Page 18 | To have not been effusive when colleague was waving her engagement ring around

Thelaughingtonepoliceman · 2023-03-13T13:43:22+00:00

Just been taken to task by a colleague for failing to be sufficiently excited when another colleague told us she had just got engaged and was waving a medium-sized rock around the office. The colleague who has just got engaged has been with her partner for about seven years and on two separate occasions has been in tears at work parties because of his behaviour (on one of these he accused her of going out because she was trying to sleep with other men). She has previously said they usually sleep in separate bedrooms, she has thought of leaving him and he refuses on principle to do anything social with her at all and has no interest in doing anything other than watching rugby. In short, he sounds like a world-class arse and she could certainly do better. She was showing people the ring and everyone was gushing over it and saying how happy she must be etc. A couple of the other girls made comments along the lines of "wait until I go home and show Bob/John the pictures". Full disclosure I find the whole business of engagement and engagement rings pointless and utterly embarrassing at the best of times. If you want to get married, get married but this ridiculous charade of having to be asked by the man and having to have an expensive ring to wave around as a badge of honour is just cringe. In the best of situations I find the business naff but I'm very happy to overlook it if the people getting married are happy. But I know for a fact that this is not a happy relationship and simpering over this was more than I could bear. So I gave a peremptory nod, said "congratulations, very exciting" and wandered off, leaving the rest of them talking about the ring for a further 20 minutes. Much later on someone took me aside and said it had been noted that I was lacking in enthusiasm around the engagement and why had I felt it necessary to be this unpleasant? I honestly don't understand why it should be mandatory to be interested in the engagements of people you don't know all that well in the first place but particularly when everyone knows they aren't well matched. I won't be rude and I wasn't rude, but why should I pretend to be overjoyed?

Goldenbear · 15/03/2023 22:40

Eyerollcentral · 15/03/2023 22:11

‘I don't think the OP'a response should be scrutinised by her colleague but equally she shouldn't be feel the need to make a point as it is nothing to do with her.’ yeah just smile fgs would you love? In every other context on this site women are routinely up in arms when a man tells them to cheer up or smile. Yet on this specific issue so many of you have your blinkers on. The OP provided background here, she didn’t make the point in person. It’s not enough for you to want her to paint on a smile on the outside, you want to police her thoughts too.

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As I explained in my post, the feigning is equal so no it wouldn't just be an expectation of women alone which would be a pretty silly expectation in my office as I am the only woman! I literally just described how the unsmiling man is remarked upon by people outside of our team so I'm baffled as to how you deduced this from my comments. Also, I am really commenting on reflective body language, someone is happy about something special to them I tend to be happy for them. It is pretty simple to understand. Perhaps I'm oblivious to these slights and offences or perhaps I just don't read in to things or judge people as much as others seem to. This has reminded me when I was asked at work by a female colleague outside of my all male team whether I was offended when Libby from the admin team asked me if I wanted to join them for their team Christmas dinner and secret Santa. Apparently, she seemed to think Libby was suggesting I would want more girly company. In actual fact, my male team colleagues had also been asked but they wanted to do something for just our IT team as they didn't want to go to the venue Libby had picked and they pretty much always went to a certain pub. We didn't do secret Santa though just swapped cards and we all bought each other drinks although admittedly one colleague insisted that I didn't.

Eyerollcentral · 15/03/2023 22:42

Goldenbear · 15/03/2023 22:40

As I explained in my post, the feigning is equal so no it wouldn't just be an expectation of women alone which would be a pretty silly expectation in my office as I am the only woman! I literally just described how the unsmiling man is remarked upon by people outside of our team so I'm baffled as to how you deduced this from my comments. Also, I am really commenting on reflective body language, someone is happy about something special to them I tend to be happy for them. It is pretty simple to understand. Perhaps I'm oblivious to these slights and offences or perhaps I just don't read in to things or judge people as much as others seem to. This has reminded me when I was asked at work by a female colleague outside of my all male team whether I was offended when Libby from the admin team asked me if I wanted to join them for their team Christmas dinner and secret Santa. Apparently, she seemed to think Libby was suggesting I would want more girly company. In actual fact, my male team colleagues had also been asked but they wanted to do something for just our IT team as they didn't want to go to the venue Libby had picked and they pretty much always went to a certain pub. We didn't do secret Santa though just swapped cards and we all bought each other drinks although admittedly one colleague insisted that I didn't.

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You’ve gone off on another tangent. I don’t think there is any more to discuss.

Goldenbear · 15/03/2023 22:43

I'd add as well that most of the team(except one man), including myself to a degree are socially awkward, I would think that most of us are pretty used to feignong

DeeCeeCherry · 15/03/2023 22:46

Talk about over-thinking someone else's life and hoiking your judgey pants high. You could've just smiled and said congrats and left it at that. If you were sitting there with a sour lemon face it would've been noticed and that's why your colleague commented. It costs nothing to be polite for a fleeting moment, rather than get in a tizz about someone's life choices. They'll do what they want anyway, not what you want

SerafinasGoose · 15/03/2023 22:49

What a screed of irrelevant waffle. It's a waste of column inches requoting it.

Anyone getting shades of Colin Hunt's office shenanigans here? (Not to mention 'women, know your place'). I pity the poor sods who work with these types. As for the businesses who employ them, given the relentless energy their workforce expends on this trivial BS it's a miracle they're still afloat.

OP, commiserations. I wholeheartedly recommend noise-cancelling earphones.

Eyerollcentral · 15/03/2023 22:52

DeeCeeCherry · 15/03/2023 22:46

Talk about over-thinking someone else's life and hoiking your judgey pants high. You could've just smiled and said congrats and left it at that. If you were sitting there with a sour lemon face it would've been noticed and that's why your colleague commented. It costs nothing to be polite for a fleeting moment, rather than get in a tizz about someone's life choices. They'll do what they want anyway, not what you want

She did smile and say congratulations???

Goldenbear · 15/03/2023 23:18

SerafinasGoose · 15/03/2023 22:49

What a screed of irrelevant waffle. It's a waste of column inches requoting it.

Anyone getting shades of Colin Hunt's office shenanigans here? (Not to mention 'women, know your place'). I pity the poor sods who work with these types. As for the businesses who employ them, given the relentless energy their workforce expends on this trivial BS it's a miracle they're still afloat.

OP, commiserations. I wholeheartedly recommend noise-cancelling earphones.

More like 'Cunk on Feminism'.

'Waffle' - declares the Keyboard warrior!

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 16/03/2023 08:38

MysteryBelle · 15/03/2023 18:47

You don’t get to decide how other women live their own lives. You are not her boss. Sounds like the entire office of women sees through your facade and the colleague let you know that and that’s why you’re here trying to recruit sympathy from strangers for your unkind behavior.

Being concerned about women marrying abusive men isn't making decisions for them.
I'm sure OP knows who is & is not a boss in her company, & being concerned about a colleague won't confuse her knowledge of the organisational chart.
One overbearing colleague tone policing OP isn't an "entire office of women".
OP's posting style is dignified, amused, & forthright, there hasn't been a hint of sympathy-seeking from her, she doesn't need it.
Responding to a colleague's engagement announcement with "congratulations, very exciting" isn't unkind.

Is there anything else you'd like to invent, or has your inspiration run dry now?

hotdiggetydog · 16/03/2023 08:57

Where is it in your contract that you have to display a prescribed level of excitement for such matters?

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 16/03/2023 08:58

DeeCeeCherry · 15/03/2023 22:46

Talk about over-thinking someone else's life and hoiking your judgey pants high. You could've just smiled and said congrats and left it at that. If you were sitting there with a sour lemon face it would've been noticed and that's why your colleague commented. It costs nothing to be polite for a fleeting moment, rather than get in a tizz about someone's life choices. They'll do what they want anyway, not what you want

But saying congrats & leaving it at that was exactly what OP did!
She wasn't lemon-facing, she went back to her desk to work.
She was polite, & the "tizz" - a.k.a. reason for starting the thread - wasn't about life choices, it was about the tone-policing colleague having the gall to take OP aside & lecture her on how women ought to respond to engagement news,

WitheredandOld · 16/03/2023 11:20

DeeCeeCherry · 15/03/2023 22:46

Talk about over-thinking someone else's life and hoiking your judgey pants high. You could've just smiled and said congrats and left it at that. If you were sitting there with a sour lemon face it would've been noticed and that's why your colleague commented. It costs nothing to be polite for a fleeting moment, rather than get in a tizz about someone's life choices. They'll do what they want anyway, not what you want

She did “just smile and say congratulations and leave it at that”.

Hurrahhurrah · 16/03/2023 12:55

Dottymug · 15/03/2023 21:32

A week or so ago I started a thread about why so many women are married to total arses. This thread is a bit of an eye-opener as to one reason. The proposal, the ring, the engagement are still seen some kind of weird achievement -even if the man's a total arse. If your colleagues had any decency they's be trying to talk her out of marrying this man.

Talk her out of it.
Now that is strange behavior.
How about taking what people say about their partners with a pinch of salt and keeping your nose out?

Dottymug · 16/03/2023 15:20

@HurrahhurrahThey don’t have to take her word for it. They all heard him calling her a slut. This is an abusive relationship. congratulations seem hideously inappropriate to me.

pinkyredrose · 17/03/2023 18:35

Goldenbear · 15/03/2023 21:41

That's a funny logic you have there, someone who has an engagement, a proposal and a ring equates to being with an awful man. I would say quite the opposite, as it is awful lot of effort, the lazy ones don't bother. How is it an 'achievement' to me that sounds like you are blaming women for this affront to feminism.

Lol!

Goldenbear · 17/03/2023 22:40

Why is that a LOL situation. I think it is true, lazy men can't be arsed.