Do I have to accept that it is in fact me that’s the issue?

[MumsTheIssue]

DC is 8, Y4. This has been going on since Y2.

Perfect at school, no behaviour issues at all, no issues with academics, small but close group of friends. Quite quiet but will speak when spoken to and in the last few months growing in confidence. Eats fine.

ExH says they’re perfect there, quiet but easy going and will chat when wants to. Eats fine.

At home they’re the complete opposite:

• Violence aimed at me, repeatedly no matter what I do they keep going for up to 3 hours – if I ignore it carries on, if I try and tell them off it carries on, if I change rooms they follow me, if I put them into a different room they laugh and come back, if I talk to them they laugh and carry on

• Will not eat unless it's on a specific plate or bowl

• Does not respond to praise

• Does not respond to being given an instruction such as “Can you tidy up your toys please?” if I repeat it more firmly “Tidy up toys please” they still ignore me – if I take all their toys away they just shrug, if I stop screen time (they can earn 4 hours to be used at the weekend) they just shrug, if I stop them going to parties/activities etc. they just shrug and say they don’t care.

• I literally cannot punish them as they just don’t care. They won’t stay in timeout/a spot if they’re being violent towards me, I have tried returning them but they just laugh and think it’s a game

• Tells me they hate me regularly and they are going to live with their dad as soon as they’re old enough (they see him EOWend for 1 night only, never for school runs or appointments or anything else “boring”) but only when in a violent rage, when calm they say the love me a lot but never that they want to live with me, but they also don't say they want to live with ExH either

• School refuses – we’re regularly late for school but as soon as we’re there it’s like a lightbulb and they’re suddenly all sweetness and light

• Will not go to sleep – returning them to bed is a game again, they then fall asleep in class

What I’ve tried:

• A meeting with school for repeated lateness and falling asleep in class – they blamed me, told me to get DC up earlier (I can’t get them up any earlier, we’re already up at 6am, and they go to bed at 7.30pm) and said I needed to be “More persistent” with returning them to bed, even though DC told them it’s a fun game. They’ve told me they’ll refer it to Social Services if it keeps happening. I asked for a CAMHS referral to rule out SN and was told that DC doesn’t meet the criteria

• Took them to a private GP to rule out a medical cause – got brushed off and told it’s schools problem without them even checking DCs ears or any kind of examination - yes I demanded my money back, I was expecting at least a basic examination so I know that DC is healthy, I wasn’t demanding to the GP, I just expected a check of the ears, throat, chest (maybe nose), and maybe a basic urine test – my grandparents paid for this and where willing to pay for anything above that if the GP felt it necessary but I wasn’t even given any advice just told it’s behavioural and schools problem

• Spoke to someone for a private diagnosis of SN and told that I need schools backing for them to do so I can’t go down that route

• Took them to a private physio when they complained of pain (again my Grandparents paid for this) – who was very very good, but couldn’t find a physical issue and just advised me to get some properly fitted shoes for DC (which I did and hasn’t improved the behaviour at home)

I feel like I’m going mad. I’m looking into an EHCNA, but Sendiass have said if school are saying it’s a home problem and ExH is saying he has no issues with DC there then it will be an uphill battle that may not be won. I’m considering asking for a course of private play therapy from my grandparents, but I don’t want to keep taking money off them if I can help it.

Do I just accept I’m the issue? And if so how do I change? ExH will not parent full time so I have to. So it’s not an option for me to give in or give DC up though at times I have considered it

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Being fine at school and the NRPs but then coming home and just exploding. DC is always sorry but can’t seem to explain what happens when they’re in those moods. It’s not all bad, but I am so exhausted and feel like I can’t relax in case DC explodes.

My son did this, perfect at school a monster at home but it was clearly obvious he wasn’t SEN or ND. He was just a boy who really thrived with a strong authoritative (not authoritarian) structure that I wasn’t always able to give simply because I didn’t have that ‘vibe’ in the way (good) fathers have. It’s not sexist it’s biology (dad, deep firm voice, me screechy high pitched). My kids would never put a foot wrong with their dad (my ex) because he had an air of authority that I couldn’t emulate (it’s why the dog is the bloody same 🙁). There’s a reason why the ‘perfect’ set up is mum and dad.

This screams ND and masking to me.

She was allowed out at any time obviously, she just didn't get any TV, books or devices. 🙄

Call it what you liked. It worked and she has grown up into a well rounded, lovely girl, like her two older siblings. She is currently at uni.

@ColonelDax

'Currently in uni' is not a measure of well-being.

I think it’s just the case that your benchmark for “naughty” behaviour involved extreme and disturbing behaviour including violence. Your children and indeed you must have had quite a tumultuous time of it.

For the rest of us, this is extreme and worrying, and to provide advice on the presumption that there may be a ND at play is sensible

That was for @ColonelDax

You deprived her of books??!! You actually stopped your child reading????OMFG

Quite right, and the route is assessment, as the professionals will consider alternative explanations and diagnoses for things that may present in a similar way, and as you say, possible for several factors to be interacting together.

@ColonelDax

you are saying that you removed all your young daughters book from her room and if you caught her sneaking a read, it was whipped away from her?

I think one thing you need to do is involve the father more. Get him to have your child much more often. Is your child well-behaved for your ex husband/grandparents?

Yes when she misbehaved and was threatened with it. We never threaten something and don't carry it out. She lasted 2 days, apologised and it never happened again.

She loved reading so only really a punishment if you remove something they actually like.

I'd have removed her Xbox but she didn't have one... 🙄

Well I did the opposite of The Colonel Dax for my autistic child.

He's doing really well, is a lovely teenager who is predicted A* and A's at A level and is planning to go to uni.

Expect that Colonel Dax assumes that this is impossible for children like ours, 🙄.

What on earth did your child that led you to removing their books?

How bizarre.

@ColonelDax

agree with someone earlier you need to keep a video log, funny how any perps change their behaviour when they know they are being monitored

@ColonelDax

I managed to raise my kids without ever resorting to threatening them. Ever.

@ColonelDax

what the heck did she do (how old?) to warrant two days solitary confinement in an empty room and forbidden from even reading (which she loved to do you say)???

Stopping a child who loves reading from reading really seems very cruel

i can’t fathom what a child could have done to deserve that

I can’t fathom a mother who would do this

😂 she wasn't confined, could leave at any time.

It's almost as if @ColonelDax doesn't think that autistic children can love reading or be clever children intelligent enough to go to university. Or that she thinks that autistic children are gaming all the time. Or that she thinks that it is bad parenting and/ or gaming that causes poor behaviour or gasp, even autism.

Yet her own DD behaved so badly she had her books removed!

Goodness me, I do hope she hasn't passed her prejudices down to your children.

'her children'.

So what did she do? Was she allowed to play with toys?

how old was she?

And what on earth did she do to warrant such a punishment @ColonelDax ?

she lasted 2 days in an empty room

effectively solitary confinement

to be fair you do rather give the impression she wasn’t allowed to leave the room.

Wow! Even when Dad is beating the shit out of Mum and locking the kids in their room.

Even if the situation isn't as bad as mine was living with their Dad, I don't want my children ruled with a rod of iron.
Your perfect parenting doesn't identify with the way I was raised, Mum and Dad, two siblings, if anyone was less strict it was Dad, but neither raised their voices and held authority over us, and none of us misbehaved.

There is no way in this world your way works for the majority.

Wait... this was a joke wasn't it 🤔

I think you need a break. I have a friend who went through the same thing and she simply gave up. She loved her child too much to let him destroy himself.