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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That people l think it’s crazy my DH helps so much!!

185 replies

Led9519 · 14/03/2023 21:24

Noticed a few times recently when I’ve spoken about my DC’s routines and how much DH helps that other mums look at me in disbelief?!
YABU- DH does too much
YANBU-DH involvement ok

The detail;
We have three DC’s, 5 years, 2 years, 5 months. I’m on maternity leave, dh works from home. I’m also exclusively expressing as dd3 ultimately refused to nurse and we want her to have breastmilk so that takes time.
DH;
gets the older two ready for school/childminder in the morning and out the door. I look after baby and express.

He takes the baby off me at lunchtime, I make our lunches up and express!

I cook and clean and pick the kids up in the afternoon. We have dinner together as a family. DH looks after the other two, I bath the baby. DH then does bedtime routine with baby and I get the other two ready for bed. When baby is asleep DH does one bedtime with another kid, I do the other.

As we are bottle feeding DH does baby night wake ups from 10-2am, I get up to express 1:30am and do baby night wake ups 2-6am. Whoever isn’t on baby duty does the other kids wake ups if necessary.

We’ve currently postponed evenings out so we can work as a team at bedtimes/nighttime until the kids are a bit older.
For clarity I’m on maternity with the baby.. do the food shopping and cooking, most of the cleaning, laundry and all our money stuff like mortgage, insurance, savings etc.

When ppl find out I don’t do babies bedtimes, when I get a lunch break, when dh gets kids ready for school my mum friends look at me in disbelief? When he postponed a night out until the baby sleeps better they looked aghast?! And when they find out Dh does some night wake ups they look like they have literally lost it?!
Most of them are breastfeeding and I know that’s slightly different but they have other kids but their husbands don’t seem to help as much… and I’ve literally had to justify my DH helping me before! (He works in IT so nothing too crazy if he’s tired).

Are other partners really that crap at helping out in general, or is it just the friends I have?! I reckon out of 5 or 6 of them only 1 couple has a similar dynamic.

OP posts:
Original poster
Led9519 · 14/03/2023 22:25

5128gap · 14/03/2023 22:22

Put it this way...
Your H has three young children. He gets two of them ready in the morning then goes to work in the clothes that have been laundered for him.
At lunch time he holds his baby for a bit then eats the lunch that's been prepared for him.
After work he plays with his children then eats the dinner cooked for him, then puts one child to bed, and is handed his freshly bathed baby to put to bed.
He may be disturbed up until 2am, but then is free to sleep for the next 5 or so hours straight. In his bed with sheets laundered for him, in the house that's been cleaned and tidied for him, and safe in the knowledge the mortgage payments have been organised and everything has been insured.
And, the lucky one is....?

Might frame that one for him 😂

OP posts:
creekingmillenial · 14/03/2023 22:26

*yaNOTbu that should say!

IAmTheWalrus85 · 14/03/2023 22:26

My DH is great compared to a lot of lazy useless men. He does tons of housework, childcare and cooking. He doesn’t have nights out - he’d be more than welcome to have them if he wanted to, he definitely pulls his weight enough to earn some nights off - but he’d rather spend the time with the children.

But I’ll be totally honest, I still don’t think things are 100% equal in our relationship. There are lots of little things that fall to me, particularly relating to the kids. Some of it’s my fault and I need to find a way of reallocating it but I’m thinking of things like:

The nursery always calls me if one of them is ill
It’s up to me to ensure nursery fees are paid
It’s up to me to ensure their bags and coats are packed for nursery
If one of them is invited to a birthday party I buy a present and card
It’s my job to organise their birthday parties and invitations
It’s up to me to notice if they’re growing out of their clothes or shoes and to buy them new ones
It’s up to me to notice if their toothbrushes need replacing and to buy new ones

IWineAndDontDine · 14/03/2023 22:26

I have a similar set up and have been told by 3 family members in the last 2 months that DH does everything. Anything more than throwing them in the air every now and then is seen as going above and beyond.

emituofo · 14/03/2023 22:26

It all sounds normal to me, however I do realise I was lucky everytime I talk to other mums.

My DH is WFH full time while im a SAHM. In the morning he gets up first and prepares breakfast, I get the kids dressed and join him. I get the kids ready for school, he drops them off.

I cook us lunch and he washes dishes after. I pick up the kids from school and make sure they do a bit extra learning ( language and music).

I cook dinner and again he washes dishes. I brush the kids teeth and he take them to shower/bath, then read them stories. We put kids to bed together and kiss them good night.

I do all the shopping and cooking, washing, birthday gifts, holiday planning etc, he does all the bills, bins, gardening, car related stuff etc. I take our DD to music lessons after school and he takes our DS to his sports trainning in the evening. In the weekend he does all the kids parties and extra lessons.

When our DC were babies, I breastfed them both to 14 months. When they woke up in the middle of the night, DH would get up and change their nappies then bring them to me for the feed. Then he would lay on my side of the bed until I finished, so that I had a warm bed after the long feed.

We work really well as a team, and this is just normal to us. He never expected me to do everything because he is working full time and Im at home full time. He knew that he wouldnt be able to work without any worries if I wasnt there to take care of other things. I understand it is not the case for everyone and I do appreciate the way we work together as a team.

SarahAndQuack · 14/03/2023 22:28

Coffeellama · 14/03/2023 22:22

So you don’t think any dads do bedtimes or take kids to appointments? Really?

Show quote history

Confused I didn't say that, did I? So why do you think I think it?

I don't think it is true that 'in the real world' what the OP's husband does is 'just normal'. I don't think she is boasting.

If you read MN threads for a while, or have friends with children, it soon becomes clear that there are lots of men who think that their wives should do all the childcare. Search this forum: you will find loads of threads where the OP says she's on maternity leave and her husband expects her to do all the childcare and all the care of the baby. And, sometimes, those threads will end with posters concluding that's only right and proper.

I am the 'dad' type parent to my DD, and of course I take her to appointments and do her bedtimes. But, even from NCT courses before she was born, it was so obvious that less was expected of dads. It just is. If dads routinely parented, en masse, as much as mums, then we wouldn't have a gender pay gap, would we?

StBernie · 14/03/2023 22:28

YANBU of course. Your friends are most likely a little jealous and irked upon realising that their DH doesn’t do nearly enough.

PhukOph · 14/03/2023 22:29

Onnabugeisha · 14/03/2023 22:24

Nice victim blaming. So it’s women’s fault for choosing to have a baby with a lazy bastard?

I know this doesn’t happen by choice at all. You sound incredibly naive if you think women can tell in advance of having children what sort of father their partner is really going to be.

It’s well established in psychological studies that what people say and think they would do in any situation often doesn’t match what they actually end up doing in that situation.

Show quote history

If you choose to have kids with someone you know is lazy, then that's your choice. Victim blaming? Are you for real? I AM TALKING ABOUT HAVING KIDS WITH SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS LAAAZZZZYYY!!! The only victim here is me reading your nonsense.

Onnabugeisha · 14/03/2023 22:29

Helpmethanks · 14/03/2023 22:24

It’s how it should be but for many it isn’t

My STBX didn’t do his fair share

I pushed for him to do this

He ran off with a younger woman leaving me with all the parenting

She has now just had a baby with him but will probably put up with him doing nothing as he was her boss at work & she’s used to doing what he says plus she likes the fact she won’t have to work again (he’s got many promotions and earns a lot of money now)

How do you feel about posters like @PhukOph and @Coffeellama saying it’s your fault you chose to have a baby with a lazy man, and that of course you could tell he was lazy beforehand ?

How little they must think of you (and women in general) to think that you would consciously know ahead of time your STBEX would let you down and still go ahead with a baby.

Merryoldgoat · 14/03/2023 22:29

It’s well established in psychological studies that what people say and think they would do in any situation often doesn’t match what they actually end up doing in that situation.

That’s why looking at how they behave rather than listening to the bollocks they speak is important.

I was 100% sure my DH would be as he is. For all the time we were together before having children he did what he said he would, put himself out for family and friends, was generous with time and money, shared housework, cooked, looked after me when I was sick, all of the things that suggest he’d be a decent father.

And he is all that without me ever having to ask him to help.

Plenty of women ignore very obvious signs and have children before actually getting to know someone. It’s not their fault but it shouldn’t be a surprise.

Albiboba · 14/03/2023 22:30

Onnabugeisha · 14/03/2023 22:16

It is luck though. You take a leap of faith with a man when you decide to start a family together. There’s no amount of quizzing and fortune telling that can predict if your Nigel is a good egg or a lazy bastard. Past behaviour is not a reliable indicator of future behaviour.

Women trust their partner and then when the babies arrive they are let down. They don’t have low bars, they are stuck because unless the man does very little to nothing, they know it will be harder to do 100% as a single mum than it is doing the 51%-85% they are trapped into doing now.

Im not sure it’s any more depressing than other issues whereby partners let down or betray each other.

Show quote history

I really don’t see it as luck. Anyone I know with a terrible partner had a terrible partner before and after kids.
Even here, most of the time these women admit they did most of the cleaning, food or life planning before kids but it didn’t bother them as much. Why anyone thinks a man who’s been pandered go for years will suddenly take on all this work he never did before is beyond me.

Onnabugeisha · 14/03/2023 22:31

PhukOph · 14/03/2023 22:29

If you choose to have kids with someone you know is lazy, then that's your choice. Victim blaming? Are you for real? I AM TALKING ABOUT HAVING KIDS WITH SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS LAAAZZZZYYY!!! The only victim here is me reading your nonsense.

Show quote history

I’m saying you can’t know with certainty for the vast majority of men whether they will be a lazy parent until the baby arrives.

Jamieleecurtain · 14/03/2023 22:31

I thought this was going to be a stealth boast! Seems like you’re both pulling your weight and working as a team. Bloody well done both of you.

WimbyAce · 14/03/2023 22:31

Let's just drop the whole "helping" terminology. I really hate this mindset that men should get some kind of pat on the back for "helping".

SarahAndQuack · 14/03/2023 22:31

Merryoldgoat · 14/03/2023 22:29

It’s well established in psychological studies that what people say and think they would do in any situation often doesn’t match what they actually end up doing in that situation.

That’s why looking at how they behave rather than listening to the bollocks they speak is important.

I was 100% sure my DH would be as he is. For all the time we were together before having children he did what he said he would, put himself out for family and friends, was generous with time and money, shared housework, cooked, looked after me when I was sick, all of the things that suggest he’d be a decent father.

And he is all that without me ever having to ask him to help.

Plenty of women ignore very obvious signs and have children before actually getting to know someone. It’s not their fault but it shouldn’t be a surprise.

But, to be frank: this is anecdata. You are basically saying 'My situation worked well so I conclude I was very, very clever'. You would need a fair bit more evidence to make this rigorous!

SarahAndQuack · 14/03/2023 22:32

WimbyAce · 14/03/2023 22:31

Let's just drop the whole "helping" terminology. I really hate this mindset that men should get some kind of pat on the back for "helping".

100%

Coffeellama · 14/03/2023 22:32

SarahAndQuack · 14/03/2023 22:28

Confused I didn't say that, did I? So why do you think I think it?

I don't think it is true that 'in the real world' what the OP's husband does is 'just normal'. I don't think she is boasting.

If you read MN threads for a while, or have friends with children, it soon becomes clear that there are lots of men who think that their wives should do all the childcare. Search this forum: you will find loads of threads where the OP says she's on maternity leave and her husband expects her to do all the childcare and all the care of the baby. And, sometimes, those threads will end with posters concluding that's only right and proper.

I am the 'dad' type parent to my DD, and of course I take her to appointments and do her bedtimes. But, even from NCT courses before she was born, it was so obvious that less was expected of dads. It just is. If dads routinely parented, en masse, as much as mums, then we wouldn't have a gender pay gap, would we?

Show quote history

I didn't say that, did I? So why do you think I think it?

Very simple, I said ‘dads do bedtimes and take kids for vaccines’ and you quoted me and said: But, this isn't really true, is it?
So I don’t ‘think’ that you said it, you literally quoted me and said it.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 14/03/2023 22:32

MiddleParking · 14/03/2023 21:34

Unless you’ve exclusively expressed you wouldn’t really fathom how much time it takes - it would literally be impossible without your husband pulling his weight. If he wants your baby to have exclusively breastmilk then there isn’t an option where he does less, your friends probably don’t get that.

Yeah, I've never done it but my friend did and its just a complete faff isn't it? With two older kids and a baby fed in this way, there's not going to be much time to relax for either parent.

Original poster
Led9519 · 14/03/2023 22:33

IAmTheWalrus85 · 14/03/2023 22:26

My DH is great compared to a lot of lazy useless men. He does tons of housework, childcare and cooking. He doesn’t have nights out - he’d be more than welcome to have them if he wanted to, he definitely pulls his weight enough to earn some nights off - but he’d rather spend the time with the children.

But I’ll be totally honest, I still don’t think things are 100% equal in our relationship. There are lots of little things that fall to me, particularly relating to the kids. Some of it’s my fault and I need to find a way of reallocating it but I’m thinking of things like:

The nursery always calls me if one of them is ill
It’s up to me to ensure nursery fees are paid
It’s up to me to ensure their bags and coats are packed for nursery
If one of them is invited to a birthday party I buy a present and card
It’s my job to organise their birthday parties and invitations
It’s up to me to notice if they’re growing out of their clothes or shoes and to buy them new ones
It’s up to me to notice if their toothbrushes need replacing and to buy new ones

Yes all of this.
christmas presents
birthday presents
kids clothes
kids uniform
kids new shoes
kids clubs- dance/swimming etc
childcare admin
childcare account and payment
organise holidays
pack for holidays
etc etc.

When he’s tried to do these things he’ll always do something daft/wrong though. its just not his strengths so it’s up to me.

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 14/03/2023 22:33

Onnabugeisha · 14/03/2023 22:29

How do you feel about posters like @PhukOph and @Coffeellama saying it’s your fault you chose to have a baby with a lazy man, and that of course you could tell he was lazy beforehand ?

How little they must think of you (and women in general) to think that you would consciously know ahead of time your STBEX would let you down and still go ahead with a baby.

Show quote history

Why have you tagged me? I didn’t say that.

TheShellBeach · 14/03/2023 22:33

My DH and I are nearly seventy and we've always shared all the housework and childcare. Half each all the way.

CMO · 14/03/2023 22:34

Led9519 · 14/03/2023 21:24

Noticed a few times recently when I’ve spoken about my DC’s routines and how much DH helps that other mums look at me in disbelief?!
YABU- DH does too much
YANBU-DH involvement ok

The detail;
We have three DC’s, 5 years, 2 years, 5 months. I’m on maternity leave, dh works from home. I’m also exclusively expressing as dd3 ultimately refused to nurse and we want her to have breastmilk so that takes time.
DH;
gets the older two ready for school/childminder in the morning and out the door. I look after baby and express.

He takes the baby off me at lunchtime, I make our lunches up and express!

I cook and clean and pick the kids up in the afternoon. We have dinner together as a family. DH looks after the other two, I bath the baby. DH then does bedtime routine with baby and I get the other two ready for bed. When baby is asleep DH does one bedtime with another kid, I do the other.

As we are bottle feeding DH does baby night wake ups from 10-2am, I get up to express 1:30am and do baby night wake ups 2-6am. Whoever isn’t on baby duty does the other kids wake ups if necessary.

We’ve currently postponed evenings out so we can work as a team at bedtimes/nighttime until the kids are a bit older.
For clarity I’m on maternity with the baby.. do the food shopping and cooking, most of the cleaning, laundry and all our money stuff like mortgage, insurance, savings etc.

When ppl find out I don’t do babies bedtimes, when I get a lunch break, when dh gets kids ready for school my mum friends look at me in disbelief? When he postponed a night out until the baby sleeps better they looked aghast?! And when they find out Dh does some night wake ups they look like they have literally lost it?!
Most of them are breastfeeding and I know that’s slightly different but they have other kids but their husbands don’t seem to help as much… and I’ve literally had to justify my DH helping me before! (He works in IT so nothing too crazy if he’s tired).

Are other partners really that crap at helping out in general, or is it just the friends I have?! I reckon out of 5 or 6 of them only 1 couple has a similar dynamic.

I'm a father and I did this. It's just being a parent. I don't get dads who aren't involved in their children's lives.🤷‍♂️

DrMeredithGrey2023 · 14/03/2023 22:34

TBF, have one child with someone who turns out to be a lazy shit and it is bad luck. Go on to have more? That's just plain bloody stupid!

I know of someone who complained non stop about how useless her husband was when they had their first child. Then complained that he didn't want more children. Managed to talk him round. Then complained about how useless he was as a father of two.

Now she complains about how he is as an ex husband.

Onnabugeisha · 14/03/2023 22:34

Albiboba · 14/03/2023 22:30

I really don’t see it as luck. Anyone I know with a terrible partner had a terrible partner before and after kids.
Even here, most of the time these women admit they did most of the cleaning, food or life planning before kids but it didn’t bother them as much. Why anyone thinks a man who’s been pandered go for years will suddenly take on all this work he never did before is beyond me.

Show quote history

I have a different experience from you. Many women I know were let down awfully. They did not have a terrible partner before kids. In fact studies of DV often show that pregnancy/chilbirth is the start point when many men go from great partners to abusive. The same happens with laziness to many.

No, most of the time the women here who admit to doing majority of housework and childcare always say they were only doing it because they were not working/on maternity leave and it started out fair.

No woman is going to start a family with a terrible partner. How stupid do you think we are?

WimbyAce · 14/03/2023 22:36

At the end of the day a couple should be a team with or without children. If you aren't then what is the point? Can you ever imagine someone saying ah it's so nice how much Sue helps Dave with the kids?!