Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

Oh, please. I am literally the OP and her husband in one person. I had a dog and cat (or more than one each) most of my childhood. As an adult, I have zero pets. I want a pet. So bad. But I don't have time for one and no one else in my home does either. Most people, including this lying, manipulative husband, underestimate how much time and attention even the easiest of dogs requires. It is not just taking care of the dog, but you must also now essentially clean up after another family member. One who will be similar to a toddler most of it's life. The absence of a wanted pet can in no way be similar in feeling to being forced to deal with a pet you never wanted and were lied to in order to obtain. Not having a pet you want is just a feeling of longing or want. It is nowhere near the same as forcing someone to have their life completely changed by the inclusion of a pet.
I have this argument with myself occasionally. And since I cannot lie to myself as this husband lied to OP, the no pet side always wins. Pets add many things to your life. But they also take a lot. I dread all the work that comes with taking care of a pet on top of all my other responsibilities and I like dogs and love cats. I can't imagine how horrible it would be to have all the responsibilities on top of not really wanting a dog at all.

Have you decided what to do yet OP?

I do sympathise - I would choose my dog too though, sorry

I totally agree. I really like dogs and every so often I feel like we should get one and I feel guilty my children don’t have one when we did growing up. But, that was my parents’ decision, not mine. My rational head always takes over and I know it’s just not for me to have one

I wish it was that easy. As it stands it is not my solely decision. I know what I will do, and DH know what he is NOT going to do. Completely gobsmacked 😶

@ulabella have you had any further conversations with him about it?

Are you sure there is not something else going on @ulabella . Is he holding on to some resentment against you? And therefore being very stubborn? Because shouting "I want a dog, and I want only this dog" doesn't sound like something you do in a 20 year marriage with DC.

What a shit situation.

I love my dog, there are annoying things about having her though. Like hell would I ever want a puppy!!

Your home life sounds miserable

I listened to the same programme. I know what you mean

@Redebs

It's shocking the number of dog owners that take their dogs out to poo, so they don't do it in the garden. That's disgusting. Surely you should make it poo before you go out?

What's disgusting about taking a dog out for a walk and picking up and binning it's poo? Other than the fact you are handling poo? And how do you make a* *dog poo?

Our dog goes out for 5-10 minutes before her first walk and she never poos in the garden except on the very rare occasions when she has had an upset stomach. I have always assumed that it was a territory thing, like foxes, and dogs would prefer to do it away from their home turf.

Really feel for you I adore my dog, but I'm on my own with 3 children, and the puppy stage nearly broke me! I bitterly regretted getting him, and now can't imagine life without him. I don't think it's going to change for you though.

@Redebs It's shocking the number of dog owners that take their dogs out to poo, so they don't do it in the garden. That's disgusting. Surely you should make it poo before you go out?
Tell us you know nothing about dogs without telling us you know nothing about dogs.
Actually tell us you know nothing about mammals without telling us you know nothing about mammals.
Make it poo?
How do you propose people do this? Squeeze it really hard?

It’s very possible to make a dog poo and wee on demand but requires dedicated training from the puppy stage.
its the standard when training guide dogs

We had a dog by accident. I have cats. I live in a flat. One day my ex, with whom I share the flat, phoned to say he'd found a throw away puppy. He's bringing it home. I went to the vet and got food, anti worms and fleas. Then I went to work. He was the sweetest. 6 weeks old. A mongrel and he was kept in ex's room until he'd been cleaned up. Gave him the pills against worms and nearly drowned him defleaing him. The next day I took him to the vet. Got a clean bill of health. Went home and gave him 3 baths. Dried him with the hairdryer and let him go. He ran to the cats. Rubbed noses with one, got spat at by the other. He was a very good boy. Took an age to train him which got me down but after that I loved him dearly.
If you don't particularly like dogs then life must be very hard for you. Your dh should be training him re the garden. If he's not then he's doing a piss poor job. Maybe you'll be happier if he leaves. You are obviously incompatible now. Good luck.

I love dogs and GSP, but they are very needy dogs who generally want a lot of interaction with their human/s, along with brain work and not just running.

I have 2 dogs, and wouldn’t live with anyone that wouldn’t want to live with dogs, but I would totally understand someone not wanting to live with dogs. As much as I love mine (and they basically are what keeps me alive a lot of the time) I accept that not everyone does and I would never try and force someone into having a dog they don’t want. It is a very hard situation for you and I think he’s been very cruel and thoughtless to have basically forced you into dog ownership. No ideas that would help, but feel for you.

@callthataspade

His compromise? To leave with the dog. Seems to me that the marriage has broken down. I'd accept the compromise.

Why have you replied to me to say exactly what I've already said?

Of course he should go. He's a knobhead. I wouldn't want to be married to him anymore.

You may not have been overjoyed at the thought of getting a dog but at the end of the day you did agree to it and therefore have responsibility for this dog along with your husband. A dog is not a commodity to be passed from pillar to post. This is not a "random animal situation".

Of course having a dog changes how you operate day to day and it seems to me that, having agreed to get a dog, you haven't taken that on board and you're not prepared to make any compromises at all. Putting up a mental barrier against this dog, which your husband regards (quite rightly) as family will not help you yourself, or family dynamics. You've taken this dog on and you need to revise your expectations.

Having said that, this is a puppy. It's a difficult stage and things will get better if you decide you want to make an effort. I'm also guessing that by "training" you mean your dog has been to puppy classes. This is a good starting point but it's not the be all and end all of training. The chewing and digging are part of being a puppy but not something you and your husband can't work on (does the puppy have things of his own to chew on - does he have enough enrichment, an outlet for his gundog instincts?). Similarly, if you can't control him he is not trained. You could help yourself a lot with a few one on one sessions with a trainer, or gundog specific (force-free) classes.

You've said you don't want to try, that you find training dumb and boring. If you're not prepared to make any effort whatsoever then, bluntly, there is no point to this post. You are doomed, and your marriage is doomed.

I don't know of any marriage that has split up over a dog, the nearest I can get to are separated couples due to one partner wanting children and the other not wanting them. Your anxiety and distress over the dog presence seems to be so overwhelming I think your health will become affected, unless you can accept the dog, mess and all, then you need to be thinking of what the future holds for you, and do what you think will make you happiest.

Yes I'm afraid it is wrong. You agreed to take a sentient being into your home. You have a responsibility along with your husband.

As you've already discovered, a dog in the house is a major part of the household, not a piece of furniture. If you take the view that you're not going to bother with it and that, at best, it's entirely your husband's responsibility then you are choosing to split your family.

If you insist on abdicating your share of the responsibility for this sentient creature and getting rid of it, like a dress you bought but don't actually like, then your husband would likely be deeply resentful. If it genuinely comes down to you or the dog, it suggests there's a fundamental weakness in your marriage that goes beyond this dog, and there's every chance you'd lose that battle.

@callthataspade
I was agreeing with you lady. Jeez!

Well that's confirmed a lot of assumptions I had about you...

I'm sorry you feel this way and how it's making you feel. I felt the same way when we 1st got it dog. I felt that way for about 3 year. Then I trained myself to feel differently and to see the good qualities instead of the bad. It took time but I love him to bits and can't see my life him. Have you had the dog castrated! That can help to calm him down. There's a crisis with people giving up their pets right now and it's really sad. I'm now so happy not to have made that decision and my dog brings us so much joy. Your husband is training your dog and things will calm down. Like I mentioned before, it's a matter of training yourself to think differently. Maybe cordon of a section of the garden for him so he can do whatever he likes without you having to worry. Try and compromise. Hope you can work things out!

Funny how certain posters have so much compassion for sentient beings ... if they're dogs ... but not so much if they're women. 😄
Although it's not in the dog's best interests to be in a house that's too small, to be trained poorly and not given enough exercise. OP's DH made a bad decision for everyone including the dog. No genuine dog lover would want the dog kept as a point of principle rather than it being rehomed appropriately.

Hi @ulabella I thought of you yesterday. I was in John Lewis and someone had a GSP with them!

Absolutely gorgeous dog. Calm, well behaved, beautiful dog. I was just thinking, if only you were here seeing this.

At the moment you are in the very worst stage of dog ownership. The puppy stage nearly broke us too. I have mentioned it a couple of times up thread but could you go and see older versions of your dog and see how they develop? See the longer term future?