That people l think it’s crazy my DH helps so much!!

[Led9519]

Noticed a few times recently when I’ve spoken about my DC’s routines and how much DH helps that other mums look at me in disbelief?!
YABU- DH does too much
YANBU-DH involvement ok

The detail;
We have three DC’s, 5 years, 2 years, 5 months. I’m on maternity leave, dh works from home. I’m also exclusively expressing as dd3 ultimately refused to nurse and we want her to have breastmilk so that takes time.
DH;
gets the older two ready for school/childminder in the morning and out the door. I look after baby and express.

He takes the baby off me at lunchtime, I make our lunches up and express!

I cook and clean and pick the kids up in the afternoon. We have dinner together as a family. DH looks after the other two, I bath the baby. DH then does bedtime routine with baby and I get the other two ready for bed. When baby is asleep DH does one bedtime with another kid, I do the other.

As we are bottle feeding DH does baby night wake ups from 10-2am, I get up to express 1:30am and do baby night wake ups 2-6am. Whoever isn’t on baby duty does the other kids wake ups if necessary.

We’ve currently postponed evenings out so we can work as a team at bedtimes/nighttime until the kids are a bit older.
For clarity I’m on maternity with the baby.. do the food shopping and cooking, most of the cleaning, laundry and all our money stuff like mortgage, insurance, savings etc.

When ppl find out I don’t do babies bedtimes, when I get a lunch break, when dh gets kids ready for school my mum friends look at me in disbelief? When he postponed a night out until the baby sleeps better they looked aghast?! And when they find out Dh does some night wake ups they look like they have literally lost it?!
Most of them are breastfeeding and I know that’s slightly different but they have other kids but their husbands don’t seem to help as much… and I’ve literally had to justify my DH helping me before! (He works in IT so nothing too crazy if he’s tired).

Are other partners really that crap at helping out in general, or is it just the friends I have?! I reckon out of 5 or 6 of them only 1 couple has a similar dynamic.

Nobody here asked though, totally boasting!

My dh did all the night feeds with all three of our children even though he was going out to work at 6am. His theory was I do it all alone all day the lest he can do is his bit during the evening and that actually it was his bonding bit too. He did the whole bath and bed plus night feeds / nappies.

I do not function well in broken sleep.

I am in my 60s and my dad got us out for school each morning. Had our breakfast cooked and my dm stayed resting as she had toddlers to take care of once he began his working days. He also supervised bedtime although it was quicker in those days as we were pretty well trained to pop off quickly. We had a lot of children!!
I think people have to stop fussing about men taking care of their own children.

Why do you describe it as 'helping' when it's just... standard parenting?

You have a good balance between you that works well and your kids will benefit from time spent with both of you.

Agree with everyone else that it's not him "helping" though, it's just being a good parent, which it sounds like you both are.

My DH did/does similar (if not more as he does the cooking too) and yes, people would say how ‘lucky’ I was that he pulled his weight and would tell me how easy I had it. FIL in particular used to like telling me how much DH does and how lucky I should consider myself!

Man parents his own children;quick alert the newspapers.

You get this reaction because the bar is set so low for men even in this day and age.

And I hate the men who seem to think a woman should be grateful because he "does more than his friends";his friends are lazy A-holes who are an embarrassment.

No… just hamming it up for a mumsnet post. I don’t talk like that in real life. I tell them what he does I don’t say “why do you look aghast?” When my mate was so shocked about the night out thing I literally just looked confused for about 5 minutes.

It is like they’re resigned to some sort of martyrdom.

I wonder if the difference is men who had children because their partners wanted children vs men who actually wanted children.

Ooooh, interesting point

Your situation sounds completely reasonable. Small children take every second of time. It's a two-person job to run a house and deal with small children, including a baby and a toddler.

It is depressing but yes, it's completely normal for many fathers to do zero or to take care of insignificant tasks and then expect a gold medal. It's because your friends and their mothers and other women put up with it that it continues.

Don't relax your expectations. It'll be good for your health and happiness, the kids' happiness and stability, and your husband (who will know that he is making a valuable contribution to the family and will have a happier family as a result) for your husband to be involved.

Also while I’m on this topic… nurses surprised when he takes baby for vaccinations (me and baby had to
go back into hospital day 5 because of her nursing refusal and her induction took 5 ruddy days in the first place 5 so I told him all the vaccines are his thanks!) and yes DH even starts questioning he’s doing too much when he finds out what other partners are doing.

Anyway rant over, it’s mad though in this day and age!

Yes I agree.
My friends the other day were so impressed that my husband bought his Mum a mother's day card a week in advance, rather than me doing it or him doing it the night before. Why the hell would I do it? It's his mum not mine!

Similarly when he once made a dish to bring to a BBQ, rather than me making it, everyone was fawning over how amazing he was. If I had made the same thing I'm pretty sure it would have just been added to the table with no comment.

I think your friends are just jealous because your relationship works the way that everyone's should. Teamwork gets the job done.

I'm honestly surprised you're managing to do as much as you are if you are exclusively expressing. That is a full time job in itself.

Yes I love the “lucky” comments.
you’re so lucky he does the kids bedtimes, you’re so lucky he gets up in the night.

Is he lucky when I do it?

No they flipping aren’t surprised. You clearly have it in your head that your DH is unusual doing his fair share, but in the real world it’s just normal! Dads do bedtimes and take kids for vaccines, you are just an average family that like to boast.

My ex husband did all this stuff when we had babies/young children. It isn't "helping": it's being a parent. It wouldn't have crossed either of our minds to go out in the evening while they were small. He only became a truly awful (abusive) husband and father once they were older. So I wouldn't count any chickens yet, feel glad that this all works for you and your family, and hope that it continues to do so. There's no need to discuss it unduly with anyone else.

I’ve got a good routine;

breakfast pump dh gets kids ready
mid morning pump, baby in bouncer doing bbc baby club, I sing my head off whilst pumping.
lunch time pump, dh covers.
4pm pump, sing along to sing and sign dvd or mr tumble nursery rhymes.
9pm pump, kids generally asleep.
1:30am pump, dh on duty.

I obviously feckin hate it though! But it is good she’ll take a bottle!

If it’s completely normal why would anyone consider it boasting when OP mentions it?

That’s true, of course I’m perfectly prepared to leave if he starts treating me like poop and he knows it!

It's strange in terms of mumsnet but really lots of men actually enjoy being dad and caring for their children.

I think it's amazing. Other people are just jealous. Carry on , great teamwork

Yeah again dh does 99% of any hospital trips because he drives I don’t. No point him taking time off or leaving work to just drop us off he might as well go with which ever child’s been sent home from school with a possible broken finger 🤦🏻‍♀️😅 to sit in a&e for 7 hours. Same as in school learning activities when the youngest was still a toddler it again made more sense that he attend rather than took time off just to watch the toddler so I could go in for story time or whatever.

Basic parenting.

Because the OP appears to be labouring under the delusion that she has an unusually ‘helpful’ husband.