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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to not accept childs new name

376 replies

PeskyPenguin · 13/03/2023 20:06

My eldest, 13 year old girl has a longish girls name with lots of options for shortening and nicknames.

They told me yesterday that they are non binary and would like to be referred to as they them. Whatever, ok.

Then they tell me that they want to change their name, to another long girls name.

I don't get it. Surely the point of changing a name is to be less feminine?

Their response is "it's just a name I like more"

Well tough? Not everyone likes their name, but that is your name??

They went to a youth group night. And I said to the the leader "I'm here to collect X" and they corrected me and said their new name.

So I was already miffed as I told them we need time and to think about this and to maybe test it out with friends. I don't like being corrected about my child's name at pick up.

They get in the car and ask when I'm going to tell school their new name and that they can't use the female toilets or changing rooms anymore.......

Help me understand or tell me I'm not going crazy to still call them their "dead name" according to them.

OP posts:
OldSkoolLikeHappyShopper · 14/03/2023 00:42

When I was a teenager in the 90s, the way people tested their identity boundaries was to come out as gay or bi. It was quite the thing. Now of course homosexuality exists, but very few of those I knew who spent their teenage years living their life that way ‘stayed gay’ IME. They got to their early twenties and packed it in and are now happily married or in a LTR to someone of the opposite sex. Harmless, teenage exploration. But what’s concerning with all this gender bollocks is that it’s not much good getting to your twenties and ‘growing out of it’, when you’ve been pumped full of hormones or even worse had surgery and are minus your tits or cock.

NatashaDancing · 14/03/2023 00:48

Correcting myself.They can't change it legally until they are 16 but why not play around with a different name or names until then. Try some out, see if they fit.

I really don't see what the big deal is about using a name the child prefers over one the parent picked.

DidyouNO · 14/03/2023 00:55

ScreamingInfidelities · 13/03/2023 20:09

I know it’s not PC to say so but I’m a secondary teacher and I’m so sick this absolute bullshit. It’s attention seeking nonsense.

I absolutely agree with this.

FictionalCharacter · 14/03/2023 00:56

Jackandjamie · 13/03/2023 20:35

This sounds like a power trip from a child going through the usual teenage rebellion stage except now the worlds gone mad and some adults are agreeing. I’d tell her she can change her name when she’s 16 by deed poll and until then, you’ll call her by her legal name. The ‘they/them’ thing is getting out of hand and is genuinely just a trend in high school at this point.

I completely agree, and unfortunately some of the adults who are agreeing are doing it because their employers compel them to. Teachers and scout leaders for example. Policies now are that they must immediately start calling the child by their new name and pronouns. And not tell the parents if the child doesn’t want them to.

sashh · 14/03/2023 01:44

I saw this earlier today, apparently it is 4 years old. Whilst it isn't directly about 'non binary' but sums things up about woke.

missliberty.com/overly-woke-support-group-with-tracey-ullman/

OP

You are the adult.

Your job is to guide and protect your DD. This is what you are doing.

Keep her name, tell her that you will support her but not allow any permeant changes until she is an adult.

Talk to her about why same sex spaces exist and why she needs to continue to use them.

Motherofalittledragon · 14/03/2023 02:18

ScreamingInfidelities · 13/03/2023 20:09

I know it’s not PC to say so but I’m a secondary teacher and I’m so sick this absolute bullshit. It’s attention seeking nonsense.

Well said, completely agree!

bridgetreilly · 14/03/2023 02:21

@Marchsnowstorms So he’s 13 now. Has he started getting periods or developing breasts? No? Because if he’s a girl and that doesn’t start in the next year or two, he’ll need to see a doctor. Who, one hopes, will explain gently but fimly that he is deluded.

TeaAndTattoos · 14/03/2023 02:24

YANBU I’m sick of all this attention seeking ridiculous nonsense now.

AussieMozzieMagnet · 14/03/2023 02:37

Nip this rubbish in the bud right now. It's not only attention seeking, it's dangerous mentally and is the deathknell for family cohesion. Where is your daughter picking up all this nonsense? I'd stop the youth group too. They sound like they may not be a good influence.

Josette77 · 14/03/2023 02:38

OldSkoolLikeHappyShopper · 14/03/2023 00:42

When I was a teenager in the 90s, the way people tested their identity boundaries was to come out as gay or bi. It was quite the thing. Now of course homosexuality exists, but very few of those I knew who spent their teenage years living their life that way ‘stayed gay’ IME. They got to their early twenties and packed it in and are now happily married or in a LTR to someone of the opposite sex. Harmless, teenage exploration. But what’s concerning with all this gender bollocks is that it’s not much good getting to your twenties and ‘growing out of it’, when you’ve been pumped full of hormones or even worse had surgery and are minus your tits or cock.

I was bi in the 90's and it was awful. Not cool at all.

user1477391263 · 14/03/2023 03:05

I’d think carefully about this youth group, for a start. It sounds like they are challenging your authority and indulging the kids in what is basically a bunch of fucking crap.

So glad the tide is finally, slowly starting to turn, at least in the UK and mainland Europe. A few years ago, this thread would have been full of posters squeaking about “TRANSPHOBES!!! YOU ARE LITERALLY MURDERING ALL THE LBGQABCDEFGH CHILDREN!”

Dayvi · 14/03/2023 03:16

The 'they' 'them' all through that op makes what you're saying virtually unreadable to me. Initially I thought you were talking about a group of people, but you're not, are you...

user1492757084 · 14/03/2023 03:30

Take it slow. It is so usual for teens to feel mixed up.
Refer to them by their normal name or nick name until they can legally change it at eighteen.
Lots of love and care and calm talking.
An adventure or three with Mum and friends is not a bad idea too - just to experience lots of different types of women coping successfully as they were born to be.

Tekkentime · 14/03/2023 03:58

Tell her you don't identify as being called mum anymore and for her to refer to you as something else.

Tell her you can't do all the mum things you used to do as you're a non-mum trapped in a mum's body 😂

ImustLearn2Cook · 14/03/2023 05:01

Tekkentime · 14/03/2023 03:58

Tell her you don't identify as being called mum anymore and for her to refer to you as something else.

Tell her you can't do all the mum things you used to do as you're a non-mum trapped in a mum's body 😂

Yes! Tell her that you identify as a queen. She must refer to you as Your Majesty and she must curtsy whenever you are in the room 🤴

TheOriginalEmu · 14/03/2023 05:05

PeskyPenguin · 13/03/2023 20:06

My eldest, 13 year old girl has a longish girls name with lots of options for shortening and nicknames.

They told me yesterday that they are non binary and would like to be referred to as they them. Whatever, ok.

Then they tell me that they want to change their name, to another long girls name.

I don't get it. Surely the point of changing a name is to be less feminine?

Their response is "it's just a name I like more"

Well tough? Not everyone likes their name, but that is your name??

They went to a youth group night. And I said to the the leader "I'm here to collect X" and they corrected me and said their new name.

So I was already miffed as I told them we need time and to think about this and to maybe test it out with friends. I don't like being corrected about my child's name at pick up.

They get in the car and ask when I'm going to tell school their new name and that they can't use the female toilets or changing rooms anymore.......

Help me understand or tell me I'm not going crazy to still call them their "dead name" according to them.

You’re unreasonable because whatever you think or feel, this isn’t about you. It’s just a name. The other stuff it’s fine to ask them to calm down on but you have to give them something. Unless you want to drive a wedge between you.

Thepossibility · 14/03/2023 05:16

In my day the attention seeking kids were goths.
My younger sister had emos.
Now we have this.
I like the call me Papa-dude or Princess Banana wotsit instead of Mum road. I wouldn't battle her on it, that gives the issue too much power.

Crutcher · 14/03/2023 05:30

Sorry but once you indulge her lunacy with the pronouns, it follows logically that she can dictate the rest. Stop being led by a pubescent teen.

BruceAndNosh · 14/03/2023 05:33

Oh for the easier time of my schooldays when the fad we all did to make ourselves special and unique was to fashion our school ties with a very short fat end and a very long skinny one.

Blueblell · 14/03/2023 05:35

Nip this in the bud. Tell the youth leader that you haven’t given your child permission to change her name yet.

Obviously it is all nonsense and as a society we have let this happen. But I think you have to focus on why your DD wants to do this and talk it through. They obviously feel they want to be different and that is what you have to get to the bottom of.

bellotorino · 14/03/2023 05:49

Tell her you want to be referred to as dad and get her dad to demand being referred to as mum.

She will muck up this one because she'll have to get through head gymnastics to adhere to this demand, then you can have an almighty strop when she gets it wrong.

Obviously I'm not serious.

WiddlinDiddlin · 14/03/2023 05:52

I do believe people can be born in the wrong body...

I do not believe that the numbers of kids, coincidentally deciding they are non-binary, at the same time their bodies are going through huge changes, where their brains are not yet fully developed, and their sense of self and identity is a big deal... are ALL experiencing that.

I do think you need to tread carefully though - teenagers attention seek, thats not because they're bad people, it is because they are teenagers and thats generally pretty hard going (and we do make it harder in a variety of ways).

If you make this your hill to die on, you give them the drama and chaos they quite probably expect and are seeking.

A disinterested 'yes dear' to the name.

A 'Ok, well you speak to your head of year, and you find out which toilets you can use and what they need from me re: name change and come back to me with that information...' - hand back the ball, firmly in their court to sort out.

I wouldn't start any flat out 'no way' until or unless they get to trying to make irreversible changes to themselves.

slashlover · 14/03/2023 05:56

Are you planning to return to your one and only post @PeskyPenguin

Robin2008 · 14/03/2023 06:20

Came here to say the same thing!!

EmmaDilemma5 · 14/03/2023 06:25

I'd be insisting that you have family counseling before you're prepared to change anything. I'd want to know her rationale, where this is all come from and be confident she knows the ramifications.

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