To be annoyed at DD?

[Chocolate245]

Dd18 has had driving lessons for 5/6 months. We have spent over 2 grand for the lessons, so it has been expensive She was meant to do her test at the beginning of April, but her instructor says she is still so nervous and anxious and will definitely not be ready then. I have taken her out a few times and it is clear that she just gets so stressed when driving, but she has had lots of lessons.

The thing is, DD is doing well in other activities including her academics- she has done well to get a Cambridge offer.
However she wants to take a break for a few months from driving whilst exams are going on, so she can get the grades she needs to meet her offer.
however I am worried and annoyed that she is giving up too easily, and I wonder if she will ever drive being so nervous about it. Should I push her to continue?

HAve you heard yourself "I'm worried she won't have time to learn to drive later?"

She will learn if and when she wants and needs to. She's an adult now.

Surely her exams take priority right now?

If need be get her on one of the intensive courses in the summer.

I know you say you're worried she won't find the time later down the line OP, but honestly that is a non issue.

If she did it now and passed, there's no way she'd be driving around Cambridge while at uni, so when she qualifies, with that level of driving anxiety, she'd likely need to find the same time for refresher lessons before she actually got in a car.

I did lessons at 18 too and felt similar in that the driving was the straw that was breaking me. With so much going on, I needed something to give. Ultimately driving was the only thing that COULD give, so I stopped. I worked for a while, travelled a bit, and then did my lessons after I'd started uni as my placement hospital was a nightmare to get to.

I needed it and that gave me the enthusiasm for it, so I did it.

Funnily enough my best friend (32) who is a single mother to a 19 month old and works full time, has just passed her test after huge driving anxiety stopped her taking it at 18 and then she just didn't find a need for it.

Ultimately I think you need to listen to your daughter. She sounds very switched on and is recognising her own rising anxiety and managing that by making necessary decisions. Pushing her now will do nothing for her mental health nor her confidence.

You've done everything you could to help her with this but if it isn't working, it just isn't working!

Don’t be ridiculous, she’s only 18!

Two words really

BACK
OFF

I think back off and re start after exams when there’s less pressure. She’s got all summer then.

I started learning to drive at 18 and I was just too nervous. I went back to it at 23 and passed. You're being unreasonable. Some people take longer and she is being sensible to focus on her studies.

@YouOKHun She can’t cycle too, she has poor coordination and hated it when trying to learn when she was much younger. She has never wanted to learn since (fortunately the Cambridge college she got an offer from is quite central) and I haven’t pushed it. Tbh that is what I am worried will happen with driving, she will just never try again.

I think there comes a point when learning to drive when it does feel really hard.
I reached this point and wanted to give up but my dad strongly encouraged me to continue and I'm so glad he did.
£2000 is a lot of money!

Is she driving a manual or auto? If manual, get her to change as I was exactly the same in a manual.

if she is already in an auto, then let her take a break until after her exams.

Leave her be. She can pick it up after Uni if necessary. DT’s had lessons at 17; DD passed first time , DS much less confident, found driving stressful, failed test and then went to Uni in London and had no need for a car. After Uni he had a handful of refresher lessons and passed. He enjoys driving and has driven extensively abroad, including in Riyadh.

Wow, let her make her choice on this but maybe ask her to keep her eye in with the odd lesson here and there. If she's got Cambridge on her radar then I imagine that's incredibly stressful. She might coast through a test in summer.

Could she have dyspraxia?

Blimey will you be like this with her studies at Cambridge 🥴

Honestly OP, you sound quite highly strung and personally overly invested in her driving tests/life schedule, although I'm sure we'll meaning I think you are negatively affecting your DDs emotional health.

She has plenty of time to relearn if she wishes, you need to trust her when she says she isn't ready, stop placing unnecessary pressure on her.

I hate to mention this but every year there are stories about highly achieving 18/19yr olds ending their own lives because of too much pressure to succeed in Every. Little. Thing.

Take a step back and perhaps see the gp about your own anxiety.

I failed my first test when I was 17. I was just a bit confused by it all. I took a break didn’t drive for a quite a few months, watched others drive which helped and then got back behind the wheel and felt much better. I passed second time. Give her space to do it in her own time.

I agree with PP’s let her take a break and focus on her exams, she can return to driving later. At this point, it’s a waste of everyone’s time and money.

I do understand your point about internships as some might need a driving license-not all obviously, but some of them.

I know this as a neighbor’s DD was required to have one for hers as she needed to drive to various sites that weren’t accessible by public transport (she studied Earth Sciences). She wasn’t interested in driving at 17, but when she realized it was needed for certain internships, she focused on driving the summer after her first year at uni and passed.

What kind of mother are you? A supportive, nurturing and dependable one or someone who gets their back up easily when it doesn’t suit you?

She’d your daughter for goodness sake! Not your employee!

I tried to learn to drive at 17 and found it really difficult. I'm now 26 and learning to drive and finding it much easier (also learning automatic) than when I first tried. If her test is booked for April and needs to be moved which would likely be May/June initially it will overlap with her exams and put her under a lot of pressure and risk that Cambridge offer unnecessarily. One thing at a time, don't push any further.

She sounds perfectlly sensible to me..
You seem to be pressuring her too much imho.

Are you my mum? It's good she's focused on exams. Maybe she'll get to a less anxious point, maybe she won't but leave her focus on her exams and don't make her stressed by driving if you don't have to

My DD is in her first year at uni. She has driven once since passing three months ago. She is too busy with her course work. It has also been very poor weather where we live. She could take her car to uni but actually doesn't need it. Everything is in walking distance.
I, on the other hand took years to learn to drive. My siblings took the piss every time I failed. It destroyed my confidence. I got the same feed back from my mother, you're too nervous etc. When I finally pasted I went on to drive 1000 miles a week in my early career. I am the safest driver I know. I drive huge cars, small cars, trucks, I don't care. And I tried every alternative solution to pass (hypnotherapy, acupuncture, fluttery lashes). I wasn't ready and I passed when I was ready and safe. As an aside I went to Oxford so driving ability is not linked to academic attainment!

A nervous driver is a danger to themselves and other road users. Just give her a bit of space, let her get past the exams first. She - and you - will know when the time is right to restart.

And if it never happens, what you save on petrol, insurance, MOT, service etc can be spent on ubers instead. Swings and roundabouts.

If she never learnt to cycle, I would accept that it is just going to take a long time and that your job is to build her confidence as much as possible and I would just take her regularly for short bursts round the side streets and practise lots of the manoeuvres and parking tricks so she at least gains confidence that way.

In the long run, her A level results and top uni offer are far more important than passing her driving test. She sounds like a very safe driver and once she eventually passes, she will be absolutely fine. Probably just massively overthinking it. The more practice she gets in a non pressured environment the more in control she will feel and that is important.

I wanted to comment as soon as I saw your opening post, but having seen this one, I genuinely feel obliged to speak up.

I could have been your daughter. I HATED trying to learn to drive. I also cannot cycle (something else everyone is supposed to be able to pick up easily), which is mainly down to the same lack of coordination your daughter deals with. When my driving instructor got frustrated with me and said “But you can ride a bike, can’t you?”, he was horrified when I said no - and his solution was for me to learn 🙄 I, like your daughter, like to concentrate on one thing at once, and said I felt that would be like taking up French lessons to help me master German.

I had tons of lessons and didn’t get any better. I refused point blank to go out with my dad as he has zero patience, but I did with my mom, who, the last time she took me out, (albeit inadvertently) made me feel worse about it by saying in this bewildered tone “But you seem worse now than you were before; you seem more nervous than ever” - as if this would somehow make me less nervous.

It really struck a chord that you opened your post with how much the lessons had cost you. I got the same speech - let’s be honest, the same guilt trip - from my dad. I already felt shit and he made me feel worse. In the end, I had to just keep telling him that he could cut his losses now, or keep paying out even more for the same result.

Your daughter is about to embark on a Cambridge degree. That’s amazing! Support her with this fantastic thing that she’s doing. Don’t make her feel like crap because she hasn’t had the same success in another area.

Why are you worried if she doesn’t?

plenty of people survive life without being able to drive (or without being able to afford to learn or have a car).