To have not been effusive when colleague was waving her engagement ring around

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

Just been taken to task by a colleague for failing to be sufficiently excited when another colleague told us she had just got engaged and was waving a medium-sized rock around the office.

The colleague who has just got engaged has been with her partner for about seven years and on two separate occasions has been in tears at work parties because of his behaviour (on one of these he accused her of going out because she was trying to sleep with other men). She has previously said they usually sleep in separate bedrooms, she has thought of leaving him and he refuses on principle to do anything social with her at all and has no interest in doing anything other than watching rugby. In short, he sounds like a world-class arse and she could certainly do better.

She was showing people the ring and everyone was gushing over it and saying how happy she must be etc. A couple of the other girls made comments along the lines of "wait until I go home and show Bob/John the pictures".

Full disclosure I find the whole business of engagement and engagement rings pointless and utterly embarrassing at the best of times. If you want to get married, get married but this ridiculous charade of having to be asked by the man and having to have an expensive ring to wave around as a badge of honour is just cringe. In the best of situations I find the business naff but I'm very happy to overlook it if the people getting married are happy.

But I know for a fact that this is not a happy relationship and simpering over this was more than I could bear. So I gave a peremptory nod, said "congratulations, very exciting" and wandered off, leaving the rest of them talking about the ring for a further 20 minutes. Much later on someone took me aside and said it had been noted that I was lacking in enthusiasm around the engagement and why had I felt it necessary to be this unpleasant?

I honestly don't understand why it should be mandatory to be interested in the engagements of people you don't know all that well in the first place but particularly when everyone knows they aren't well matched. I won't be rude and I wasn't rude, but why should I pretend to be overjoyed?

I agree, what you said sounds fine to me and I don't understand what more you were expected to do. Were there any men in the office and if so were they fawning over the ring for 20 minutes too?

In the scenario I mentioned the guys in the office did join in!

It's a bit like when someone gives yet another account of their nightmare commute in from the suburbs - it can get tedious but a workplace has to be a bit of give and take.

I’m with you @Thelaughingtonepoliceman you’ll all be wiping her snot and tears again soon.

Much later on someone took me aside and said it had been noted that I was lacking in enthusiasm around the engagement and why had I felt it necessary to be this unpleasant?

You said "congratulations, very exciting" in response to the news - who was the person taking you aside and what response had they been expecting?

I'm polite but don't gush over co-workers news nor wish to involve them in my private life beyond small talk - so did you come over wrongly when you congratulated because it doesn't really make sense you'd be taken aside otherwise.

OP I like the sound of you.

Why should anyone be expected to squeal like an idiot over something they couldn't give two shits about? I bet male colleagues weren't expected to clap like seals, but OP wasn't womanning properly or something.

Did you not read the part when I posted the exact definition that you’ve just described as “a little clearer”? I posted that.

I've never seen anyone fussing over engagement ring and engagement longer than 5 minutes, especially in the office. It's weird and probably wouldn't join the crowd too.

I'm with you on this one. This sounds like a way to pacify her. I'd be interested to know how much she talked about the upcoming wedding.
If its just your colleague who's mentioned this to you tell her you'll do you. Even if I was pleased for the person I'd have no interest in your ring (I don't wanna see your swatches for bridesmaids dresses or your baby scan). If it's engaged girl I'd ask every week how the wedding plans are going. I doubt she's engaged. She just has a ring.

Well then its even less comprehensible why you are so badly misunderstanding what the word 'bitter' means and keep referring to definitions that aren't saying what you claim they are.

I'm 15 years married, happily so, and yes, I do wear my engagement ring. And I -without resorting to passive aggression and the perennial Mumsnet injured, innocent protestation 'but I don't understaaaaaaand' - can completely see what would make any woman feel this way.

When I go to work I want to work. I don't want to be interrupted periodically by chit-chat about people's private lives. It's also exasperating (especially in the workplace, in which women are living a reasonably independent existence), to encounter the still-pervasive attitude that the zenith of a woman's life achievement is the ability to get (and keep) a man. In context, it would be a lot more exciting to celebrate a colleague's significant promotion. The OP congratulated her. What else did she expect? Flowers? A fanfare, perhaps?

Cue the similar attitude emanating from the above post - the one calculated to keep those difficult, non-conforming women in their box - in the form of that condescending mock-sympathy that the poor darlings must be desperately miserable, have been ill-treated in some way, or are (unwillingly) divorced, is transparent. The above post reeks of this patrony, and a quaint adherence to Byron's old dictum 'man's love is of man's life a thing apart, 'tis woman's whole existence'.

Most women these days would laugh at this, along with the notion that the rest of us spend our lives until that pivotal moment just waiting for a ring.

Bet some of the jumped-up upstarts dare to keep their OWN surnames rather than becoming adjuncts to their husbands' identities, too. Bitches.

NB. OP, YA emphatically not BU.

There’s a huge difference between thinking acquiring an engagement ring is the pinnacle of a woman’s achievements and saying “Nice ring, hope you’ll be very happy”. It costs nothing.

YANBU

It may be the social convention, but it's a stupid social convention when everyone is aware of the terrible relationship elephant in the room while they gush and coo about the engagement to the unpleasant "partner".

I felt similar recently when a long time acquaintance who openly and frequently complains about how hard she finds parenting and how much she longs to "get herself back", how she can't cope, can't leave the house with both her toddlers on her own, wasn't cut out for this etc. announced breezily to the same group of us she always says all this that she and her husband have "decided to ttc again". Not that she's pregnant (with making the best of an unplanned situation being the subtext, in which case of course support is the right response) but that they've decided to ttc. WTF was my internal response and I said "really?" 😳 Everyone else gushed and congratulated. WTF.

If there's still ample time to back out of an awful and far reaching life choice why do we have to gush and congratulate and encourage colleagues/ long term acquaintances who know we know they're announcing their intention to turn their life into/ commit to a metaphorical car crash?

That is more or less what I did.

'Not that she's pregnant (with making the best of an unplanned situation being the subtext, in which case of course support is the right response) but that they've decided to ttc.'

Mortified for her. Why do you, why does ANYONE, need to know that her and her husband are shagging regularly with a view to having another baby? Dear god, the attention seeking is just endless 🤦🏻‍♂️

Whilst I completely get your sentiments I wonder if you did come across as a bit dismissive or rude. Not that anyone needed to take you to task about it.

OP said: 'Congratulations, very exciting'.

It's the demand for more effusive gushing and criticism for not being sufficiently 'excited' that's truly odd, not the OP's perfectly polite response.

How exciting can a colleague's engagement possibly be?

What you said sounded fine. I don’t know why some posters on here think you should have done more🤷‍♀️ Before I had kids someone came to the office with their new baby, everyone was gushing and holding it but I was just more oh very nice how lovely and declined to hold it. It’s not rude it’s just being your true, authentic self as people like to say nowadays - especially the ‘bring your authentic self to work’ mantra that’s popular now.

Is it important for career development for you to get along with these people and not be seen as rude? If so, get a congratulations card and some chocs or something and smooth things out. If not, then who gives one.

You said congratulations! Don’t know what the fuss is about. You did nothing wrong.

You acted very politely. You walked away rather than sitting there telling her she’s being an idiot for marrying such an A-hole.

I love a wedding and am genuinely excited when people get engaged, but I don’t expect everyone to act exactly the same way as me!

your lukewarm reaction have been justified even without the back story.

'especially the ‘bring your authentic self to work’ mantra that’s popular now.'

Exactly! Those of us who think that engagement rings are pointless and embarrassing should be 'included' at work too 😂

But why ? Why are people such hypocrites the guy sounds a total twat what’s to be happy about

sounds like OP just isn’t a hypocrite

Cue the similar attitude emanating from the above post - the one calculated to keep those difficult, non-conforming women in their box - in the form of that condescending mock-sympathy that the poor darlings must be desperately miserable, have been ill-treated in some way, or are (unwillingly) divorced, is transparent. The above post reeks of this patrony, and a quaint adherence to Byron's old dictum 'man's love is of man's life a thing apart, 'tis woman's whole existence'.

Quite. I'm fully prepared to take on the chin that I might be a bit insensitive or lacking in diplomacy. It's not necessarily my greatest skillset and although I genuinely did try I didn't want to make a herculean effort in this instance.

But I do find it hilarious that if you question the appropriateness of gushing over a woman getting engaged there's an immediate kneejerk to the assumption that "bitterness" and "jealousy" are the only possible motives. It assumes that there is nothing else in women's lives which motivates them beyond wanting to catch and keep a man or wanting to make other women feel that you have sufficient status. It's a very limiting way to look at the world.

YANBU at all and you shouldn’t have been taken to task for it. I’d speak to your manager or HR and say forced participation in other people’s life events is not a reasonable expectation at work.

Because it’s the oil that keeps superficial relationships running smoothly. It costs nothing. Just because you think something you don’t have to say it.