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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask dh to take all 4 kids out?

377 replies

Sertralina · 12/03/2023 11:15

We have 4 kids all very young still.

He goes away for work a few times a year for a week. On his "work" trips he also takes the opportunity to have a few nights out, meet friends and family and have a bit of a social blow out (all paid for on expenses). I'm 100% fine with this. If I was working and had the opportunity I'd dot the same, and I'd rather he got it out his system. Although it IS technically work it's also a really nice time, usually his work have paid for some fancy events and parties as well so he often gets a posh hotel and nice dinners etc.

HOWEVER I am at home alone with 4 kids, it's hard work and by the time he's home I'm knackered and running on empty. He usually arrives home on a Saturday.

AIBU to expect him to at least take the kids out on the Sunday so I get a break, and for him to put his needs second today?

I've asked him (a week ago) to take them all out today and let me have a day off. He replied with "yeh I'll take them to park for a couple hours" to which I said um no, take them somewhere for the whole day. I want a full day off. If I can have them all for a week on my own he can surely manage 1 single day. Its 11am and although he has reluctantly agreed, he's now decided he's taking a shower. So then the kids will need lunch....so they won't be leaving till this afternoon.

Surely it's not so much to ask for him to of got them up and out this morning so I can have a proper break. I've not showered since the night before he left...but he's been in a hotel on his own for a week and presumably had a nice relaxing shower daily....I just feel very resentful that I'm sat looking after the kids while he has another shower so he can finally go out with the children, presumable after I've made everyone lunch.

AIBU to expect more of him and to be angry about this?

OP posts:
catsnore · 12/03/2023 11:22

You are absolutely right. I would say just go out yourself - close the door and walk away 😂

We all know what the fallout would be tho - arrive back for the house looking like a bomb site, no jobs done and kids not fed..... am I right?

It's shit. You could leave him a list 😂

DisplayPurposesOnly · 12/03/2023 11:25

When he gets out of the shower, leave the house (go to lunch?) and leave him to sort their lunch. Ask him to text you when they've gone out.

GiltEdges · 12/03/2023 11:25

Wouldn't it be easier to take yourself out of the equation by just going out? Then he'll be forced to step up/sort it. I get it isn't the same as relaxing in your own home, but the change of scenery may well do you good.

BreadwinneBaker · 12/03/2023 11:26

But just don't?

Make yourself unavailable as agreed. Go out. Now.

Why are you just back tracking on what was agreed?

Why are you still around to step in?

rwalker · 12/03/2023 11:27

Your being unreasonable to expect him to take kids out all day out of the house

you taking yourself off for the day leaving him at home would be more than reasonable

Mitsahne · 12/03/2023 11:29

Just leave all day on a Sunday. If you've spare cash, go shopping or do something nice. If not, go for a nice walk and a coffee. Just leave him with the kids.

MedievalNun · 12/03/2023 11:30

Another one saying take yourself out of the equation. Is there a pool or something locally that has a steam room / jacuzzi facility? If so you could go there, chill then go for a quiet late lunch, maybe a mooch around the shops etc.

But yes he's being selfish. If he's willing to be at the conception he should be willing to be there for caring for them!

Retrievemysanity · 12/03/2023 11:33

If the kids are really young then taking 4 out all day is quite a task. I would arrange lunch and cinema date with a friend or something and leave DH at home.

Axahooxa · 12/03/2023 11:33

Agree- leave the house and he will have to act accordingly. You absolutely need and deserve a break, and a regular one at that!

SkyandSurf · 12/03/2023 11:33

I think the answer is for you to leave the house.

I don't know how old your children are but I would struggle to have four children out of the house all day. Do they still nap etc?

Can you book a night is hotel for yourself?

JupiterFortified · 12/03/2023 11:33

Just go out and tell him you’ll be back later?

I know it’s tough OP but you sound like a bit of a martyr eg with the lunch thing. Surely he’ll make lunch himself if you go out? Why do you need to do it?

Also, do you mean you haven’t showered for a week while he’s been away? I’m not sure how old the kids are but could you not jump in the shower once they’re in bed or occupied? You need to take time for yourself too.

Annoyingwurringnoise · 12/03/2023 11:36

You go out, now. Go to have some nice lunch somewhere, walk around the shops, go to the pictures, do whatever. Stop enabling him to dick about by being there and available.

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/03/2023 11:38

Not sure why haven't showered all week

Shower before you got it bed when they are all asleep

How old are they ?

Assume 2 least school age

And yes dh should be capable of taking them all out to give you a break

Out all day could be hard as it is cold at the moment

An hour at the park is prob my limit

Where did you want him to go

Def better to take self out

Go for a nice lunch /coffee with a book

Prob too late to see a friend

StripeyDeckchair · 12/03/2023 11:38

Next time he's away and returns on Saturday you need to head out and stay overnight somewhere and leave him to get on with it.

Don't leave meals, clothes , ideas of what to do or a mega tidy house.

Go home early Mon am if possible so you get a full day to yourself & turn your phone off (but say youre having a technology black out)

Original poster
Sertralina · 12/03/2023 11:41

rwalker · 12/03/2023 11:27

Your being unreasonable to expect him to take kids out all day out of the house

you taking yourself off for the day leaving him at home would be more than reasonable

Why though? Why is in unreasonable for him to take them all out?

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/03/2023 11:41

Even though I totally get the appeal of having the house to yourself, I really don't think it's fair to kick them all out for the day.

I think him taking them out for a couple of hours while you have a lie-in is a good compromise, then you can go out for the afternoon while he looks after them at home.

SunshineGeorgie · 12/03/2023 11:42

Take them all out where?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/03/2023 11:43

Sertralina · 12/03/2023 11:41

Why though? Why is in unreasonable for him to take them all out?

Show quote history

It's not that it's unreasonable as such, it's just that it's not necessary for him to do so in order for you to get time to yourself.

Would you like to be told that you had to take your children out all day?

wombat1a · 12/03/2023 11:43

YABU, fine for you to go out and to leave him at home with them, to tell him to take all 4 out to leave you alone again is U.

Dinersaur · 12/03/2023 11:45

Next time book a spa day, get up abd go out on the Sunday morning. Even if you just book access to the spa for the day, wear a robe, have a shower, steam room, a nap on a lounger.

Original poster
Sertralina · 12/03/2023 11:45

SkyandSurf · 12/03/2023 11:33

I think the answer is for you to leave the house.

I don't know how old your children are but I would struggle to have four children out of the house all day. Do they still nap etc?

Can you book a night is hotel for yourself?

Thing is though, I have all 4 out of the house all the time when he's away. We don't stay in the house all day just because I'm on my own, we go out. I have to get the older ones to school, I have to go to the shops, run errands, do life...I just don't see why he can't do that 1 time. He has a car. He could take them to see grandparents, go to the park, macdonalds, arrange to see family. whatever, it 1 day and probably a total of 5 days a year. Just seems like he gets a free pass because he's male.

Yes I could go out but then he'll just sit them in front of the TV and I'd like to spend time having a shower and relaxing, not walking around in the rain and the cold. Just feels unfair that's all

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 12/03/2023 11:46

It is absolutely not unreasonable to expect him to take them out, not at all.

If you go out you'll come back to a house in a right state, children a mess and him probably sitting there not paying attention so not actively doing any parenting and more work for you to clear up.
No, no, no, he takes them out and you can relax in your own home, that's fair.

ManchesterGirl2 · 12/03/2023 11:47

You definitely deserve a day off. But I think it would be fairer for you to go out for the day, if you want space, than all 5 of them have to go out. Looking after kids is one thing, being told you're not allowed to be in your own home for the day is another.

NuffSaidSam · 12/03/2023 11:47

Sertralina · 12/03/2023 11:41

Why though? Why is in unreasonable for him to take them all out?

Show quote history

Did you take all four out everyday he was away? Or did you look after them at home?

It's not exactly lovely weather.

I'd expect him to look after them all day and take them out for a portion of it. YABU to dictate that he can't look after them in their own home!

You are also unreasonable to not shower for a week and to be all 'well, I suppose I'll have to make everyone lunch'. Don't be a martyr.

SalmonEile · 12/03/2023 11:48

When you say bring them out for the whole day what do you have in mind?

I echo what others have said the best thing would be for you to book into a hotel nearby for his next trip then you can relax , meet friends do whatever you want and he can choose to entertain the kids however he wants either at home or bringing them out for a couple of hours here and there