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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask dh to take all 4 kids out?

377 replies

Sertralina · 12/03/2023 11:15

We have 4 kids all very young still.

He goes away for work a few times a year for a week. On his "work" trips he also takes the opportunity to have a few nights out, meet friends and family and have a bit of a social blow out (all paid for on expenses). I'm 100% fine with this. If I was working and had the opportunity I'd dot the same, and I'd rather he got it out his system. Although it IS technically work it's also a really nice time, usually his work have paid for some fancy events and parties as well so he often gets a posh hotel and nice dinners etc.

HOWEVER I am at home alone with 4 kids, it's hard work and by the time he's home I'm knackered and running on empty. He usually arrives home on a Saturday.

AIBU to expect him to at least take the kids out on the Sunday so I get a break, and for him to put his needs second today?

I've asked him (a week ago) to take them all out today and let me have a day off. He replied with "yeh I'll take them to park for a couple hours" to which I said um no, take them somewhere for the whole day. I want a full day off. If I can have them all for a week on my own he can surely manage 1 single day. Its 11am and although he has reluctantly agreed, he's now decided he's taking a shower. So then the kids will need lunch....so they won't be leaving till this afternoon.

Surely it's not so much to ask for him to of got them up and out this morning so I can have a proper break. I've not showered since the night before he left...but he's been in a hotel on his own for a week and presumably had a nice relaxing shower daily....I just feel very resentful that I'm sat looking after the kids while he has another shower so he can finally go out with the children, presumable after I've made everyone lunch.

AIBU to expect more of him and to be angry about this?

OP posts:
RoseFl0wers · 14/03/2023 07:24

Dumpruntime · 12/03/2023 20:41

Because he’s not in here giving it he’s responsible to feed clothe and house 6 people, about how his partner doesn’t work, about how he has to go away for work and gets penalised for it like it’s a jolly by his partner.

Show quote history

@Dumpruntime I work with a woman who has 3 primary school aged children and lives several hours away from the office. When she comes in, she will stay in the city for a few days. It absolutely is a jolly for her because she can go out for drinks, dinner etc with colleagues. It’s even better when there are team away days.

@Sertralina just leave the house at 9/10am and don’t return until 5pm or whenever. Meet up with a friend. I think it’s hilarious that the go to response from Mumsnet is to book yourself into a spa or hotel.

Jack80 · 14/03/2023 08:22

I would just go out for the day in future. Leave him in with the kids, that way you will get a day to yourself. Even tell him in advance.

Sleepytiredyawn · 14/03/2023 08:23

I know exactly how you feel, you just want to be able to have time alone in your own home. Take your time getting ready without hearing Mum Mum Mum every second and stop/starting what you’re doing. What some tv, chill and if something need doing, do it in half the time because you’re able to. Not everyone wants to disappear for the day, although that is nice also, when time to yourself doesn’t happen very often, sometimes you just want to chill.

BCBird · 14/03/2023 08:25

Book yourself an overnight stay in a hotel,an air bnb or a spa. Yes u r not at hime but at least u will get a complete break. Nice treat to look forward to.

billy1966 · 14/03/2023 08:50

Sleepytiredyawn · 14/03/2023 08:23

I know exactly how you feel, you just want to be able to have time alone in your own home. Take your time getting ready without hearing Mum Mum Mum every second and stop/starting what you’re doing. What some tv, chill and if something need doing, do it in half the time because you’re able to. Not everyone wants to disappear for the day, although that is nice also, when time to yourself doesn’t happen very often, sometimes you just want to chill.

I agree.

Sometimes when you haven't had a minutes peace you don't want the time or effort involved with planning to go out for the day.

My husband worked away at times and would gone for 4 days at a time and with 4 children under 8 it was full on.

When he would return I would definitely need some time out.

Sometimes he went out, sometimes I did.

Sometimes I went to our room at the top of the house, where I couldn't hear a thing, drank tea, read a book, had a nap etc. absolute heaven and after several hours really felt the benefit of it.

Sometimes you don't want to interact with others at all, you just want the quiet soothing peace of absolute silence.

ILoveEYFS · 14/03/2023 09:42

@Sertralina While YANBU about having time to yourself, YABU to expect DH to get back and take the kids out. I have 4 DC so I've been where you are. I got into a rountine and it was easier for me to deal with the DC than DH. Because of our working hours, I did the school runs, clubs, day to day care etc. DH had just the weekend and so they tried it on with him more and they stressed him out more than they did me. Just kids pushing boundaries.
Your DH has been away for a week. Do you not think that he would like to spend time in his own home for one day before going back to work for another week. You're at home all week in your own space.
You said just because DH was away you still went out. You dropped 2 off at school and 2 with you. You expect DH to have all four.

You also said you didn't want to walk around in the rain but DH and DC should go to the park?
Have a shower, go out, see family and friends, have a coffee, a shopping trip. A spa day. It is easier for you to go out for the day and you need to get out as much as he needs a day at home Flowers

Feraldogmum · 14/03/2023 09:46

There is a myth that stopping in hotels and eating out is fun if it’s for work,it isn’t. My husband has to go away to meet clients and visit mills, as well as take visiting group employees out when they visit .He hates it,it’s a necessary chore and if he can do it by “teams” or get an employee to do ,it he will. Eating nice food isn’t fun if you’re having intense discussions and sleeping in a strange room does not make for a good nights sleep. Hubby is always ecstatic to get home.
Travelling is very tiring and all your husband will want to do when he gets home,will be at home,and hopefully if you’ve a good marriage (4 kids so guessing so) be with his wife and kids. Taking them out for a couple of hours, is more than fair enough.
I understand you are tired but would strongly suggest you go with him and you have family time together,that’s what you are. You don’t want him to start viewing coming home as a drudge,more work and anticipate getting grief the minute he gets through the door, when all he wants is to be enjoying time and rest together. Let him do the bulk of the work when you’re out,have food out together and a takeaway tea so you can chill in the evening.

Lovinmyblanket · 14/03/2023 09:51

It's fun when I do it. So it might not be your dh's experience, but that doesn't make it a myth.

inamarina · 14/03/2023 10:10

Feraldogmum · 14/03/2023 09:46

There is a myth that stopping in hotels and eating out is fun if it’s for work,it isn’t. My husband has to go away to meet clients and visit mills, as well as take visiting group employees out when they visit .He hates it,it’s a necessary chore and if he can do it by “teams” or get an employee to do ,it he will. Eating nice food isn’t fun if you’re having intense discussions and sleeping in a strange room does not make for a good nights sleep. Hubby is always ecstatic to get home.
Travelling is very tiring and all your husband will want to do when he gets home,will be at home,and hopefully if you’ve a good marriage (4 kids so guessing so) be with his wife and kids. Taking them out for a couple of hours, is more than fair enough.
I understand you are tired but would strongly suggest you go with him and you have family time together,that’s what you are. You don’t want him to start viewing coming home as a drudge,more work and anticipate getting grief the minute he gets through the door, when all he wants is to be enjoying time and rest together. Let him do the bulk of the work when you’re out,have food out together and a takeaway tea so you can chill in the evening.

I think this sounds reasonable to be honest. Both parents are probably tired after a busy week, both seem to want to spend some time at home on Sunday and both deserve it.
Him taking the kids out to the park for a couple of hours and then looking after them at home seems like a good compromise.
I really don’t get all those posters who make it look like OPs husband just came back from a trip with his mates.
Whether the work trip was pure stress or also had some enjoyable aspects - it was still work.
How can someone who’s carrying the financial responsibility for a family of six be regarded as selfish? I just don’t get that attitude.

emptythelitterbox · 14/03/2023 10:15

Feraldogmum · 14/03/2023 09:46

There is a myth that stopping in hotels and eating out is fun if it’s for work,it isn’t. My husband has to go away to meet clients and visit mills, as well as take visiting group employees out when they visit .He hates it,it’s a necessary chore and if he can do it by “teams” or get an employee to do ,it he will. Eating nice food isn’t fun if you’re having intense discussions and sleeping in a strange room does not make for a good nights sleep. Hubby is always ecstatic to get home.
Travelling is very tiring and all your husband will want to do when he gets home,will be at home,and hopefully if you’ve a good marriage (4 kids so guessing so) be with his wife and kids. Taking them out for a couple of hours, is more than fair enough.
I understand you are tired but would strongly suggest you go with him and you have family time together,that’s what you are. You don’t want him to start viewing coming home as a drudge,more work and anticipate getting grief the minute he gets through the door, when all he wants is to be enjoying time and rest together. Let him do the bulk of the work when you’re out,have food out together and a takeaway tea so you can chill in the evening.

You'd probably be angry if he told you going away was a blast, dining out, sleeping in posh hotels, meeting lots of people, working on cool projects.

That's how I found traveling for work and the majority of people I worked with thought the same.

Not a one would dare tell their spouse this!

It's a lot of fun, otherwise I wouldn't have chosen this line of work.

Most men tend to do what they want to do.

Feraldogmum · 14/03/2023 10:55

Well good for you, maybe your job doesn’t carry the same level of responsibility as others.As I said my husband avoids if he can,as do others we know.Personally the idea of being stuck in one room after dinner would be a nightmare for me. Perhaps you are used to partners lying about what they’re doing and if they’re enjoying it or one of 5hose yourself, some of us are more fortunate.

inamarina · 14/03/2023 11:22

emptythelitterbox · 14/03/2023 10:15

You'd probably be angry if he told you going away was a blast, dining out, sleeping in posh hotels, meeting lots of people, working on cool projects.

That's how I found traveling for work and the majority of people I worked with thought the same.

Not a one would dare tell their spouse this!

It's a lot of fun, otherwise I wouldn't have chosen this line of work.

Most men tend to do what they want to do.

Show quote history

Do you think you know her husband better than she does? My husband is not a huge fan of business trips either, I choose to believe him even if someone on MN thinks business trips are a blast.

BansheeofInisherin · 14/03/2023 11:27

I would so much rather sleep in a strange room and have nice food I haven't cooked myself- even if over stressful discussions- than look after 4 kids, including some multiples. Hell, I wanted to sleep in a strange room and eat food I haven't cooked myself, even with 2 kids:)

eastegg · 14/03/2023 12:09

Feraldogmum · 14/03/2023 10:55

Well good for you, maybe your job doesn’t carry the same level of responsibility as others.As I said my husband avoids if he can,as do others we know.Personally the idea of being stuck in one room after dinner would be a nightmare for me. Perhaps you are used to partners lying about what they’re doing and if they’re enjoying it or one of 5hose yourself, some of us are more fortunate.

Put the claws away! You said it’s a myth that going away for work is fun, based on your husband’s experience. It was silly to make such a blanket statement, then, when people give their own experience, huff that ‘well, it’s obviously different for you’.

billy1966 · 14/03/2023 12:45

emptythelitterbox · 14/03/2023 10:15

You'd probably be angry if he told you going away was a blast, dining out, sleeping in posh hotels, meeting lots of people, working on cool projects.

That's how I found traveling for work and the majority of people I worked with thought the same.

Not a one would dare tell their spouse this!

It's a lot of fun, otherwise I wouldn't have chosen this line of work.

Most men tend to do what they want to do.

Show quote history

My husband did a lot of travelling early in his career and loved it.

Flying business class, great hotels, all expenses paid and he always pegged on holidays in the newer spots or certain favourite cities, in particular inter continental trips.

Then at times it did become a bit of a chore and he found it tiring.

When we had young children and sleep was at a premium he was the first to say, finishing work, the gym/swim, a nice meal out or more likely room service and a great nights sleep in a big bed was a treat and a mini holiday for a night or two!

We used to laugh about it because the uninterrupted sleep was considered such a treat.

Not all business travel may be great fun, but some definitely can be more bearable than others.

In recent years it is rare enough he goes as he can send others and he always says that younger staff are queuing up for an all expenses paid trips to NY, Rome, Singapore, Paris, San Francisco, the Scandi cities etc. ....why wouldn't they be?

Travelling on expenses is a great way to see cities.

Grrrrdarling · 14/03/2023 12:53

Sertralina · 12/03/2023 11:15

We have 4 kids all very young still.

He goes away for work a few times a year for a week. On his "work" trips he also takes the opportunity to have a few nights out, meet friends and family and have a bit of a social blow out (all paid for on expenses). I'm 100% fine with this. If I was working and had the opportunity I'd dot the same, and I'd rather he got it out his system. Although it IS technically work it's also a really nice time, usually his work have paid for some fancy events and parties as well so he often gets a posh hotel and nice dinners etc.

HOWEVER I am at home alone with 4 kids, it's hard work and by the time he's home I'm knackered and running on empty. He usually arrives home on a Saturday.

AIBU to expect him to at least take the kids out on the Sunday so I get a break, and for him to put his needs second today?

I've asked him (a week ago) to take them all out today and let me have a day off. He replied with "yeh I'll take them to park for a couple hours" to which I said um no, take them somewhere for the whole day. I want a full day off. If I can have them all for a week on my own he can surely manage 1 single day. Its 11am and although he has reluctantly agreed, he's now decided he's taking a shower. So then the kids will need lunch....so they won't be leaving till this afternoon.

Surely it's not so much to ask for him to of got them up and out this morning so I can have a proper break. I've not showered since the night before he left...but he's been in a hotel on his own for a week and presumably had a nice relaxing shower daily....I just feel very resentful that I'm sat looking after the kids while he has another shower so he can finally go out with the children, presumable after I've made everyone lunch.

AIBU to expect more of him and to be angry about this?

Book yourself into a nice hotel with a spa for a few days & leave him to it. He is a capable adult who is literally treating you like a glorified childcare provider.
He needs to experience the parenting life you are just expected to take on while he comes & goes as he pleases & sees to his own needs before anyone else is even factored in when he is at home!

Cassiehopes · 14/03/2023 13:05

I honestly would struggle to take 4 kids out and keep them out for an entire day. It sounds exhausting! If you choose to take the kids out all day on your time then that’s up to you, but maybe he feels that it would be too much? Not because he’s a man, just because I think a lot of people would be daunted entertaining 4 kids outside literally all day without being able to enter the house again for a break! It’s definitely much more reasonable for you to just go out? Why do you need to be alone in the house?

EarthlyNightshade · 14/03/2023 13:37

Cassiehopes · 14/03/2023 13:05

I honestly would struggle to take 4 kids out and keep them out for an entire day. It sounds exhausting! If you choose to take the kids out all day on your time then that’s up to you, but maybe he feels that it would be too much? Not because he’s a man, just because I think a lot of people would be daunted entertaining 4 kids outside literally all day without being able to enter the house again for a break! It’s definitely much more reasonable for you to just go out? Why do you need to be alone in the house?

Would you be able to manage a day without going home if you were able to go to a relative's house?
Cos this was given as an option for DH.

I love being alone in my own house, it soothes the soul and helps get me ready for another busy week.

endoftheworldniteclub · 14/03/2023 17:31

I have 4 young children I'm breastfeeding

Would it not be difficult for him to take them all out, all day?

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/03/2023 18:57

endoftheworldniteclub · 14/03/2023 17:31

I have 4 young children I'm breastfeeding

Would it not be difficult for him to take them all out, all day?

I did mention this a while back

But not reply from op

But if she can't manage a shower in 8 days as bf twins then how will dad cope all day with them - assume a bottle

So surely they can have a bottle with the op if she is struggling

endoftheworldniteclub · 14/03/2023 19:19

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/03/2023 18:57

I did mention this a while back

But not reply from op

But if she can't manage a shower in 8 days as bf twins then how will dad cope all day with them - assume a bottle

So surely they can have a bottle with the op if she is struggling

Show quote history

Ok I tried to have a look, but missed it. I assumed it was one child then triplets from the way described. But without any of this information I don’t know who is being u or not. Obviously if all 4 are being breastfed, the father can’t take them out all day even with a cooler bag with frozen breast milk. Op has not been back so I think this is another triplets BS thread.

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/03/2023 20:01

Sure two are at school so would only be twins at home

But again I asked several times what ages the 4 are and no response

Sassoon · 15/03/2023 08:27

Tbh after these work weeks I'd tell him to take a few days leave and book myself into a cottage somewhere for a few days by myself. I did this quite frequently when my child was young and I only have one!

GoodChat · 15/03/2023 08:41

Sassoon · 15/03/2023 08:27

Tbh after these work weeks I'd tell him to take a few days leave and book myself into a cottage somewhere for a few days by myself. I did this quite frequently when my child was young and I only have one!

But then he's using half his annual leave in term time meaning she's flying solo with 4 in the holidays

K37529 · 15/03/2023 23:19

I have 3 kids and If I'm on my own with them and need a shower I take the two youngest in the bathroom with me, they play with toys while I shower, the oldest is fine to entertain himself. No way would I take all 3 out for 6 hours, obviously it depends on your children's ages but my youngest would be a nightmare out that long. If your husband feels its too long why not ask that he takes them out for a couple of hours and then you go out when he returns, that way you can relax at home for a while then enjoy some time out?