That people l think it’s crazy my DH helps so much!!

[Led9519]

Noticed a few times recently when I’ve spoken about my DC’s routines and how much DH helps that other mums look at me in disbelief?!
YABU- DH does too much
YANBU-DH involvement ok

The detail;
We have three DC’s, 5 years, 2 years, 5 months. I’m on maternity leave, dh works from home. I’m also exclusively expressing as dd3 ultimately refused to nurse and we want her to have breastmilk so that takes time.
DH;
gets the older two ready for school/childminder in the morning and out the door. I look after baby and express.

He takes the baby off me at lunchtime, I make our lunches up and express!

I cook and clean and pick the kids up in the afternoon. We have dinner together as a family. DH looks after the other two, I bath the baby. DH then does bedtime routine with baby and I get the other two ready for bed. When baby is asleep DH does one bedtime with another kid, I do the other.

As we are bottle feeding DH does baby night wake ups from 10-2am, I get up to express 1:30am and do baby night wake ups 2-6am. Whoever isn’t on baby duty does the other kids wake ups if necessary.

We’ve currently postponed evenings out so we can work as a team at bedtimes/nighttime until the kids are a bit older.
For clarity I’m on maternity with the baby.. do the food shopping and cooking, most of the cleaning, laundry and all our money stuff like mortgage, insurance, savings etc.

When ppl find out I don’t do babies bedtimes, when I get a lunch break, when dh gets kids ready for school my mum friends look at me in disbelief? When he postponed a night out until the baby sleeps better they looked aghast?! And when they find out Dh does some night wake ups they look like they have literally lost it?!
Most of them are breastfeeding and I know that’s slightly different but they have other kids but their husbands don’t seem to help as much… and I’ve literally had to justify my DH helping me before! (He works in IT so nothing too crazy if he’s tired).

Are other partners really that crap at helping out in general, or is it just the friends I have?! I reckon out of 5 or 6 of them only 1 couple has a similar dynamic.

Set ups regarding housework etc will vary household to household though, surely?

I do the majority of laundry and deep cleaning, because I am at home (children at school) 2 days a week more that my DP is.

He cannot do those things when he isn't physically here to do them. And he's not here because he's working. I am happy to pick up the slack with the deep cleans and laundry, just like he's happy to pick up the financial slack that comes with me working part time.

The only way it can truly be absolutely 50/50 is if both parents work the same full time hours, and are therefore home and with the children an equal amount of time.

If someone works less, or not at all, the household work load is going to swing towards them a little.

My dc are adults.
I ebf them as babies however dh would always take the baby off me after a feed and settle them so I could go back to sleep. He still had to get up for work at 7 am but he cared about me getting my rest.
And this is the crux of it.
A dh may step up for a dc with a bad mum. However if the father can see his dc is being well cared for then sometimes he’ll leave it all to his dp.
Because he doesn’t cherish his dw.
My dh cherishes me, I am very lucky.

So when I go back to work we have a cleaner and the rest of the cleaning becomes 50/50, same with laundry. He doesn’t do the cooking in general but will if I can’t be bothered, and he will do the tidy up after I’ve made dinner so I don’t cook AND clean it’s one or the other.

For the nights out… in the day it’s fine. And we’ve both been out in the day with friends, DH doesn’t work Fridays so he’s arranged to meet his best friend (who’s freelance) and they’ll go play pool and have a few drinks in the day.

But last night for example baby and toddler both woke up about 10pm, if I was on my own would struggle and if I hadn’t expressed in the evening and baby woke up I’d have no milk to calm her down with anyway. Just seems tricky at the moment and neither of us are that fussed for now. We’re too tired tbh!

One of my friends is a 11+ teacher, her husband is a freelance graphic designer. He got a job that would go into the evenings when she’s teaching and he looks after their 3 year old. So he told her to cancel her pupils that evening so she could do the childcare instead. He insisted it was the best because his freelance job pays more BUT they don’t share finances, they go 50/50 on all the bills and whatever’s left they keep for themselves.
So she asked him to compensate her for dropping a pupil, he said no if he had to pay her fee out of his wages it wouldn’t be worth taking the job. Effectively he sees himself as doing her a favour by looking after his kids when she’s teaching. I don’t get it, they’re both in their 30’s, university educated etc. She said she feels bad because he gets frustrated when he’s not the ‘provider’. Wtf? And if she isn’t seeing any of the extra money anyway what is he providing? (Turned out not to be a regular gig anyway)! I often see similar stories on here and I guess they’re getting posted because they are unreasonable rather than normal?!

My school friends are a lot more balanced but maybe I’ve moved into an area of London that’s a time warp!

Why are you boasting about a normal set up? If anything you have a raw deal here having to be on call from 2am. Have you discussed this with your husband ?

Btw don’t get me started on the partners who suddenly take up long distance running or a cycling habit and leave the women at home at weekends looking after all the kids. But hey… wouldn’t want him to get ‘resentful’ would we 🙈.

Obviously have more of an issue with this than I thought but when I see stressed and exhausted friends getting no support, or men lauded and praised for being “hands on” I really just think we have such a long way to go still until women get the support and respect they need to be equal.

I don’t think it’s that unusual. Certainly the usual with my friendship group. We have an 18m old. Both work full time. I do drop offs, he does pick ups. We have a cleaner, he does more laundry than me, I cook, he clears up, and he does all the bedtimes (unless he’s out). I probably have more nights out as my friends are more local.

It sounds pretty normal. Unless 'DH' actually stands for dear housemate, then your also "helping" him by nourishing and looking after his children. Or you just both parents

Why do you think I’m boasting?

I’m just describing my set up and saying every time my mum friends hear a detail they all seem to think I’m getting a lot of ‘help’. Surely my set up is normal, which doesn’t make this a boast does it?

Reading this, it sounds like people whose partners don't pull their weight are envious or are upset by their own situations, so pretend you're boasting in order to deflect their discomfort.

My dh does shit loads.

I‘m a sahm, two youngest are 2 and 8.

He works from home but does the school run for our middle child as he loves the chatter with 8 year old dd on the walks. It’s their time to go though times tables and science stuff (they both love that). He says it’s also his fresh air for the day as he WFH.

When the two youngest were little, he would get up and get the milk in the night, I would feed them (co slept so they were next to me). Any bad nights with babies, he would do everything with older child in the morning getting them ready quietly and out to school so me and baby could continue sleeping. Really bad nights with the youngest of which there are still many, he would get up at 4am for the day so I could sleep a few hours until he started work.

He does the shopping, most of the cooking because he’s an excellent cook and really enjoys it.

We both clean and do washing when it just needs doing. If he sees washing up and he’s free, he will do it, same with everything else in the house just as I do. At night, I will take the 2 year old for a bath and he will blitz the downstairs, wash up from dinner and vacuum etc while I do that.

I don’t do the “mental load” thing. We both take responsibility for things that need to be done for the house and children, both do birthday/Christmas stuff (although I hate christmas and he loves it so apart from choosing presents for the children together, that’s all him).

I couldn’t imagine living with another adult who didn’t do that though to be fair. We are both parents to these children and both have responsibility for a home.