To have not been effusive when colleague was waving her engagement ring around

[Thelaughingtonepoliceman]

Just been taken to task by a colleague for failing to be sufficiently excited when another colleague told us she had just got engaged and was waving a medium-sized rock around the office.

The colleague who has just got engaged has been with her partner for about seven years and on two separate occasions has been in tears at work parties because of his behaviour (on one of these he accused her of going out because she was trying to sleep with other men). She has previously said they usually sleep in separate bedrooms, she has thought of leaving him and he refuses on principle to do anything social with her at all and has no interest in doing anything other than watching rugby. In short, he sounds like a world-class arse and she could certainly do better.

She was showing people the ring and everyone was gushing over it and saying how happy she must be etc. A couple of the other girls made comments along the lines of "wait until I go home and show Bob/John the pictures".

Full disclosure I find the whole business of engagement and engagement rings pointless and utterly embarrassing at the best of times. If you want to get married, get married but this ridiculous charade of having to be asked by the man and having to have an expensive ring to wave around as a badge of honour is just cringe. In the best of situations I find the business naff but I'm very happy to overlook it if the people getting married are happy.

But I know for a fact that this is not a happy relationship and simpering over this was more than I could bear. So I gave a peremptory nod, said "congratulations, very exciting" and wandered off, leaving the rest of them talking about the ring for a further 20 minutes. Much later on someone took me aside and said it had been noted that I was lacking in enthusiasm around the engagement and why had I felt it necessary to be this unpleasant?

I honestly don't understand why it should be mandatory to be interested in the engagements of people you don't know all that well in the first place but particularly when everyone knows they aren't well matched. I won't be rude and I wasn't rude, but why should I pretend to be overjoyed?

It's hardly a match made in heaven by the sound of it.

But you sound utterly nasty in the way you've written that OP.

Love the faux innocence, did you head tilt and tinkly laugh at rhe same time 😂

we all know our own experiences can impact our reactions. A bad divorce, a bad current marriage, a desire to be married, an abusive relationship.

the op is highly scornful of engagements itself , it’s not just this woman.

“I find the whole business of engagement and engagement rings pointless and utterly embarrassing at the best of times. If you want to get married, get married but this ridiculous charade of having to be asked by the man and having to have an expensive ring to wave around as a badge of honour is just cringe”

so understanding what’s made her feel this way is important.

No. Why is that relevant?

Disliking babies isn't the same thing at all.

The OP has said that whilst she isn't a fan of engagement rings etc generally, the main issue here is that the colleague is openly in a very unhappy relationship, crying at work parties even. The OP didn't want to be a hypocrite and pretend to be delighted by the news. Fair enough. She acknowledged it with a few words.

The bride to be shouldn't share so much of her personal business at work if all she wants are congratulations.

I have a close friend marrying a knobhead. It's hard not to feel similarly to the OP between updates on his unpleasant behaviour and requests for hen weekend deposits.

@Dumpruntime

I am pretty scornful of engagements because I think they are an outdated vestige of a patriarchal era where a man "chose" a woman. They have no place in a modern society. I think if a man and a woman want to get married it should be a mutual decision with the woman playing an equal role to the man, as opposed to waiting around to be asked. There's also something about the ceremonial waving around of engagement rings and the "ooh look he asked me" which I find nauseating.

I personally would never want to get married. No disrespect to anyone who would and I'd be genuinely happy for two people who were happy, in love and respected one another getting married. But in this specific case the colleague is definitely not happy.

Your colleague sounds ridiculous - how do you gauge how excited or happy one person is about another person's celebration. You said congrats and left it at that which sounds perfectly fine to me. The colleague who pulled you up on "how excited you were / or not" is being really petty for no reason. She is the one causing the issue here.

No I genuinely didn't say it in a sarcastic way. I said it in a friendly way, with a smile, and then walked off (I was busy).

I also agree marriage should be mutual and in real life don’t know anyone sitting around waiting for a proposal, generally it’s always discussed in advance, although I get on here it’s rife.

you clearly have very strong views on marriage and engagements. With a very reactive dislike, and that’s fair enough.

I think you could have stayed for slightly longer and take part in the conversation, assuming that this lady is happy enough in HER life choices to become engaged. If she approaches you for advice, that’s your time to have a quiet word if you think it suitable. For someone to notice you leaving I do think you came across as quite rude. There are many life decisions and/or occasions where we have to plaster a smile on our faces and pretend to give a damn. It’s none of your business and whether or not they sleep in separate bedrooms has nothing to do with it whatsoever. I know you were trying to paint a bleak picture of her relationship but bottomline is it’s her choice and you just have to respect that. End of story.

You weren't unpleasant by the sounds of it. I don't blame you. The office presentation of new baby (cue tedious simpering) is similarly dull. But at least there's an actual human to discuss! So glad I WFH now.

I am happily married, but cynical nonetheless, but I'd have managed a bit of convincing fake gushing.

If a man makes you cry because of his behaviour it's the wrong relationship, do your colleagues who were gushing over her know what he's like.

I don't think I particularly have to respect her choice, to be honest.

I would defend to the death her right to marry this bloke and I am happy to congratulate her even though I don't feel it, but I don't see that I have to "respect" it, when it's clearly making her unhappy.

The way I see is is that I am required to be kind, supportive and diplomatic enough to make me feel I am on her side, and that's fine with me But I don't see the need to actively pretend I think it's a good idea when it's not. And certainly not to feign interest in it where I frankly have none.

It’s relevant because you could be seen as being jealous perhaps.

I think YABU. You were unpleasant enough that another colleague actively went and called you out on it. People don’t call out vaguely disinterested but polite - they call out rude and nasty. You’ve listed in your OP all the reasons you’re judging her and her relationship and disapprove of her (even though it’s none of your business) and, yet, you’re claiming that you were perfectly polite and pleasant and lovely and a co-worker who was entirely neutral in the situation psychically knew your thoughts that you didn’t actually express? Come off it. I don’t think that the bride-to-be or the neutral colleague would align with your version of events - it makes no sense.

I didn’t have a “proper” proposal. I have seven guests at my wedding. I have no particular interest in engagements and weddings - but you sound nasty, judgemental and bitter.

This sounds like something I would do, and not see anything wrong in it . However, I am on the autistic spectrum, and it also sounds like something that my mother or best friend would later tell me this was a social situation where I was expected to lie and pretend that I was excited when I wasn't. At least you didn't say what you were actually thinking.

Maybe I am seen as being jealous. I can't control what people think.

Frankly I'd prefer they thought I was jealous than that they thought I think she's being an idiot (which is what I actually do think). Maybe I should have amped up the jealousy....

You haven’t been kind, supportive or diplomatic. You’ve also done nothing but condemn her for making that choice that you allegedly are “defending”.

Are you in love with her?

YADNBU

I would have a hard time keeping the concern off my face as well, and lying about how happy I was for her.

It is really, really, really strange to be so invested in a colleague’s relationship that you can’t even convincingly pretend to be neutral when they get engaged.

To me, your response was not rude,
But I do think whoever spoke to you about your ‘lack of enthusiasm’ was rude,
It’s sad how so many in your workplace gushed over the engagement ring,
Especially if they knew of the previous upsets the woman concerned had endured from her now fiancé,

@TheOverlord

nasty, judgemental and bitter.

Bingo 😀

My first bitter of the post. (I knew there'd be one soon) Always a fairly reliable indicator that someone hasn't understood the argument properly.

I might be nasty and judgemental (I probably am tbh). I'm certainly not bitter. I would rather boil myself alive than marry her boyfriend.

I couldn’t give a shit when people get engaged or have babies, so I’m with you in not faking enthusiasm.

However. This was really catty 😆:

was waving a medium-sized rock around the office

takes a second to smile and say congrats and your ring is lovely, doesn't matter if you dont agree with it all, its called being nice.

How is that relevant?