Guests who never like to join in party games

[SebHH]

We often gather in the same group for family birthdays/occasions- my husband and me, our 3 fairly grown up children, my mother, my MIL and my SIL. I grew up in a game playing family and always enjoy a game on these occasions; my husband didn’t and probably wouldn’t choose to play a game/certainly wouldn’t initiate one but will join in (maybe with an eye roll) if I suggest one. The difficulty is that my MIL and SIL always opt out- it feels more than their not enjoying these things, I think they worry about looking silly etc…They’ll sit and watch and are generally good humoured but it changes the vibe/makes me feel uncomfortable. It almost makes my feel a bit mean suggesting a game now.
My dilemma is… should I not suggest games on these occasions? Or should I go ahead if most of us have fun. A couple of things to add… these occasions are, for the most part, hosted by us- I wouldn’t suggest a game/steer the evening if I were a guest/someone else were hosting. Also the games maybe take half an hour in the course of a whole evening, so for the most part we’re eating/chatting etc
Any views welcome!

I love games, so I'd be happy with this. Half an hour over an evening is not OTT. You could always ask your MIL if she's happy if you all play games and she doesn't.

if you want everyone to join in can’t you make it a card game or board game when people don’t have to be the centre of attention. I’d happily play these games but just a minute or one truth two lies are quite stressful if you’re not particularly extrovert Like crap icebreakers at work events.

The op says they are good humoured and sit and watch.
They don’t sound like they are being rude or miserable about it, at all.

I don’t mind a card/board game occasionally but would hate party games, like some of the ones suggested. I hate the standing up in front of everyone bit and feel really uncomfortable. I’m happy to watch others if they want to play though. Just don’t make me feel bad for not wanting to do it myself.

If the person whose birthday it is likes them, then you should suggest them.

Go with what your ds wants to do on his bday!

The difficulty is that my MIL and SIL always opt out- it feels more than their not enjoying these things, I think they worry about looking silly etc…They’ll sit and watch and are generally good humoured but it changes the vibe/makes me feel uncomfortable.

This is very telling. You talk about you feeling uncomfortable and they are to blame?

Hosting is about making your GUESTS feel comfortable. YOU are not doing this, you are aware of it but blame them?

Are there other tensions with your ILs?

Your home, your sons birthday - you get to do what he wants to do - it should be optional for those that don't want to play - and it's only half an hour, not the whole evening.
TBH, if your son is 16, you've must have been together 20ish years or so - DH family members still turn up - they must expect it & can't be that offended by it.🎉🎈

Have you been living under a rock?
Amazon alone has 10,000+ games for sale - for adults, children, and mix, card games, board games, movement games....who on earth did you think buys all these? Have you never seen any adverts showing families playing games?

Fine if you don't like something (although describing it as awful is unnecessarily rude) but this wide eyed faux naive "really?People play GAMES with their families? Next you'll be saying they might meet their families for a meal in a restaurant or go for a day out together..." is bizarre.

Just because your family don't do it (really? No games ever? Even when you were kids?) really really does not mean its an odd thing to do.

I really don't like to be made to play those kind of games, but that doesn't mean it matters to me if other people do.
You don't have to pick one or other, just carry on as normal playing your game and not pressuring them to. Given you said they don't get upset about it isn't this a non existent issue?

I’d love to read this thread from MIL/SIL perspective!

“It’s DGS/DN 16th birthday tonight and there’s a family get-together, which we’re looking forward to – except for DIL’s insistence on party games. We don’t even mind the games if we’re just allowed to watch, it’s actually fun seeing DGS/DN and DS/DBIL play together, and we’re happy having a glass of wine and applauding. But DIL spends every game twitching and looking in our direction as if to check we’re enjoying it properly. It’s so uncomfortable! How can we get her to relax and enjoy the party instead of staring at us for not doing fun correctly?”

This sound spot on to me.

Out of five adults, only two actually want to play. I'd question how much the children want to, also, most teenagers tend to find playing party games with adults incredibly cringy.

Maybe do it this time if your 16 year old really wants to, but let SIl and MIL stay out, and knock it on the head for the future unless you are very sure all your guests want to do it.

No, I wouldn't make your guests feel uncomfortable by doing this. Sounds cringeworthy tbh.

My in laws are fond of games. I'm on the fence. Some board games are OK but nothing anyone is going to take too seriously, so snakes and ladders is fine, Risk is not.

Same with card games which with some Bridge Club members in the wider family is never going to be lighthearted and fun.

If playing games at the party means a lot to your son, it might be an idea to have a word with the people who hate playing, and let them know how much it means to him. People can force themselves out of their comfort zones to make other people happy, sometimes.

So only one lot of peoples feelings matter?
I don't see why anyone should force themselves to be uncomfortable or unhappy to please other person. May sound dramatic but that's a weird power play!

Totally this.

I guess it depends on what you were brought up with. We played a lot of card/board games as a family when I was younger but nothing that would require us to stand out and lark about as it were - so I don’t really know how to - or feel comfortable with with - doing it now that I’m older.

If they never like to join in, why do you continue to do games? It's quite niche. Most adults getting together for social reasons do not play games.
I like the odd board/ card game at home with my adult/ teenage children- an occasionally at a family party with other children. But just adults? no.

I don't mind a quick quiz or a dingbats round - we often do that at Christmas but "two truths and a lie"? No. That's the worst. Bet their WhatsApp group pops off after a visit to yours.

They’ll sit and watch and are generally good humoured but it changes the vibe/makes me feel uncomfortable. It almost makes my feel a bit mean suggesting a game now

So the people who want to play play. The people who don't want to play are happy to watch the people who do want to play. This has been going on for years and everyone's happy.

Except you. You're 'uncomfortable'.

So you're wondering whether this entirely workable longstanding arrangement should be changed for the sake of your own vague feeling of discomfort.

I married into such a family. I'm glad I'm ill at such times because I have an excuse. Christmas is the worst, days of karaoke on top of games, charades, etc.

What sort of games do you suggest and how do they go? Scrabble or monopoly if everyone "behaves" can be ok, but if things get upset/nasty then I wouldn't suggest. Beyond that games involving chairs, dancing, doing stupid stuff - no.

Maybe they’re uncomfortable with those games because they require ‘performance’ and quick thinking? Try something different like a cards or a board game?

Why would you suggest activities that your guests obviously don't enjoy? That's not good hosting, it's pretty self centred.

Just do something that your guests enjoy too.

That sounds hellish to me.

DH’s family are board games obsessed and very competitive. Even after travelling 5 hours to get to her house MIL will get the monopoly out within minutes. I take my sewing and a book and leave them to it. She feels I had a sad childhood not playing board games 24/7