to ask dh to take all 4 kids out?

[Sertralina]

We have 4 kids all very young still.

He goes away for work a few times a year for a week. On his "work" trips he also takes the opportunity to have a few nights out, meet friends and family and have a bit of a social blow out (all paid for on expenses). I'm 100% fine with this. If I was working and had the opportunity I'd dot the same, and I'd rather he got it out his system. Although it IS technically work it's also a really nice time, usually his work have paid for some fancy events and parties as well so he often gets a posh hotel and nice dinners etc.

HOWEVER I am at home alone with 4 kids, it's hard work and by the time he's home I'm knackered and running on empty. He usually arrives home on a Saturday.

AIBU to expect him to at least take the kids out on the Sunday so I get a break, and for him to put his needs second today?

I've asked him (a week ago) to take them all out today and let me have a day off. He replied with "yeh I'll take them to park for a couple hours" to which I said um no, take them somewhere for the whole day. I want a full day off. If I can have them all for a week on my own he can surely manage 1 single day. Its 11am and although he has reluctantly agreed, he's now decided he's taking a shower. So then the kids will need lunch....so they won't be leaving till this afternoon.

Surely it's not so much to ask for him to of got them up and out this morning so I can have a proper break. I've not showered since the night before he left...but he's been in a hotel on his own for a week and presumably had a nice relaxing shower daily....I just feel very resentful that I'm sat looking after the kids while he has another shower so he can finally go out with the children, presumable after I've made everyone lunch.

AIBU to expect more of him and to be angry about this?

I never really understand people who have multiple children, and then come and complain that they never have time to themselves, and can't even manage to take a shower for a whole week. Did you not realise this after the first one or two? And that it would get worse the more you had?

I’ve got 4dc and a DH who is self employed in hospitality so hardly here. I think the problems are you’ve accidentally had 4 dc with a man who is either too lazy or too scared to look after them alone and doesn’t really gif if you get any time to yourself at all. The reason you are petitioning for a whole day if because you never even get 30 minutes. If he was a normal person who would take the dc to the park for half and hour, call by the supermarket on the way home and then get the dc to “help” with the shopping and lunch prep then you wouldn’t feel so frazzled and be trying to order them out for 6 hours. When my dc were small I did almost all the parenting and domestic drudgery because dh was at work but I could lie on the sofa watching tv for an hour and he would make sure the dc didn’t barge in to ask me questions or sit on me or generally disturb me. He also regularly took dcs out for lunch with friends or family - not the whole day but 2-3 hours. I didn’t have to ask for these things any more than he had to ask to not be disturbed in the mornings when he’d been at work late the night before. He very rarely took them for the whole day as he worked every day but he did take them. Tbf I think it was because he actually likes them and enjoyed his nice lunches out but he likes me too and knows I need my downtime. I think you need a Proper Discussion about your needs and expectations because he’s not going to do it otherwise. You shouldn’t have to do it but that’s where you are, unfortunately. Knowing your wife is at the end of her rope and dithering about trying to get out of helping her is a shit move, even if it is raining.

Mine would take out ours for a whole day day at a time, no problem. He never even worked away and did his fair share every day.

Four « very young » children is a very different scenario

Next time ( make sure there is a next time) get up and leave within half an hour, do not come back until the children are in bed.

The weathers not great feeding and toilet for them you can only pace around a park for so long
where could you take 4 kids out for 6 hours solid

presume the reason u don’t want to go out us that you can’t find anywhere to go for. 6 hours

You have absolute right to ask for ‘off time’. You need a break as well. If he cannot understand that he is completely self absorbed and selfish.

If he's got somewhere to go I think it is fine, I had visions of him in the park for the day (it's raining here) so that wouldn't be great. Not knowing the ages of the children it is hard to know about activities, littlest might be too young for cinema or soft play, older ones might be bored but if they can go to the park for a while, if it isn't raining, then lunch then off to see gran or auntie then that is perfectly reasonable.

I absolutely understand the luxury of having the house to yourself. Hope you get a reasonable break.

A full day out with 4 kids takes a bit of a planning.

I've asked him (a week ago) to take them all out today and let me have a day off.

He’s had an entire week. Too busy partying and socialising to bother his arse to plan more like.

Let's face it with 4 young dc you need to take any down time as and when it's available, It's not like her dh was on holiday - after a full week of working away I'd not relish being out the house all day with 4 either and I'm not a man, so definitely not a man thing as suggested. If going out for part of the day gives you the peace you need than that's perfectly reasonable - go home once you know there are finally out.

Yes he should definitely give you a break but I myself feel daunted at the prospect of being out all day (even if only 10-4) with 4 very young children. That sounds pretty exhausting! It's not even summer. I think a couple of hours is often the limit at that age. Can't he take them out for a bit then supervise them at home for a few hours while you rest? I know it's not ideal as they'll probably ask for you...
Also although his working week away sounds nice in some ways (fancy dinners etc), I've done work trips like this and do find them exhausting. There's no downtime. You always have to be "on". When I get home I just want to relax! So I can completely see why you envy your DH's time away from family commitments but also see that he might need a bit of downtime too.
Sorry but I don't understand why you can't shower all week!! I mean I know what it's like with small kids but I do remember putting my baby in one of those bouncy chairs in the bathroom while I had a shower (so I could see them the whole time). Yes often they would cry non-stop! But they knew I was there and I could have a quick 5-10 minute wash. Or if they were toddlers I'd put the TV on. I assume they sleep sometimes too! It's just the thought of not washing for so long makes me feel all grimy.

I don’t see how 6 hours out of the house is too long tbh. Factor an hour driving time you could easily spend 1.5-2 hrs having lunch. That leaves 3-3.5 hrs Factor in a trip to soft play, or the park and grandparents house as OP has said are all options. It’s embarrassing tbh.

You don't say how old your children but if say two are at school/nursery during the week, you 'only' have to look after two during the day. Of course, it will be difficult but it is not comparable to looking after 4 kids all day without being allowed to stay in the house.
You absolutely deserve time off but it should be more comparable. For e.g., he gets to go on nights out, so can you. This way it is also easier for him if he just has to deal with making dinner, baths and getting kids ready for bed.
If not, perhaps you too could operate in blocks? He has kids for three hours in the morning, you have lunch together, you have kids for three ours in the afternoon (or vice versa).

You definitely should shower though. Kids in bed, 5 minute job, not really an excuse for not showering though.

The whole day!! Thats too much. I coukdnt cope with 4 kids for a whole day never mind if I worked full time as well.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for
him to take them out!! I take my 4 young dc our all day alone all the time!!! One poster said “an hour at the park would be my limit?!” I don’t get that at all! Do people honestly think that people with 4 children never leave the house with them
except for a brief park visit?! He could do a walk/cafe/cinema/museum/see family/farm/national trust.
When you’ve been rushing round after children all week you don’t want to go out, you want a shower, a
little tidy up and to sit and watch tv and read your book. That’s what I’d want anyways

He sounds a bit of a knobend all round tbh.

Like everyone else on the thread though, I’m much more invested in how you’ve not had a shower all week.

If @Sertralina hasn't had a shower for a week, would probably like one before she goes out.

I'm not so sure it's an excuse.

Has noone noticed the OPs username.

@Sertralina do you get any help apart from your DH? Any support from family and friends?

The fact you're essentially having to beg for some time to yourself is the problem here. He's a poor excuse for a husband and father if he has to be asked/told/begged for you to get some quality alone time for yourself after being the 24/7 parent for 5-6 days running every week, while he's off socialising in the evenings and getting nightly full night's sleep in quiet comfort. And no chores or cooking either.

I find it really odd he has been back since yesterday and Op still hasn’t showered.

I mean this with kindness. Are you struggling? Not just with being busy.

Self care is often the first thing out of the window when our mental health is on the floor. I get you are feeling overwhelmed. But it sounds like you are in a place where 5 or 6 hours child free, may not help. You may need additional professional support. Speaking to your Gp may be a good starting point.

Not showering for a week and still not showering now the other parent is there, is quite concerning.

This.

YANBU. Totally reasonable request on your part. Is there any way you could book time away on your own, maybe only one overnight while he looks after them?

Unless you go somewhere like Chester zoo which is safe with four kids. I'd find it a bit daunting. Days out involve toilet breaks, nappies changing, expensive eateries or a picnic packed up. I can do a morning plus lunch then crawl home. I honestly couldn't do a full day without another pair of hands

The families I know personally with 4 + very young dc don't take them all out all day alone very often, no!

He’s being useless and you’re being a martyr.

Your idea of having the house to yourself isn’t going to happen (cause he’s useless£, so next time arrange to go to your parents, or a friend’s house, or a hotel.