Anyone else decline every invitation?

[abandonedmadem]

I hate weddings, I don't like socialising in large groups and I don't drive so there is a financial aspect.
My own wedding only had 2 witnesses (I would have had less) and no party. I don't enjoy it. I either make up a fake reason if I don't know them well enough or if I know the person well enough, they know I don't do that stuff.

I was guilted into a baby shower once and what's the point? Ill get a gift if that's what it's all about but I hate parties. I don't drink either which is probably a good reason. Everyone gets drunk and I'm just bored and tired and upset that I'm not sat in my house having a nice relaxing time.

I take my kids to parties but I hate every second and at least I know if I arrive at 2pm I will definitely be leaving at 4pm and nobodies going to try to make me drink or stay.

I know I sound like a dickhead and I am I don't even like seeing all my brothers and sisters and parents at christmas as its just too much for me. Sensory overload I think. Really takes it out of me.

The problem is nobody understands and thinks I don't like them or its rude but surely declining an invitation isn't really rude? I mean I wouldn't invite Sally to my bookclub because I know Sally doesn't read, so don't invite me to your party because you know I don't do parties!

Am I the only one? I feel like I was created wrong, like I'm an alien species sometimes.

YANBU but sometimes as a grown up you do need to suck up doing things you don’t like. It’s all very well not liking gatherings, parties etc but I’d be worried about alienating all of my support

What about when you are among friends?

I find that when you are feeling low, there is nothing like a good party.

Could it be that you've outgrown these friends? You've obviously got very different tastes and you describe the way they behave en masse as quite different to your standards,

I'm with you by the way to preferring the activities you describe to a boozy night out.

Do you actually get anything out of these friendships? If not, is it time to withdraw some more and do the activities you do enjoy either alone, or with other like minded people if you find any in the future?

Social gatherings are an important social glue that maintains connections. If a couple invites 100 people to their wedding, that could take up a year of weekends to individually meet the guests for a coffee or a walk.

Filtering down social gatherings if there's a lot is sensible, but for so few, it's very isolating not to go to any at all. My auditory processing isn't great, and I've found earplugs really enhance being out in noisy venues by taking the edge off the excessive background noise. There are other ways of making things easier, for something like a wedding, bring it down to the ceremony and the meal and leave before the disco, or stay in the hotel/ nearby so you have an escape route.

It sounds like the friends aren't very compatible. Joining something like a local history or walking group might be worthwhile as a way to meet more like-minded people. Even as a bigger group, it's less "chaotic" than something like a party. It's easier to dip in and out of conversation and just enjoy the activity.

The TV preferences do sound quite ND. There's nothing wrong with being ND if you are, and it's worth finding ways to make socialising more accessible, because it's worth having friends where you enjoy the same interests, and it's worth maintaining contact with your family. Some day you may need their support.

Seriously. my friends laughed in my face for wanting to go to an exhibition (free!) at a museum easy for me to get to and they all went out there instead. I felt so fucking upset and I didn't end up going where I wanted to go, just a crap pub down the road feeling like an idiot.

you have shit friends op 🤷‍♀️

FrostyFifi and Summerpetal

Were you always like this? Did you get nervous trying to make conversation and say random things without thinking of your audience. E.g going on about house maintenance when some people are renting.

Do you have sone good friends where you feel at ease? I have a few individual friendships, where I know them well enough not to mention certain things. If i do they say it and I apologise.

DH pointed it out to me in my 30s when we attended a work function. He didn't give an example, just said I was nosey and immature. Ever since, he says that I barely speak when I am out. I do try to act smiley and nice. People understand shyness but are less forgiving if you say rhe wrong thing.

Luckily I was very shy in my 20s, had a bad speech impediment and barely spoke. It was when I was in my 30s that my speech impediment improved somewhat, and I got more social, that I started offending people in random conversations at work or large gatherings.

I am early 50s now, and barely speak at dcs sports matches as I am afraid of saying the wrong thing. Lockdown and wfh has cut out a lot of the work random chit chat.

I know what you are saying the relief of knowing that I have not said something which was taken the wrong way is indescribable.

You are not alone in this. I've always been made to feel like a 'freak' by my DH for not enjoying the big family gatherings. I have always felt bad about it until recently. Now I've realised it's not weird to not want to go. It's my choice.

Can’t be a particularly happy marriage then

What I like to do is accept all invitations unless there's an obvious and immediate reason why I can't, and then make up a spurious reason closer to the time as the mounting anxiety and dread becomes intolerable. I don't recommend it as a strategy but I do relate to a lot of your post.

I have hardly any friends, unsurprisingly. I often think I'd like a few more but then I remember that I don't know how to do friendships, really. Luckily I have a family who seem to think I'm OK. For now!

@user1471554720 when I was a child/young adult I was very full-on. I spoke so fast people would struggle to understand me and I talked a lot. As I got older I had more self-awareness and started masking and trying to ensure I didn't say anything appropriate and got the social etiquette correct.

I do have a few friends I'm at ease with and they tend to also have ND traits but I don't see them very often and we tend to communicate via message/email mostly. I definitely find one-on-one easier than groups - we've got lovely friendly neighbours who have a ladies night once or twice a year and I struggle badly with that, I wind up being very anodyne to play it safe.

That was unkind of your husband. It's one thing giving someone feedback but the way he put it sounds unkind. It seems to be considered rude in the UK to ask very direct questions (I grew up elsewhere) which I find a shame so I wouldn't have minded you being "nosey" at all.

I think it depends on how much you value your individual friendships with these people (although your updates are making most of them sound like knobs so I can see why you are avoiding them!) but it’s a sign of friendship to put yourself out sometimes for the other person, especially for their big life events like weddings/milestone birthdays. For example, I don’t know a single person that enjoys hen parties and yet we all still go to the fucking things. We do it because we love the person it’s being held for and because it’s important to them.

So I suppose I think you are being unreasonable to decline every milestone event/party but definitely not for every invite to some shitty pub or club at the weekend. You’ll find that it won’t be an issue forever though as if you decline every invite you will eventually stop being invited altogether.

What I like to do is accept all invitations unless there's an obvious and immediate reason why I can't, and then make up a spurious reason closer to the time as the mounting anxiety and dread becomes intolerable.

Please don't do this. It really pisses people off. Anxiety is an awful thing to suffer from, but other people get fed up with you playing the "anxiety card" all the time. Just decline in the first place.

It's not miserable or bitter to prefer your own company, or that of the people you're closest to! Your comment shows a total lack of empathy and imagination.

I went out for a walk with my dog in the forest yesterday morning. It was frosty and still, the ground was crunchy underfoot, patches of snowdrops still out here and there. She chased a couple of squirrels and had a splash about in the river, and I sat and watched a robin for a while. We met one or two people and other dogs; we stopped to say hello. It was just a perfect morning for me, with the perfect amount of social interaction. What's so wrong with that?

Yes I know - that's why the next thing I said was that I don't recommend it as a strategy.

Me. Can't be arsed socialising to be honest 🤷 and that's my prerogative so i dont feel guilty. You only live once so spend it doing what makes YOU happy.

Nothing wrong with that at all! But it should be possible to do and appreciate both - the very occasional party for close family and friends AND quiet country walks. I'm sure the majority of people do both of these!

I don't enjoy weddings at all, spent far too many long boring expensive days trussed up in my best clothing and bored senseless. If we do accept invites, I just explain that we can only attend the church/ceremony and happily supply a generous gift.

You are only bored if you are boring, as my gran used to say.

I'm not a massive lover of parties either, and weddings are deathly dull.

BUT, I'd consider stuff like this the cost of admittance to friendships. If you want to have friends, being willing to help them celebrate life's milestones is the price you pay.

I'm always surprised at the number of introverts on threads like this who have lots of friends and get lots of invitations.

DH is very much an introvert and hardly ever gets any invitations to do anything. He meets up with two other men in the pub every Tuesday, but that is the height of his social life. We very rarely go out in the evening because he never wants to go to anything I like - a film, theatre, a gig. We get invitations for the two of us, but he usually declines so I go without him.

@Salverus

I thought the thread was about big social occasions, not spending time with family and close friends. I love my family and will always make time for them. I do have a couple of good friends, and of course I like to see them - but ideally one-on-one. I get distracted in noisy environments and I don't drink any more, so I find parties a real struggle.

I don't think there's any "should" about these things - for me it's just about accepting people as they are.

I don't mind weddings as long as I have a plus 1. I find them daunting otherwise. Same with parties. I've been invited to a friends 40th and declined recently. She's lovely but I wouldn't be able to bring my husband due to childcare and I would be there on my own and I don't know her friends. She was fine about it (I didn't give her a reason) as she has loads of friends anyway.

That's totally understandable. I would probably decline for the same reasons.

I can't stand these type of events either and as I've got older, have given less of a toss about admitting it. Life is way too short to spend hours doing something you don't enjoy. I'm not miserable in the least, just hate all the enforced jollity and having to mingle and make small talk. I think I'm probably a bit selfish as other people have told me they dread these things but feel obliged to attend. Luckily my DP is the same. We love small meet ups with family and friends of our choosing so mainly make excuses unless it negatively affects those close to us.

I think you have a friend problem. Going to museums, hikes etc are completely normal activities that lots of people like. Real friends would understand not everyone wants to be at big events. I don’t know anyone that would sneer about what someone was wearing either.