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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask dh to take all 4 kids out?

377 replies

Sertralina · 12/03/2023 11:15

We have 4 kids all very young still.

He goes away for work a few times a year for a week. On his "work" trips he also takes the opportunity to have a few nights out, meet friends and family and have a bit of a social blow out (all paid for on expenses). I'm 100% fine with this. If I was working and had the opportunity I'd dot the same, and I'd rather he got it out his system. Although it IS technically work it's also a really nice time, usually his work have paid for some fancy events and parties as well so he often gets a posh hotel and nice dinners etc.

HOWEVER I am at home alone with 4 kids, it's hard work and by the time he's home I'm knackered and running on empty. He usually arrives home on a Saturday.

AIBU to expect him to at least take the kids out on the Sunday so I get a break, and for him to put his needs second today?

I've asked him (a week ago) to take them all out today and let me have a day off. He replied with "yeh I'll take them to park for a couple hours" to which I said um no, take them somewhere for the whole day. I want a full day off. If I can have them all for a week on my own he can surely manage 1 single day. Its 11am and although he has reluctantly agreed, he's now decided he's taking a shower. So then the kids will need lunch....so they won't be leaving till this afternoon.

Surely it's not so much to ask for him to of got them up and out this morning so I can have a proper break. I've not showered since the night before he left...but he's been in a hotel on his own for a week and presumably had a nice relaxing shower daily....I just feel very resentful that I'm sat looking after the kids while he has another shower so he can finally go out with the children, presumable after I've made everyone lunch.

AIBU to expect more of him and to be angry about this?

OP posts:
LobeliaBaggins · 12/03/2023 12:27

vivainsomnia · 12/03/2023 12:26

As a previous poster stated, being away entertaining customers is not what it sounds like. I used to think the same until wives were invited too.

Yes we had great experiences and fun but it was also stressful and exhausting. Dors your husband ever gets a day when he is neither working nor looking after the kids?

I personally would never have chosen to have 4 kids especially close in age for the exact reasons OP desperately needs a break. It is obvious that this is a rarity and mostly non existent for most families with 4 children. It can't have come as a surprise.

Does OP ever get a day off? She can't even shower apparently.

mickeysmug · 12/03/2023 12:29

I’d have gone out for the day myself and gone early and come back later on. It would have been easier for you to go out but the sounds of it.

Vloader23 · 12/03/2023 12:30

You've not had time to shower all week?!

YANBU to want him to take them out but I probably wouldn't try to get him to do it on his first day back as he may be pretty worn out from the work week away and you'll get a 'fuller' day out of him the next weekend

Sceptre86 · 12/03/2023 12:30

He doesn't get a free pass because he's male. He's getting one here because you are a mug. Why on earth would you agree to have 4 kids with him when he has the kind of job that would leave you to be the solo parent? You've made your own life harder. Even if he got the job after you had the kids then you should have discussed it and said no because it leaves everything yo you. You shouldn't need to beg him to take the kids out, he should want to as he's been away from them all week. You would always be at an advantage in this set up op and quite frankly it's sad for your kids that their dad can be arsed to get his shit together to spend time with them.

You either put up with this or have an adult conversation about how this doesn't work for your family.

HoleyShit · 12/03/2023 12:30

Why should she vacate the house though? Why should he get to 'potter' after being away with work? Maybe the OP wants to do the same! Or have a long bath, or read a book etc. not every adult wants to get out of the house for their down time.

OP I agree with you - he could easily fill a day, like you said - park, McDonald's, visit family. The fact that you have lots of family nearby makes it even easier for him ffs!

WGACA · 12/03/2023 12:33

Find out when the next work trip is and book a spa day, even if all you go is shower and sleep it’ll be money well spent and you can get a break and a rest. Your husband is then free to chose how he spends the day with the children whether that’s in or out depending on the weather etc.

Defaultsettings · 12/03/2023 12:36

If you struggle to find time to shower in a week because of the needs of your 4 children then it’s unreasonable to expect you husband to take all four out for one day when he doesn’t do much normal day to day caring anyway. YABU here
The issue around him looking after the children all day without taking them out of the house is a different issue. YANBU to expect that.

TeeBee · 12/03/2023 12:38

When he's done with his shower, it's your turn. Take a nice leisurely one and go and read in your room. Let him sort lunch. Stop being the default parent. Just check out.

OakleyStreetisnotinChelsea · 12/03/2023 12:38

I can't believe some people are saying the OP should leave the house instead because it isn't nice weather or something. Ridiculous.

When i used to work nights and the dc were small at weekends dh would take them out around 9.30 and not come home until 3 or so to ensure that I got a good sleep. Parks, museums, walks whatever.

Op he is being bloody inconsiderate and absolutely should take them out and should have planned ahead.

Since he clearly can't though I would plan ahead yourself and book yourself in to a hotel for a night another weekend. Lounge around and read in your room, have a long bath, takeaway to your room, watch TV, sleep in, long shower in the morning.

He may find that planning a day out suddenly becomes more convenient for him.

endoftheworldniteclub · 12/03/2023 12:38

Going to the Grandparents also means he will have help if he's panicking about having all four by himself.

You really shouldn’t have 4 children if you’re panicking about that. Have as many as you can actually take care of.

motherofC · 12/03/2023 12:39

I agree go out yourself. I couldn’t expect him to be out all day with them either as I find it hard to know what to do with one child all day. I agree with you though men don’t understand that although it’s not work it is still mentally and physically hard to be a parent all day

Zanatdy · 12/03/2023 12:40

I think you’re being unreasonable and should have gone out yourself if you wanted the entire day to yourself. Or make it clear to him what you’re wanting him to do, so he’s aware he’s got to be out of the house all day. Surely with young children it’s much easier for you to leave for the day as you’re not having to be outside with them all day. Surely you could have found 2-3 mins for a shower all week? Unless your children don’t sleep at all.

Pastadanca · 12/03/2023 12:42

Why on earth haven't you had a shower all week? Of course he should give you a break when he's been away, but that doesn't have to involve dragging 4 children around in poor weather.

Lifeisgood1 · 12/03/2023 12:44

How old are your kids? I

billy1966 · 12/03/2023 12:45

Not unreasonable but clearly he doesn't want to.

You need to go away, anywhere and leave him for a couple of nights after EVERY trip.

Doing it all with 4 is hard work and he knows it.

A good man would do this and would understand what you are asking and why.

He just doesn't want to.
It's that simple.

Is he generally a bit selfish?

Donnashair · 12/03/2023 12:45

He should be on his own with them.

I agree with others though. Insisting he is out all day is unreasonable. Things happy, kids fall out m, get bored, throw up etc.

When he is away, you come and go according to your own plans. you can take them out and when you choose go back to your own home. it’s not ‘can’t go back home yet as it not time’

If he was at home and insisted 5 times a year he wanted to house to himself between 10am and 6pm, as it appears he never gets that either, would you do it?

He does get time on his own. But outside the house.

I get wanting the house to yourself I rarely get it either. But it’s difficult when you live with a lot of people.

motherofC · 12/03/2023 12:46

Sorry you’ve not showered in a week? I take a bath or a shower late at night when my child is well in bed and there’s no excuses why you can’t do the same unless they never ever sleep and are up 24 hours a day. No wonder you feel so horrible I do if I miss a day.

i feel for you but it is hard you’ve made a rod for your own back having 4 children with a man that works away and isn’t on the same page with you as care.

so it is now time to just start making changes setting boundaries and showering when the children are in bed or getting up that little bit earlier if they don’t wake too early and having an hour to yourself then to take care of yourself.

routine? Is that okay? I only have one so I can’t comment on four but I have a routine for naps and bedtime and we stick to it.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/03/2023 12:46

When i used to work nights and the dc were small at weekends dh would take them out around 9.30 and not come home until 3 or so to ensure that I got a good sleep. Parks, museums, walks whatever.

That's a different situation though - you needed peace and quiet in order to sleep and get ready for work - it wasn't so you could sit and watch TV in peace.

vivainsomnia · 12/03/2023 12:46

Does OP ever get a day off? She can't even shower apparently
Well it sounds she is demanding one under her terms, which is fine as lo g as it goes both ways.

As for not showering, it makes no sense, everyone has 5 mns to shower after all kids are in bed.

Sunnysunbun · 12/03/2023 12:47

Plan a day out for yourself. Leave at 9 and come back at 9.
I do that and it’s bliss.

fUNNYfACE36 · 12/03/2023 12:48

Why do you put "work" in inverted commas? Was it not really a work trip?
Personally I found work trips 4xhausting where you expected to socialise with colleagues out of hours and never get any down time to relax.i don't think it's fair to expect him to have them on his own all day

motherofC · 12/03/2023 12:49

I also recognise that my child’s dad needs to do it all work full time, be present with me and his children. Run a team on weekends and mid week. He rarely gets time for himself. So I now give him tiny little pockets of time and ask him if he wants an hour here or there cause it works both ways. I get my own time when she goes to nursery twice a week and I only work 7.5 hours a week so I do get my break. Have you or can you put any of your children in to nursery/childminders? You get 15 free hours at 2 years old?

PennyRa · 12/03/2023 12:49

Yes of course you can leave him with the kids for the day if you are struggling and want a break, but no you can't kick them out of the house all day.

Either stay in bed or you go out

bussteward · 12/03/2023 12:49

Ah, so OP has to be flat out with children all week and leave the house herself to get any kind of a break. And I bet she’s looking after them while DH is showering and getting ready for his day couple of hours out – even if they don’t need looking after per se she’s on the end of the “guess what I can do, look hopping”, “can I do some drawing?”, “I’m hungry” chatter.

I don’t think it’s a big ask at all to clear the house early, especially if there’s family they can go to – they don’t have to walk around in the rain. I bet that’s OP’s option because she wants some no-chat headspace rather than paying a visit to someone; the kids can pay a visit. It really shouldn’t be hard for him to get up at a reasonable hour, shower and dress, and frogmarch 4 children into the car. He’s dawdling precisely so he can do a couple of hours after lunch then it’ll be “ah, nearly tea time, and on a school night, we need to head home”.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/03/2023 12:50

LobeliaBaggins · 12/03/2023 12:27

Does OP ever get a day off? She can't even shower apparently.

Show quote history

She doesn't need a full day off to shower - she could do it when her kids are in bed in the evenings, or before they get up in the mornings.

Her not showering all week is her choice - it's not her DH's fault.