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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask dh to take all 4 kids out?

377 replies

Sertralina · 12/03/2023 11:15

We have 4 kids all very young still.

He goes away for work a few times a year for a week. On his "work" trips he also takes the opportunity to have a few nights out, meet friends and family and have a bit of a social blow out (all paid for on expenses). I'm 100% fine with this. If I was working and had the opportunity I'd dot the same, and I'd rather he got it out his system. Although it IS technically work it's also a really nice time, usually his work have paid for some fancy events and parties as well so he often gets a posh hotel and nice dinners etc.

HOWEVER I am at home alone with 4 kids, it's hard work and by the time he's home I'm knackered and running on empty. He usually arrives home on a Saturday.

AIBU to expect him to at least take the kids out on the Sunday so I get a break, and for him to put his needs second today?

I've asked him (a week ago) to take them all out today and let me have a day off. He replied with "yeh I'll take them to park for a couple hours" to which I said um no, take them somewhere for the whole day. I want a full day off. If I can have them all for a week on my own he can surely manage 1 single day. Its 11am and although he has reluctantly agreed, he's now decided he's taking a shower. So then the kids will need lunch....so they won't be leaving till this afternoon.

Surely it's not so much to ask for him to of got them up and out this morning so I can have a proper break. I've not showered since the night before he left...but he's been in a hotel on his own for a week and presumably had a nice relaxing shower daily....I just feel very resentful that I'm sat looking after the kids while he has another shower so he can finally go out with the children, presumable after I've made everyone lunch.

AIBU to expect more of him and to be angry about this?

OP posts:
ManchesterGirl2 · 12/03/2023 11:49

You're being a bit illogical. How come there are loads of nice things that they could do out, but the only thing you could do out is walk around in the cold and the rain?

NuffSaidSam · 12/03/2023 11:50

not walking around in the rain and the cold.

But fine for him to do that with your four kids?!

I don't think you taking them to school counts as 'being out all day' either. Presumably he can't take them to school as it's Sunday!

Cornelious2011 · 12/03/2023 11:51

It's not unreasonable for you to get a day off, however I think him being out all day with 4 kids is not fair. Where I am its chucking it down. In your situation I'd have taken myself to a cafe, had breakfast, read a book, then told him to take the kids out for lunch then an activity in the afternoon.

GettingStuffed · 12/03/2023 11:51

Didn't you know that men can't look after their own children for over an hour? That's a magic skill that only women have.

This is not something I believe but some men seem to think so.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 12/03/2023 11:51

This poor little man can't seem to manage taking his own children out for one day.

redbigbananafeet · 12/03/2023 11:52

Don't make them lunch and remind him that they haven't been fed so a cafe will have to be their first stop if the day.

vivainsomnia · 12/03/2023 11:52

It's OK if planned in advance. As you say, take them to see family etc... its u fair if he has to come up with something the day before, when outside activities are restricted. It's very different to taking two to school and then doing required errands with two.

It's fair enough that you are knackered, but that's life with 4 kids, the life you chose. No point being bitter or resentful.

How about planning it better next time? He takes them somewhere in the morning, you have time to relax at home and you go out in the afternoon and he gets the home with the kids?

SalmonEile · 12/03/2023 11:53

He offered to take them to the park but it’s cold and raining?
I get that you feel hard done by because he’ll just sit them in front of the TV while you’ve been doing the hard slog all week but really I think you need to take back control here, have a hotel booked for next time

Original poster
Sertralina · 12/03/2023 11:53

Just to add I'm not literally saying go out from the second they're awake until bedtime, obviously and I never said they're not allowed in their own home 🙄 But I'd expect him to have them out nice and early...10am till maybe 4pm. Don't see why he can't go out to a park, have lunch, soft play or maybe visit family (we have plenty nearby who'd happily feed them) and then come back late afternoon. I'm.confused why this is not something he can do? Is it because he's a man? Are men not capable of this? Why not?

OP posts:
Lampzade · 12/03/2023 11:54

You need to go away for the whole night. Spend a night in a hotel. During the day go to a cafe / shopping and return in the late afternoon .
Do not prepare anything for him , just let him get on with it.

Wishawisha · 12/03/2023 11:54

I do think you’re being slightly unreasonable here. It’s fair to want a day off but that should just mean he looks after them for the day with a bit of time out rather than having wanted him to take 4 of them out from breakfast and come home in the evening.
Do you really take them out all day long when you go out? - no popping back to the house at all in between errands? A full day out with 4 kids takes a bit of a planning.

Definitely have your day off though. You don’t have to trudge around in bad weather - get yourself lunch? See a friend? Go to a museum? See a film?

ChipsAreLife · 12/03/2023 11:54

Totally get where you're coming from. I like to have time in my house to do things for me and it never happens. I'm always expected ti go out. But I would happily paint my nails, do some Pilates and watch Netflix given the chance!!

He could easily take them to family or meet with friends etc. that's what I do when I'm on my own with my three!

I know it's tough but You do need to try shower more though. Why didn't you have one when he got back yesterday?

WaltzingWaters · 12/03/2023 11:54

Not unreasonable for you to have a break all day. But I do think it’s unreasonable to expect him to take them all out for the whole day in the cold rainy weather unless he has a relatives house they could happily spend the whole day at.
A better plan would be for you to get a spa pass for the day. Or get two nights/a day at a hotel if that’s affordable.

redbigbananafeet · 12/03/2023 11:55

Sertralina · 12/03/2023 11:53

Just to add I'm not literally saying go out from the second they're awake until bedtime, obviously and I never said they're not allowed in their own home 🙄 But I'd expect him to have them out nice and early...10am till maybe 4pm. Don't see why he can't go out to a park, have lunch, soft play or maybe visit family (we have plenty nearby who'd happily feed them) and then come back late afternoon. I'm.confused why this is not something he can do? Is it because he's a man? Are men not capable of this? Why not?

Lots of men are. It seems your husband is not as he's never had to before. Explain to him what you want him to do, even though you shouldn't have to. Tell him to take them for lunch, then to soft play and then to his mums. Then ask him to pick up dinner in the way home.

Lampzade · 12/03/2023 11:55

Sertralina · 12/03/2023 11:53

Just to add I'm not literally saying go out from the second they're awake until bedtime, obviously and I never said they're not allowed in their own home 🙄 But I'd expect him to have them out nice and early...10am till maybe 4pm. Don't see why he can't go out to a park, have lunch, soft play or maybe visit family (we have plenty nearby who'd happily feed them) and then come back late afternoon. I'm.confused why this is not something he can do? Is it because he's a man? Are men not capable of this? Why not?

You are absolutely right.
The bar is low for men

ManchesterGirl2 · 12/03/2023 11:57

Sertralina · 12/03/2023 11:53

Just to add I'm not literally saying go out from the second they're awake until bedtime, obviously and I never said they're not allowed in their own home 🙄 But I'd expect him to have them out nice and early...10am till maybe 4pm. Don't see why he can't go out to a park, have lunch, soft play or maybe visit family (we have plenty nearby who'd happily feed them) and then come back late afternoon. I'm.confused why this is not something he can do? Is it because he's a man? Are men not capable of this? Why not?

But why should he. Yes he should take his turn to watch the kids. But I'd be pissed off if my partner told me I had to go out for the 6 hours just because they wanted alone time, particularly if I'd been away all week and was desperate to just potter at home.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/03/2023 11:58

Sertralina · 12/03/2023 11:53

Just to add I'm not literally saying go out from the second they're awake until bedtime, obviously and I never said they're not allowed in their own home 🙄 But I'd expect him to have them out nice and early...10am till maybe 4pm. Don't see why he can't go out to a park, have lunch, soft play or maybe visit family (we have plenty nearby who'd happily feed them) and then come back late afternoon. I'm.confused why this is not something he can do? Is it because he's a man? Are men not capable of this? Why not?

I think the point is that how he looks after them should be his choice, not yours.

georgarina · 12/03/2023 11:58

Not unreasonable at all. Tell him to take them to one of the places you take them in the day.

NuffSaidSam · 12/03/2023 11:59

Sertralina · 12/03/2023 11:53

Just to add I'm not literally saying go out from the second they're awake until bedtime, obviously and I never said they're not allowed in their own home 🙄 But I'd expect him to have them out nice and early...10am till maybe 4pm. Don't see why he can't go out to a park, have lunch, soft play or maybe visit family (we have plenty nearby who'd happily feed them) and then come back late afternoon. I'm.confused why this is not something he can do? Is it because he's a man? Are men not capable of this? Why not?

It's not because he's a man.

It's possibly because he's incompetent/inconsiderate/lazy? But you'd know that better than us. Did you make four babies with a lazy, incompetent, inconsiderate father?

Maybe it's because he knows you'll end up doing it instead of him, so he's lazy and manipulative?

You're probably best off asking him though rather than asking us to guess? When he gets out the shower, ask him.

georgarina · 12/03/2023 12:01

ManchesterGirl2 · 12/03/2023 11:57

But why should he. Yes he should take his turn to watch the kids. But I'd be pissed off if my partner told me I had to go out for the 6 hours just because they wanted alone time, particularly if I'd been away all week and was desperate to just potter at home.

Show quote history

Wouldn't you put giving your partner a break, after she'd looked after the kids on her own all week so you could have a 'social blowout', as a higher priority than your wanting to potter about at home? Or is it all about his preferences all the time?

Botw1 · 12/03/2023 12:01

Yanbu.

Have you told him to look for a new job that doesn't involve working away?

Skyeheather · 12/03/2023 12:03

Have you said "why don't you take DC to visit your parents today and I will stay here and have a nice day to myself". Sometimes you have to point out the obvious.......

Going to the Grandparents also means he will have help if he's panicking about having all four by himself.

honeylulu · 12/03/2023 12:03

I agree with posters saying it's going to be easier to achieve the objective if YOU go out and do something you enjoy. It will also cost less as it will be the cost of one person going out not five.

NoSquirrels · 12/03/2023 12:05

When you said ‘take them out for the day’ were you explicit enough?

What you need to say is (and probably not today, as you’ll be grumpy about it, so cool off a bit and then have a chat):

DH, when you’ve been away for a week I really need the house to myself for a whole day at the weekend. I know you took them out last time but it was only a few hours and you didn’t get going till after lunch and it made me feel like you haven’t understood how hard it is to look after them alone all week when you’re away and how much I need a decent break. So next time, can you plan to go for Sunday lunch at your parents? And maybe take them to soft play first in the morning?

Emmacb82 · 12/03/2023 12:05

I think if it’s the break from the children that you want, it doesn’t really matter whether they are in or out, it’s that you take yourself off and do something for you. I understand where you are coming from that you have to take all 4 of them out all the time, but the majority of that is necessity, to get the older ones to school etc. If you had one day off with them all, would you really choose to take them all out all day? And I do think it is different when you have them all the time, you get into your own routine and how to do things etc. It’s not so much of a big deal because you do it every day. It’s not excusing him, of course he is more than capable of doing it himself but if it is his day to have them, surely he can choose what he does with them? I think you just need to stop controlling the situation and plan a nice day out with a friend and don’t worry about what’s happening at home. I don’t get a lot of time away from my kids unless I’m at work so when I do get a couple of hours free time I couldn’t care less what they get up to, I’m just grateful to be free!

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