Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That people l think it’s crazy my DH helps so much!!

185 replies

Led9519 · 14/03/2023 21:24

Noticed a few times recently when I’ve spoken about my DC’s routines and how much DH helps that other mums look at me in disbelief?!
YABU- DH does too much
YANBU-DH involvement ok

The detail;
We have three DC’s, 5 years, 2 years, 5 months. I’m on maternity leave, dh works from home. I’m also exclusively expressing as dd3 ultimately refused to nurse and we want her to have breastmilk so that takes time.
DH;
gets the older two ready for school/childminder in the morning and out the door. I look after baby and express.

He takes the baby off me at lunchtime, I make our lunches up and express!

I cook and clean and pick the kids up in the afternoon. We have dinner together as a family. DH looks after the other two, I bath the baby. DH then does bedtime routine with baby and I get the other two ready for bed. When baby is asleep DH does one bedtime with another kid, I do the other.

As we are bottle feeding DH does baby night wake ups from 10-2am, I get up to express 1:30am and do baby night wake ups 2-6am. Whoever isn’t on baby duty does the other kids wake ups if necessary.

We’ve currently postponed evenings out so we can work as a team at bedtimes/nighttime until the kids are a bit older.
For clarity I’m on maternity with the baby.. do the food shopping and cooking, most of the cleaning, laundry and all our money stuff like mortgage, insurance, savings etc.

When ppl find out I don’t do babies bedtimes, when I get a lunch break, when dh gets kids ready for school my mum friends look at me in disbelief? When he postponed a night out until the baby sleeps better they looked aghast?! And when they find out Dh does some night wake ups they look like they have literally lost it?!
Most of them are breastfeeding and I know that’s slightly different but they have other kids but their husbands don’t seem to help as much… and I’ve literally had to justify my DH helping me before! (He works in IT so nothing too crazy if he’s tired).

Are other partners really that crap at helping out in general, or is it just the friends I have?! I reckon out of 5 or 6 of them only 1 couple has a similar dynamic.

OP posts:
Emotionalstorm · 14/03/2023 22:09

He also looks after me when I'm ill which happens a lot because I have a chronic condition.

Centraljerk · 14/03/2023 22:09

I think it depends what is normal in your circle. I read an article about a gay dad who said the same about nurses being surprised about him taking the kid to medical appointments and thought “really? It’s not the 1980s”. In my circle that kind of thing is completely normal.

Merryoldgoat · 14/03/2023 22:11

Normal for me and most of my good friends, not normal for most people I know.

My DH is similar and has been from day 1.

PhukOph · 14/03/2023 22:12

My DH was like this, the only thing I didn't let him do was night get ups. I took the hit on them as he was working and I could grab occasional sleep in the day with baby.

CuriousMama · 14/03/2023 22:12

Ffsmakeitstop · 14/03/2023 21:46

I think your friends are just jealous because your relationship works the way that everyone's should. Teamwork gets the job done.

This. My exdh was great at helping and had a stressful job. We're still friends btw just no married. My dh now does allsorts for me.

I agree with the bar being low.

It's good you're seeing friends though OP. Just change the subject or say "well we can't be all the same" or something else? It's non of their business.

Abouttimemum · 14/03/2023 22:13

We only have one but DH and I parent and look after the house equally. I am often aghast when I hear how utterly useless some blokes are, or are allowed to be in some cases.

Shesinthegym · 14/03/2023 22:13

Sorry to bust your bubble but I don’t think you dh is doing enough!
If you break it down he’s actually only putting a baby to bed. Getting dc dressed in the morning (probably only weekdays I assume) and some night feeds (2 at the most). That is not 50% of parenting or running a home. He does not cooking, shopping, cleaning, sorting bills etc or mental load. Yes he’s working but so are you.?

Tessabelle74 · 14/03/2023 22:15

Sounds bloody idyllic to me! Well done to you both in your excellent teamwork!

Onnabugeisha · 14/03/2023 22:16

Albiboba · 14/03/2023 22:06

You think it’s cute but it’s actually just super depressing that you think you’re “very lucky” because shock horror your husband “does housework and puts away washing”.

Why do some women have such a low bar?

Show quote history

It is luck though. You take a leap of faith with a man when you decide to start a family together. There’s no amount of quizzing and fortune telling that can predict if your Nigel is a good egg or a lazy bastard. Past behaviour is not a reliable indicator of future behaviour.

Women trust their partner and then when the babies arrive they are let down. They don’t have low bars, they are stuck because unless the man does very little to nothing, they know it will be harder to do 100% as a single mum than it is doing the 51%-85% they are trapped into doing now.

Im not sure it’s any more depressing than other issues whereby partners let down or betray each other.

PhukOph · 14/03/2023 22:18

@Onnabugeisha it's definitely not luck! You know whether you're with a lazy bastard or not! And if you choose to have kids with him that's the chance you take.

ThreeRingCircus · 14/03/2023 22:19

I am often aghast when I hear how utterly useless some blokes are, or are allowed to be in some cases.

Anecdotally, when I speak to my friends in these situations.... it's that they've been allowed to be useless. One of my friends says she hadn't had a lie in since her DS was born.... he's now 7! She says it's because her DH "doesn't hear him in the night or when he wakes up in the morning." When I ask why she hasn't woken her DH up and asked him to sort out their son she says it's not worth it/it's easier for her to do it. I've actually lost sympathy for her as it smacks of martyrdom.

SarahAndQuack · 14/03/2023 22:21

No they flipping aren’t surprised. You clearly have it in your head that your DH is unusual doing his fair share, but in the real world it’s just normal! Dads do bedtimes and take kids for vaccines, you are just an average family that like to boast.

But, this isn't really true, is it? It's clear there are many situations where dads don't step up. They should, but they don't.

Original poster
Led9519 · 14/03/2023 22:22

Shesinthegym · 14/03/2023 22:13

Sorry to bust your bubble but I don’t think you dh is doing enough!
If you break it down he’s actually only putting a baby to bed. Getting dc dressed in the morning (probably only weekdays I assume) and some night feeds (2 at the most). That is not 50% of parenting or running a home. He does not cooking, shopping, cleaning, sorting bills etc or mental load. Yes he’s working but so are you.?

I agree he could do more. He’s terrible at anything that needs admin. I’ve been sorting out kids passports, house insurance for a leak on our drive and warranty to replace a window…. I honestly think it’s because his Mum just would get involved and do this type of stuff for him. When we moved into our house she dealt with his estate agents to end his tenancy, sort an end of tenancy clean etc… why? She’d also buy Christmas presents on his behalf for the family.
I don’t know who she thinks she’s helping when she does things for him like that. And I end up picking up a lot of the admin slack.
The balance tends to be DH does anything diy/garden. So he built some flat pack stuff the other day, pressure washed our patio and restained our decking for example.
I wouldn’t say we have the balance completely right but I seem to find myself in a position where he does more that the other partners I know.

And MIL is a different thread…..

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 14/03/2023 22:22

SarahAndQuack · 14/03/2023 22:21

No they flipping aren’t surprised. You clearly have it in your head that your DH is unusual doing his fair share, but in the real world it’s just normal! Dads do bedtimes and take kids for vaccines, you are just an average family that like to boast.

But, this isn't really true, is it? It's clear there are many situations where dads don't step up. They should, but they don't.

So you don’t think any dads do bedtimes or take kids to appointments? Really?

5128gap · 14/03/2023 22:22

Put it this way...
Your H has three young children. He gets two of them ready in the morning then goes to work in the clothes that have been laundered for him.
At lunch time he holds his baby for a bit then eats the lunch that's been prepared for him.
After work he plays with his children then eats the dinner cooked for him, then puts one child to bed, and is handed his freshly bathed baby to put to bed.
He may be disturbed up until 2am, but then is free to sleep for the next 5 or so hours straight. In his bed with sheets laundered for him, in the house that's been cleaned and tidied for him, and safe in the knowledge the mortgage payments have been organised and everything has been insured.
And, the lucky one is....?

SarahAndQuack · 14/03/2023 22:22

PhukOph · 14/03/2023 22:18

@Onnabugeisha it's definitely not luck! You know whether you're with a lazy bastard or not! And if you choose to have kids with him that's the chance you take.

I don't think you can know. Obviously, at the extremes there are signs - but in the middle ground, no.

SarahAndQuack · 14/03/2023 22:23

5128gap · 14/03/2023 22:22

Put it this way...
Your H has three young children. He gets two of them ready in the morning then goes to work in the clothes that have been laundered for him.
At lunch time he holds his baby for a bit then eats the lunch that's been prepared for him.
After work he plays with his children then eats the dinner cooked for him, then puts one child to bed, and is handed his freshly bathed baby to put to bed.
He may be disturbed up until 2am, but then is free to sleep for the next 5 or so hours straight. In his bed with sheets laundered for him, in the house that's been cleaned and tidied for him, and safe in the knowledge the mortgage payments have been organised and everything has been insured.
And, the lucky one is....?

Such a great post.

Onnabugeisha · 14/03/2023 22:24

PhukOph · 14/03/2023 22:18

@Onnabugeisha it's definitely not luck! You know whether you're with a lazy bastard or not! And if you choose to have kids with him that's the chance you take.

Nice victim blaming. So it’s women’s fault for choosing to have a baby with a lazy bastard?

I know this doesn’t happen by choice at all. You sound incredibly naive if you think women can tell in advance of having children what sort of father their partner is really going to be.

It’s well established in psychological studies that what people say and think they would do in any situation often doesn’t match what they actually end up doing in that situation.

Justalittlebitduckling · 14/03/2023 22:24

My DH doesn’t work from home and we only have one kid but the load sharing their sounds similar to me.

Helpmethanks · 14/03/2023 22:24

It’s how it should be but for many it isn’t

My STBX didn’t do his fair share

I pushed for him to do this

He ran off with a younger woman leaving me with all the parenting

She has now just had a baby with him but will probably put up with him doing nothing as he was her boss at work & she’s used to doing what he says plus she likes the fact she won’t have to work again (he’s got many promotions and earns a lot of money now)

Justalittlebitduckling · 14/03/2023 22:25

5128gap · 14/03/2023 22:22

Put it this way...
Your H has three young children. He gets two of them ready in the morning then goes to work in the clothes that have been laundered for him.
At lunch time he holds his baby for a bit then eats the lunch that's been prepared for him.
After work he plays with his children then eats the dinner cooked for him, then puts one child to bed, and is handed his freshly bathed baby to put to bed.
He may be disturbed up until 2am, but then is free to sleep for the next 5 or so hours straight. In his bed with sheets laundered for him, in the house that's been cleaned and tidied for him, and safe in the knowledge the mortgage payments have been organised and everything has been insured.
And, the lucky one is....?

❤️

creekingmillenial · 14/03/2023 22:25

My DH is the same and I’ve had similar reactions. YABU it’s how things should be but sadly often aren’t for many women.

Coffeellama · 14/03/2023 22:25

Onnabugeisha · 14/03/2023 22:24

Nice victim blaming. So it’s women’s fault for choosing to have a baby with a lazy bastard?

I know this doesn’t happen by choice at all. You sound incredibly naive if you think women can tell in advance of having children what sort of father their partner is really going to be.

It’s well established in psychological studies that what people say and think they would do in any situation often doesn’t match what they actually end up doing in that situation.

Show quote history

A woman who has a child with a lazy man is not a ‘victim’, there is no ‘victim blaming’. That saying is getting as over used as gas lighting on mumsnet.

Onnabugeisha · 14/03/2023 22:25

SarahAndQuack · 14/03/2023 22:22

I don't think you can know. Obviously, at the extremes there are signs - but in the middle ground, no.

Show quote history

Exactly, for the vast majority- there is no way to know with any certainty. A few outliers you might be able to have an 80% probability of guessing correctly. But it’s always a gamble.

Isuppose · 14/03/2023 22:25

My DH did more tbh as in he did what your DH does along with cooking dinner every night (he still cooks most night), doing the house admin stuff and getting up to see to eldest child (who is far too old to wake frequently at night but still does). But......his idea of sorting birthday gifts is to fly to a shop on the morning of a birthday, he seems to have a complete red card when anything has to be done about school and their endless emails, he doesn't book holidays or any events and he takes half a day to clean the bathrooms. I find he does practical day to day things but I take on the mental load of the kid's problems and worry. I'd prefer him to do some of that and me to do some of the cooking but it won't happen.