To have not been effusive when colleague was waving her engagement ring around

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

Just been taken to task by a colleague for failing to be sufficiently excited when another colleague told us she had just got engaged and was waving a medium-sized rock around the office.

The colleague who has just got engaged has been with her partner for about seven years and on two separate occasions has been in tears at work parties because of his behaviour (on one of these he accused her of going out because she was trying to sleep with other men). She has previously said they usually sleep in separate bedrooms, she has thought of leaving him and he refuses on principle to do anything social with her at all and has no interest in doing anything other than watching rugby. In short, he sounds like a world-class arse and she could certainly do better.

She was showing people the ring and everyone was gushing over it and saying how happy she must be etc. A couple of the other girls made comments along the lines of "wait until I go home and show Bob/John the pictures".

Full disclosure I find the whole business of engagement and engagement rings pointless and utterly embarrassing at the best of times. If you want to get married, get married but this ridiculous charade of having to be asked by the man and having to have an expensive ring to wave around as a badge of honour is just cringe. In the best of situations I find the business naff but I'm very happy to overlook it if the people getting married are happy.

But I know for a fact that this is not a happy relationship and simpering over this was more than I could bear. So I gave a peremptory nod, said "congratulations, very exciting" and wandered off, leaving the rest of them talking about the ring for a further 20 minutes. Much later on someone took me aside and said it had been noted that I was lacking in enthusiasm around the engagement and why had I felt it necessary to be this unpleasant?

I honestly don't understand why it should be mandatory to be interested in the engagements of people you don't know all that well in the first place but particularly when everyone knows they aren't well matched. I won't be rude and I wasn't rude, but why should I pretend to be overjoyed?

Perhaps talk to the colleague concerned, quietly and express your wish not to be a hypocrite. Or say you have real concerns.

Your response was a polite one and honest. I'd rather work with you than with people who are fake.

Are you married op?

I don't really understand what more was expected from you?

I'm engaged
Congratulations

All move on with the rest of our day🤷🏽‍♀️

People are generally quite shallow.

It sounds like you were rude tbh. It wouldn't have cost you anything to fake a smile and pretend to be interested for two minutes.

I don't really understand the excitement generally around diamonds or getting married tbh, so I usually just politely fake interest. I don't think people should be required to react in a certain way and told off if they don't , though 😳

This.

It sounds like you were maybe a little terse, but I don't think you should have been taken aside and talked to about it. If you don't know her that well, which you've said you don't, how much excitement can you have anyway?

I'd think the same as you, OP, but there is an expectation to gush over these things in the office culture most of us have to work in too.

I married a twat the first time round and part of the reason I stayed was people's expectations. OP might not be appreciated now, but wait 5 years and she might be.

You clearly came across to several people who witnessed it as rude. If you didn’t want or intend to be rude, apologise to the colleague and say so.

I can’t stand babies, but if a colleague brought theirs in I’d manage to find it in me to give it “a peremptory nod” and wander off, unless I didn’t care about being thought rude.

I never mentioned being engaged at work, a colleague noticed the ring maybe 3 days after it happened and called me a weirdo (jokingly) for not saying anything. I think it’s a private matter, but I suppose others can see it differently and I’d fake enthusiasm for 2 minutes if it makes their day better.

Just been taken to task by a colleague for failing to be sufficiently excited when another colleague told us she had just got engaged

I'd be telling this colleague, quite firmly, that how you respond to anything is none of their fucking business.

Judging by the tone of your post and the borderline ranting I'd be surprised if you managed to contain your disdain as well as you think you did

Having said that, you're not required to say and do anything no, but it is just manners and makes thinks nice for everything.

How does that link to this?

I'd have reacted similarly (and I'm actually happily married).

Sounds like a toxic, clichey, "best friends" type workplace

You sound like a misery guts, and it’s pretty clear you were rude. Totally your choice to be rude, but I don’t blame the colleague for calling you out on it either.

Gosh - another thread about someone not being enthusiastic about a friends' unpromising marriage!

There must be a lot of it about

But it's all bollox

I kind of agree with you about engagements rings but you don't half know a lot about this collageaue's personal life considering she clearly isn't a friend

Not being "sufficiently excited" or effusive does not mean being unmannerly.

For someone to have noticed so much to ask to mention it to you and added to the tone of your post I'd guess you made it quite clear what your feelings were

What has that to do with anything?

Did you say “very exciting”’ in a sarcastic way? If so then that was pretty bitchy.