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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT want DH and I to see our respective locations on Find my iPhone?

260 replies

Thisismenow2 · 13/03/2023 10:17

I have always been able to see DH’s location on Find my iPhone (although I rarely bother looking - only if he running late for dinner!) and he’s able to see mine. It’s not that I want to get up to anything untoward but I just think it would be better if we couldn’t see each other’s locations.

AIBU to think most partners DON’T share their locations?

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 13/03/2023 11:32

Slight digression but on the subject of privacy...
Just wanted to make people aware that idmf they have their phone number set to withheld and their location tracker turned off, it defaults to ON if you ring emergency services. This includes 111.

I'm also irritated by the Government Emergency Alert App. It's on most phones now. You cannot disable it. You can turn off notifications etc but you can't get rid of it. Now I don't know if anyone is tracking me but I do get an uneasy Big Brother type feeling. Not so much what it is, but the way it just slinked in with little to no public awareness.

Phos · 13/03/2023 11:33

GBoucher · 13/03/2023 11:31

My husband and I don't. Never occurred to us to do so. It's never come up. To what purpose would one? Those who say it's so they know when someone's going to be home for dinner, why not just call/text and ask?

We don't use it anyway but in answer to your question, if I call my husband to ask anything he never bloody answers.

lastapache · 13/03/2023 11:34

I don't like it.

I am sure it would be useful for the purposes of putting on dinner, or whatever. But the feeling that someone knows where I am, 24/7, doesn't give me a feeling of comfort or safety, it makes me feel claustrophobic. I like my independence. I like leaving work early to go for a browse around the shops, without having to text my DH to tell him where I'm going, or expecting a "what were you doing in X place, I thought you were at work?" when I got home. I understand that he probably wouldn't be looking to see where I was at all, but even the potential that he could be checking on me gives me the heeby jeebies.

I should say we're 13 years married and I have full trust in my DH - as I think he does in me.

The only time I switch location services on is if I'm going for a walk early in the morning or late in the evening. I always switch it off afterwards.

Fifi0000 · 13/03/2023 11:35

I have it for my DD because she likes to play out and I feel safer , not for my DH though as I don't believe in tracking partners.

Bottlegreenery · 13/03/2023 11:36

I love it. It holds me accountable. Same as ring doorbell. I live with my partner now but before I did, that and life 360 helped me overcome the sneaking out at 9.50pm on a Monday night to get a bottle of wine (or a second one) and a large bag of crisps. That was unhealthy behaviour and I’d have been ashamed if my partner or anyone else had known I did that. Things are so much better now

TheOverlord · 13/03/2023 11:38

ClareBlue · 13/03/2023 10:28

Absolutely not. There is no way that I need to or want to know where my partner or adult children are all the time. I find it quite amazing that people think this is ok. I know I'll get all the safety and convenience messages, but I just find it creepy and wrong. 30 years in my relationship and no trust issues, but I just find this weird.

It’s not a “trust issue” though, is it? It’s about convenience and safety, as you’re well aware. It’s far more of a trust issue to actively not want your partner to be able to find out where you are than it is to want to be able to know where your partner is.

BanditsGravyStain · 13/03/2023 11:38

I don’t track DP or vice versa and we’re on different operating systems anyway so couldn’t use FMI. DD is too young for a phone.

I don’t think it matters what other people do, but you both need to be happy with the arrangement. I think it would throw up questions from your DP about why suddenly you want to remove it though.

purpledalmation · 13/03/2023 11:39

We do and have family sharing with my mum as she does a lot of child care

JudgeRudy · 13/03/2023 11:40

Pandor · 13/03/2023 10:57

We share locations. If you really want to go off grid for “privacy” then it takes 3 quick presses and you’re no longer sharing your location, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt the need to stop sharing it.

i don’t find it an invasion of privacy in the same way that I don’t find getting naked in front of my partner an invasion of privacy (but it would feel very weird to do it in front of a stranger).

Interesting how we all have our versions of trust and privacy. @Pandor would you be happy for your OH to read your diary? How about know exactly what you've eaten in a week? Go into your knicker drawer/through your clothes? Your handbag?
I'm just curious what type of things are an open yes and which require explicit permission in the moment

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 13/03/2023 11:40

YABU. I think it’s pretty standard.

purpledalmation · 13/03/2023 11:41

My cheating ex wouldn't have it though. Wonder why 😂

Ikilledthebabysharkdododuhdodudoo · 13/03/2023 11:42

lazycats · 13/03/2023 11:27

Agreed. Turn it on if you want but being happy NOT having it would be a sign of healthy levels of trust, not the other way round.

Show quote history

Kinda both sound quite desperate to prove your relationship is PeAk TrUsT gOaLzzz 🤣🤣

I think as long as no one is compelled to do anything, why not. It toggles off any time you want anyway, so you can sneak around with your fancy man/woman without discovery 🤣🤣

Isuppose · 13/03/2023 11:42

TheOverlord · 13/03/2023 11:38

It’s not a “trust issue” though, is it? It’s about convenience and safety, as you’re well aware. It’s far more of a trust issue to actively not want your partner to be able to find out where you are than it is to want to be able to know where your partner is.

Show quote history

This is bullshit. You know that.

Botw1 · 13/03/2023 11:43

Don't have it, don't want it and can't think of any valid reason to have it.

If I really need to know where he is I'd phone him

crazylegscrain · 13/03/2023 11:43

I think it's a bit weird tbh

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 13/03/2023 11:43

JudgeRudy · 13/03/2023 11:40

Interesting how we all have our versions of trust and privacy. @Pandor would you be happy for your OH to read your diary? How about know exactly what you've eaten in a week? Go into your knicker drawer/through your clothes? Your handbag?
I'm just curious what type of things are an open yes and which require explicit permission in the moment

Show quote history

None of that would bother me. We’re married, I don’t see the need for either of us to hide anything Confused

DorritLittle · 13/03/2023 11:43

ClareBlue · 13/03/2023 10:28

Absolutely not. There is no way that I need to or want to know where my partner or adult children are all the time. I find it quite amazing that people think this is ok. I know I'll get all the safety and convenience messages, but I just find it creepy and wrong. 30 years in my relationship and no trust issues, but I just find this weird.

I’m in this camp. Don’t have it for anyone, including DD who is 12.

Ikilledthebabysharkdododuhdodudoo · 13/03/2023 11:43

TheOverlord · 13/03/2023 11:38

It’s not a “trust issue” though, is it? It’s about convenience and safety, as you’re well aware. It’s far more of a trust issue to actively not want your partner to be able to find out where you are than it is to want to be able to know where your partner is.

Show quote history

Exactly. Getting such weird protest-too-much-vibes from the aptly named judgey folks on here! The passionate need to belittle and label is so mad!

Mortimercat · 13/03/2023 11:45

@gannett

Do people really time their cooking around their husbands arrival time home?!

I am the least 1950s housewife you are ever likely to meet, but yes of course I would time cooking dinner around my husbands expected time home? Why on earth would I not. Confused

QuietlyConfident · 13/03/2023 11:45

Adults are not dogs. They are perfectly capable of contacting you if they want to.

Unless they're driving, or cycling, or in a conversation, or in a meeting, or at work generally, or asleep, or in a theatre or cinema, or they've been in an accident, or they've dropped their phone.

LadyHarmby · 13/03/2023 11:46

I like leaving work early to go for a browse around the shops, without having to text my DH to tell him where I'm going, or expecting a "what were you doing in X place, I thought you were at work?" when I got home

Not to pick on you but this is relevant. It says to me that you need to hide the fact you’re shopping from your DH. Why is that?

I don’t need privacy from my DH because I don’t go anywhere or do anything that I need to keep secret from him.

lazycats · 13/03/2023 11:46

Ikilledthebabysharkdododuhdodudoo · 13/03/2023 11:42

Kinda both sound quite desperate to prove your relationship is PeAk TrUsT gOaLzzz 🤣🤣

I think as long as no one is compelled to do anything, why not. It toggles off any time you want anyway, so you can sneak around with your fancy man/woman without discovery 🤣🤣

Show quote history

Don't blame me, I didn't bring up trust. It just stands to reason - if you're both fine not having it the logic doesn't follow that you have trust issues.

PhillySub · 13/03/2023 11:46

Wishawisha · 13/03/2023 10:33

I find it really useful.

I lose my phone around the house all the fine so DH can go to Find My Phone and get mine to ring. He’s lost his outside the home a few times and we’ve managed to track down easily. I guess we could log in via our own individual Apple IDs on a different device but it’s just simpler.

I like to be able to check how close he is to home if I’m starting bedtime and want to see if he’ll be home in time to take one DC. I have no problem him checking whether I’m on my way back if I’ve gone out somewhere.

He doesn't have to go to find my phone, he can just ring your number.😁

TheOverlord · 13/03/2023 11:47

Isuppose · 13/03/2023 11:42

This is bullshit. You know that.

Show quote history

Of course it’s not. Don’t be silly.

JudgeRudy · 13/03/2023 11:48

LadyHarmby · 13/03/2023 11:19

This comes up all the time on here.

The answer is that if all parties freely agree and are comfortable with it, then it’s fine and there’s nothing weird or creepy about it.

If someone doesn’t want it, that’s perfectly reasonable and should be respected and no one should be forcing anyone else to have it (exception being a child/teen and even that’s arguable)

I find it interesting(concerning) that you've said "if someone doesn't want it....". To me the psychology of your language implies you're saying 'What's the problem, if you both don't want it switch it off" however I view it rather like sexual consent. Unless I've explicitly agreed, the default is no.
On the face of it, our views would seem similar, but they're not, only the outcome is. My view is "If people feel the need to set this up they should be allowed to"

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