To have not been effusive when colleague was waving her engagement ring around

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

Just been taken to task by a colleague for failing to be sufficiently excited when another colleague told us she had just got engaged and was waving a medium-sized rock around the office.

The colleague who has just got engaged has been with her partner for about seven years and on two separate occasions has been in tears at work parties because of his behaviour (on one of these he accused her of going out because she was trying to sleep with other men). She has previously said they usually sleep in separate bedrooms, she has thought of leaving him and he refuses on principle to do anything social with her at all and has no interest in doing anything other than watching rugby. In short, he sounds like a world-class arse and she could certainly do better.

She was showing people the ring and everyone was gushing over it and saying how happy she must be etc. A couple of the other girls made comments along the lines of "wait until I go home and show Bob/John the pictures".

Full disclosure I find the whole business of engagement and engagement rings pointless and utterly embarrassing at the best of times. If you want to get married, get married but this ridiculous charade of having to be asked by the man and having to have an expensive ring to wave around as a badge of honour is just cringe. In the best of situations I find the business naff but I'm very happy to overlook it if the people getting married are happy.

But I know for a fact that this is not a happy relationship and simpering over this was more than I could bear. So I gave a peremptory nod, said "congratulations, very exciting" and wandered off, leaving the rest of them talking about the ring for a further 20 minutes. Much later on someone took me aside and said it had been noted that I was lacking in enthusiasm around the engagement and why had I felt it necessary to be this unpleasant?

I honestly don't understand why it should be mandatory to be interested in the engagements of people you don't know all that well in the first place but particularly when everyone knows they aren't well matched. I won't be rude and I wasn't rude, but why should I pretend to be overjoyed?

Gosh, just fake it a bit, it's not that hard! I'm a miserable shite and can't really be bothered with all this stuff either and wouldn't know a nice ring from a naff one but you have to oil the wheels sometimes! "Lovely ring!" and "you must be delighted!" and "big congratulations!" etc then go and make puking gestures later or wash your hands or whatever you need to do to cleanse yourself of the lies!

I genuinely don't understand why people get so excited about other people being engaged. I'd have reacted similar to the OP. Smile, say congrats, move on. No need to stand around fawning over the ring.

Google the definition of “bitter”. You’ve mixed it up with “jealous”.

Google: “feeling or showing anger, hurt or resentment be she’s of bad experiences of a sense of unjust treatment”

Cambridge Dictionary: “someone who is bitter is angry and unhappy be she they cannot forget bad things that happened in the past”.

You meet those definitions to a tee and it has nothing at all to do with wanting to marry her fiancé.

They are insinuating op is a bitter single.
Very lazy insult.

You sound like a joy sponge.

I don't get it. Why should OP show more enthusiasm, real or faked? This is not a friend of hers, it's a workplace relationship. Regardless of the circumstances, a short nice comment is enough.

@TheOverlord

Cambridge Dictionary: “someone who is bitter is angry and unhappy be she they cannot forget bad things that happened in the past”.
You meet those definitions to a tee and it has nothing at all to do with wanting to marry her fiancé.

How do you know so much about me? Out of interest....

The colleague said she was unpleasant. Her comment was dripping with sarcasm and her jibes are bitchy. If she’d said nothing then no one would have called her out - OP went out of her way to be horrible.

Depends on your definition of "joy" I suppose. I don't associate "joy" with having a woman marry a meat-headed, semi-illiterate bloke who thinks she is going out looking for sex every time she steps outside the house. Horses for courses though.

If more than one person thought you came across as rude, then you probably did.

I doubt everyone else who was squealing with joy was quite as excited as they made out, unless they're very close to her. If you know her well enough to express disapproval about her engagement, you're close enough to have an honest conversation with her about your concerns. Otherwise, it's just polite to act excited enough that people don't pick up on it.

I mean, it certainly does come across as if you wanted to communicate something...

You've just said in breath that you don't know her that well, yet in the next breath you think her relationship is terrible. If you don't know her well how do you know what her relationship is like?

To me it sounds like you are one of those people who has never found anyone to ask you so can't possibly be happy for anyone else. Just sad and bitter no one wants to marry you so you pretend you don't like the whole premise of a man asking a woman to be his wife. You didn't need to be rude to your colleague, no one was asking you to jump up and down and whoop!

I read the OP where you said it… I don’t know “so much”, I know this because you said as much. I know you don’t know the definition of “jealous” and “bitter” because you got them confused.

Tell the person who called you unpleasant, that you were polite, but maybe others could be a bit more sensitive about topics like this when they have no idea what you may or may not have been through.

"Lacking in enthusiasm" about a work colleague's engagement.

JFC!

The woman is engaged which she seems to be happy with.

That wouldn't alter whether everyone or no one was uproariously ecstatic for her!

Perhaps you should have said "oh fucking hell it's nothat shit who makes you cry is it?"

I mean if you're going to reprimanded it might as well be worth it!

Why would anyone have to pretend to care about some engament?
Nevermind co-workers!?
She (the crazy engament woman) sounds absolutely bat shit crazy!
Poor man who has to marry her!

@TheOverlord

I read the OP where you said it… I don’t know “so much”, I know this because you said as much. I know you don’t know the definition of “jealous” and “bitter” because you got them confused.

I didn't really understand that sentence, what I'm asking you is how do you know I'm bitter? You are assuming that I'm bitter because I'm not overjoyed that this perfectly nice woman is marrying a thick and unkind bloke. I'm afraid I'm not really following your logic....

I'm with you OP. One of my friends got married to a guy we all knew was a total prick and abusive ('just' emotionally at that point). Many nights spent in tears etc.

Well he asked her dad for his approval, bought her a massive sparkler and suddenly she was just sooooo happy and the relationship was perfect etc etc. A lot of our other friends gushed over the ring and her plans for the massive white wedding. I wasn't as close to her as others in the group so didn't really feel it was my place to speak to her about my concerns, so just said congrats in a similar way to you.

Surprise surprise, months after the aforementioned huge, expensive wedding (mostly paid for by her dad) the abuse turned physical. He was also having multiple affairs. They separated after four months of marriage.

I regret now that I didn't speak to her honestly before the wedding, but am glad that at least I wasn't complicit in pretending to be ecstatic for her about something I knew was a mistake!

I do sympathise, it sounds like a car crash that took 7 years to reverse and now you'll have to stand back and observe!

even when people are good together nine times out of ten the ring is underwhelming, and unsurprisingly, those things are expensive!

Just say ''omg, beautiful!'' smile right at her and then go back to your desk.

But if she starts giving out about how lazy/selfish he is, you called it, just walk off. You do not have to listen to it.

The best I could manage is an 'Ahh thats nice, congratulations'. But that would have been a struggle if I knew the relationship was shit.

@Thelaughingtonepoliceman I agree about the whole proposal charade. The number of simpering threads on here about waiting for the proposal, rings not good enough, deadlines and ultimatums.

Are we as women not past all that now? WTF? Agree to enter a legal marriage together as a Partnership of 50/50. And put your money into something better than a rock.

And yes, I'm married.

I had one member of staff moan because I failed to comment on her haircut. It looked exactly like it always did. I mean seriously some people are so precious and it's all about them. However, the tone of voice you used might mean she wasn't being unreasonable.

I'm with you OP, sounds like you were perfectly polite. All those others gushing and squealing and faking delight are weird! I can't fake emotions and I don't understand why anybody would want to. I would always be polite though and there is always something you can say that is true - "you look really happy, congratulations" That's all that is required

Are you being intentionally dense?

You’re bitter because you’re pissed off that she’s marrying someone who has treated her poorly in the past because you can’t forget and move on. You are unhappy because you cannot forget bad things that happened in the past.

That meets that Cambridge definition of bitter to the letter.

Honestly Yanbu @Thelaughingtonepoliceman

who really cares about yet another silly woman settling for some controlling prick of a bloke. She’s a work colleague, nothing more, nothing less. It’s her life she’s messing up.

maybe your reaction will resonate with her? Maybe she’ll actually think about it and have second thoughts - one can only hope, either way, it’s her life. - better to be authentic and honest than clapping like a starved seal just because she’s been dumb enough to say she’ll marry the abusive twat.

you could always send her a congrats on your engagement card with a link to mumsnet…

I loved the detail of the 'medium-sized rock'.

This

"Are we as women not past all that now? WTF? Agree to enter a legal marriage together as a Partnership of 50/50. And put your money into something better than a rock."

Partnership isn't a word that some understand too well. Look at the ring, look at the dress, look at the wedding spread/party blah de blah. For us, a simple wedding without the hoo ha worked and going forward a partnership not just a big show off and then the marriage breaks down in a few months/years after the fuss has gone.