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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT want DH and I to see our respective locations on Find my iPhone?

260 replies

Thisismenow2 · 13/03/2023 10:17

I have always been able to see DH’s location on Find my iPhone (although I rarely bother looking - only if he running late for dinner!) and he’s able to see mine. It’s not that I want to get up to anything untoward but I just think it would be better if we couldn’t see each other’s locations.

AIBU to think most partners DON’T share their locations?

OP posts:
Seasidemumma77 · 13/03/2023 10:39

I don't track DP or DC, and they do not track me.

MistyBean · 13/03/2023 10:44

Yes we share here. It's useful if you have lost your phone, and I think for reasons of safety it's really helpful. The main thing though is that we both rarely ever bother to look at each others locations, we wouldn't bother for things like dinner and would still ask each other for an ETA instead. I think it's only a problem if you are in a controlling relationship and your partner is constantly checking it. If the idea of having this enabled for emergencies bothers you so much then maybe you should ask yourself why?

Readabookgroucho · 13/03/2023 10:46

Turn it off if you don’t need/want/like it.
I find it handy for our kids ( 11 &13) because they never answer the bloody phone!!!

GingerAle1 · 13/03/2023 10:46

Why did you activate it? We have never used it.

gannett · 13/03/2023 10:48

It's slightly alarming how this sort of thing has become so normalised so quickly. It wasn't that long ago that most people would've reacted to the idea in absolute horror.

I'm still horrified by it, wouldn't consider having it on ever. If I'm running late or want to know where DP is we're both capable of messaging, and it's very rarely a situation where we actually NEED to know. Do people really time their cooking around their husbands' arrivals home?!

ChickenDhansak82 · 13/03/2023 10:51

I have my son's location turned on via Family Link so I can see where he is (e.g. bus has left school so I know when to leave to pick him up) because he is a CHILD. If he was ever late back (so far never), I would use it to see where he was.

But tracking an ADULT is just creepy! I would not have a relationship with anyone who wanted to track my phone and it says a lot about someone who insists they want it turned on.

Pickingmyselfup · 13/03/2023 10:52

We had it and it was ok until 2020 when we were going through a bad spell and I started feeling trapped because I felt like everyone could see what I was doing and wanted me stuck at home.

Now we don't have it and there are times when it could be useful like the other day when I wasn't sure if he had left work and should I start making my dinner with an alternative ingredient or wait for him to get something from the shop.

We put it on share for long journeys but general day to day it just isn't necessary.

Willyoujustbequiet · 13/03/2023 10:52

We have it as a family.

Its really useful and comes in handy. No issues with it at all.

Sockloon · 13/03/2023 10:54

You can only view it if you choose to look, so either you don't trust each other not to view it every two minutes due to a lack of trust or if you have something to hide, I fail to see the issue.

Sounds to me you have something to hide. I have not looked at my DH location for months, the last time when he came home really late for him and I could not get in contact with him.

GingerAle1 · 13/03/2023 10:56

Sockloon · 13/03/2023 10:54

You can only view it if you choose to look, so either you don't trust each other not to view it every two minutes due to a lack of trust or if you have something to hide, I fail to see the issue.

Sounds to me you have something to hide. I have not looked at my DH location for months, the last time when he came home really late for him and I could not get in contact with him.

You don't have to set it up though? So that's the first puzzle.

PandasAreUseless · 13/03/2023 10:57

We wouldn't share our locations, no.
To be fair, it would be handy if I was out hiking alone, which I do often.

But no. If DH wants to go for a sneaky pint after work, and lie to me that he hasn't, that's absolutely his right! Likewise if I fancy a sly McDs!

Pandor · 13/03/2023 10:57

We share locations. If you really want to go off grid for “privacy” then it takes 3 quick presses and you’re no longer sharing your location, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt the need to stop sharing it.

i don’t find it an invasion of privacy in the same way that I don’t find getting naked in front of my partner an invasion of privacy (but it would feel very weird to do it in front of a stranger).

gamerchick · 13/03/2023 10:59

We've got life360 as a family. We find it useful to know how long someone is going to be before getting home. What else would you use it for?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 13/03/2023 11:00

How does this thing work? Does it stalk you and report back to your spouse/partner on a regular basis - or is it just a function that they can access should they need to?

I'm the first to protect my privacy from the government/companies/work on principle - and I find the default 'nothing to hide, nothing to fear' outlook naive and foolish in the extreme; but if you feel the need to actively hide this and remove the possibility from your spouse, I think you have worse issues going on.

HilaryThorpe · 13/03/2023 11:00

I was in an accident as a car passenger in the middle of remote countryside. I rang DH and he said I can see exactly where you are, am on my way. We wouldn't be without it.

whattodo1975 · 13/03/2023 11:02

If someone posted on here that her and her husband currently share locations via find my iphone but the husband has now decided that her no longer wants to share locations, every single response would be that he is having an affair.

So you can of course decide you no longer want to share location with husband, but you might need to think of a better reason than "i dont want to" as he will be thinking what all on here would think.

tenbob · 13/03/2023 11:02

DH and I share our locations, as do a lot (most?) of our couple friends.

It’s not a lack of trust thing, it’s a we-divide-and-conquer-with-the-kids and it’s a lot easier to spend 10 seconds checking the app to see where the other one is than call because they are driving/running after kids/swimming

But then I never really understand couples who have to text on nights out to say they are having fun, or will be leaving in an hour etc
I check the app before I go to bed. If he is still out, I go to sleep. If he is on his way home, I stay up a bit longer til he is back

purpleboy · 13/03/2023 11:03

We share ours, including DD20. We have such tight schedules it's so handy for putting on dinner, especially if we only have a 30 minute window to eat and get back out of the house for the next activity! Also when DD broke down and didn't know where she was we were able to help her.
I've used it when MIL has popped in so we can determine how long DH will be before he gets home, so MIL can decide to wait or go home.
It's just handy, could live without it, but it's just another bit of technology that makes life a bit easier for us.

lazycats · 13/03/2023 11:03

There was a gigantic thread on this recently. My take is, if you both agree and find it helpful then fine, but privacy for its own sake is important and you don't need any more reason than that not to want that setting switched on.

InsertMoniker · 13/03/2023 11:04

Do people really time their cooking around their husbands' arrivals home?!

I do. No point starting to cook at 7pm if he's not due home till 9pm.
Plenty of other stuff to do.
And I wouldn't wait till 8pm if he's already home at 7pm. In which case he'd probably do it anyway. There's only 2 of us though.

mumto2teenagers · 13/03/2023 11:10

We have now switched it on, DH lost his phone last year while out walking the dogs, he also had some cash in the phone case. He spent ages retracing his steps but never found it. So we now both have it, however since switching it on I have never looked at his location, and I very much doubt he has looked at mine, I have no problem if he does, just really don't think he would bother.

moonpixel · 13/03/2023 11:16

mumto2teenagers · 13/03/2023 11:10

We have now switched it on, DH lost his phone last year while out walking the dogs, he also had some cash in the phone case. He spent ages retracing his steps but never found it. So we now both have it, however since switching it on I have never looked at his location, and I very much doubt he has looked at mine, I have no problem if he does, just really don't think he would bother.

This is the reason mine is on. So we can track the phone, not the person

MsSquiz · 13/03/2023 11:17

Both DH and I use it. I don't have anyone else on mine, DH has his dad and brother on his.

I tend to use it as he will often say "just leaving now" and not actually leave until 20/30 mins later so I check to sort out tea, or have the kids ready for him getting back to go somewhere.

I'm not sure if DH ever uses it to look for me, I generally tell him where I am anyway so there's not much use for it.
He often uses it to see where his dad is as he lives alone and goes for wanders with the dog quite rurally so it's handy to have.

The flip side though is that SIL didn't realise she still shared hers with BIL who she is currently divorcing and she wondered how he kept turning up places she was or conveniently being out on a dog walk on the exact street she was driving down...

NeedToChangeName · 13/03/2023 11:17

It's slightly alarming how this sort of thing has become so normalised so quickly. It wasn't that long ago that most people would've reacted to the idea in absolute horror

@gannett I agree with you. Happily married, nothing to hide, no trust issues etc. BUT, if any of that changed, I'd want to be able to go about my business without worrying that my DH could track my whereabouts. People are astonishingly naive that it'll never happen to them

I also worry that, the more people normalise their partner knowing their whereabouts, the harder it will be for people in abusive relationships to protect their privacy. Harder to justify retaining your privacy if your partner insists that everyone else shares their whereabouts with their partner

JudgeRudy · 13/03/2023 11:18

I don't think there's a right and a wrong way but it's not something I would go along with. Having said that I'm the sort of person to make a fuss at the till when asked for my email address, and I dont engage in a question answer session with the Police simply because they asked.
I don't adhere to the 'if you've nothing to hide, you wouldn't mind'. That's simply not true for a sizeable portion of the population. I think the default setting for these type of scenarios should be off. If people choose to opt in for practical or snoopy reasons that's up to them.
If my partner snooped in any way that would be the end of our relationship.