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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A 6am text

275 replies

inthegoodlife · 12/03/2023 06:54

I've NC for this one.
I ran into a friend on Friday and told her than my young children were going away for Saturday night. This is a relatively new arrangement with their father and I get quite anxious when they're there but it only happens once a fortnight and really enjoy that night off despite the anxiety and missing them. Normally I just want to relax and have a lay in so I am recharged for the week.
She's known me for a few years and knows how much I've struggled with fatigue and the general stress of having two little ones on my own.
The other thing is, there have been a couple of issues previously that I've let slide that made me question the relationship and whether she was a genuine friend or not, but they're not clear cut and she can be good fun so I wanted to see past it.
Anyway, when my children stay with their father, I always keep my phone on in case there's an issue. This morning, after having the conversation on Friday with her about having my night off and looking forward to a lay in, my phone pings at 6am. I instantly check it thinking it's the children and it's her! forwarding an article about something health related. Then it pings again, with a follow up message.
Would anyone here text at 6am on a Sunday something unimportant?

OP posts:
ShadowPuppets · 12/03/2023 07:35

Of my best group of friends, one lives in the Caribbean and the other regularly travels to Asia with work, and a couple of us have v young babies. As a result texts in the group get sent at all hours! I have my phone set up so that between the hours of 11pm - 6am the only things that can come through are calls from DH, my parents, my sister and her partner, my mother in law, MIL’s best friend (because she’d definitely be the one to ring if an emergency with MIL), and my best friends. No texts whatsoever. I also have the DC’s nursery set to ring with a loud ringing irregardless of whether my phone is on silent for eg a meeting. So it’s definitely worth looking into doing, and I wouldn’t assume that a 6am text was set to disturb you. I often reply at that hour as up with kids and if someone complained I would be a bit put out - surely it’s on them to put their phone on silent or turn it off if they don’t want to hear it? Where does it stop, would you be annoyed about me sending you an email at 6am?

Original poster
inthegoodlife · 12/03/2023 07:36

donttellmehesalive · 12/03/2023 07:32

I message at all hours and so do my friends. One friend works shifts so is at work all night and asleep all day. It's never occurred to me that anyone would have their phone in the bedroom without putting it on silent or setting a do not disturb. Even if your friend hadn't text you, you could have had a sales text or a notification from an app. I think it's ott to question your friendship because she assumed your phone would be off, and replies saying 'she's not your friend' and similar are mad.

I do see your point but just for some perspective, I am a bit older (mid 40s) and was very late to the game getting an iPhone. I don't really use apps, etc and believe it or not I didn't know about the special settings in the do not disturb function. Glad I do now though!

OP posts:
donttellmehesalive · 12/03/2023 07:37

Surely the 'acceptable time to ring' etiquette dates back to when the landline would trill loudly throughout the house. Now, you have the power to silence your phone until you're ready to look at it.

smellyflowers · 12/03/2023 07:37

My phone has a do not disturb unless they ring twice or its a certain contact I think.

Original poster
inthegoodlife · 12/03/2023 07:37

ShadowPuppets · 12/03/2023 07:35

Of my best group of friends, one lives in the Caribbean and the other regularly travels to Asia with work, and a couple of us have v young babies. As a result texts in the group get sent at all hours! I have my phone set up so that between the hours of 11pm - 6am the only things that can come through are calls from DH, my parents, my sister and her partner, my mother in law, MIL’s best friend (because she’d definitely be the one to ring if an emergency with MIL), and my best friends. No texts whatsoever. I also have the DC’s nursery set to ring with a loud ringing irregardless of whether my phone is on silent for eg a meeting. So it’s definitely worth looking into doing, and I wouldn’t assume that a 6am text was set to disturb you. I often reply at that hour as up with kids and if someone complained I would be a bit put out - surely it’s on them to put their phone on silent or turn it off if they don’t want to hear it? Where does it stop, would you be annoyed about me sending you an email at 6am?

email and text are still quite different to me

OP posts:
smellyflowers · 12/03/2023 07:38

I think if she doesn't usually text you that early and knew you were having a lie in then yeah..she's being a moo

Theos · 12/03/2023 07:39

smellyflowers · 12/03/2023 07:37

My phone has a do not disturb unless they ring twice or its a certain contact I think.

This. It’s not her fault you leave your phone on or lack technical know how

FFF3 · 12/03/2023 07:39

I’d message any time of day - again another one up all hours with a baby. But also imagining shift workers etc who are up during the night etc. I would assume it’s up to the recipient when he or she does or doesn’t want to receive notification. The notion of not contacting at 6am unless an emergency is quite archaic to me - when there were only landlines.

Rainforest6 · 12/03/2023 07:40

inthegoodlife · 12/03/2023 07:37

email and text are still quite different to me

Show quote history

Genuine question.
Why?
On my phone they both appear with the same level (albeit different pattern) of notification

milveycrohn · 12/03/2023 07:40

Put your phone on 'do not disturb'. Urgent calls still get through. You have to ring more than once.

againandagain1000 · 12/03/2023 07:41

I was going to mention the settings but lots of others have.

Also, I never ever would have before texted someone early like that. But since having a baby who is a few months old I have without realising sometimes.

I messaged a friend the other day at 6am as I was up with the baby and replying to her message and only realised 30 mins later what time it was!!! I apologised later in the day in case i'd disturbed her.

If she has a baby that could be why maybe?

Maybe she genuinely didn't think? Unless you do think she would do this deliberately or maliciously?

PARunnerGirl · 12/03/2023 07:41

Your friend may well be a PITA but I think this is not something to add more fuel to the fire over! Your phone could have made any other sort of noise if you just have it set-up like that overnight. Like most others, mine is on DND with emergency contacts like my elderly parents, siblings etc able to override that.

toastofthetown · 12/03/2023 07:42

I send texts at any time. I assume that if people don’t want to be disturbed by text messages that they either have their phone in a different room, have their phone off/on silent or have Do Not Disturb ok. Do Not Disturb was first released on iPhone eleven years ago so I don’t think it’s unfair to assume that if someone cared about filtering notifications at night, they’d have set it up. It’s annoying that your lie in was interrupted but it’s not your friend’s fault.

DH is away and messaged me at 1:30 last night and I was blissfully unaware until I woke up this morning. If he’d have rang with an emergency it would have gone through, as would calls from anyone who immediately calls back.

ShadowPuppets · 12/03/2023 07:43

inthegoodlife · 12/03/2023 07:37

email and text are still quite different to me

Show quote history

Really? Both are:

  • written communications
  • sent to your phone
  • not requiring an immediate response
  • that will make your phone make a noise if not on silent/do not disturb
HikingforScenery · 12/03/2023 07:43

I never have my phone on that early

Some of my friends and siblings text me before at around 6. I don’t mind because I would be disturbed.

I think concluding that someone isn’t a good friend because they text you at 6al is ridiculous tbh

Londonnight · 12/03/2023 07:44

I use do not disturb on mine to prevent things like this. I have mine set up so it stops most notifications, but allows my parents and my adult children to contact me. Check your settings.

It would annoy me too having texts or messages at that time in the morning. The slightest noise wakes me, hence why I have do not disturb on my phone.

Rainforest6 · 12/03/2023 07:46

On the note of other notifications, I've got one re emails, one from a Facebook comment, snap chat, one from an Instagram follow etc. Lots of things generate online notifications, is it rude to like, comment or interact on social media if sending a text would be rude?

CurlewKate · 12/03/2023 07:46

Rainforest6 · 12/03/2023 07:32

I definitely think it's a generational thing, I don't know anyone that would consider a text in the same bracket as a phone call.

It's definitely the same as an email for me

Nothing to do with "generations." Everything to do with understanding how phones work! As someone said, a text is like a letter you open at your leisure-it's not a knock on the door or a phone call. And I am oooollllldddd!

sorrynotathome · 12/03/2023 07:47

Rainforest6 · 12/03/2023 07:40

Genuine question.
Why?
On my phone they both appear with the same level (albeit different pattern) of notification

Show quote history

Guess what? We don't all have the same phone and notification settings as you!! I've silenced emails, for example...

namechange3394 · 12/03/2023 07:48

Valhalla17 · 12/03/2023 07:22

You'll have lots of responses telling you to set up alerts and notification sounds on your phone accordingly OP, putting the responsibility on you etc - but regardless of all that, i find it bloody rude and inconsiderate. I wouldn't send a message to someone at that hour, nor past about 10pm unless there was an emergency or it was a close friend where we have that routine already. Its not like email, its like calling someone's landlines in my opinion....I wouldn't call that at certain times either.

See that is interesting because it is much more like email to me. Both are notifications on my phone. And I manage those appropriately because I don't want to be woken up.

toastofthetown · 12/03/2023 07:48

Rhino94 · 12/03/2023 07:29

i would say her intention was to wake you as she knows fully well you had a lay in. I would respond at 11 saying sorry only just got up or something, don’t give her the satisfaction!

Why on earth would you assume that? I assume she was up at that time, saw an article she thought he OP would be interested in and sent it on, assuming the OP had taken one of many options to manage her notifications overnight.

TheWitchCirce · 12/03/2023 07:48

You're over thinking this. This was not a malicious act.

MorganSeventh · 12/03/2023 07:48

I think 'put your phone on DND' may be the new cancel the cheque...

mrshenny · 12/03/2023 07:49

As a PP said, set it to do not disturb with the exception of whoever might need you in an emergency. Mum, kids Dad etc. There calls and messages will then come through!

It's a bit shitty of her but I wouldn't assume she's done in maliciously. I assume everyone just has their phone on silent nowadays. My friend text me this morning at 7am and we often text quite early as we have young kids so we are up, but my phone is set to silent.

Emmamoo89 · 12/03/2023 07:50

She's definitely not your friend