Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

Puppy years are hard, that's why they say its worse than having a baby.

I have a ridgeback 10 now but when he was a puppy, I couldn't leave him for 5 mins in the garden or he'd dig craters and I mean craters! He grew out of it at 2.

He can be trained to only poo in a certain area in the garden. In regards to pee, DH needs to get dog rocks and put in his water. It reduces the acidity and will save your lawn and plants.

Love is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done. Love patiently accepts all things. It always trusts, always hopes, and always endures.
It is OK to admit that the disruption a puppy would bring to your life was unforeseen. As adults we live with the consequences of our decisions. Do not throw away your relationship because you are angry that you didn't maintain your original position of no dogs. DH must be important to you as you were prepared to sacrifice on that. This time you've got to suck it up.

I do really feel for you but it’s a case of yet again people ‘buying’ when they could have rescued a dog that’s obviously totally unsuitable for them. You’d have probably warmed to a dog that was less boisterous and smaller. I hope people read this and realise what an undertaking getting a dog is. Now there’s going to be yet another dog, through no fault of its own being parted from his family. Totally irresponsible of your husband.

They allow dogs in John Lewis?

Love is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done. Love patiently accepts all things. It always trusts, always hopes, and always endures.

I'm a Christian and a licensed minister in the C of E , and I hate when this text is taken out of context.

It has been used to keep downtrodden people - almost always swomen - underfoot for centuries. It has excused infidelities, physical, emotional and mental abuse, and innumerable unkindnesses, and is one of the glib things that people pull out to justify women having to remain with abusive men. It is NOT appropriate here.

OP's husband is being selfish. He is getting upset with her. He isn't prepared to patiently accept not having a (totally inappropriate breed of) dog.

Why is she the one who has to make all the concessions? Her husband wouldn't listen to her when she suggested a smaller, calmer dog, and he reneged on his promise to train and clean up. Why should she have to do the things he promised he would do for an anu=imal she never really wanted, and only agreed to under particular codidiotns - which he broke?

Christ called men to love their wives like he loved "the church" - God's people who he died for.

Surely rehoming an inappropriate breed dog is how to love his wife and put her needs first?

@Emotionalsupportviper

I know! I was surprised too. Initially I thought it was a support dog, however, I saw 3 other dogs in the shop as well.

Love is not selfish, and does not get upset with others.
Women must not stand up for themselves
Love does not count up wrongs that have been done
Women must unquestioningly accept abuse and mistreatment
Love patiently accepts all things. It always trusts, always hopes, and always endures.
Women must unquestioningly obey and accept whatever happens to them
⏫
I fixed it, the underlying message is underneath the crossed out parts, it could be further boiled down to 'shut up and do as you're told'

A GSP was a poor choice, they are high energy, needy dogs. I feel for you. We have dogs but they are strictly outside dogs (we have a large garden and they sleep in their kennels) - I don't want their smells and hair in the house, too much vacuuming for me. But I love them dearly and they get two walks a day. The best solution may be training the GSP not to wreck your garden? Take him for walks as others have suggested? I don't think you should call it quits on your marriage over this.
Good luck!

The clock is ticking on this one. The chances of getting the dog successfully rehomed are higher if it’s done when the dog is still young and can be retrained properly.

I see a lot of people assuming this dog is wildly out of control at all times, that no ones bothering to train him or exercise him... (and in fact excessive exercise at his age is a very bad idea, bad for his joints and bad for him mentally if the aim is to exhaust him into being flat out asleep any time he is inside the home!).

This is a puppy.

This is all normal stuff for a puppy, particularly in a home where one person is refusing to do any part of the necessary puppy raising responsiblities.

Training is possible but it will be daily, 'as you go' training, habituation, behaviour modification, as part of a lifestyle, for the next year or more.

There is no possible way to just 'train' the dog and then all will be well in an instant, that isn't how dogs work.

I’m shocked by some of these comments. Especially the notion that having a dog is harder than a newborn HUMAN baby lol.

It’s surely clear to anyone that the husband has bigger issues. If he’s willing to give up his entire family for the sake of a dog…an animal, when he was the one that pressured getting it in the first place.

My experience, with 3dc and 2 dogs, is that puppies are harder work than newborn babies. Young puppies are more like toddlers, which I found much more difficult than the newborn stage and then they turn into obstinate 'teenagers' - a stage that seems to last forever with large breeds and is bloody awful. Then you get a nice dog for a few years before they start getting old and drooling everywhere. I do like having dogs, but I definitely understand why someone wouldn't want one and completely agree with your second point.

Agree with @BigMadAdrian - puppies are MUCH more work than human babies.

They are considerably more mobile, and are incontinent all over the place until you have managed to teach them not to wee and poo indoors. This can take a while with some breeds.

I have also had puppies chew up carpets, pull off wallpaper, chew table legs, eat socks, and chew wires.

Of the above my kids only ever pulled off some wallpaper.

On the plus side, the dogs never drew on the walls.

I don’t have a dog, but I absolutely do think from the experience of people with puppies that a puppy is harder work!

a baby at least wears a nappy and at least as a newborn stays where you put them. A puppy walks about pissing and shitting!

I do get what you’re saying & understand it’s your perception of that newborn phase. I guess my only irritation with some on this post is the constant direct correlation between dogs and children. It always seems to get brought up. Ultimately people cage dogs, feed them basic meals, walk them x amounts of times a day and don’t need to deal with their emotional and neurological development.
I think people should just say, dogs are dogs and little humans are little humans, not really comparable in the great scheme of what’s important in life. Definitely not worth leaving your family over.

But it’s not just the dog, it’s kind of what it symbolises. My auntie and uncle got divorced and the dog was really the straw that broke the camel’s back - I guess she got so fed up and didn’t care about their marriage anymore that she bought a massive dog, knowing her husband doesn’t like dogs (but was willing to compromise on a smaller dog). When he complained the dog was destroying their house/car, she basically said “if you don’t like it then divorce me”.

Well, I have both and a puppy is absolutely like a toddler. I'd say my daughter was much easier to deal with.

I take it you've never had a puppy?

Ultimately people cage dogs

I don't cage my dog, but I've left my toddler in a baby walker and/or playpen to keep them contained and out of trouble whilst I had to do something in the house. Very similar to having to quickly put your dog in a crate whilst you do something. People who cage their dogs for long periods are abusive, just like some parents are abusive

An intelligent trained dog does have the comprehension of a 2-3 year old. That's why they can be used as assistant dogs. They can learn the meaning of 50+ words and fetch what you ask for as well as do tasks that are asked of them.

They also have emotions!

Have you looked at the videos of where people have their dogs using voice communication buttons? One dog told his owner "ow" and "paw" and yes he had a thorn hidden but stuck in his paws. Asks to go see his friends and so on.

What you can't do is stop dogs being dogs - smelly, slobbering, shedding, getting filthy or wet outside, stop digging if they love digging and so on.

Aww poor pup is going to be rehomed through no fault of his own. Just because two grown adults were so selfish that they could not look beyond what each wanted. Yes your husband was wrong to nag you but you were also wrong to have said yes. Why didn’t you say ‘me or the dog’ instead of ‘succumbing to pressure’?

if you make your husband give up the pup do you think your marriage will survive, considering the resentment he would feel? And your kids? Would they see it as you being forced to put up with a dog or your husband being forced to give up the dog?

Absolutely pathetic and if I were put in this situation I would choose the dog any day.

I guess each to their own. Some people may find raising children a doddle compared to looking after an animal I’ve never witnessed that personally so can only speak from my own experience and those I witness around me.
Young children are complex, emotional, need educating, reading to, feeding nutritional meals, cleaning up (more than paying a groomer every so often). They speak and respond, learn…really this is ridiculous listing the ways a human being is more important and challenging to look after.
I’ve been around puppies, my observation is that each breed is very different. All dogs smell, poo, bark varying amounts, some shed fur etc etc. I do like animals, show compassion and would never be cruel but this lady is losing her family. My original point was that no animal is worth a family separation.

A dog is a permanent toddler, which makes it harder because once kids are out of the toddler stage they can be reasoned with and at some point become self-sufficient. That never happens with a dog.

I don’t suppose it makes it harder, just different. I think that’s what a lot of this thread is missing - nuanced thinking. Children don’t get easier, they change, grow and swap one difficult stage for another. Some may find the toddler years easier with all the physical care than they do the teenage stages, it’s just preference.
I personally wouldn’t invest emotionally into an animal in the same way as my own child. I can’t actually even conceive that being similar in any way, but appreciate I don’t speak for everyone.

I sympathise with your feelings. A year or so I suggested that we should get another dog, after loosing our last Springer (30 happy years of Springers). My suggestion was that we get a female Newfypoo puppy, as they don't need too much exercise, but they are ginormous. Our puppy didn't chew up too much at all, but she did extensively rearrange the garden. My wife's problem was that an excited Newfypoo puppy can pull like a train and has four wheel (well paws actually) drive. My wife had many "what have we done" moments and I was afraid that it wasn't going to end well. However, a year later our ginormous puppy could hardly be described as calm, but is a heck of a lot less excitable than she was. Having had four dogs now, I know how frustrating and stressful owning a puppy can be, but if you have the persistence, in our experience they all calm down, it does take months though to be honest. I really feel for you, especially if you are not very doggy orientated. My only practical suggestion is to put a timeline on garden wrecking, clothes wrecking, etc, where the dogs future with you depends on being better behaved by a certain date.