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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That people l think it’s crazy my DH helps so much!!

185 replies

Led9519 · 14/03/2023 21:24

Noticed a few times recently when I’ve spoken about my DC’s routines and how much DH helps that other mums look at me in disbelief?!
YABU- DH does too much
YANBU-DH involvement ok

The detail;
We have three DC’s, 5 years, 2 years, 5 months. I’m on maternity leave, dh works from home. I’m also exclusively expressing as dd3 ultimately refused to nurse and we want her to have breastmilk so that takes time.
DH;
gets the older two ready for school/childminder in the morning and out the door. I look after baby and express.

He takes the baby off me at lunchtime, I make our lunches up and express!

I cook and clean and pick the kids up in the afternoon. We have dinner together as a family. DH looks after the other two, I bath the baby. DH then does bedtime routine with baby and I get the other two ready for bed. When baby is asleep DH does one bedtime with another kid, I do the other.

As we are bottle feeding DH does baby night wake ups from 10-2am, I get up to express 1:30am and do baby night wake ups 2-6am. Whoever isn’t on baby duty does the other kids wake ups if necessary.

We’ve currently postponed evenings out so we can work as a team at bedtimes/nighttime until the kids are a bit older.
For clarity I’m on maternity with the baby.. do the food shopping and cooking, most of the cleaning, laundry and all our money stuff like mortgage, insurance, savings etc.

When ppl find out I don’t do babies bedtimes, when I get a lunch break, when dh gets kids ready for school my mum friends look at me in disbelief? When he postponed a night out until the baby sleeps better they looked aghast?! And when they find out Dh does some night wake ups they look like they have literally lost it?!
Most of them are breastfeeding and I know that’s slightly different but they have other kids but their husbands don’t seem to help as much… and I’ve literally had to justify my DH helping me before! (He works in IT so nothing too crazy if he’s tired).

Are other partners really that crap at helping out in general, or is it just the friends I have?! I reckon out of 5 or 6 of them only 1 couple has a similar dynamic.

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 14/03/2023 23:31

SarahAndQuack · 14/03/2023 23:22

Any means any single, though. You said 'any', which means 'any one' or 'any individual'. A single individual cannot represent the norm. This is just a basic observation of what those words mean.

Show quote history

I did start typing out a full response but I’m bored and clearly wasting my time trying to reason with you. Google it though, any means ‘one or some’ not ‘any individual’ or whatever other crap you feel like making up. Enjoy your evening.

pinkthree · 14/03/2023 23:49

My DP does his fair share and I have one friend which somewhat takes the piss out of him for it and makes snide comments

Her partner is a complete waste of space but she stays with him so I think she puts my partner down to feel better about her situation

Stressedafff · 14/03/2023 23:57

The bar for men is so low it’s literally in Hades. It’s so sad that this level of equal parenting isn’t the norm

SleepingStandingUp · 15/03/2023 00:02

Led9519 · 14/03/2023 22:04

Genuinely interested to hear from other women and their balance. Tbh when my friend are shocked I get confused because I don’t understand why you’d be in a relationship where one partner does everything and the other does hardly a thing? I was starting to think that was normal and we weren’t.

Show quote history

Week many women don't realise their husbands aren't individually parents until they're kids involved and then it's much harder to just pack up and walk out when you've got a newborn!

But to answer, no it's not unusual, he's doing a fair share of parenting. But, given my first paragraph, not every woman has the same experience. Outside of work, DH parents equally. It's called being a grown up. Unfortunately not all parents act like grownups.

Schmutter · 15/03/2023 00:05

Sounds pretty normal. I think most couples I know divide stuff in a similar manner.

Your friends must have pretty low bars, OP.

Agapornis · 15/03/2023 00:06

Led9519 · 14/03/2023 22:33

Yes all of this.
christmas presents
birthday presents
kids clothes
kids uniform
kids new shoes
kids clubs- dance/swimming etc
childcare admin
childcare account and payment
organise holidays
pack for holidays
etc etc.

When he’s tried to do these things he’ll always do something daft/wrong though. its just not his strengths so it’s up to me.

Show quote history

"just not his strengths" - is he this strategically incompetent at work? Surely he needs to plan ahead in IT? If he can do it there, he can do it at home.

I wouldn't be happy with him doing 0% of the mental load. Are you still going to be doing all of the following when you return to work after mat leave? I bloody hope not:
"Do the food shopping and cooking, most of the cleaning, laundry and all our money stuff like mortgage, insurance, savings etc."

whatthebejesus · 15/03/2023 00:09

I expressed with both of my kids. DH worked away a fair amount but when he was here he got up every night he was around and did his share of the night feeds and changes and wake ups. He made me a cup of tea in a hot flask every morning before he left and sometimes made me sandwiches too and out then in the fridge.

We shared everything with both kids. Now if he was as good at the housework....! Can't have it all 😂.

Your husband sounds like a goodun.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/03/2023 00:13

SarahAndQuack · 14/03/2023 23:22

Any means any single, though. You said 'any', which means 'any one' or 'any individual'. A single individual cannot represent the norm. This is just a basic observation of what those words mean.

Show quote history

No, any doesn't mean one. One means one. Or only. Any literally means one or more.

Do you want any sugar in that?
3 please?

Did you get any sex after the baby came?
Twice a year, our birthdays

Do any Dad's change nappies?
Some do

Simonjt · 15/03/2023 06:01

Centraljerk · 14/03/2023 22:09

I think it depends what is normal in your circle. I read an article about a gay dad who said the same about nurses being surprised about him taking the kid to medical appointments and thought “really? It’s not the 1980s”. In my circle that kind of thing is completely normal.

You get all sorts of weird things when some people find out you’re two Dads. We’ve had school mums offer to organise world book day outfits etc, people ask how we feed ourselves, how we book holidays, organise dentist appointments. I once had a MNer say they felt sorry for whoever I employed to do the wife work… People assuming these things is worse when you consider why they’re saying them. Sadly they wouldn’t say it to another mum because often these sort of people think a mum not doing 100% of everything is a crap mum.

Sartre · 15/03/2023 06:11

As someone else said, this is parenting not helping. No idea why people think Dad’s shouldn’t have equal responsibility for children they created.

Phoebo · 15/03/2023 06:26

Well if you've committed to have 3 then I'd assume he'd to his share or else you'd be mad? 🤷‍♀️

mickandrorty · 15/03/2023 06:51

Its normal here but i know my husband works with someone who wont even change a nappy!

smellyflowers · 15/03/2023 06:52

You are part of the problem by calling it "helping" though

Sunriseinwonderland · 15/03/2023 06:54

"Helping". You mean he's an adult who takes responsibility for his children and home.

EmmaDilemma5 · 15/03/2023 06:57

My partner did similar.

tootiredtospeak · 15/03/2023 06:57

He is doing his share and it's great. Raise it with your family these are his children. He isnt doing you a favour your a parenting team. My DP is and was exactly the same used to drive me spare how much congratulations he got for it. Sadly instead of challenging the females that did it I got internally pissee with him about it which was stupid

PopsicleHustler · 15/03/2023 07:13

I don't think you sound like you're boasting, op. I think you're just stating your routine and asking for opinions etc. Your set up seems fine and your hubby is doing what a dad should do.

My mother told me my husband doesnt do enough because he doesn't do housework. We have 6 children and he has 3 jobs working in NHS and I.t. he works hard for all of us. She was surprised that when he gets in from work he doesnt immediately start cleaning. The man just did a night shift and needs a few hours kip before starting his work from home online job. Then he has a few hours kip again in the afternoon before doing more online work and then leaving again for night shift. Hes a hard worker and he enjoys it.
Fwiw, my dad only worked part time because he was her carer due to her mental health and my dad did loads round the house, both cooking and cleaning and DIY and garden work. I explained to her, I am not going to leave the house a mess for him to clean when he comes back from work after working nights and best part of the day. He has a long day, working and managing his jobs around family life also.
Instead, he loads the wash at night and cleans the bathroom up before work at night, and sorts the children bedtime routine out. That's pretty much it. He is a very attentive father and is good at story times, tucking the kids in, making sure they're settled and so on.
Myself and the eldest children do the cleaning. They chip in with chores and earn their pocket money, gaming & ipad time and treats in the weekend. Then my mother complains my kids do too much, so we cant win. I think teenagers and pre teens should do cleaning. And younger children can chip in with what suits their age. We have a great routine where the eldest brother washes up, the eldest sister scrapes the plates in the bin and the middle brother dust pan and brushes the floor and I wash down the worktops and cooker and tiles. Then in the lounge one hoovers and does general tidying, I sort the toy storage corner, one tidies away books, and then I polish and sort out the sofa cushions. It works for us and if your situation with your hubby works, then good for you.

CaptainMum · 15/03/2023 07:21

It sounds like a normal split of roles. The only odd part (to me) is that you don't support each other in going out for the evening. We both had sports treats and hobbies to get back to.

NatMoz · 15/03/2023 07:22

I only have one child but it's 50/50 in our house!

JustDanceAddict · 15/03/2023 07:24

My dh was similar - didn’t even wfh but was was made redundant shortly after DC2 birth which actually worked out in our favour as he got a good pay off and was around for a few months. Even now w grown up DC he still does house ‘stuff’ - I do the majority cos ge works v f/t and I work p/t mainly from home (but have some ongoing health issues which can be exacerbated by moving in certain ways).
From what my late DM told me, my dad was the same - he changed nappies in the mid 70s ffs and did some food shopping and housework - maybe I just knew I could never be with a man who didn’t pull his weight?

JustDanceAddict · 15/03/2023 07:26

Ps: we always went out, not as a couple until DC1 was 5 months old but I still managed cinema at 2 months after birth inbetween bf times!!

iratepirate · 15/03/2023 07:35

I don’t think there’s anything unusual about your set up. I don’t know any couples where both parents don’t share parenting and housework, admin etc.

I’m with the posters who say your friends have particularly low bars, which is a shame for them.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 15/03/2023 07:41

My DP also parents our DC and does as much a round the home as me - sometimes more even though he has the big job and I’m part time. He picks up some of the mental load.

I get told I’m lucky. I reply I chose to have DC with a man who isn’t an arsehole. Most of my friends have husbands/partners like mine though.

On MN I think the bar is very often too low regarding men completing domestic duties.

Itsmyturnnow1 · 15/03/2023 07:43

He’s doing his fair share and my Dh was the same.. totally normal. Some men don’t help at all hence your friends being shocked. You’re both parents and just because you’re on maternity leave, you still “work” having a baby breast feeding is hard work!

ooheeoohahahtingtangwallawallabingbang · 15/03/2023 07:45

No disrespect but he's not doing much at all!! Hid day goes like this.....

Gets 2 children ready in the morning
Works
Plays with baby on lunch
Works
Eats his dinner
Plays with the kids
Settles his baby to sleep
Settles 1 other child to sleep

He does no cooking, cleaning, laundry, admin, bath times. Apart from the things in that list that are for himself, it sounds like around 1.5 hours of supervising his kids per day. And that's it. I cant believe your friends think he's doing all kinds. They are probably just most shocked that he's postponed evenings out which is why you're getting the reaction that you are.