To have not been effusive when colleague was waving her engagement ring around

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

Just been taken to task by a colleague for failing to be sufficiently excited when another colleague told us she had just got engaged and was waving a medium-sized rock around the office.

The colleague who has just got engaged has been with her partner for about seven years and on two separate occasions has been in tears at work parties because of his behaviour (on one of these he accused her of going out because she was trying to sleep with other men). She has previously said they usually sleep in separate bedrooms, she has thought of leaving him and he refuses on principle to do anything social with her at all and has no interest in doing anything other than watching rugby. In short, he sounds like a world-class arse and she could certainly do better.

She was showing people the ring and everyone was gushing over it and saying how happy she must be etc. A couple of the other girls made comments along the lines of "wait until I go home and show Bob/John the pictures".

Full disclosure I find the whole business of engagement and engagement rings pointless and utterly embarrassing at the best of times. If you want to get married, get married but this ridiculous charade of having to be asked by the man and having to have an expensive ring to wave around as a badge of honour is just cringe. In the best of situations I find the business naff but I'm very happy to overlook it if the people getting married are happy.

But I know for a fact that this is not a happy relationship and simpering over this was more than I could bear. So I gave a peremptory nod, said "congratulations, very exciting" and wandered off, leaving the rest of them talking about the ring for a further 20 minutes. Much later on someone took me aside and said it had been noted that I was lacking in enthusiasm around the engagement and why had I felt it necessary to be this unpleasant?

I honestly don't understand why it should be mandatory to be interested in the engagements of people you don't know all that well in the first place but particularly when everyone knows they aren't well matched. I won't be rude and I wasn't rude, but why should I pretend to be overjoyed?

Twice then 🤷‍♀️ If a man made any woman I know cry in public twice with his thoughtless and hurtful behaviour I wouldn’t be think ‘this is going to be a great match’. It’s not the point of the thread though. The point of the thread is policing women and their responses. Which going by this thread is a hobby for many people.

Ahhh this made me laugh. That MUST be the answer!!

Im with you OP and I’m married. I don’t have an engagement ring because I didn’t want one. We decided to get married, as equals. I never referred to myself as engaged. It was still a beautiful conversation that I’ll always remember. I think waiting around for a proposal is cringeworthy. If you want to get married take control of the situation yourself!

Agree. Situations like this make me wish I were a man sometimes. No expectations of wooing and gushing!

People do cry in relationships, maybe unfortunately for her she did that at work.

You sound batshit. The only person who tried to bend someone to their will was the busybody colleague who tried to police the OP’s reaction.

I was engaged first and proposed to, I certainly wasn't waiting around. It was really funny and romantic but I'm not that self-conscious so didn't find it cringeworthy.

What year are you living in?!

@Thelaughingtonepoliceman this thread is WILD, OP. I feel like I’m on another planet sometimes.

Bitter, nasty, jealous, stalker, psycho. Maybe we should add in hysterical, spinster, lonely, deranged, hateful. Any others?

God knows why anyone would expect you to feign excitement about someone getting married to a twat. But clearly you should have done…

I am in two minds over this

I can be happy happy for people like 'tell me about your holiday?' Or 'was your honeymoon great?'

I will ask a few questions about a wedding but I just can't do 'girlie fake OMG your ring is fabulous' thing

A ring is personal and I find needing other people's approval on jewellery odd, I hope the wearer loves it but there is this weird the bigger the ring the move love is childish

How does the OP know others weren't feigning excitement. In an office you do just have the small talk moments with some colleagues and you are just reflecting their enthusiasm more or less. Not in my immediate office as my male colleagues wouldn't be brandishing any kind of engagement ring to gush over. I am wondering what the equivalent has been, probably top of the league on a chess app, I would certainly say that's great or if they talked about a date or something, I would just reflect that excitement as it is good manners. They have seen me cry and reassured me, actively asked if I'm ok the next day. They are kind men though so not dismissive or declaring me unprofessional the next day Outside of my immediate team I have to advise colleagues that may be women and yes, they have shared their good news, I've just been happy for them as frankly why wouldn't I be.

A week or so ago I started a thread about why so many women are married to total arses. This thread is a bit of an eye-opener as to one reason. The proposal, the ring, the engagement are still seen some kind of weird achievement -even if the man's a total arse. If your colleagues had any decency they's be trying to talk her out of marrying this man.

Frankly. You sound batshit.

That's a funny logic you have there, someone who has an engagement, a proposal and a ring equates to being with an awful man. I would say quite the opposite, as it is awful lot of effort, the lazy ones don't bother. How is it an 'achievement' to me that sounds like you are blaming women for this affront to feminism.

@Goldenbear I said 'even if the man's a total arse'. I didn't say everyone who gets engaged is marrying somebody awful!

Talk her out of it, isn't that overstepping boundaries somewhat. What should they do congratulate her, then all colleagues take her to the pub or a bar and spend the night pleading with her to change her mind. This is colleagues we are talking about right? Equally, it doesn't sound like the OP would be up for that seen as she cannot manage the enthusiasm to congratulate her.

He called her a slut and they all heard him. The fact they're now congratulating her gives me the shivers.

Why does she have to feign excitement? She doesn’t, no one is compelled to in any other scenario. I can’t imagine a group of men feigning excitement over a chess app win and of course that is in no way comparable in reality to someone getting engaged, which whatever your viewpoint is a life changing moment. The whole point is you wouldn’t expect male colleagues to get excited about an engagement but you would expect women and would fake it yourself to fit in. The OP shouldn’t be singled out because she doesn’t want to fake it and yes that is about the social conditioning of women. The OP did congratulate the woman, she did what manners dictated. You and others still don’t think that’s enough.

For the 900th time she did congratulate her

It’s mind blowing.

I’m not interested in about 3/4 of the shit my colleagues talk about but I appreciate that people are different, and I smile and ask them about their kids/ dogs/ partners etc because that is what halfway decent people do

@Thelaughingtonepoliceman I can understand your perspectives, for me even if I thought the relationship was heading for the rocks, I'd have joined in with the group for a bit, just on the off chance the relationship survives and it's a nice distraction for a bit

I'm not talking about the men in my office feigning the excitement about the chess app, I'm talking about me feigning the excitement, the men would be genuinely interested. If one of them was going on a date and they were excited, we 'all' would definitely show our excitement for them. If they were advising a woman colleague outside of our immediate team then the particular men I work with would definitely feign excitement, they would probably come back to the office not mentioning it as it isn't on their radar, neither is it mine but in the moment they would feign it so as not to appear rude. I don't have expectations of what anyone should do or not but I know out of good manners our feigning would be equally distributed between men and women. One of my colleagues is quiet and doesn't smile very much and it is noticed and commented on by people outside of our immediate team but at the end of the day this is no more than if a woman was like that.

I don't think the OP'a response should be scrutinised by her colleague but equally she shouldn't be feel the need to make a point as it is nothing to do with her.

Yes I suppose so. The posters calling the OP a stalker and a psycho are absolutely sane and I’m the crazy one. Thank you so much for putting me straight 😊

‘I don't think the OP'a response should be scrutinised by her colleague but equally she shouldn't be feel the need to make a point as it is nothing to do with her.’ yeah just smile fgs would you love? In every other context on this site women are routinely up in arms when a man tells them to cheer up or smile. Yet on this specific issue so many of you have your blinkers on. The OP provided background here, she didn’t make the point in person. It’s not enough for you to want her to paint on a smile on the outside, you want to police her thoughts too.

Lol! This thread is through the looking glass