Very difficult situation

[ulabella]

I hope you can help with what seems to be an impossible situation. Please be gentle, my question is about living with a dog which I know many of the dog lovers on here will find hard to empathise with. Your views are really important to me but do try to stay a bit objective please.

So AIBU not to want to live with a dog?

My DH was nagging me for years to get a dog and up until recently I’ve simply put my foot down and said ‘no’. Then around 10 months ago I succumbed to pressure.

We now have a GSP puppy. We got him in the summer when he was 8 wks old. Cute and very handsome but one big pain in the back side!

I genuinely thought it will be ok. My DH campaigned hard promising to take care of all dog duties. I always said I’m not picking up poo, or changing my plans to suit the dog. I absolutely cherish my freedom and do not wish to be dictated by an animal (raising two kids was enough).
I was also hoping that DH was right promising that my quality of life will improve but that has proved to be the complet opposite.

DH insisted on a GSP (German Shorthaired Pointer, a gun dog) and did his research on the breed for the last couple of years, including meeting and talking to breeders. He said it’s a good family dog, min shedding (not true!). I thought a GSP looked lovely and very graceful but too big for our house, our family and lifestyle and tried to introduce the idea of a smaller dog but this was rejected.

Since then, my life turned up side down. I initially told myself to suck it up until we pass the crazy puppy months (which apparently last for two years..??) and while my house is being destroyed in front of me. But after a few month of much stress, anxiety and anguish I decided it’s definitely not for me and I won’t ever be happy or relaxed with a dog in my house.

The dog is also destroying my garden which is my little piece of heaven. Poos all over it, crush the plants, dig in pots and everywhere really. His urine is toxic, killing plants and the lawn. It’s Armageddon. It make me feel so angry and stressed.

I struggle every day. I feel like I am pushed out of my own space. If I want to be in a clean and calm space room I need to retire upstairs to my bedroom. (Dog is not allowed upstairs). This is insane to me.

No, the dog is not bored. My DH is totally devoted to long daily walks, exercising and training the dog but he is a dog after all, doing normal dog things.

We are now at a point when I said ‘its me or the dog’. I don’t take it lightly and appreciate this is hard for my DH. I feel slightly selfish but maybe we are both being selfish. If I have it my way and he agree for the dog to go, he will stay resentful and hurt and hate me forever for it. That won’t make us happy going forward but neither the dog will.

I love my husband. It’s not been perfect always but we have a special bond and have gone through a lot together. He absolutely refuse to give the dog away and said he will leave.

I can’t actually believe that it came to this and my marriage is now hinges in the dog! How do we come out of this impossible deadlock without one of us left suffering?

(Sorry, a bit longer story that I wanted.. )

It's too easy to both acquire and get rid of an animal. I feel sorry for them.

This. I know MN hate the comparison of dogs and children, but I wish more people saw them as the commitment that they see children as.

personally, I think how humans treat animals says a lot about the person. If a partner of mine was happy to discard a dog (or any pet) after a few weeks simply because they didn’t like them doing normal animal things, I’d think a lot less of them. I had dogs before I had my partner so yes, they would absolutely come first if he decided he wanted them gone. He can look after himself as a a grown man, the dogs I have a duty to care for because I chose to have them. I appreciate that’s not the OP’s situation because the dog is new but I can see how her general attitude to the dog has changed her husband’s view of her.

Presumably they’ve never had a dog before because she said no, a dog free house makes her happy. Why doesn’t he get his turn to do something that makes him happy? I agree he needs to up the training, but if he’s committed to a dog - and they are a commitment - I can see why he’s not taken kindly to being told to get rid of it like a worthless inanimate object.

OP, I got completely slaughtered on here when I posted about rehoming my rescue dog. She had bitten my 3 year old son.

I explained dog and child where never left alone, this happened right in front of me, child was not annoying dog, my children where NEVER alone with the dog.
Well- I ended up having the thread deleted because people on here where being so down right nasty to me when I already felt horrendous about it.

I am telling you this to show that there will always be those people who make you feel like it is a YOU problem - as I have read throughout this thread…… you simply cannot live like this and you have my full sympathy.
Tell your husband to leave and take the dog OR he must do something about dog’s behaviour and put things in place so you can have your home back.

OP I have so much sympathy for you. I think a major thing is the breed of dog that you've got. Sporting dogs are working dogs and need so much more stimulating and exercise and are often kept outside with other dogs or in farms with large spaces to exercise. Tricky in a domestic environment. Although I'm sure there are exceptions where it's worked fine.

You may have had a completely different dog experience if you'd had a small daschund or miniature schnauzer or cockerpoo etc.

But you are in the position you are in. Could you appear to compromise a bit with your husband. Perhaps suggest you will try a further 3 months (and make some changes like fencing off part of garden for toileting etc.) but say that if you are still unhappy the dog should be rehomed. Gives you both time to think about it properly over next 3 months.

It was totally unfair that you were pressured into having this dog,when you very obviously am not a dog lover!! I know your dh is doing the poo picking, training etc,but you don't seem to have any kind of bond with the dog at all. I would suggest that you take the dog to training classes.....build a bond,and create a relationship where,if you told the dog no,it would listen. Everybody in a household needs to have a bond with their dog,not just your husband. He may be your dhs dog,but you need to have control and a bond with the dog too.......and training classes are excellent for that. Pick something basic and you might find you begin to see the dog as partly yours,as well as your husbands. Good Luck !!!

This made me chuckle 😄 and I'd have to agree
Whilst some of the things in OP are issues, the lack of willingness to sort any of it out as a family (all or nothing ) is shocking and i would hazard a guess points to bigger issues and resentment . The poor dog is only the scapegoat

So sorry OP. I very much sympathise with you. I would hate all that too.

I'm guessing your DH wouldn't consider a dog share with someone, or something similar? He could live with someone most of the time, but your DH paid all expenses and did all walks?

YADNBU
I've always had large gun dogs:Weimaraner/GSP types too. I love them so much and can still fear the tears welling up at the thought of the last one.
However, I was once put on a position where I cared temporarily for someone's dog (they were divorcing) both decided they didn't want the dog and said to get him put down if I didn't want him.
I had 4 small children, a large grumpy destructive, (snappy with the kids) and very sad dog. It wasn't fair to put him down and we cared for him and loved him for the rest of his life. But OMG the day he died was honestly one of my best days. The weight and stress that instantly lifted was incredible. I totally get where you're coming from. It has such a massive effect on every area of your life

This dog seems to have out maneoeuvred OP completely....it disagrees with her about what a garden is for, it criticises her choice of feline companion..and she certainly isn't in control in anyway shape or form.

AND it can't pour her a gin and tonic and it can't spot when that's necessary!

I'm still here.. reading, processing and considering.

Thank you for all your very helpful comments. For those who support me and those who oppose me.

@ulabella have you spoken to DH?

This is all about communication.

I'm with you OP the dog must go it's totally unfair on you your husband is being very selfish.

I empathise OP. We too have the dog that DH wanted, I agreed because DS is an only and thought it would be some company for him.

To be fair to DH he picked a placid breed and we are extremely lucky as Rookiedog has a very chilled personality ( except when he sees a squirrel or deer). However I too despair over our stinky dog house and the hugely depressing task of mopping the kitchen floor only to have rookiedog walk over it straight away with his mucky paws.

Couple of things which people may already have suggested. Can your H keep him out of the garden? for holidays we use the dog walker or have a great dog sitter through rover.com. I'm quite militant so if DH goes away for the weekend either he takes rookiedog or he goes to dog sitter- I'm not spending 2 hrs a day walking the dog on my weekends.

I kind of got over myself, but I think that's mainly because once DH realised what he'd done ( he's a kind, generous man just very impetuous) he actually wanted to sell rookiedog ( yes not even return him to the breeders) but I was adamant that we have taken him on for life. I do sometimes worry about what I'd do if DH passed away - that sounds awful doesn't it , but I simply never wanted a dog and wouldn't want solo responsibility.

It’s asymmetrical. A dog lover is perfectly capable of coping with life in a dog free house. Someone who does not like dogs will HATE a dog with a dog in it - they restrict everyone’s freedom, stink, get hair everywhere.

If he likes dogs, why can’t he join the Cinnamon Trust or become a dog shelter volunteer and walk the dogs and care for them?

OP was wrong to cave and agree to this dog. However, her DH presumably wore her down with endless nagging and false promises. It’s wrong. And I’ve seen this dynamic in a lot of households with a dog. The man gets to show off a dog in the park on a nice day, the woman gets stuck with the cleaning, repairing, sorting out dog sitters and pet hotels.

Thank you for tips. Unfortunately I really don't want to do any of those things you offer. Just don't. Not interested and not my thing. I don't want to bond with it and frankly don't have the time or energy for all this. I lead a very busy life, full-on job and ambitions of my own which happens to be non-dog related.
Is this wrong?

Yes it is wrong… but only because if you’ve no interest you shouldn’t have said yea to a dog, and definitely not the breed you’ve got!
You don’t like dogs and you should have done more homework about the breeds yourself and not hist left it all to DH.
My DH wanted a dog for years, I didn’t… my compromise was that I got to choose the breed and I set the rules. It worked and thanks to that little dog I conceived a long awaited baby….

You are completely unwilling to keep this dog so be upfront… I doubt he’d leave you and his kids for a dog … but he might resent you forever …

He has no right to resent her since he lied to get his way. This fool said he researched the dog for years. and then proceeded to lie about the dogs needs, shedding, and temperament. Sorry, but if you lie and manipulate to get your way, you don't get to be resentful.

Like I said before it’s not dog or no dog. Not all dogs are equal.

If DH had bought a small, calm, manageable pooch I’m sure things would have worked out fine.

The problem is this particular dog.

Honestly it sounds like he got this particular dog as a way to split up. One quick Google tells me it’s massive, very energetic, can be destructive and sheds a lot. This is NOT the type of “easy going” dog you buy if you live with someone who doesn’t like dogs! I’m allergic so would never have one anyway, but if I wasn’t, I would only agree to a very small or lazy dog, not a massive working dog that needs lots of input. It’s like if your partner said they didn’t like heights so you took them bungee jumping. Just why?

This is such an uninteresting thought and completely agree. If someone was putting the animal first it could mean there are deep rooted issues already that isn't getting sorted out . The OP sounds so resentful it is almost as if things are over already and the dog is just the tip of the iceberg.
For those saying how on earth can u put an animal before a person? Easy. At the point of deciding that, you have already changed your view of the other individual, the way they behaved, and you don't respect their views anymore or see them in a different light (callous, etc.) Until it basically gives you the ick. If you choose the person and you resented them in the end you would probably break up anyway because you found a character crack you now don't like. Very sad...

One of my dogs was a psychopath when she was little - up until the age of about 3. She still is a bit, tbh. She's a terrier and naturally a dominant, moody, snappy dog. It took two years to house train her, and her recall has always been awful despite training. Her saving grace is that she adores me, so won't stray far from me for long, and she's good with other dogs. My kids think she's an idiot but they're used to her. If I gave her to a dog shelter, nobody would have her - she'd be returned within days, if not hours. I actually adore her, but I am her one fan in the entire universe.

The point of this really is that all dogs aren't created equal. Although a lot of people blame the owners for the dogs - which is true up to a point - some dogs are just sh*ts! BUT they do get better with age, patience and training. I can now let my dog off the lead in controlled spaces, and she doesn't wee and poo on the floor any more. It's just taken the best part of six years to get here! I know this isn't exactly going to solve the OP's problems, but - if she and her OH hang in there - they should get a bit easier with time and perseverance and coping mechanisms.

I wish people who know nothing about the breed would stop maligning GSPs - they are lovely.

And a massive dog is a Great Dane, not a GSP - they’re medium-sized dogs ranging from 20 to 30kg.

Adult GSPs are very energetic but as long as they get at least two hours’ exercise a day, they shouldn’t be destructive. And all puppies are destructive, not just GSP ones.

Our GSP was hard work for the first year, but around 18 months he calmed down a lot and has been delightful since. We could ride out the puppy problems because we loved him and were all willing to put the effort into looking after him and training him.

The breed is not the problem - the problem is the OP never wanted the dog, hasn’t bonded with it, and understandably resents the disruption it’s caused to her life and home. Even the smallest, non-shedding dog is going to be disruptive to someone that never wanted it in the first place.

I don't have a dog or know much about them, but I couldn't cope with this! Could you try putting the dog in training classes and see if that helps, before resorting to your marriage ending over this? Whoever gives in is going to feel resentful of the other, but if you do want to save your marriage, I would try other things first and maybe in time things will settle and you will grow fonder of the dog.

All these posts from dog lovers about their dogs....

This is NOT ABOUT THE DOG and all about the "husband". Feel like it's getting lost in translation over everyone's love for their own dogs.

Take the dog out of the equation this about a husband who PRESSURED and didn't respect his wife's decision.

And a wife who made her intentions clear but buckled and now she must be a lifelong price of it?

It’s asymmetrical. A dog lover is perfectly capable of coping with life in a dog free house.
@user1477391263
I don't think this is quite right, even though what you say about the husband over-promising how much he would take on is probably right.

As a dog lover he will perhaps have either genuinely felt he wasn't quite living, for many years, that he was massively compromising by not having a dog and that there was a huge gap in his life - OR he'll have rewritten the narrative of their relationship that this is how he felt all along, whether it was or not.

Anyway, his argument will have been that it is symmetrical, he was deprived all along of this one thing to make him happy and now it's his turn.