AIBU to not accept childs new name

[PeskyPenguin]

My eldest, 13 year old girl has a longish girls name with lots of options for shortening and nicknames.

They told me yesterday that they are non binary and would like to be referred to as they them. Whatever, ok.

Then they tell me that they want to change their name, to another long girls name.

I don't get it. Surely the point of changing a name is to be less feminine?

Their response is "it's just a name I like more"

Well tough? Not everyone likes their name, but that is your name??

They went to a youth group night. And I said to the the leader "I'm here to collect X" and they corrected me and said their new name.

So I was already miffed as I told them we need time and to think about this and to maybe test it out with friends. I don't like being corrected about my child's name at pick up.

They get in the car and ask when I'm going to tell school their new name and that they can't use the female toilets or changing rooms anymore.......

Help me understand or tell me I'm not going crazy to still call them their "dead name" according to them.

This isn't a thing in our house while I believe there is a very small minority who feel this way the masses are just sheep. my children are taught facts there are males and females and should behave as such in certain situations like using the appropriate toilets and changing rooms. I don't care if it doesn't go down well it is the truth, i do not want men in women's toilets i am allowed that opinion, as much as people shouting they should be able to do whatever they like because they have just decided they can.

Insist she calls you goddess or queen or something else you know she'll find super embarrassing. Then explain you don't like any pronouns so please do not refer to you as any.

She'll be more embarrassed and hopefully identify with how you feel.

I think if it was my child I'd explain I love and support her but you feel a name and gender change (or whatever we would call female to non binary) is an adult decision which they can make at 18. You are happy to re discuss at that point.

I'd also explain I named you because you are my baby; it's hurtful that she doesn't respect that.

And the youth leader - I'd explain the same. That your child thinks they'd like to be non binary and change their name but as their parent you've asked them to delay this decision until they are old enough to make it without parental help.

@OldSkoolLikeHappyShopper i couldn't agree more.
I have had 5 years of hell with a ftm DC.
Self harm, suicide attempts, school refusal.
I refuse to use dds male name (and yes she is very obviously a woman). I use she and she accepts it although I get abused for it by others, I am transphobic blah blah. I am not. It is just not real for her Tbh I don't get any of it. She likes big beefy men. She's had a boyfriend. She is frightened of predatory men and they were catcalling by 10.
I now know she was sexually assaulted at 12. This bullshit started soon after. She changed schools and was bullied. By the time she arrived at her fourth school she had been indoctorated on the Internet by 'glitter families'. If you don't know what this means look it up, it is dangerous transactivisim mainly from the USA.
Her fourth head refused to use her preferred male name. He was fab, he got her through her GCSEs and I will be forever grateful.
Sometimes she pulls the toilet stunt on me and I have told her that if she wants to risk assault in a male loo she is mad. Finally after 5 years she accepts she can't change her sex. She flattens her very ample chest with a sports bra and wears male clothes. However she did tell me a peer called her pretty the other day. She was flattered (wtf, she would have had my head off last year)
She is 19 now and has not changed her name, she wants children and is at university. She picked a subject that will include the Keira Bell case which to date she has refused to read. I have employed two mtf people in my time, both had had the full surgery. I do not wish this for my DC and would never support it. I truly hope that this cult like fashion stops. My DCs education and childhood were ruined. Her mental health is better but it is a constant struggle. I love her whoever she chooses to be but it is hard to be supportive when it is a life changing bollocks.

I'm thinking this would be a good idea too. I want to support them but they don't seem to be able to verbalise why she wants to change.

This isnt my only post, I changed name

Omg agree. My sister when she was 15 she said she is they/them. She interested in girls. Which is fine for me and our parents. Now she is 20 and she realise she is heterosexual girls. She said she thought it was cool. Urghhh..

Exactly.

She wants you to take it seriously, so there's nothing more serious than counselling where an objective person can help unpick what's going on.

Just make sure you chose someone who isn't going to ask you to blindly accept what your daughter is doing.

I'd do some research and then tell her that you want the best for her and that you're worried this is a social media trend that is documented to have hurt some young people already. So before any big decisions are made, you would like her to attend family counseling with you. If she doesn't, then you're sorry but you can't proceed with any changes yourself as you don't want to cause any harm to her long-term.

She's not emotionally mature enough to understand what she's doing. I'd stop calling her they, and just proceed as usual until counselling.

The name change is similar as going from Jessica to Jasmine

I do think it's attention seeking.

At 10 my child said they were bisexual then at 12, lesbian. Now this. I haven't reacted to anything. I'm fairly easy going and would have gone alone with just pronoun change, and I am trying to, I know some posters don't like it, and are confused but I'll try for them because it doesn't matter, it's stupid but ok kind of thing.

part of me wonders if she is drama seeking. She loved drama wants to be an actor.

They want gender neutral toilets and changing rooms I have no idea if they exist but I've already told them nope. Not telling school not going down that road at this time.

In January they begged to have their hair cut short, (Bob length)I allowed them to, and since they've been bullied- I wonder if that's part of it.

I don't mind her playing and asking friends. It's been her social media name for a long time for example. But asking me to change it at school and having tantrums when I call her down for dinner just no.

Refusing to accept the name change is ridiculous. I don't see any issue with a child of that age saying, I'm really not keen on the name you picked for me and which I had no choice over, I'd prefer to be called Jasmine.

I have plenty of friends who are non binary and a few who are trans men but they’re adults, and didn’t transition until they were adults. I honestly don’t know how I would handle this as a parent because how likely is it actually that so many 13-16 year olds are suddenly realising they are genuinely non binary and trans? It’s become a total trend and it’s such a huge deal for them. I would be looking back and endlessly cringing if I had done this as a teenager.

I just think it’s impossible, because if you reject it it’ll become a huge thing and she’ll be angry and shut you out - and it risks pushing her further into the whole online thing. But equally just going along with it isn’t ideal either. I’m sorry, I don’t really have any advice but I very much feel for you.

But asking me to change it at school and having tantrums when I call her down for dinner just no.

Why is it "no" ? You haven't given any reason for that. It's being intransigent and domineering just for the sake of it.

She needs taught the difference between sex and gender. She can be a non binary gender but she’s still female, and changing her name to something more feminine proves that she’s not even non binary ffs.

@PeskyPenguin Op Gender neutral toilets and changing rooms are still dangerous as many mtf transwomen still have male sex organs. I suspect you would be horrified for your DC to be next to a penis encased in lacey pants?
Ten years ago the number of people having gender reassignment treatment was less than two thousand a year. It is now thought to be ten times that. The majority late teenage natal women.
A name is just a name the rest I urge you not to engage with.

Going along with preferred pronouns is no small matter. I would urge you to read this case. The incredible damage of socially transitioning is laid out in black and white www.transgendertrend.com/teenager-says-theyre-transgender/

There’s no such thing as “non binary” - who’s to say what “feeling” like a woman or a man is like? Unless you’re just going to play into gender stereotypes.

It’s middle class attention seeking nonsense.

Can she just not go get her ears pierced or dye her hair?

This new-fangled non-binary rebelliousness will end in tears, for many.

My thoughts exactly.

My 14 year old ds came home yesterday with a similar tale of the latest "announcement" at school that they are to refer to another child by a different name (their second change of name since starting high school). Luckily he thinks it's all hilarious bollocks and I'm so grateful for that. Op I really feel for your situation.

I've also noticed the generic school texts have changed their language to say they/them now instead of he/him. I got one last week asking me to "pass on my praise to them' (my one and only Ds). Just sounded a bit odd.

The youth worker has made a clinical decision for which she is not qualified for. I'd be complaining about this social transitioning attempt loudly, clearly and with reference to the Cass report, and I'd probably slot the word grooming in there too.

She is frightened of predatory men and they were catcalling by 10.I now know she was sexually assaulted at 12. This bullshit started soon after.

It's obvious why she no longer wants to be a woman, then. JKR discussed this.

But does she realise that this is exactly what enables predatory men to get into women's spaces?

Exactly this. Whether all the kids who say they are trans actually are or not…some of them will be. And regardless, by doing some of the frankly appalling things this post suggests you run the risk of ruining your relationship with your child forever.

So intersex people don’t exist in your version of ‘facts’.

@ReneBumsWombats she is getting better at understanding that it isn't what she has been led to believe. I see a marked change in her over the last year. She has disagreed with some online friends and she was shouted down. Now she discusses it with me asks me what I think. I have been attacked on MN for questioning her stance but I can't just roll over.
My BFF was gay for twenty years and has recently changed her mind. I think that has been helpful. Also DC has had help for her MH struggles.
She did say the Scottish person claiming a new gender was bollocks. It made my feminist heart sing.

I would have a discussion about what she thinks it all means...maybe ask her to explain it so you can understand. Once you have a handle on it, you will have some possibilities to explore. By that, I simply mean has she thought about how she is going to dress or is that not a problem?

However, the name issue is silly - lots of children are known by one name with friends but their "real name" at home, for example Tash instead of Natasha, or a play on the surname (for example, Jarvis to Jarvo but called Andrew at home). Stick to your guns about the legal name. Take a firm line with that, but point out that her friends can use the name she has chosen.

Also, speak to the head of year to address this toilet/changing room issue. A 13 year old girl needs a lot of help around many girly issues as it is! I mean, periods? This part of the issue seems wrong! Surely no head teacher will throw a 13 year old girl in with the lads?

They don't exist at all. People with a difference of sexual development do. And they are all male or female, just with a variation along the line of development.

They're also mightily sick of being exploited in the desperate attempt to erase sex as a concept. Many of them are very offended by it.

So intersex people don’t exist in your version of ‘facts’.

Intersex is not the correct term. People can have disorders of sexual developments DSDs, but all of those with DSDs are either male or female, though there many be disruptions in how their sex markers have developed.