To be annoyed at DD?

[Chocolate245]

Dd18 has had driving lessons for 5/6 months. We have spent over 2 grand for the lessons, so it has been expensive She was meant to do her test at the beginning of April, but her instructor says she is still so nervous and anxious and will definitely not be ready then. I have taken her out a few times and it is clear that she just gets so stressed when driving, but she has had lots of lessons.

The thing is, DD is doing well in other activities including her academics- she has done well to get a Cambridge offer.
However she wants to take a break for a few months from driving whilst exams are going on, so she can get the grades she needs to meet her offer.
however I am worried and annoyed that she is giving up too easily, and I wonder if she will ever drive being so nervous about it. Should I push her to continue?

Could she be nervous because she knows how critical and judgemental you are? Lord knows how you’d react if she failed her driving test.

Don't push her if she doesn't feel ready (although hold back on unnecessary lifts)

In the 60's my DM used to swallow a few Valium before a driving test. Never learnt to drive.

I don’t think it’s fair to be annoyed by this, she can’t help being an anxious driver and it’s understandable if she doesn’t want the extra pressure whilst trying to meet her entry grades.
Presumably she won’t be driving during term time at university, maybe it’s better for her to delay until a time she will need to drive?
I was similar, had tonnes of lessons, never really found my confidence then left it a few years and began lessons again when I really needed to be driving, I was very motivated to pass my test at that point and did so within four months - did have intensive lessons.

Sounds exactly like me lol! I was very busy studying and doing internships. Not until I left my first graduate job and had a 3 month paid gardening leave I’ve decided I wanted to drive around Europe!!

Plus driving in London is a complete nightmare (assuming that’s where she planning to do her internship).

I’d be worried about her OP.

She seems very very anxious and fragile, and I suspect you exacerbate the situation.

This is not a recipe for positive and robust mental health op

Driving isn’t for everyone. Stop using it as a marker of achievement

People who don't get anxious about driving don't understand. It's usually nothing to do with skill, (and certainly nothing to do with how prestigious your uni is!) For many of us it's the enormity of an activity that should you make an error, could result in someone's death. Driving mistakes are not like other mistakes. The stakes are far higher, and I find it more surprising that so many people do it without anxiety. Your DD isn't one of them, and needs patience and support. The quickest way to destroy her confidence altogether is to pressurise her into doing something she doesn't feel safe to do.

I can predict OP’s DD posting on here in a few years time about how nothing she does is ever good enough for her DM and how she destroyed her mental health trying to please the unpleasable.

Why are you even annoyed?

My DD is 24, just graduated last year from her master's and is now about to learn to drive. She has a FT job so she'll be funding it herself. She'll do it when she's ready.

To be annoyed at your DD in this scenario

rather than worried and concerned. speaks volumes

Some people are just more anxious about driving. Not everyone can be confident about everything.

There are far less people in this world that have ever got an offer for Cambridge, and she has, she’s bloody marvellous!

I was involved in a nasty car accident when I was 17 (I was the passenger). Although I subsequently took lesson at about 19 I was too anxious to persevere.

I eventually took lessons again when I was 30, and I took them in an automatic. The lessons were much easier because I could concentrate on the traffic. I passed and haven’t ever needed to drive a manual car.

So let your daughter be the judge of what she’s capable of. She’s clearly a very clever girl if she’s got that offer from Cambridge.

You sound like my parents. I was pushed and pushed into tests I wasn't ready for, and then subject to The Looks because I failed and let them down and they'd spent so much money.
I learned to drive fairly quickly when I was 27 and moved in with my boyfriend who lived rurally.

I am really proud of DD, she has and continues to do so many great things. I’m just worried she will regret it if I don’t give her a bit of a push her now to keep continuing the driving. Otherwise, especially if she has no immediate need, she may not find the motivation to continue learning to drive. And then when she wants to, the time won’t be there.

Some people thrive on multitasking and some people just don't.
She won't need to have time to learn to drive in the future as she already knows full well how to, she will just need half a dozen lessons to build up her confidence enough to pass her test.
She can do this when she's finished her exams and but there is a time limit after the online test so she may need to re-take that if she leaves it too long.

I think she needs to practice instead of lots of lessons. I don't know if it is allowed, but could you accompany her while she drives every day for half an hour?

I was nervous snd lessons once a week were not enough. I practiced the driving test routes each day Mon to Fri for a good half hour for a few months before the test.

I don't know why everyone expects a person to drive perfectly after 10 or 15 lessons. Surely there is no time to practice skills if you are learning new things all the time. It is like going to college, attending classes, doing no revision and expecting to get on well in exams.

We can relate to you being worried OP

but YOU said you were annoyed

very different emotion

Cut back on formal lessons and get her to drive even 10mins everyday. She sounds like she needs confidence

@Lovelyveg82 I am really worried that she gets anxious. I think annoyed was the wrong word. But she insists she is fine, and that driving is the only thing making her really anxious, she says she can deal with other stresses at the moment. I told her perhaps she should go to the GP to ask about the anxiety but she insists she is fine.

So…

1. Your DD is paralysingly terrified of failure
2. You’re annoyed and worried and planning on pushing her harder because she might fail a test that she can easily take again with no repercussions at all and that most people (and statistically the best people) usually fail at the first attempt.

Do you not think there might be some causation because those two points?

I think you should let your daughter take a break, come back to it in the summer when she has less going on with exams etc and she's had time to rethink. You're counting up how much you've spent, I'm sure she's also acutely aware of this but despite this has asked for a breather from this extra pressure. She has plenty of time to learn to drive.

The people I know who have struggled with driving have done a week long intensive course in an automatic and passed no problem. Might be worth her doing her exams and then doing that after.

I am really proud of DD, she has and continues to do so many great things.

Bloody act like it then. I bet she wouldn’t agree that you’re proud of her. All you’ve done is say how much she disappoints you and how might you’re doing for her.

I went to Cambridge. I can't drive. I've done fine for myself. She really needs to able to ride a bike not drive to get around Cambridge! Let the girl focus on what she really needs to do.

I was exactly the same as your DD. Started driving at 17 doing well at school etc but just got so nervous when driving. I even got put on beta blockers, ended up failing my test 4 times.

I gave up, graduated from uni, started driving again and within a couple of months passed my test on the first attempt this time round.

I’d leave her until she’s ready, she’ll already have most of the skills she needs when she takes it up again.