/2023 21:27

To clarify btw it’s not jobs or circumstances. Their partners are in a similar position (maybe not wfh but certainly home in time to help bedtime, and jobs were you can be tired and not out yourself or other ppl in danger).

Anyway… confused!!

OP posts:
SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 14/03/2023 21:27

Are they his children? If so then it’s not helping, it’s parenting .

AFS1 · 14/03/2023 21:28

Sounds like a really good balance to me.

Maybebabyno2 · 14/03/2023 21:29

Sounds normal in my house and those of most couples I know.

DrMeredithGrey2023 · 14/03/2023 21:30

My DP sometimes likes to tell me (if I'm grumbling about being busy around the house) that none of his friends pitch in at home as much as he does.

I tell him that if his friends partners are happy to accept such a low standard then that's their lookout.

I think in general some men are shit, and some women expect more, so they get away with it.

Coffeellama · 14/03/2023 21:30

He isn’t ‘helping’, he is doing his fair share. It’s really bizarre that your friends are so blown away by it.

HazyDragon · 14/03/2023 21:30

Doesn't sound like your DH is doing anything special, just parenting.

TheChosenTwo · 14/03/2023 21:31

Sounds like a good fair split and if you’re both happy with it there’s no problem at all.
I’d never be postponing nights out though, they were very important to both DH and I when we had small children, I never wanted my whole life to be revolved solely around my kids no matter how much I love them! We could both handle juggling bedtimes okay though and I wasn’t pumping milk so this made it easy.
Carry on if you’re both okay with how things are, don’t let other peoples opinions make you feel like you’re doing anything wrong.

user50and · 14/03/2023 21:31

Sounds normal to me

Multipleexclamationmarks · 14/03/2023 21:32

He's not helping he's doing his share of parenting his kids.
It's only relevant if the both of you are happy with the way your household is setup.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 14/03/2023 21:33

londonloves · 14/03/2023 21:27

It's not helping. It's contributing to the household. The bar is so bloody low for men if people think this is amazing. It should be normal.

This

Original poster
Led9519 · 14/03/2023 21:33

Yeah they’re his kids! My friend thought it was crazy he wasn’t getting his night out and that he didn’t ‘resent’ me for it. She said she wouldn’t want her husband resenting her because she didn’t want him to go out…..
well I don’t want to resent my husband because I’m trying to express and the baby and toddler are crying out at the same time.
my other friends partner gets out of nighttime wake ups because “he’s rubbish at them.”

My sisters all have similar set ups. Maybe it’s because when Dad would get home after work my mum would go out and do her evening shift that I’m used to it being teamwork?!

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 14/03/2023 21:34

Unless you’ve exclusively expressed you wouldn’t really fathom how much time it takes - it would literally be impossible without your husband pulling his weight. If he wants your baby to have exclusively breastmilk then there isn’t an option where he does less, your friends probably don’t get that.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/03/2023 21:34

This is not 'helping' its called being a parent.

Or are you fake boasting?

ErrolTheDragon · 14/03/2023 21:34

YANBU except for using the word 'helps' rather than 'shared parenting his kids'.

Relax and stop justifying a normal relationship.

Corcomroe · 14/03/2023 21:34

londonloves · 14/03/2023 21:27

It's not helping. It's contributing to the household. The bar is so bloody low for men if people think this is amazing. It should be normal.

This. DH doesn’t ‘help’, he looks after his own child, does the laundry of his household, buys the groceries for his household etc — he’s not doing me a favour because I have a vagina as well as a doctorate and am thus naturally the one whose job childcare, cooking, cleaning etc is…

Lcb123 · 14/03/2023 21:35

He’s not helping!!!! It’s his share of parenting and running a household. I feel sorry for your friends!! Your set up sounds normal and to be expected.

Original poster
Led9519 · 14/03/2023 21:35

I think my husband happy to delay nights out because he’d poop his pants if I left a bottle and skipped out the door for 6 hours!

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 14/03/2023 21:35

Are they not his children?

If they're not his, then yes, he's doing a lot.

If they're his, then no, he isn't. I was the 'dad' (I'm the non-bio mum in a same-sex relationship), and I did more than your DH, but my DP had a really hard time so it wasn't optional. I think your set up sounds nice, so long as you are both happy.

Remember - if you were working, you'd get a lunch break! It's not a luxury really. I had my DD whole days from when she was 5.5 months to nearly two, and it's incredibly tiring! And you do that with other older children! You need and deserve that time - please don't start second-guessing it.

Fundays12 · 14/03/2023 21:36

My DH is like this. I wouldn't expect any less. We are both parents although I never asked him to do night feeds if he was working the next day but he did the 11pm feed (if I worked the next day he fed did the night feeds if he had too I did). He baths the younger dc most nights and puts them to bed. He gets them breakfast but I will dress them though they can now largely dress themselves. One of us helps brush there teeth. Dcs are 11, 6 and 3.

I do most of the cleaning and cooking. He doesn't WFH so it's just me at home but I do work very part time and volunteer work too. I do a lot of house DIY stuff too but I enjoy it so DH will often be doing the dinner while I have the paintbrush or power drill out. I do the garden while he hoovers but it's me that deep cleans the house etc.

Dad's should be hands on too. It's not just a mum's job and I hope my son's are as hands on if not more than there dad is.

pointythings · 14/03/2023 21:37

He's being a good parent and a good partner. It's a shame that is so rare. My late husband was like this when ours were little when I was on mat leave - he didn't WFH but still did his share, including cooking when the witching hour was going on and I was clusterfeeding for 4 hours at a stretch.

Original poster
Led9519 · 14/03/2023 21:37

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/03/2023 21:34

This is not 'helping' its called being a parent.

Or are you fake boasting?

This is what I mean though. This is what my mates are like, they start getting aggy with me like I’m boasting. Why would it be a boast? I’m not going on about it, friend asked me what baby’s bedtime routine was, I just told her what we do. She also has three kids.

OP posts:
DrMeredithGrey2023 · 14/03/2023 21:37

There's nothing wrong with delaying nights out. They are only this small for such a little amount of time.

Now our children our older, we are both free to go on as many nights/weekends away as we please, no feelings of guilt as we both get the same opportunities

DiddyHeck · 14/03/2023 21:38

Perhaps your friends are just a bit taken aback at your dramatic language?

"When ppl find out I don’t do babies bedtimes, when I get a lunch break, when dh gets kids ready for school my mum friends look at me in disbelief? When he postponed a night out until the baby sleeps better they looked aghast?! And when they find out Dh does some night wake ups they look like they have literally lost it?!

This is just a dad parenting his child. Do you think you might be hamming it up and that's what's annoying them?