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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Very difficult situation

774 replies

ulabella · 14/03/2023 07:50

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

OP posts:
horseyhorsey17 · 16/03/2023 09:34

Avarua2 · 16/03/2023 00:36

A well-walked dog would never choose to shit in his own garden.

I call BS on this dog being well-walked.

This isn't true. You could maybe get one that you timed with its feeding and walks so it didn't poo in its garden, if it wasn't a prolific pooer, but if you feed your dogs first thing then they're going to need a poo - and that's in the garden if you don't immediately take them for a walk. Also, like humans, some dogs poo more than others. It all depends on the dog's schedules and bowel movements and how that fits in with their owner's schedule.

Blossomtoes · 16/03/2023 09:40

I am sure you have made anyone in my situation really face up to the requirements of dog ownership.

Not really, to be fair. Our dog has never chewed random things or damaged the garden. She goes happily into kennels when we go on holiday and can be left alone for a few hours at a time.

Dog ownership is what you make it, starting with choosing an appropriate breed and continuing with proper training. OP’s bloke’s made an absolute pig’s ear of it.

horseyhorsey17 · 16/03/2023 09:40

5128gap · 16/03/2023 08:27

My friend has a dog. Her house and garden look like a show home and there are minimal hairs and no smell.
She works at it.
Dog is bathed, brushed and deodorized regular.
After walks dog wears a poncho thing in the car.
Dog is supervised in the garden.
Areas dog goes in are vacuumed several times a day.
She has no crate (believes it to be cruel) or dog bed. Dog sits/sleeps on the sofa on its own frequently washed blanket.
She uses a dog sitter for holidays.
Your dog could be far less intrusive if your DH put the work in to keep the it clean and adequately supervised, and cleaned up after it. I'd be telling him this.

God yeah it's hard work. I have two dogs including a labrador that sheds endlessless, and my home doesn't look like a show home but just to keep it looking nice, at a bare minimum I sweep and mop every day, and I have a special brush for removing dog hair from the carpet, which I have to use every day and then vaccum. I have a Vax carpet shampooer that's designed to help wiht pet hair and I use that every couple of weeks (although I've pulled up most of the carpets and replaced with wood laminate). The stairs are a particular bugbear for muddy prints and dog hair gatherage and I am still working on the perfect solution for that (I have an upside down house and it's not possible to keep the dogs on one level). Soft furnishings and rugs are all washable and washed regularly. I also have a lot of diffusers, scented candles and Febreze!

DrSeuss84 · 16/03/2023 09:48

I feel for you both in this situation. I made the mistake of getting a dog when our daughter was 3 years old. I convinced myself it was what our family needed. That our daughter would have a buddy for life (only child) and that we would go on walks and train the dog. I did all my research, went to a good breeder and eventually came home with a beautiful Labrador cross puppy. Put pics on fb the first night. Fast forward a few days and I was sat sobbing half way up the stairs in the middle of the night. I knew almost immediately I had made a mistake. We decided to contact the breeder and ask if we could return the pup. It cost us £200.

Thankfully our daughter was too young to remember. I know this doesn’t help. I just want to say don’t beat yourself up for making the decision to buy a dog, or for now feeling you can’t cope. we live and we learn.

on the flip side my sister brought a puppy and struggled for a good 18 months. Exactly the same issues, digging in the garden, the hair, the smell the house being destroyed. Dog is 2 now and the difference is vast! She is calm, obedient lovely dog. If you can hang in there things really might change.

XelaM · 16/03/2023 09:55

Blossomtoes · 16/03/2023 09:40

I am sure you have made anyone in my situation really face up to the requirements of dog ownership.

Not really, to be fair. Our dog has never chewed random things or damaged the garden. She goes happily into kennels when we go on holiday and can be left alone for a few hours at a time.

Dog ownership is what you make it, starting with choosing an appropriate breed and continuing with proper training. OP’s bloke’s made an absolute pig’s ear of it.

Exactly. We have a dog and he never chewed or destroyed anything, never damaged the garden, never needed to be crated, can be left alone for a few hours and goes to a dog sitter whilst we're away. Dog ownership doesn't have to be as hard as people make it out to be. But we did get a small family lap dog, not a working hunting dog.

shoplifteroftheworld · 16/03/2023 10:03

ItsCalledAConversation · 14/03/2023 08:09

This sounds really strange to me. The poor dog will be picking up on the anxiety and tension you know. I’d be wondering what more there is behind this, why you are so against the dog and judgemental/resentful of his existence. You sound very joyless. Perhaps if you engaged in the walks and training yourself, you’d find the dog (and the husband) are not as awful as you seem to have decided they are?

What a nasty, unhelpful response! Better you keep your opinions to yourself

Redebs · 16/03/2023 10:19

It's shocking the number of dog owners that take their dogs out to poo, so they don't do it in the garden. That's disgusting. Surely you should make it poo before you go out?

And so depressing the number of people who would put an animal ahead of a relationship with a person. Who on earth would leave a wife or husband if the wanted to get rid of a dog?

I'm an animal lover. I grew up with pet dogs and I've cared for horses and rescued birds. But I could never dream of putting an animal above a human being

unicorn2202 · 16/03/2023 10:37

Redebs · 16/03/2023 10:19

It's shocking the number of dog owners that take their dogs out to poo, so they don't do it in the garden. That's disgusting. Surely you should make it poo before you go out?

And so depressing the number of people who would put an animal ahead of a relationship with a person. Who on earth would leave a wife or husband if the wanted to get rid of a dog?

I'm an animal lover. I grew up with pet dogs and I've cared for horses and rescued birds. But I could never dream of putting an animal above a human being

I can’t imagine my life partner expecting me to choose either.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 16/03/2023 10:40

And so depressing the number of people who would put an animal ahead of a relationship with a person

I suppose some people would think I'm worse - having animals is so important that someone could have been the nicest person in the world but I would never have dated them so I'm putting a hypothetical animal before a human!

Who on earth would leave a wife or husband if the wanted to get rid of a dog?

It would depend on the circumstances and how long you've had the pet. We have an elderly cat who we've had for 15 years. If DH suddenly announced he wanted to get rid of him because he didn't want us to pay for his medication any more or life would be more convenient without him then yes, I would leave him.

Thesharkradar · 16/03/2023 11:00

In many ways putting a relationship with a pet ahead of relationship with a person is completely understandable.
The pet is completely beholden to you, it doesn't have the ability to argue or out manoeuvre you, it is unable to disagree with you or criticise you, you are in control of it in a way that is difficult to achieve with a member of your own species.
The downside is it has no useful skills to contribute to the relationship.

ladyluck13 · 16/03/2023 11:13

I'm a dog lover and owner, but I'd bin your husband. He didn't regard your feelings in getting a dog, he was stupid in choosing a breed by looks over what is practical for your lifestyle, and said he'd choose a pet he's known for 5 minutes over your entire marriage?no..I'd kick him n the dog out, no coming back from that in my opinion. You will be happier in the lo g run I should imagine, you're both gonna resent the other no matter what now.

StarDolphins · 16/03/2023 11:42

ulabella · 15/03/2023 00:29

Thank you for tips. Unfortunately I really don't want to do any of those things you offer. Just don't. Not interested and not my thing. I don't want to bond with it and frankly don't have the time or energy for all this. I lead a very busy life, full-on job and ambitions of my own which happens to be non-dog related.

Is this wrong?

Show quote history

Surely you knew you felt like this before you agreed to the dog? You also know that dogs are smelly, hairy etc etc.

So it’s on you for being irresponsible & agreeing to this dog?

xmaswiththeinlaws · 16/03/2023 11:43

My friend was given the ultimatum of her or the dog (a small one she adored). She had had the dog for 12 years, which was longer than she had been with her husband, but he had decided he couldn't cope with it any longer. She was gutted and eventually she lost them both as they separated anyway, the issues ran far deeper than just the dog.
I've never had a dog but I can certainly sympathise, they are a bind. You might have been better off with him signing up for Borrow my Doggy instead (basically a part time dog share by arrangement).

SerafinasGoose · 16/03/2023 11:45

Thesharkradar · 16/03/2023 11:00

In many ways putting a relationship with a pet ahead of relationship with a person is completely understandable.
The pet is completely beholden to you, it doesn't have the ability to argue or out manoeuvre you, it is unable to disagree with you or criticise you, you are in control of it in a way that is difficult to achieve with a member of your own species.
The downside is it has no useful skills to contribute to the relationship.

I suspect you've hit the nail on the head as to why some people demonstrably prefer animals to people.

It says something quite eloquent about the type of person they are. (I'm of course not talking about the ones who are neuro-diverse; that's different).

Natty13 · 16/03/2023 11:48

SerafinasGoose · 16/03/2023 11:45

I suspect you've hit the nail on the head as to why some people demonstrably prefer animals to people.

It says something quite eloquent about the type of person they are. (I'm of course not talking about the ones who are neuro-diverse; that's different).

Show quote history

What nonsense. Do you think the same of people whose gardens and the plants in them are their main source of joy?

For some, there is joy in the taking care of something and watching it grow and thrive.

SerafinasGoose · 16/03/2023 11:50

Natty13 · 16/03/2023 11:48

What nonsense. Do you think the same of people whose gardens and the plants in them are their main source of joy?

For some, there is joy in the taking care of something and watching it grow and thrive.

Show quote history

We both love the garden and take pleasure from nurturing things and watching them grow,

However, yes, I would think it VERY odd, if my spouse preferred the love and company of his plants to mine!

CauliWoes · 16/03/2023 11:54

Without RTFT all I can say is your husband said he wanted a dog. But he got a puppy. From experience, two very different things! I can fully sympathise

tenterden · 16/03/2023 12:29

@Thesharkradar You don’t have a cat do you? 😂

SaySomethingMan · 16/03/2023 12:37

Thesharkradar · 16/03/2023 11:00

In many ways putting a relationship with a pet ahead of relationship with a person is completely understandable.
The pet is completely beholden to you, it doesn't have the ability to argue or out manoeuvre you, it is unable to disagree with you or criticise you, you are in control of it in a way that is difficult to achieve with a member of your own species.
The downside is it has no useful skills to contribute to the relationship.

Really insightful post!

Thesharkradar · 16/03/2023 12:47

tenterden · 16/03/2023 12:29

@Thesharkradar You don’t have a cat do you? 😂

Goodness me no👀
it would run rings around me wouldn't it 🤭🤣

Thesharkradar · 16/03/2023 12:51

SerafinasGoose · 16/03/2023 11:45

I suspect you've hit the nail on the head as to why some people demonstrably prefer animals to people.

It says something quite eloquent about the type of person they are. (I'm of course not talking about the ones who are neuro-diverse; that's different).

Show quote history

Well yes, an animal that cannot overpower you has no choice but to follow its impulse to fawn and placate you.
If it had the brains or the brawn to dominate and control you it would!

Knitterofcrap · 16/03/2023 12:53

Thesharkradar · 16/03/2023 12:47

Goodness me no👀
it would run rings around me wouldn't it 🤭🤣

Show quote history

Yes it would. Cats are bastards. Everyone knows that!

emptythelitterbox · 16/03/2023 13:07

XelaM · 16/03/2023 09:55

Exactly. We have a dog and he never chewed or destroyed anything, never damaged the garden, never needed to be crated, can be left alone for a few hours and goes to a dog sitter whilst we're away. Dog ownership doesn't have to be as hard as people make it out to be. But we did get a small family lap dog, not a working hunting dog.

Show quote history

Exactly. There are many suitable breeds that would have been a much better fit, but her DH has a head like a rock and wouldn't listen to anything else.

It wouldn't surprise me if this isn't the only thing he's been pig headed and bullied her about.

Emotionalsupportviper · 16/03/2023 14:54

horseyhorsey17 · 16/03/2023 09:34

This isn't true. You could maybe get one that you timed with its feeding and walks so it didn't poo in its garden, if it wasn't a prolific pooer, but if you feed your dogs first thing then they're going to need a poo - and that's in the garden if you don't immediately take them for a walk. Also, like humans, some dogs poo more than others. It all depends on the dog's schedules and bowel movements and how that fits in with their owner's schedule.

Show quote history

I remember reading somewhere that dogs poo, on average, 4 times a day.

If my spaniels are anything to go by there are some dogs who must only go once a fortnight . . .

Emotionalsupportviper · 16/03/2023 15:00

Dog ownership is what you make it, starting with choosing an appropriate breed and continuing with proper training.

This ⬆

There are more good dogs spoiled because they are bought on a whim, or because of their looks etc rather than after thoughtful research into an appropriate breed and its requirements, and whether the family can give it what it needs. It's too easy to both acquire and get rid of an animal. I feel sorry for them.