That people l think it’s crazy my DH helps so much!!

[Led9519]

Noticed a few times recently when I’ve spoken about my DC’s routines and how much DH helps that other mums look at me in disbelief?!
YABU- DH does too much
YANBU-DH involvement ok

The detail;
We have three DC’s, 5 years, 2 years, 5 months. I’m on maternity leave, dh works from home. I’m also exclusively expressing as dd3 ultimately refused to nurse and we want her to have breastmilk so that takes time.
DH;
gets the older two ready for school/childminder in the morning and out the door. I look after baby and express.

He takes the baby off me at lunchtime, I make our lunches up and express!

I cook and clean and pick the kids up in the afternoon. We have dinner together as a family. DH looks after the other two, I bath the baby. DH then does bedtime routine with baby and I get the other two ready for bed. When baby is asleep DH does one bedtime with another kid, I do the other.

As we are bottle feeding DH does baby night wake ups from 10-2am, I get up to express 1:30am and do baby night wake ups 2-6am. Whoever isn’t on baby duty does the other kids wake ups if necessary.

We’ve currently postponed evenings out so we can work as a team at bedtimes/nighttime until the kids are a bit older.
For clarity I’m on maternity with the baby.. do the food shopping and cooking, most of the cleaning, laundry and all our money stuff like mortgage, insurance, savings etc.

When ppl find out I don’t do babies bedtimes, when I get a lunch break, when dh gets kids ready for school my mum friends look at me in disbelief? When he postponed a night out until the baby sleeps better they looked aghast?! And when they find out Dh does some night wake ups they look like they have literally lost it?!
Most of them are breastfeeding and I know that’s slightly different but they have other kids but their husbands don’t seem to help as much… and I’ve literally had to justify my DH helping me before! (He works in IT so nothing too crazy if he’s tired).

Are other partners really that crap at helping out in general, or is it just the friends I have?! I reckon out of 5 or 6 of them only 1 couple has a similar dynamic.

That sounds like a very fair division of tasks, OP. That's great. Your DH does not do too much, he does his share.
YANBU, this is how it should be. But it seldom is, sadly. Personally I've really struggled with a fair division of tasks at home since DH and I became parents. How did you both come to such a fair and join approach to parenting? I'm still new to this but working towards the fair division you seem to have, so advice would be

*Really appreciated

Oops, clicked send before I'd finished writing

As I’ve said, don’t volunteer the information. It’ll come up in conversation (chatting night time wake ups, bedtime routine, how am I managing with the expressing etc) and then the other mums look at me like I’ve got two heads.

Sounds very similar to DH and I. We always took it in turns to do bedtimes, night feeds, dealing with ill children in the night, getting the children ready in the morning etc. Regardless of whether I was on maternity leave, working or not.

It's depressing that a man parenting his own children is seen as a novelty.

My ex-h really wanted children. He was rubbish with them until recent years. He made a rule that he didn't want to see them between 830 and 5. He took paternity leave for 6 months and spent it on the sofa reading books, watching movies and going to the gym. It drove me mad.

I think in OPs case, others are just a bit jealous because she has a functional relationship. He sounds like a rare kind of person. The bar is way too low for men.

and yes DH even starts questioning he’s doing too much when he finds out what other partners are doing.

So is your real issue that actually your partner does have a problem with it and it isn’t all rosey?

One thing I don’t think is fair is for him to ‘give you’ a lunch break every day of the week meaning he doesn’t get one any day. It’s fairer to split turn, particularly as you’re splitting nights.

No they flipping aren’t surprised. You clearly have it in your head that your DH is unusual doing his fair share, but in the real world it’s just normal! Dads do bedtimes and take kids for vaccines, you are just an average family that like to boast.

It 100% isn't the norm though.

It should be, but it's not.

I know mums that haven't had a lie in since their children were born. Who literally do not stop from school pick up til bedtime, whilst their partner sits on their arse, or goes out to one hobby or the other. Dad's that just get up in the morning, get themselves ready for work and then leave the house, not a care in the world.

There are plenty of half arsed dads out there, and plenty of women that put up with it.

Your husband pulling his weight as a parent is not 'helping you' and is in no way a stealth boast any more than him wiping his own arse is.

My only advice would be to have kids with someone who’s nice and reasonable!
But in general if you’re struggling … talk to them and chat practically about where you need help, give them the to do list, don’t just nag or blow up out of nowhere.

But I’ve come to realise it really depends on the bloke and the relationship. Don’t think there’s a magic wand if a partner won’t help :(.

Oh, don't even get me started about this! I was diagnosed with cancer when we had three kids under 6, I was then paralysed when they were 8, 6 and 3. People would pretty much outright tell me I was lucky he didn't leave me; let alone that I should be grateful how good he was looking after OUR children & OUR house. It drives me bonkers.

My DH did more, just sayin’
Obviously, the balance you have works for everyone in your family so crack on.

I do agree there is a culture of female martyrdom gives you bragging rights complete with a Mother Nature cult that has women and men believing only the mother can do parenting of babies/toddlers and to do otherwise would traumatise the baby/toddler.

Why are you posting? There's nothing vaguely unreasonable going on here at all, and you know it....well other than calling pulling your weight 'helping'.

I didn't do the housework on mat leave. Didn't want to get into any bad routines.

If anything, your DH should do more.

Sounds similar to what my husband and me did when kids were babies, however I didnt express...he was just doing his share, even though I technically could have done it (I didnt do the majority of house chores until the babies were older as well). And yes I get the 'you're so lucky' comments. And I am 'lucky' that I didnt have a child with a lazy selfish bastard...but so is he!

And we both stopped nights out when they were babies as it seemed impossible to get through the cluster feeding and witching hour with a baby at the same time as trying to put a toddler who needed a million wees and drinks and re-tucking back in, to sleep, and both of us knew if we went out we would have to cope with the bedtime routine alone the next time the other went out and it would have been hell! Do the mums that think their husbands would 'resent' them if they didn't go out, go out and leave the husbands as well?

I feel really sad that other mums are surprised at a man doing his fair share of parenting.

If their reactions are anything to go by then you have yourself a good one. My DH did very similar when DC were small. He does even more now that I'm disabled. Poor geezer never stops!

I always wonder what these people think mums who work full-time do. Getting kids to school, doing bedtime routine, doing night wakeups - all entirely normal for female working parents…….

Genuinely interested to hear from other women and their balance. Tbh when my friend are shocked I get confused because I don’t understand why you’d be in a relationship where one partner does everything and the other does hardly a thing? I was starting to think that was normal and we weren’t.

I have similar with my DH. I know I am very lucky. He does housework and puts washing away. We see it as teamwork. He works so hard as well. I really did win the jackpot as cheesy as that sounds. Couldn't ask for a better husband and father to our kids.

You think it’s cute but it’s actually just super depressing that you think you’re “very lucky” because shock horror your husband “does housework and puts away washing”.

Why do some women have such a low bar?

Love to hear another hubby doing good. We have a 13 and 2 yr old boys and 1 yr old twin girls. Hubby works full time from 6am-4pm 4 days a week. He gets home about 4.45 and jumps right into helping me finish making tea and then popping everyone into highchairs,bibs then feeding the youngest ones. Once we are done he does the dishes,hoovering,highchair cleaning,bottles made while I do baths for 3 youngest. Once we've done all that it's story times and then to spend time with out teen once 3 youngest are in bed...hubby will get up in the night if I need him especially if twins play up. He will change all nappies before he leaves for work at 5am so they sleep longer for me. Anyway isn't it wonderful when you can work together and it works well. And we also have done this sacrificed nights out. We have our happy routine right now and loving every minute of the little ones.

My OH (and obviously I) did not go out in the evening for 3 months when our second was born. It's a relatively short period of time and the kids needed a lot more time and attention in the later evening. He could still socialise in the day so neither of us were kept from our friends but that time helped us settle the little one into a routine which paid dividends later on and made the whole experience more fulfilling for everyone. It wouldn't work for everyone but it's really not a big ask in the context of 18 years of parenting a child. I don't consider that he went above and beyond with this. I was also ill after the birth for a good few weeks which probably elongated the time this was needed. I don't really give him credit as such for this - he was parenting. That's what he signed up for when we had kids. He also did the early night feeds and I did the early morning feeds. My son took an hour plus for each feed and had reflux so could vom it all up and we'd have to start again. I would not want to stay with a man who thought that was all my job (obviously not able to, medication meant I was unable to).

This sounds pretty normal to me - we share the load in my house

That’s a follow on from this thread right. It shouldn’t be lucky to find a man to get through the tough stuff with you.
But I do feel like I ‘lucked out.’

Nah it's just that most men are useless so the bar is low. My DH does all the cooking and cleaning and 50% of the childcare and pays for everything.

@Albiboba I do see myself as lucky as in my line of work I see day in, day out, mums struggle because their lazy husbands / partners don't help and it's all on them.

I never said I found it cute, I said I feel lucky.

We are a partnership.