Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask dh to take all 4 kids out?

377 replies

Sertralina · 12/03/2023 11:15

We have 4 kids all very young still.

He goes away for work a few times a year for a week. On his "work" trips he also takes the opportunity to have a few nights out, meet friends and family and have a bit of a social blow out (all paid for on expenses). I'm 100% fine with this. If I was working and had the opportunity I'd dot the same, and I'd rather he got it out his system. Although it IS technically work it's also a really nice time, usually his work have paid for some fancy events and parties as well so he often gets a posh hotel and nice dinners etc.

HOWEVER I am at home alone with 4 kids, it's hard work and by the time he's home I'm knackered and running on empty. He usually arrives home on a Saturday.

AIBU to expect him to at least take the kids out on the Sunday so I get a break, and for him to put his needs second today?

I've asked him (a week ago) to take them all out today and let me have a day off. He replied with "yeh I'll take them to park for a couple hours" to which I said um no, take them somewhere for the whole day. I want a full day off. If I can have them all for a week on my own he can surely manage 1 single day. Its 11am and although he has reluctantly agreed, he's now decided he's taking a shower. So then the kids will need lunch....so they won't be leaving till this afternoon.

Surely it's not so much to ask for him to of got them up and out this morning so I can have a proper break. I've not showered since the night before he left...but he's been in a hotel on his own for a week and presumably had a nice relaxing shower daily....I just feel very resentful that I'm sat looking after the kids while he has another shower so he can finally go out with the children, presumable after I've made everyone lunch.

AIBU to expect more of him and to be angry about this?

OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 12/03/2023 12:05

Sertralina · 12/03/2023 11:53

Just to add I'm not literally saying go out from the second they're awake until bedtime, obviously and I never said they're not allowed in their own home 🙄 But I'd expect him to have them out nice and early...10am till maybe 4pm. Don't see why he can't go out to a park, have lunch, soft play or maybe visit family (we have plenty nearby who'd happily feed them) and then come back late afternoon. I'm.confused why this is not something he can do? Is it because he's a man? Are men not capable of this? Why not?

Erm you picked him. You had four(!) kids with him. Why are you only bottle questioning why he can’t look after them?

Regularsizedrudy · 12/03/2023 12:06

Now* no idea where bottle came from 😂

Blondeshavemorefun · 12/03/2023 12:06

Sertralina · 12/03/2023 11:53

Just to add I'm not literally saying go out from the second they're awake until bedtime, obviously and I never said they're not allowed in their own home 🙄 But I'd expect him to have them out nice and early...10am till maybe 4pm. Don't see why he can't go out to a park, have lunch, soft play or maybe visit family (we have plenty nearby who'd happily feed them) and then come back late afternoon. I'm.confused why this is not something he can do? Is it because he's a man? Are men not capable of this? Why not?

Tho if he goes to see family he's not tech looking after then and feeding them

I get you want to flop out in own house and chill

Seems you need to have a chat with dh and say make a plan or I will

So go to park/see family if raining Maccy d lunch. Soft play booked in at 2. Etx

I am still shocked that you haven't had a shower in over a week

How old are kids - you said you do school run so have maybe 2 under 4/5 at home - put in front of tv and have a shower if you can't shower at night

LobeliaBaggins · 12/03/2023 12:08

YANBU.

But just this once, as he has been away, I would leave the house and go to a cafe
Next week, he should take all 4 out.

ManchesterGirl2 · 12/03/2023 12:08

georgarina · 12/03/2023 12:01

Wouldn't you put giving your partner a break, after she'd looked after the kids on her own all week so you could have a 'social blowout', as a higher priority than your wanting to potter about at home? Or is it all about his preferences all the time?

Show quote history

Well firstly, simply looking after the kids is giving her a break.

Secondly we only have her word about how fun these trips are. Personally I find going away with work tiring and stressful. If the social blowout includes entertaining clients its not exactly down time. After that I'd personally be desperate for time at home.

Thirdly, I think everyone has the right to be in their own home. He should look after the kids, but if she wants complete alone time it's on her to go out, not the other 5 of them.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/03/2023 12:08

Yanbu to expect and insist he does a full day's parenting.

Yabu to enforce that 100% of it is done outside the home. He can and should be in charge of how he and the kids spend their day together and you should come and go as you please around that.

Mumoftwogirls23 · 12/03/2023 12:09

You’re polite because I wouldn’t even ask. I’d just say right, I’m off to spend a few hours by myself. Have a lovely afternoon. Don’t call me unless it’s an absolute emergency. Cheerio 😂

honeylulu · 12/03/2023 12:09

Sorry posted too soon. In your husband's position I would feel annoyed at being told effectively that me and the kids were banned from the house 10-4. You aren't ever in that position when he's away. So easier if you take yourself out to see friends, shop, swim, cinema, spa, coffee shop. If what you really want is the house to yourself then say so but I don't think you can demand 6 hours in the house alone while they shiver in a cold park! I know I probably sound unsympathetic but I know someone who has 6 kids and moans all the time at not having enough time/space/money to herself. Well duh, why did you have 6 kids then?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/03/2023 12:10

Is it because he's a man? Are men not capable of this? Why not?

My comment has no consideration on the fact he is a man. What a ridiculous assumption. When I have full days in solo charge of my own kids I'd be pissed off if dh insisted it was all done outside. My day with the kids, my choice when to come and go.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 12/03/2023 12:11

I've 3 and I think taking them all out at the same time is tough. I'd never expect anyone who's not used to it to take them all out at once for a couple of hours. Get him to do an hour or two fair enough but not all day. Don't make their lunch- why on Earth would you? Go up and have your shower once he's out of it. Then leave. You can come back of course but I would be highly unimpressed if dh asked me to take mine out for the day unless he had something specific to do at home.

GrouchyKiwi · 12/03/2023 12:15

YADNBU

It's actually nice to be on your own in the house sometimes so I can see why you don't want to just default to going out yourself.

roarfeckingroarr · 12/03/2023 12:15

YANBU. His life sounds much easier and fun than yours. Does he not want to take his kids out for a daddy day when he's been away during the week? My partner takes our boy out every Sunday to give me a break. The baby is too small (and no trouble) but he'll take her too when she's bigger.

Prinnny · 12/03/2023 12:15

How much notice have you gave for him to plan something? If you just dropped it on him I think YABU, I also wouldn’t be happy at being told to stay away from the house all day! I don’t think doing the school run then a few errands with the remaining kids is comparable to taking all 4 out for a full day including meals etc and not being allowed home, surely on a day to day basis you go home to feed them and for naps?

Cosyblankets · 12/03/2023 12:16

I'm another one who can't understand why you have not had a shower.
I also think you should just go out and leave him to it.

LadyJ2023 · 12/03/2023 12:17

We have 4 and 3 are under 2 and although my hubby doesn't work away he works 5 days a week. We have no problems whatsoever sharing. On weekends he will happily get up give then breakfast, sort out bags and take all 4 out for the day and they all quite often come back after tea all dressed in there jamas aswell. Cars with big boots are a wonder 🤣 And even tho I mainly have them in daytimes during the week he will always come home, dive in with finishing tea, making baths, dressing, bottles etc no questions needed for helping me. And if I see he has had a stressful week I will take them out for a day at the weekend so he can get some sleep or bath soak or play xbox. I dont think your unreasonable asking him to take them out your entitled to some chill time in your own home to and it's not like there isn't plenty to take them out to these days either.

zurala · 12/03/2023 12:17

YANBU. My husband did this when the kids were little, said he will take the kids out but by the time he's got ready and they are ready it's 4pm. I completely lost my shit at him over it.

ohdoleavemealoneplease · 12/03/2023 12:18

You are saying you never get to go out or do anything.

Why then do you want him to take the kids out so you can stay at home?

Go out and have a pamper session and lunch!

You're still writing on here when you could have gone out a while ago!

ThinWomansBrain · 12/03/2023 12:19

Out all day sounds an ask when the weather is cold for four young children.
But not a big ask to expect him to take care of the children. Take yourself out for the day - nice lunch, cinema, long walk, meet friends...

AlmostaMamma · 12/03/2023 12:19

Sertralina · 12/03/2023 11:45

Thing is though, I have all 4 out of the house all the time when he's away. We don't stay in the house all day just because I'm on my own, we go out. I have to get the older ones to school, I have to go to the shops, run errands, do life...I just don't see why he can't do that 1 time. He has a car. He could take them to see grandparents, go to the park, macdonalds, arrange to see family. whatever, it 1 day and probably a total of 5 days a year. Just seems like he gets a free pass because he's male.

Yes I could go out but then he'll just sit them in front of the TV and I'd like to spend time having a shower and relaxing, not walking around in the rain and the cold. Just feels unfair that's all

Show quote history

Have you said all of this to him? What’s his response?

Xrays · 12/03/2023 12:20

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

But I’m stuck on the shower thing - surely if you need a shower you just do it? Even if kids cry for 5 mins it’s just life isn’t it. I’d never miss having a shower.

Shelby2010 · 12/03/2023 12:21

So this time he takes them to a cafe for lunch & then to soft play.

NEXT time he might think to plan ahead a bit more.

GoodChat · 12/03/2023 12:22

Who has looked after them all morning?

Lunch isn't your problem today.

LuAb76 · 12/03/2023 12:25

YANBU. It’s not like you’ve given him an hours notice, he has had plenty of time to organise something he just doesn’t want to bottom line & it’s selfish. My dh & I established very early on when kids were young that one day a week he took kids out all day to give me a break as I was sahm. I didn’t care where (inevitably it was his mothers but I didn’t care). If your husband can’t manage one day but expects you to manage every day then I think he needs a stern talking to, after all he’s not doing you a favour child minding they’re his kids too

vivainsomnia · 12/03/2023 12:26

As a previous poster stated, being away entertaining customers is not what it sounds like. I used to think the same until wives were invited too.

Yes we had great experiences and fun but it was also stressful and exhausting. Dors your husband ever gets a day when he is neither working nor looking after the kids?

I personally would never have chosen to have 4 kids especially close in age for the exact reasons OP desperately needs a break. It is obvious that this is a rarity and mostly non existent for most families with 4 children. It can't have come as a surprise.

DarkForces · 12/03/2023 12:26

It's bloody cold. I wouldn't be happy being told I can't use my own home when I want to

Swipe left for the next trending thread