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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at DD?

246 replies

Chocolate245 · 11/03/2023 16:44

Dd18 has had driving lessons for 5/6 months. We have spent over 2 grand for the lessons, so it has been expensive She was meant to do her test at the beginning of April, but her instructor says she is still so nervous and anxious and will definitely not be ready then. I have taken her out a few times and it is clear that she just gets so stressed when driving, but she has had lots of lessons.

The thing is, DD is doing well in other activities including her academics- she has done well to get a Cambridge offer.
However she wants to take a break for a few months from driving whilst exams are going on, so she can get the grades she needs to meet her offer.
however I am worried and annoyed that she is giving up too easily, and I wonder if she will ever drive being so nervous about it. Should I push her to continue?

OP posts:
Mateyduck · 13/03/2023 19:45

You are upset your dd wants to concentrate on getting into Cambridge? ….seriously?!

Season0fTheWitch · 13/03/2023 19:47

Either get her automatic lessons or get a car she can practice in with you. And calm down, the more you pressure her the worse she'll be

MrsLay · 13/03/2023 20:02

I’m with you OP. Driving is a life skill, why anyone wouldn’t want to drive is beyond me to be honest. My parents put me through my lessons and test at 17 then bought me a car for my 18. They did this for my elder sisters too and I’ll do it for my children. I do think it’s just as important and passing exams. Obviously being offered a place at Cambridge is incredible why can’t she take lessons and do A-Levels? A couple of hours a week of driving lessons wouldn’t disrupt her studying. I would encourage her to keep driving and to take her test in April. If she fails, no big deal just go in for it again, at least then she will have test experience.
I know some people don’t want to drive and maybe she’s one of them and obviously you can’t force that but if it was me everytime she asked for a lift somewhere or moaned about public transport I’d be reminding her that she could have her own freedom and independence if she learnt to drive. Might sound mean but I just think driving is important.

Thepossibility · 13/03/2023 20:09

I was really anxious about driving and was learning for years.
A few different instructors along the way.
Finally I rang up a large driving school and asked for their calmest, nicest instructor.
They sent a sweetheart of an older gentleman and it was amazing.
He was so calm and knowledgeable,
told me some tricks for parking and just really managed to keep me calm. Really changed my mindset about my ability to drive safely and capably.
Only a few lessons later he encouraged me to test and I passed!
And of course left him a huge positive review.
Don't be hard on her, I still remember the panic of learning to drive and to this day I am endlessly patient with learner drivers.

DurdleLau · 13/03/2023 20:25

As a non driver, I see it as an optional extra rather than a necessity to be able to drive, and if someone isn’t ready to do something then forcing them isn’t going to achieve much. I grew up in a big city, public transport was great and I never had a need to drive. I’m only learning now at the grand old age of 38 because I quite fancy learning something new!

Gh12345 · 14/03/2023 06:08

Let her take a break. I picked mine back up at 25 and passed at 26.

Beezknees · 14/03/2023 06:58

MrsLay · 13/03/2023 20:02

I’m with you OP. Driving is a life skill, why anyone wouldn’t want to drive is beyond me to be honest. My parents put me through my lessons and test at 17 then bought me a car for my 18. They did this for my elder sisters too and I’ll do it for my children. I do think it’s just as important and passing exams. Obviously being offered a place at Cambridge is incredible why can’t she take lessons and do A-Levels? A couple of hours a week of driving lessons wouldn’t disrupt her studying. I would encourage her to keep driving and to take her test in April. If she fails, no big deal just go in for it again, at least then she will have test experience.
I know some people don’t want to drive and maybe she’s one of them and obviously you can’t force that but if it was me everytime she asked for a lift somewhere or moaned about public transport I’d be reminding her that she could have her own freedom and independence if she learnt to drive. Might sound mean but I just think driving is important.

I can't drive and I don't have any urge to. Hasn't hindered me one jot. I use public transport and it's fine. I don't need a car to have freedom and independence.

If you want to live a lifestyle where driving is necessary - living rurally for instance - of course it needs to be done. But not for everyone.

Doone21 · 14/03/2023 10:37

Leave her to it. Plenty of other transport options. She'll go back to driving when she needs to. Nearly all cars automatic now which is an easier licence. Her confidence will probably be helped by cycling which is big in Cambridge anyway. Just leave her to fund more lessons and tests if required when older.

DdraigGoch · 14/03/2023 10:47

I started learning to drive at 17 and failed my test twice. I left things a couple of years and passed with only three minors. I just wasn't ready at 17, I needed to do a little more maturing first.

Leave her alone, she can try learning again in a couple of years.

AprilFools2015 · 14/03/2023 18:02

I'm a qualified careers advisor with roles as UCAS coordinator under my belt, aged 46, have never learned to drive, but have graduated uni 3 times. My professional advice is:
driving can wait
exams to get into Cambridge can't (she won't get April, May, June 2023 back).

LighthouseCat · 14/03/2023 18:09

Definitely be guided by her on this. She doesn't need any additional stress in the run up to completing A-levels. It's just not the right time for her. I found driving v stressful at that age. She'll come back to it if/when she needs to.

Mumof3andshattered · 14/03/2023 22:02

Chocolate245 · 11/03/2023 16:51

@Lovelyveg82 we live in an urban area so driving isn’t a necessity, but I’m worried that if she doesn’t learn now, she won’t have the time in the future with internship, job etc.

Leave her alone. She's an adult. If she wants to park it to focus on her exams...that's what she should do. What if she can't get into the uni she wants or get tbe job she wants because she doesn't do well in exams due to all the stress you're putting on her ?

vamptable · 15/03/2023 00:39

I tried to learn to drive at 17. My dad paid for a block of lessons. I was very much like your daughter - couldn't cope with the pressure, too hesitant. So I stopped. I actually found the whole thing very overwhelming and would've HATED to be pressured into carrying on whilst doing my A levels. It would've really impacted me negatively.

I started learning again at 22 and, being that bit older, I was so much more confident and passed first time. She will have plenty of opportunities to learn in the future. Please don't pile the pressure on her just because you are angry about having lost money. She will never get another opportunity to ace this exams first time. I worked in the lab at Cambridge and it is an incredible institution in a lovely, warm city - please let her focus on this.

vamptable · 15/03/2023 00:49

Also I will second PP in that she won't need to drive for the next three years at least. In fact it would basically be impossible for her in Cambridge - there is no parking so everyone cycles.

MrsToothyBitch · 15/03/2023 02:25

I would keep driving but take the heat off her- and don't show your annoyance. Don't set-up an anxious, test driven person for an optional test they know they'll likely fail, and never pressure anyone to drive when they're not ready- you owe it to everyone else on the road!!!

I would still go for drives or have lessons around her study leave if she can cope- it can be a good activity to break up study sessions, but no pressure to test. She can try for that in the summer/autumn. My driving instructor was definitely used to people struggling/going to pieces around their a-levels and either taking a driving break or having a few very gentle lessons! I couldn't pass my bastard theory- I was nearly driving at 18 and ended up passing at 22 once I'd got uni out the way and could concentrate solely on passing theory and then practical.

Wrt anxiety- I have an anxiety diagnosis and driving is a stresser for me. Driving more often helped me gain confidence, but help your dd look for techniques that will help her feel more in control of it as well as practicing. Could an instructor spend a lesson really focusing on the things that stress her out most in the car and practice and praise?

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 15/03/2023 13:49

You're placing far too much importance on her learning to drive now rather than in a few years time. Plenty of people manage student life and then fast paced professional roles without driving.

She will be fine - and having to rely on public transport will be much better for her skills of independence and resilience than hopping into a car whenever she wants.

She can easily learn in her twenties without it impacting her career.

YouOKHun · 15/03/2023 19:29

You're placing far too much importance on her learning to drive now rather than in a few years time

or perhaps OP is placing far too much importance on her DD being successful in all areas and is allowing herself to catastrophise any struggles her DD has? I’m getting parental perfectionism vibes from this thread.

DelurkingLawyer · 15/03/2023 19:36

I was a terrible driver at 17 and failed my test twice before giving up to concentrate on getting my results for Oxford. Going there from my local comprehensive changed my life and enabled me to get a great job, way beyond my parents ever dreamed of. I eventually learned to drive at 35. It’s useful but it didn’t remotely change my life or my prospects.

Forget about the driving. Imagine how you and more importantly your daughter will feel in 6m time when you can say “oh well she didn’t make her Cambridge offer but hey she passed her driving test.”

katepilar · 15/03/2023 20:40

GP cant do anything about having anxiety from having too much going on. Your daugter is smart enough to say she wants to manage her load and does the right prioritising to do so. Yet you keep pressuring her and are sending her to GP, presumably you want her to start medication. Medication doesnt help with being overloaded and can cause more problems than good.

katepilar · 15/03/2023 20:50

@MrsLay "why anyone wouldn’t want to drive is beyond me to be honest"

That sounds pretty narrow minded to me :/

MissingMoominMamma · 15/03/2023 20:53

I couldn’t get it when I first started. I tried again when I was 24 and it just clicked.

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