Page 5 | to ask dh to take all 4 kids out?

Sertralina · 2023-03-12T11:15:32+00:00

We have 4 kids all very young still. He goes away for work a few times a year for a week. On his "work" trips he also takes the opportunity to have a few nights out, meet friends and family and have a bit of a social blow out (all paid for on expenses). I'm 100% fine with this. If I was working and had the opportunity I'd dot the same, and I'd rather he got it out his system. Although it IS technically work it's also a really nice time, usually his work have paid for some fancy events and parties as well so he often gets a posh hotel and nice dinners etc. HOWEVER I am at home alone with 4 kids, it's hard work and by the time he's home I'm knackered and running on empty. He usually arrives home on a Saturday. AIBU to expect him to at least take the kids out on the Sunday so I get a break, and for him to put his needs second today? I've asked him (a week ago) to take them all out today and let me have a day off. He replied with "yeh I'll take them to park for a couple hours" to which I said um no, take them somewhere for the whole day. I want a full day off. If I can have them all for a week on my own he can surely manage 1 single day. Its 11am and although he has reluctantly agreed, he's now decided he's taking a shower. So then the kids will need lunch....so they won't be leaving till this afternoon. Surely it's not so much to ask for him to of got them up and out this morning so I can have a proper break. I've not showered since the night before he left...but he's been in a hotel on his own for a week and presumably had a nice relaxing shower daily....I just feel very resentful that I'm sat looking after the kids while he has another shower so he can finally go out with the children, presumable after I've made everyone lunch. AIBU to expect more of him and to be angry about this?

Verbena17 · 12/03/2023 12:51

You have 4 young children - I think you need to sort him out now or it’ll never be any different. The fact you have to ask him says quite a lot.

HikingforScenery · 12/03/2023 12:51

Sertralina · 12/03/2023 11:53

Just to add I'm not literally saying go out from the second they're awake until bedtime, obviously and I never said they're not allowed in their own home 🙄 But I'd expect him to have them out nice and early...10am till maybe 4pm. Don't see why he can't go out to a park, have lunch, soft play or maybe visit family (we have plenty nearby who'd happily feed them) and then come back late afternoon. I'm.confused why this is not something he can do? Is it because he's a man? Are men not capable of this? Why not?

How often do you take all four children out on your own for the whole day -10am-4pm, when the older two are not in school?

I don’t know how old “very young” is but four kids out for that long with one parent, doesn’t sound like much fun. I wouldn’t want my young children to be out for that long in this weather tbh

I agree you should have showered, left him to it and then gone out. Perhaps book a hotel for the next time he’s back so he can spend time
with them in his own way and you get to have a break

THisbackwithavengeance · 12/03/2023 12:52

Surely the nicest solution would be for you, him and the DCs to go out as a family?

Somewhere easy where the kids can run around and you can sit and chat with a coffee? It doesn't have to be stressful or hard work.

Couple always seem to live very separate lives on MN with alternate lie-ins, different hobbies, separate nights out, tag- team childcare. When do you actually spend time together as a family?

If I were your DH I would not be impressed with being kicked out of my own house for the whole day the day after I got home.

And again, there's the usual MN disdain for paid employment as if anyone who WOH and earns the money that keeps everyone else going is having a bit of a jolly at work and not doing much and the SAHM is the only one who actually does anything.

Floppyelf · 12/03/2023 12:52

What job is that by the way?

LobeliaBaggins · 12/03/2023 12:53

THisbackwithavengeance · 12/03/2023 12:52

Surely the nicest solution would be for you, him and the DCs to go out as a family?

Somewhere easy where the kids can run around and you can sit and chat with a coffee? It doesn't have to be stressful or hard work.

Couple always seem to live very separate lives on MN with alternate lie-ins, different hobbies, separate nights out, tag- team childcare. When do you actually spend time together as a family?

If I were your DH I would not be impressed with being kicked out of my own house for the whole day the day after I got home.

And again, there's the usual MN disdain for paid employment as if anyone who WOH and earns the money that keeps everyone else going is having a bit of a jolly at work and not doing much and the SAHM is the only one who actually does anything.

That is definitely not what she wants or indeed any mum of 4 wants!

DriftingDora · 12/03/2023 12:53

Four young children are a full-on job, so although I know I'll get criticism (bring it on!) for saying this, I'm wondering if you were already aware that he's prone to considering only his own wants/needs? If so, and he's a person who doesn't see things from the other side of the fence, that's who is is and that should inform any decision about having a family with this man (ie run a mile). He isn't going to change anytime soon, is he, unless he's compelled to for whatever reason or undergoes a personality change? So what are you going to do about it?

bussteward · 12/03/2023 12:55

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/03/2023 12:50

She doesn't need a full day off to shower - she could do it when her kids are in bed in the evenings, or before they get up in the mornings.

Her not showering all week is her choice - it's not her DH's fault.

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How do you know? Lots of reasons why she might not find time to shower: cosleeping baby who won’t stay settled in the morning hours for her to go and shower, early rising kids so getting up before them to shower entails a 4am start, kids with bat ears so getting up to shower means they wake up early and turn feral by mid afternoon, being knackered after doing everything all day and needing to prep the next day and also get some sleep so rules out the evening, clusterfeeding baby, dramatic bedtime-refusing toddler wearing her out all evening… We just don’t know. Personally I prioritise sleep over showers when I have small DC, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss having a shower! And I’d be a bit at DP coming back after a week away and leaving me with the kids again while he took a mid-morning shower at his leisure instead of chivvying them to the park asap – doesn’t have to be all day as OP prefers, it just get up and out of the door.

endoftheworldniteclub · 12/03/2023 12:55

Why don’t you alternate. You go out until after lunch, then he’ll take them out all afternoon and then evening together as a family.

liveforsummer · 12/03/2023 12:55

I don't think you are unreasonable for him to be left in charge but I do think it's a bit unreasonable to demand he does it out of the house. Presumably when you're alone you have the choice whether to be at home or not. Might be easier to take yourself out. Book a nice treatment or something, have lunch with a friend . Go home once you know he's left 😆

hopeishere · 12/03/2023 12:56

Just you go out. Mumsnet trope of a spa day or something.

I'd not want to be out all day 10-4 on my own with kids.

Leave now is he has to figure out lunch himself.

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 12/03/2023 12:57

I agree that him taking them out is much better for you, you can get a shower in peace, relax, have something to eat and stay cosy and warm (maybe even have a little sleep if you're tired). I don't believe the answer lies with you going out at all. There is plenty to do rain or shine, he needs to start acting like a competent parent and letting you have the down time you obviously need. The fact it will only be a handful of times a year makes it even more important he does it. Have another talk tonight and make him more aware of your expectations about the amount of time you would like him to take them out for, don't accept any excuses next time. 10/11am till 4/5pm isn't unreasonable.

secretmumoffour · 12/03/2023 12:59

I don't think YABU at all OP. Completely understand. I have four kids. DH goes to work all day while I do all the housework, child care, shopping etc but very, very rarely do I get a minutes peace! I often suggest DH takes them to his mums just to get five mins alone. It's not about being alone while your out, it's not the same as relaxing at home. I will often take all four of them out for the day with my parents and leave him at home but he never thinks to do the same. It's frustrating but I just tell him. Point out that I do take them out and give him some space so why can't he do the same. Men just don't seem to think in the same way as women.

7eleven · 12/03/2023 12:59

bussteward · 12/03/2023 12:55

How do you know? Lots of reasons why she might not find time to shower: cosleeping baby who won’t stay settled in the morning hours for her to go and shower, early rising kids so getting up before them to shower entails a 4am start, kids with bat ears so getting up to shower means they wake up early and turn feral by mid afternoon, being knackered after doing everything all day and needing to prep the next day and also get some sleep so rules out the evening, clusterfeeding baby, dramatic bedtime-refusing toddler wearing her out all evening… We just don’t know. Personally I prioritise sleep over showers when I have small DC, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss having a shower! And I’d be a bit at DP coming back after a week away and leaving me with the kids again while he took a mid-morning shower at his leisure instead of chivvying them to the park asap – doesn’t have to be all day as OP prefers, it just get up and out of the door.

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Don’t be daft. Not able to fit a shower in for a whole week?! Completely refuse to believe that. There may be other reasons such as depression, but permanently single parents don’t go round honking, do they.

It’s choice and it’s responsibility.

GiltEdges · 12/03/2023 13:02

HoleyShit · 12/03/2023 12:30

Why should she vacate the house though? Why should he get to 'potter' after being away with work? Maybe the OP wants to do the same! Or have a long bath, or read a book etc. not every adult wants to get out of the house for their down time.

OP I agree with you - he could easily fill a day, like you said - park, McDonald's, visit family. The fact that you have lots of family nearby makes it even easier for him ffs!

But it's his house, his time and his kids too. Why does OP get to dictate how he chooses to do it? Maybe he doesn't want to see family/go to soft play/spend his day off on McDonalds.

emptythelitterbox · 12/03/2023 13:02

It's so sad that this is even still a problem in so many homes.

Yes, he is perfectly capable of packing them all up and taking them somewhere for a few hours so you can have the house to yourself.

Just ask him to.

redbigbananafeet · 12/03/2023 13:08

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 12/03/2023 12:11

I've 3 and I think taking them all out at the same time is tough. I'd never expect anyone who's not used to it to take them all out at once for a couple of hours. Get him to do an hour or two fair enough but not all day. Don't make their lunch- why on Earth would you? Go up and have your shower once he's out of it. Then leave. You can come back of course but I would be highly unimpressed if dh asked me to take mine out for the day unless he had something specific to do at home.

Why is this father 'not used to' his own kids? Maybe it's time he got used to them.

Eyerollcentral · 12/03/2023 13:09

Sertralina · 12/03/2023 11:53

Just to add I'm not literally saying go out from the second they're awake until bedtime, obviously and I never said they're not allowed in their own home 🙄 But I'd expect him to have them out nice and early...10am till maybe 4pm. Don't see why he can't go out to a park, have lunch, soft play or maybe visit family (we have plenty nearby who'd happily feed them) and then come back late afternoon. I'm.confused why this is not something he can do? Is it because he's a man? Are men not capable of this? Why not?

Why can’t he just give them lunch, etc and take them out in the afternoon??? Wtf would your alternative to being at home be wandering around in the rain? You’ve accused him of a lack of ideas but you can’t even come up with, I’ll go and get my hair done and see a film. You sound super resentful that he gets to go away for work a few times a year and gets to enjoy himself. Do you not have a social life or friends? Why didn’t you arrange to meet a friend for the afternoon? That’s what every single mother I know would do with a child free weekend day. It’s bizarre to insist your husband looks after them all day but you still call all the shots on what he does.

LookItsMeAgain · 12/03/2023 13:09

rwalker · 12/03/2023 11:27

Your being unreasonable to expect him to take kids out all day out of the house

you taking yourself off for the day leaving him at home would be more than reasonable

I don't understand this.

What does it matter that the OP wants the house free of kids for 1 day? I don't understand why they would be unreasonable to expect one day where the kids are not under her feet at home and that she doesn't have to go out with them either.

The OP's other half has had multiple days without any sort of kids/teenagers demanding on their time. The OP should be afforded at least one day where they are the one that gets the child free day.

OP - if your other half doesn't get the kids ready, please make sure that you're ready to go out without them and leave the kids to your other half.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/03/2023 13:10

My dh willingly took dd off regularly. Far easier with just one child, I know. As she grew older, he would take a friend too. He didn’t plan the trips out though. I’d agree with him what he’d do, book it and off he went. My rule was don’t bring a hungry child home without talking to me first.

liveforsummer · 12/03/2023 13:11

The OP's other half has had multiple days without any sort of kids/teenagers demanding on their time. The OP should be afforded at least one day where they are the one that gets the child free day.**

He has had childfree days while he is outside of the home - people are suggesting OP gets the same as it's more practical for everyone that way

TomeTome · 12/03/2023 13:12

Get in the shower when he gets out. Wash and dress and then pop out for lunch.

PoliticallyCorrectCatCall · 12/03/2023 13:13

How are 3 kids so hard you can’t shower for an entire week?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/03/2023 13:13

bussteward · 12/03/2023 12:55

How do you know? Lots of reasons why she might not find time to shower: cosleeping baby who won’t stay settled in the morning hours for her to go and shower, early rising kids so getting up before them to shower entails a 4am start, kids with bat ears so getting up to shower means they wake up early and turn feral by mid afternoon, being knackered after doing everything all day and needing to prep the next day and also get some sleep so rules out the evening, clusterfeeding baby, dramatic bedtime-refusing toddler wearing her out all evening… We just don’t know. Personally I prioritise sleep over showers when I have small DC, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss having a shower! And I’d be a bit at DP coming back after a week away and leaving me with the kids again while he took a mid-morning shower at his leisure instead of chivvying them to the park asap – doesn’t have to be all day as OP prefers, it just get up and out of the door.

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None of that is a reason not to shower - how do you think single parents manage?

Unless OP is about to reveal that her children need 24/7 supervision, she can squeeze in a five minute shower before bed. Not showering is a choice.

PoliticallyCorrectCatCall · 12/03/2023 13:14

4 sorry.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/03/2023 13:15

LookItsMeAgain · 12/03/2023 13:09

I don't understand this.

What does it matter that the OP wants the house free of kids for 1 day? I don't understand why they would be unreasonable to expect one day where the kids are not under her feet at home and that she doesn't have to go out with them either.

The OP's other half has had multiple days without any sort of kids/teenagers demanding on their time. The OP should be afforded at least one day where they are the one that gets the child free day.

OP - if your other half doesn't get the kids ready, please make sure that you're ready to go out without them and leave the kids to your other half.

Show quote history

He hasn't had any childfree days to himself at home - he's out working!