To be annoyed at DD?

[Chocolate245]

Dd18 has had driving lessons for 5/6 months. We have spent over 2 grand for the lessons, so it has been expensive She was meant to do her test at the beginning of April, but her instructor says she is still so nervous and anxious and will definitely not be ready then. I have taken her out a few times and it is clear that she just gets so stressed when driving, but she has had lots of lessons.

The thing is, DD is doing well in other activities including her academics- she has done well to get a Cambridge offer.
However she wants to take a break for a few months from driving whilst exams are going on, so she can get the grades she needs to meet her offer.
however I am worried and annoyed that she is giving up too easily, and I wonder if she will ever drive being so nervous about it. Should I push her to continue?

Don't be so pushy.

YABU because there’s no guarantee she’ll even pass. I learned to drive between 17-23, took five tests and failed all of them. Like her I’m an anxious, hesitant and unobservant driver, my reactions are slow, I panic in tricky situations and I fail to spot hazards and I honestly don’t think these things can be taught. The physical aspect of driving can be taught but if you can’t wrap your head around it mentally, that’s much harder. It was giving me stress migraines after each lesson. I live in London and still don’t drive at 34. I would simply never choose to live anywhere that driving was a necessity.

She won’t need a car in Cambridge. Let it go for a while, she’s doing enough.

And you answered it yourself by pointing out that even your neighbours DD could have spent a fortune on ubers…

And I was right. It’s not going to stop the OP’s DDs chosen career because she hasn’t chosen a driving career. And she has taken it into account in her decision to stop

No-one said driving wasn’t useful - just that it’s not absolutely essential for every single person.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings You sound so grumpy! As you said in your previous post, let’s stop engaging. We clearly disagree on this subject.

My parents pushed me to learn to drive at 17, even though I didn’t want to. I remember hysterically crying because I hated it so much. I failed several tests, gave up for a year or so until they insisted I try again. I eventually passed after several more tests and a really great instructor, but always hated driving. I did tentatively drive for a few years, but hated it every time. I’ve not driven for 8 years now. Sometimes I wonder if they hadn’t pushed me, would I have decided in my own time to learn?

Indeed we do.

stop tagging me please.

YABU. I didn't start learning to drive until I was 20, and like your DD I was stressed and anxious. I took a break for around 6 months then picked it up again in a much better mindset. I may well have passed quicker if I stuck with it but I was absolutely not in the right frame of mind. Let her take a break and focus on her exams.

It sounds like what she needs is lots of practice without the pressure of thinking about the test. She should certainly put the test off until well after her A levels. I'd suggest that, if it's not too stressful for her, she gets some regular practice with you and leaves everything else to do with driving to one side.

Why wouldn't she? Even the most pressured internship allows some time off.

I didn't really enjoy learning to drive, it took me ages to get my head round gears and to this day I hate reverse parking. Practising with DH took us close to divorce. Somehow I manage to pass my test at the third try, but I had no real need to drive at that point and then got diverted by having DC1.

However, economic necessity meant I needed to take a job for which driving was essential. So I did a couple of lessons, took the plunge and bought a car, and basically I never looked back. I found it so much less stressful being on my own and not worrying about what anyone else thought, and that meant my confidence built up quite quickly.

For what it's worth, DNephew is in his 30s, lives in London, has never learnt to drive and manages just fine.

So I guess the lesson from all that is that you really don't need to worry about your DD stopping temporarily. If or when she needs to drive, she stands a good chance of getting back into it quite easily, especially when she doesn't have the stress of exams to deal with. Leave her to decide when she wants to do it, and don't worry if she decides she never wants to.

I think YABVU pushing your child to do the driving while she in in the middle of her important exams. Even more so when she says its too much for her and that she wants to focus on her exams. She is actually very smart by recognising this.

I was this child at the same age and honestly, I wish my parents had pushed me to keep learning.

After uni and getting my first job, I was 22. It didn't seem appropriate to ask my parents to pay for lessons at that age and I couldn't afford it myself. Time went on and I coped not being able to drive, I'm now 35 and still can't, and I'm even more anxious about it now. 🙃 Yes its not essential, but it does limit what jobs I can apply for/ where I can choose to live. It's one of my biggest regrets and I think the anxiety would have been easier to get past with a pushy parent helping me.

I think YABU to be 'annoyed' at her, she needs gentle support, but not BU to want her to carry on.

Can you compromise by agreeing on an intensive summer course after university?

OP, I hated learning to drive when I was 18. After about 12 lessons, I gave up and I eventually learned to drive a couple of years later, when I was at university and felt more ready. I passed first time. I’d let her take a break — and if she doesn’t go back to it, that’s her call.

I don't know if it's already been suggested, but could she do an intensive course over a week once her exams are over?

I did it, with my usual instructor, we'd go out for a couple of hours in the morning then break for lunch, then couple more in the afternoon. It helped my nerves a lot, and meant any areas I was struggling with could be focused on during the afternoon sessions.

YABU. Please stop piling on the pressure. Your DD has enough on her plate with exams and she cannot see the urgency at the moment, because there is no urgency (apart from your expectations).
I learnt to drive at 17 because we lived rurally and I was desperate to have freedom, I now live in central London and barely drive more than twice a year. DH grew up in London and only learnt to drive in his 30s despite massive pressure from his parents that he should learn. Again he only drives a few times a year.
I hope - in the future - driving will be seen as less important because there will be better alternatives.

Don’t throw good money after bad. Let her take a break. It might not be for her.

When I was learning my instructor had an op and had to take a month or two off teaching. I didn't want to switch teachers as I had been learning for a while so just waited and did lots of practice with my parents. It was the best thing in the end as it gave me time to increase my confidence without having to pay and I was probably more comfortable with my dad anyway. He used to get me to drive to and from any hobbies instead of giving me a lift. I found the repetition of driving the same few short routes over and over really helped. Are you able to take your daughter out and could you come to some kind of agreement where she takes a break from lessons but drives x times per week on a route she is more comfortable with?

YABU, she is old enough to make her own choices and tbh I think she is being very sensible! She can come back to doing her driving once she’s focused on exams etc, she sounds as though she has a good head on her shoulders! Don’t be annoyed at her for not wanting to do the lessons right now, be proud that she’s sensible enough to know no to take on too much.

i started driving at 17, I suffered with extreme anxiety.. I would get panicky, sweaty and feel sick for each lesson! The only reason I muddled through is because my instructor was great& easy to get along with! I threw up in the test centres for my driving test on two occasions! I’m glad I passed but at the time my parents/family put pressure on me too, very stressful.

trust me, it’s best she focuses on her exams etc and does things one step at a time, she may well feel more at ease/less anxious when she hasn’t got too much to focus on. Don’t be annoyed though!

On this point about the time not being there when she’s a bit older - I passed my driving test at 17, drove around with the insouciant confidence of youth for a year, went to Cambridge and got a job in London and barely drove again. For years. Going back to driving then became incredibly anxiety-inducing - I was terrified to drive in London and had lost the muscle memory - I found every excuse to avoid getting back to it even 3 children in, using public transport or walking or Ubers or a combination of modes. Then one day my husband had an accident that took him out of driving for weeks. I had a toddler, we were fully committed to loads of kids activities that could only reasonably happen by car. So I booked refresher lessons and took a deep breath and within a week I was driving everywhere again. Getting over that bump was one of the hardest things I’ve done and remains one of my proudest achievements (yes really).

so the point of this post is: if I could find time to get back into it with a full-on senior exec job and 3 kids including a toddler and my husband recovering from surgery - I am positive your daughter will find time when it’s right for her.

@Chocolate245 you are being totally unreasonable. Your DD has a great opportunity for uni. Why would you want her to work on driving right now instead? You have the whole summer for that. Take the pressure off the driving; she doesn't even need it. Come back to it later after A levels

but I’m worried that if she doesn’t learn now, she won’t have the time in the future with internship, job etc.

Why add more pressure at this point in her life? Especially if being able to drive isn't really necessary.

When the pupil is ready, the teacher will come.

It's all good now.

No, let her be! Poor girl - she needs space right now not more pressure.

So your DD can't ride a bike as couldn't grasp the coordination, and you have actively observed her struggling with judging situations such as distance and speed travelled...
Ad a driver, let her stay off the roads please.

Also, you sound like my mother.
I'm incredibly low contact with her now in my 30s as the constant feeling of being a disappointment was draining my life energy.

It must've been only about six weeks ago that the lass got her cambridge offer. That was a great outcome but must have been a full on process.

And in six weeks from now or so she's got to perform and meet that offer

Give her a break!

(PS I went to cambridge and learnt to drive after 36)