Guests who never like to join in party games

[SebHH]

We often gather in the same group for family birthdays/occasions- my husband and me, our 3 fairly grown up children, my mother, my MIL and my SIL. I grew up in a game playing family and always enjoy a game on these occasions; my husband didn’t and probably wouldn’t choose to play a game/certainly wouldn’t initiate one but will join in (maybe with an eye roll) if I suggest one. The difficulty is that my MIL and SIL always opt out- it feels more than their not enjoying these things, I think they worry about looking silly etc…They’ll sit and watch and are generally good humoured but it changes the vibe/makes me feel uncomfortable. It almost makes my feel a bit mean suggesting a game now.
My dilemma is… should I not suggest games on these occasions? Or should I go ahead if most of us have fun. A couple of things to add… these occasions are, for the most part, hosted by us- I wouldn’t suggest a game/steer the evening if I were a guest/someone else were hosting. Also the games maybe take half an hour in the course of a whole evening, so for the most part we’re eating/chatting etc
Any views welcome!

Excellent post.
Op hosting is about making your guests feel comfortable.
If some prefer to sit out and watch , fine.
Do a games party for your DS.
The "who do I privilege"thing is very odd
Allow people to be themselves at your parties/ family events.
I would be happy to join in,my DH would rather die.
Stop being so bullish

I remember thinking "this cannot be happening?! Why is no one else horrified too?" But they are all fairly outgoing and will go along with MIL.

We also had a Christmas get together in a pub and she made us all wear yellow fleece hats and Minions masks.

This from a woman who won't don a hat from a Christmas Cracker in the privacy of her own home because they "don't fit my head".

the thing with introverts versus extroverts online is that here the introverts have equal voice, whereas outside the extroverts can often shout down and steamroll the quiet. And therefore think that they are both in the majority and in the right.

Different people are different, there isn't a right way and a wrong way to enjoy yourself with friends. If you like them enough to invite them to your house, let them do what they like doing while they're there - if that means splitting the party into different rooms for an hour or so, then let it.

I also feel disappointed when have to socialise this way - it stifles fun IMHO.

I look forward to sparking off socially and having a laugh with others but find this more difficult to do when interaction time is controlled by a ‘game’.

I suspect it’s often the least naturally witty / funny / emotionally intimidate families that insist on these structures - however sometimes they are needed to get avoidant types interacting as per “ice-breakers’ in the workplace.

But ice breakers don't have to have rules, or go on for longer that a few minutes. Something completely non competitive like seeing who has which thumb uppermost when they interlock their fingers can be enough to involve everyone (unless the group has someone with only one thumb - in that case maybe cross arms for the same sort of results).

*I always think that people who need to structure and shoe horn in ‘fun’ - fancy dress / games etc don’t have the confidence that their friends and family can go with the flow and bring their own social character and contribute spontaneously in a fun reciprocal way.

It always feels contrived, anxious and controlled to me.*

Oh for goodness sake, these arguments always come up, with people trying to explain why people who play games must be less interesting, intelligent people. To those who enjoy games, it's not "forced fun", it's just fun, something we find genuinely enjoyable, so why wouldn't we do it. Somewhat like dancing on a night out, does that make people less intelligent than people just having a conversation?

The issue here isn't people enjoying games, it's people insisting that others who don't enjoy games should participate.

It’s an attempt to belittle - putting someone down to keep themselves afloat.

No room for accepting and tolerating differences. They are uncomfortable because you don’t do things their way.

Live and let live.

I don’t like contrived fun - but I always join in and most times I enjoy it - although not as much as spontaneous stuff - but although I might hold my private preferences / judgments to myself - I wouldn’t insult or deride anyone for taking part or choosing not to.

Seems ironic if the organised fun is mandatory and and people making their own personal preferences not to join in are viewed negatively.

I hate this sort of nonsense- I'm very social but I hate that weird awkwardness! Just understand that somethings aren't for everyone

Spot on …. and judging them harshly for it.

@aSofaNearYou in this situation it is forced fun, because op thinks her ds' wish to play these games supercedes others wishes to NOT play, and as its his birthday they need to do what he wants regardless of their own thoughts and feelings.

I really enjoy games, but not on every occasion, and I prefer non-spotlight ones.

It never escapes my notice that the people who insist on games are always the ones who suggest attention focused ones, and are the ones who make the biggest show of themselves whilst pushing clearly uncomfortable people to do the same.

My ILs family friends are like that, and I sort of mother hen the new girlfriends in the family if they look freaked out. Find an excuse to spend too long pouring wine with them in the kitchen, because I've been there myself!

Wonder what people would think if birthday boy and ops family's fun was outdoor fitness?
Dh who is ex army idea and his dbro idea of fun is to go out and bag some Monros.
So should he get to insist that everyone goes hillclimbing now for his birthday?

I'm not really talking about that though - obviously it's forced if you're trying to force others to do it. I'm talking about the more general arguments that are always brought up about people who enjoy playing games

@Lemons1571 they are very much better than me in every way, however also absolutely lovely so I feel even more inadequate. If they were horrible it would give me something to work with!

Also it's the idea of going to someone's house and being on their timings, if lunch isn't ready having to sit and make small talk, not say anything offensive, sit up straight, pull in my stomach next to my SIL who is stunning etc. Its my own self confidence, they have never made me feel anything other than welcome.

I go for quite long toilet trips to get some breathing space, I always volunteer to take the dog out if needed and I drive so that I don't add alcohol to the mix.

Imagine having to do party games too😱

Just grim. Whatever happened to conversation?

Actually it's rude to make guests perform acts they find unpleasant.

If the games are more important than the guests, don't invite the guests.

For a three-year-old, not a 16-year-old.

I would hate this. Please learnt to appreciate that not everyone likes games. Perhaps save the gems for your family occasions .

With regard to your DS's birthday, if he wants to play a game at the family get together, then I reckon that's reasonable. Just as long as nobody feels obliged to join in. In other words, do what you normally do. If the other guests are happy watching, then I don't think there's an issue.

FWIW I wouldn't join in, but would be happy to watch. Everybody's different.

Of course it’s ‘forced fun’ if it’s not your version of ‘fun’. Some people might love

Interesting ‘that these arguments always come up’ …. maybe there is something in that…..maybe many others hold a different but equally valid opinion to yours - is that hard to hold?

If that’s how you enjoy social interactions then crack on with others that enjoy it that way too - not everyone is comfortable in spontaneous social settings or in structured social settings.

Horses for courses. Shouldn’t be any demand or expectation of others who find fun in different ways.

That’s what this thread is about - some see the issue is actually OPs own discomfort around her ILs not joining in with her version of ‘fun’ and she doesn’t seem to just accept their personal choice.

We play games as a family. When we feel like it. And if all of us want to.
I'd sooner stick needles up my vajazzle than go to someone's house to find party games planned.
Likewise, if I'm sitting down at a wedding that's because I'm feeling like fucking sitting down not because I'm waiting for some pissed twat to come and try and get me into a line dancing formation.

Brilliant insight.

I don’t think anyone should insist anyone do anything.

Birthday boy / host has to strike a balance between what they want to do and what they think their guests want to do - do they want to do stuff together or alone?