To have not been effusive when colleague was waving her engagement ring around

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

Just been taken to task by a colleague for failing to be sufficiently excited when another colleague told us she had just got engaged and was waving a medium-sized rock around the office.

The colleague who has just got engaged has been with her partner for about seven years and on two separate occasions has been in tears at work parties because of his behaviour (on one of these he accused her of going out because she was trying to sleep with other men). She has previously said they usually sleep in separate bedrooms, she has thought of leaving him and he refuses on principle to do anything social with her at all and has no interest in doing anything other than watching rugby. In short, he sounds like a world-class arse and she could certainly do better.

She was showing people the ring and everyone was gushing over it and saying how happy she must be etc. A couple of the other girls made comments along the lines of "wait until I go home and show Bob/John the pictures".

Full disclosure I find the whole business of engagement and engagement rings pointless and utterly embarrassing at the best of times. If you want to get married, get married but this ridiculous charade of having to be asked by the man and having to have an expensive ring to wave around as a badge of honour is just cringe. In the best of situations I find the business naff but I'm very happy to overlook it if the people getting married are happy.

But I know for a fact that this is not a happy relationship and simpering over this was more than I could bear. So I gave a peremptory nod, said "congratulations, very exciting" and wandered off, leaving the rest of them talking about the ring for a further 20 minutes. Much later on someone took me aside and said it had been noted that I was lacking in enthusiasm around the engagement and why had I felt it necessary to be this unpleasant?

I honestly don't understand why it should be mandatory to be interested in the engagements of people you don't know all that well in the first place but particularly when everyone knows they aren't well matched. I won't be rude and I wasn't rude, but why should I pretend to be overjoyed?

This. The tone of you post is a bit dismissive so maybe this came across when you commented and left the conversation about the ring.

I don’t think you should have to be over enthusiastic though or that anyone should have spoken to you about it.

so long as your are happy to receive the same in response if you have something to share at work.

Oh god OP I am with you. This crap and some of the crazy responses are why I am glad I wfh. I can't be bothered with this kind of shit.

I don’t think you know what psychoanalysis means…like you don’t know what bitter means either.

You clearly weren’t polite. That’s the point. The only people on this thread agreeing with you are the ones who are saying they would also not being jumping and down. Yet, given that percentage of people who feel that way, it’s one hell of a coincidence you’re the one getting called out.

You weren’t being called out for a lack of enthusiasm. You were called out for being unpleasant. You were bitchy and catty and nasty and judgemental and sarcastic. You can twist it whatever way you like but the reality is that you were unreasonable.

Keep convincing yourself you’re lovely though, tell your colleagues you were actually really lovely and I’m sure they’ll all agree (given that they witnessed it). Problem solved, right?

My goodness.
If he was calling your colleague “ A slut” fown the phone, she definitely should not be accepting this ring.

Women can buy their OWN diamonds, and not be shackled to a douchebag husband!
Sadly marriage is about the ring, the hen and the big day.

I don't give a flying fuck if other people choose to get married and my reaction to any engagement 'announcement' would demonstrate that.

@CanOfPop what can of crazy responses? I didnt see any, just some people saying yea she was rude...whats wrong with that?

I think from the way you have written your post, that you probably were ruder than you even think you were.

Ok… You were perfectly polite and pleasant but your colleagues who witnessed everything and saw exactly what happened and heard exactly what was said incorrectly think you were unpleasant? And it’s just a coincidence that you also happen to completely disapprove and make bitchy jibes about her in your OP. So, you were very pleasant at the time but people are falsely accusing you of not being pleasant and you’re being unpleasant now. What are the odds of that being true? 🙄

@Thelaughingtonepoliceman
“Nice diamond, shame about the geezer”
That’s what I’d be thinking.

I genuinely didn't say it in a sarcastic way. I said it in a friendly way, with a smile, and then walked off (I was busy)

I wasn't there of course, but if this is the case the rest is none of your colleague's business and I'd be tempted to tell them so

In a similar situation I'd have been enthusiastic about the ring itself - "Oh wow that's gorgeous" or whatever - so there was something to be positive about without focusing on the actual people. Even then you'd probably have been told "You didn't say congratulations!!" but you can't win 'em all

:@fairycakes1234 All this idea that she should stay and exclaim enormous enthusiasm over an engagement ring.

Bet you’re popular at work.

Literally no one has said that. They’ve just said that it’s highly unlikely that she was as polite as she’s claiming now if colleagues think she was rude - and she’s rude as hell on here too.

That's fine as long as you're prepared for no one else to give a flying fuck about anything you talk to them about. Which probably includes posting here.

Sometimes in a workplace you do have to fake it and go along with the oohing and aahing when colleagues are gushing about something or other, showing pictures of their children, dogs, new kitchen etc.

I worked with someone who was having sex with a colleague as late as a few days before her big wedding - still when the wedding album appeared a few weeks later everyone did the obligatory oohs and aahs!

@Westfacing are the men expected to do that over the wedding photos, or just the women?

Thinly veiled as sticking their nose in. People talk about their partners, great one min then the worst human ever the next.
The best thing to do is to say nothing and forget about it.
There are far too many people who take complaints as gospel, feeling this gives them carte blanche to then take delight in criticizing their relationships. Under the veil of being supportive.
Someone being engaged is sharing the good news. Congrats and all that.

'Full disclosure I find the whole business of engagement and engagement rings pointless and utterly embarrassing at the best of times. If you want to get married, get married but this ridiculous charade of having to be asked by the man and having to have an expensive ring to wave around as a badge of honour is just cringe.'

Absolutely with you on this

I can't believe that a colleague had the nerve to pull you up on 'not being excited enough'. Or something 🙄 not all of us are interested in shrieking and cooing over rings or weddings or babies. No one expects this shit from men - a smile and 'congratulations' and on with the rest of your day would be just fine if you were a bloke

So your colleague was well out of order if you ask me, and your newly engaged colleague sounds like she's in a right old mess with her relationship

OP you are being expected to perform femininity. No one will have expected the men to fake enthusiasm over a ring.

You've misunderstood the definition. @MzHz explains it well in her post.

Or if you read the examples given in the Cambridge dictionary you will see that these make it clear that the reference to the past given in the definition is referring to one's own past.
dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/bitter

The angle you are trying to impose doesn't really make intuitive sense and does not fit the definition given in the Cambridge definition, as they have made clear (for the avoidance of doubt) in their examples.

Its perhaps a little clearer in the Oxford language dictionary definition.
feeling or showing anger, hurt, or resentment because of bad experiences or a sense of unjust treatment

Op, I think I’m in love with you. You sound awesome, funny and frightfully bright. Would you do me the honour of being my new girl crush. 💍😘❤️

I can't believe that a colleague had the nerve to pull you up on 'not being excited enough'

Yup, OP’s unverified account of everyone else being irrational and psychic is pretty unbelievable.

'outdated vestige of a patriarchal era where a man "chose" a woman'? Er, women were not forced to marry men that proposed to them. They were free to reject also. So they were doing the choosing as much as men were. Your views on marriage are truly bizarre.

So glad I left this office scenario several years ago. Sounds like you work with a group of teenagers. We don't all get excited by the same stuff - and thankfully I don't get excited by engagement rings. (V happily married, no rings)

It seems a lot of people do care, in that they definitely want their disapproval or lack of interest to be perceived.

If you truly didn't give a shit, you'd act excited enough to fool people so they left you alone and didn't think about your reaction. A pointed or hostile response is not an apathetic one.