AIBU to not accept childs new name

[PeskyPenguin]

My eldest, 13 year old girl has a longish girls name with lots of options for shortening and nicknames.

They told me yesterday that they are non binary and would like to be referred to as they them. Whatever, ok.

Then they tell me that they want to change their name, to another long girls name.

I don't get it. Surely the point of changing a name is to be less feminine?

Their response is "it's just a name I like more"

Well tough? Not everyone likes their name, but that is your name??

They went to a youth group night. And I said to the the leader "I'm here to collect X" and they corrected me and said their new name.

So I was already miffed as I told them we need time and to think about this and to maybe test it out with friends. I don't like being corrected about my child's name at pick up.

They get in the car and ask when I'm going to tell school their new name and that they can't use the female toilets or changing rooms anymore.......

Help me understand or tell me I'm not going crazy to still call them their "dead name" according to them.

Unfortunately, me too! I have four teens - one decided she was gay at 13 (and now at 17 has a boyfriend and wonders what she was thinking) and another thought he was bi, then gay, now he’s straight again (at 16).

DD has two trans friends, although she’s distanced herself from that group now, and we are currently dealing with bullying towards DS from his former friend who is a lesbian and a school avoider, along with her trans friend.

It just tells me that they are fundamentally unhappy with something in their lives and projecting it onto LGBT issues because it seems like schools teach that this must be the source of all of their problems…

Agree Minfilia

Source of their problems and an easy route to being celebrated and obtaining a weird power to trip up and punish teachers, parents and peers.

This is the current language through which teens communicate distress. To discover they can make words and systems change around them must be intoxicating.

she cant explain why she wants to change says it all really

why doesnt she go and ask sam smith

Great comments on this thread. Long overdue for us all to speak out and protect our children from this dangerous nonsense.

Or [door] KNOB.

No offence meant. I just had to say it.

Up until recently my teen had a group of six friends. Out of the seven in the group 5 were trans.

Some changed their names every month.

All with very fragile mental health which revolved around who had been treated the worst that week by old friends, parents etc.

They often create neural spaces & seperate toilets

Our school has a snowflake toilet - my apologies, a non binary one.

Absolute farce.

And yet, every time even a 'goady' thread is posted here in AIBU, it shows those posters who are constantly telling other posters that their opinions are in the 'extreme minority' or that they are just six posters with many sock accounts on the feminist board what the majority of the population in the UK really believe.

And it is not that people can change sex. Just as it is not that all the 'young people' are wonderfully tolerant and that in the end 'gender' will be prioritised above sex where it matters.

I understand that you sick of hearing about it. I suggest though that you just scroll on by in that case. Because every time a thread like this appears in AIBU more and more new posters share their thoughts. Some of these have not articulated these thoughts anywhere else.

Because, that group of people that declare themselves to be wonderfully tolerant seem to have attributed the exact opposite meaning to the word 'tolerant'. And so many of their allies are really keen to claim that word too and come on and attempt to shame posters.

Threads like these do provide an outlet for other posters. Even if the OP doesn't come back.

One aspect which concerns me is that in adolescence young people are looking for their tribe as they move from childhood and home into adulthood. Think Goths, Mods, hippies. Transgender is a tribe identity. Fine if that is the young person's true self, possibly very damaging if not.

So, your advice to this parent is to watch a biased show? One that probably doesn't reflect reality?

What about the numerous expert clinicians who are now stating that even social transition is not a 'neutral act' and can lead a child into making decisions that are harmful to them?

Have you, personally, ever read the evidence and the expert opinion? Or are just coming at it from a 'go along with it' point of view.

I think if my kids ever try this nonsense I am going to go Phoebe Buffet on them!

They can change their name but I'll also be changing mine to "Princess Consuela Banana-Hammock"

Seriously this shit has gone too far and needs to be stopped. My Y5 had a classmate decide they were no longer "Abbey" but were now "Andy" - the kids were all informed of this without the parents knowledge and consent and of course the kid was back to being Abbey within the week.

I have huge sympathy for anyone who is truly struggling with their gender identitybut enough already.

Abbey / Andy aren't real names.

I think YABVU over the name change given this - sounds like it's been on their mind for a long time. As PP said, they're of an age now where they can express that they don't like their name and change it - and given that it's another feminine name, it doesn't even seem that connected to their gender identity. So I think YABU on that, frankly.

On them being NB... well, that's your choice. But don't make the name the hill to die on because you're much more likely to have a good, open dialogue with your child if you show that you can meet them halfway on things that are important to them and don't have negative impacts elsewhere (like a completely innocuous name change) so that you don't just look like the Big Bad when it comes to deeper stuff.

YANBU and I'd be asking the youth group leader what his/her qualifications are for interferring in such a complex situation. The Cass review into treatment for gender issues said that tsocail transition (name and pronoun change etc) is not a neutral act. Get some help and advice from Transgender Trend or Bayswater Parents Group.

www.transgendertrend.com/

www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Tell your child you hear what they are saying but that you both need more time and more information. Insist on going slowly. And if the child wants to name change from one feminine name to another I would suggest that you say only if we do it legally and after a cooling off period of 6 or 12 months and then ask the child to do the research on how by deed poll and then make her pay for the legal stuff. Then say you'll tell school after that! Try and separate the name stuff from the gender stuff.

I imagine due to congruence. I've been in this situation before and generally most Youth Workers will go along with how the young person presents themselves and see it as the young persons choice. It feels wrong to use one name infront of the young person and another with their parents when they've maybe expressed feeling very betrayed that others are still using a name or gender they no longer are using and they they describe as being hurtful. I think it puts Teachers and Youth Workers etc in a really difficult position in the middle of two opposing views - that's tricky to navigate. Usually in that scenario Youth workers will defer to what the child has asked them to do given that it's a child led approach to practice. Again I wouldn't personally correct a parent outright, but I would still be careful about using terms a young person wouldn't want me to use because if they overheard or read it in a text for example or the parents goes home and says even lavender calls you x, then that could ruin that professional relationship and you'd lose any trust that young person gave you to take them seriously. I think that's maybe been where the youth worker is coming from. I do think the tone in which they answered op matters but that's very subjective.

It feels wrong to use one name infront of the young person and another with their parents when they've maybe expressed feeling very betrayed that others are still using a name or gender they no longer are using and they they describe as being hurtful.

Surely you come to a point in life where you don't have to be that credulous, though? Like, after you've heard that story five times, doesn't your patience wear thin?

For me, no because that's where that child is at, at that time. They could go on to change their mind or be more certain in how they feel but to me what matters is supporting them and making sure they don't feel alone while they figure that out. I think young people now have a lot more information in general than I certainly had growing up and I think a lot of them feel a lot of pressure to have a fully formulated identity much earlier than I would have at the same age and I think no matter what your take on it is, that's tough for a child to navigate. So I think giving them time, acceptance and unconditional care is the best thing you can do.

Besides you don't always need to fully believe something to be supportive. For example, I have worked with a number of young people who lie. I mean blatantly lie. As in things I know they know I know to be complete fiction. And it serves no purpose whatsoever to get into a 'no you don't/ yes I do' debate. Best thing to do is accept that's what they're telling me right now. This is where they are at right now. Doesn't mean I believe they once had a pet lion, but I believe they are telling me they once had a pet lion and right now they feel the need to tell me a story. So I accept that the rest is for them to figure out I just need to make sure they know I'm a safe sounding board and no matter what they tell me I will take them seriously as a person and value them regardless. I don't think it needs to be as confrontational as some on this thread would suggest.

I have no training in working with young people and I don't do it so I don't know but I can just imagine rolling my eyes when I hear sob stories from teenagers about how their parents are hurting them so awfully by not accepting that they now want to be called Beauregard Nightstar (he/him) or whatever so please don't tell Mummy who is still calling me Alice (she/her), the awful bigot.

And it serves no purpose whatsoever to get into a 'no you don't/ yes I do' debate. Best thing to do is accept that's what they're telling me right now.

But in this case, that 'acceptance' has a range of consequences that you may not totally understand. You will probably not have much of a role to play in the fall out of them either.

I brought up my cousin's child earlier. Her story will have started with someone like you 'affirming' her by using male pronouns. That person probably didn't have a huge amount of knowledge of what that could lead to. Or the vast over-representation of gay and autistic girls identifying as trans and how that should be dealt with. It was a hugely complex situation they were wading into.

What they did was not a neutral act and down the line, it resulted in medicalisation and hormone treatment, which my niece now hugely regrets.

My cousin (her mother) is picking up all these pieces now. Those people who 'accepted' and 'affirmed' and started this process off are, of course, nowhere.

That's what the Cass report talks about with regards to social transitioning. It can have major consequences.

I do understand that, but to me if you are a safe sounding board it's easier to discuss those risks with the young person, encourage them to get really good quality counselling to help them process their feelings and thoughts and help them decide if they might be better waiting to make any major changes that might have longer term consequences for them. I think they'd be less likely to dismiss you as transphobic and plow on ahead anyways. I've seen parents go down that route and most of those kids are nc with their families now which is really sad. I don't think that parents should act out of fear of that but I also think is there not something inherently harmful in telling a young person that you know more of their feelings, identity and bodily autonomy than they do. Obviously as an adult you've a more fully formed understanding of the world but i think its harmful to tell your child that you don't trust them or their ability to understand themselves. In not sure that there's a perfect answer here to be honest and it really does depend on a case by case basis which is why I think a middle tactful path is maybe the easiest one to navigate picking your battles as you go. I think op probably knows best because they know their child. I don't think anyone can make a blanket statement on what is right or wrong for anyone. And hindsight is 20/20 as we all know. Nobody wants to see any young person come to harm or make a decision they deeply regret but there also comes a time (as they get older) when you need to trust your child as well.

Thank you @Lavender14 for your posts here - they are very thoughtful and insightful. I'll be coming back to them if this situation ever arises for me.

Thank you everyone.

I think we need to look at some family counselling.

I'm happy they felt safe to come to me first with this. I want them to keep feeling safe and heard.

I've lost a nephew to suicide, so I am scared of hurting their mental health if using different pronouns matters that much, I'll use them.

I will read the cass report though.

The name thing, I think I need to accept my own issues are there too. They are named after my deceased mum, and it's a biblical name we believe God gave us. It was a very special name.

You've really helped me look at this from lots of different perspectives and work out what's important to me and what isn't, thank you!

Reverting back to usual username and won't be back on this thread. Thanks again.

And do you think that at 13, the OPs daughter knows that they are non-binary and what that means?

Sheesh - so much antagonism - for current teens it's social suicide to be hetero, non-binary is not about grils wanting to be boys - it's just keeping their options open! (IMHO non-binary is better than the 'punk' movement of my youth!