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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at DD?

246 replies

Chocolate245 · 11/03/2023 16:44

Dd18 has had driving lessons for 5/6 months. We have spent over 2 grand for the lessons, so it has been expensive She was meant to do her test at the beginning of April, but her instructor says she is still so nervous and anxious and will definitely not be ready then. I have taken her out a few times and it is clear that she just gets so stressed when driving, but she has had lots of lessons.

The thing is, DD is doing well in other activities including her academics- she has done well to get a Cambridge offer.
However she wants to take a break for a few months from driving whilst exams are going on, so she can get the grades she needs to meet her offer.
however I am worried and annoyed that she is giving up too easily, and I wonder if she will ever drive being so nervous about it. Should I push her to continue?

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 11/03/2023 23:21

some people just arent ready i took 3 tests at 17 and realisediw asnt getting anywhere and left it

i decided to try again at 32 and passed-its not the end of the world the more you push the more stressed she will get about it

Houseplantmad · 11/03/2023 23:24

This can’t be real. No-one could be so tone deaf as to willingly want to add to the anxiety their child is already experiencing.

Gabby8 · 12/03/2023 15:23

It took me a while to pass my test- a break did me the world of good, I found beta blockers and having no pressure whatsoever helped me ( only me and my driving instructor knew when my test was). I think you are putting pressure on unnecessarily which is sad and counter productive. Every time she gets behind the wheel right now its probably reinforcing a negative experience.

Not everyone is good at everything and she’s clearly very talented and academic I would be focussing on that rather than the driving. I think you are being very unreasonable to be annoyed when she is clearly genuinely anxious, she can’t help it.

Charliebear2020 · 12/03/2023 15:23

I was exactly the same. I had a short break and passed first time. I was still nervous when I re-attempted driving but I used a product called rescue remedy from boots - it worked a treat. I used the drops in your tongue but you could also put the drops in water which I did on my test. Maybe give it a go as I found it really helps. I did a mock test with my instructor 2 days before my test and she scored me as having about 6 or 7 majors. On test day with rescue remedy, I got 7 minors. Maybe give that a go, if not a break does help. I had 8 lessons when re-starting before I did my test xx

ElfineHawkMonitor · 12/03/2023 15:25

This sounds like me. I had lessons at 17 (from my dad), then my family paid for me to have (lots more) lessons when I was 21. I hated driving, didn’t push for lessons, made slow progress, and was never ready to take a test. Subsequently spent a decade living in cities where a car would have been a hindrance. Fast forward to when I was 31 and pregnant we moved from a city to the countryside, I booked myself several lessons a week and passed my test within a few weeks. The point is I did it when I was ready, when I needed to be able to drive. I have driven every day since. My advice is leave her to it, she’ll do it when she’s good and ready, it’s not your responsibility.

jodes88 · 12/03/2023 15:28

I had lessons at 17/18 funded by the bank of mum and dad then went to uni and had a gap. I had around 10 lessons at 23 and then passed so the skills didn't go but I really wasn't that bothered, didn't need to and probably couldn't have afforded to run a car until then. I actually passed my test the Fri and started a job the Mon which I needed to drive for! I would say let her be and have a gap and focus on other things.

Mortimercat · 12/03/2023 15:33

Chocolate245 · 11/03/2023 16:51

@Lovelyveg82 we live in an urban area so driving isn’t a necessity, but I’m worried that if she doesn’t learn now, she won’t have the time in the future with internship, job etc.

Leave her alone! If she wants to learn to drive later she will do, not everybody learns to drive by 18. Her A levels are far more important and you are obviously stressing her out over driving.

Mortimercat · 12/03/2023 15:36

Chocolate245 · 11/03/2023 18:09

@YetMoreNewBeginnings Yes she wants to work in finance in London or another big city, so she says driving is not essential.
But I’m thinking driving is still necessary in outer London, and what if she wants to move somewhere else if she can’t find a London job for example?

If she wants to work in finance, there would be nowhere she would be more likely to find a job than in London.

Ames85 · 12/03/2023 15:49

It’s a tricky situation. All you can do is offer your support and reasons you feel now is best, then it’s up to her. I am grateful that my Dad encouraged me to continue when I was struggling with learning to drive. I doubt I’d have tried again. I don’t enjoy driving but am glad I am able to for work and the kids.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 12/03/2023 16:00

I started learning to drive at 17, had lessons for over a year but was really anxious about it, I dreaded my lessons, worried about it constantly and failed more than one test making stupid mistakes from overthinking.

I ended up giving up for exams and when I went to uni and then lived in areas where it wasn’t a necessity. I went back to driving when I moved somewhere more rural aged 30 and very quickly picked it back up, felt much calmer about driving as an adult and passed with far less stress. I had remembered a lot of what I’d learnt as a teen so didn’t have to start my lessons right from the beginning.

If your DD isn’t ready to drive yet then don’t push it, let her do it in her own time. The lessons she’s had now won’t be wasted, she will retain the basic skills you’ve taught her. She can also continue to drive your car at home, you may find once the pressure of a test stops looming over her she develops in confidence and becomes a better driver.

99victoria · 12/03/2023 16:02

I took - and failed - my driving test 3 times when I was 17/18 before going off to University. I didn't drive again until my son was a few months old and I was 24. I took lessons for a few months and passed on my first attempt.

Maybe your daughter just isn't ready to drive yet

TiaraBoo · 12/03/2023 16:02

There’s no point in continuing driving lessons if she has this anxiety about driving. Maybe as she gets older, she’ll feel more confident.
Thus is what my DB did, he didn’t learn at 17 but waited until he felt ready and did an intensive driving course and passed. I wish I did the same, instead my mum insisted it was a skill I had to learn and it must’ve cost an absolute fortune. It wasn’t until something clicked in my head (my dad was driving us back from holiday - 7 hours) and I thought I could do better than this! I literally went from a beginner to being able to pass my test in a few weeks once I found the confidence.

namechange3394 · 12/03/2023 16:05

Cambridge students aren't allowed cars anyway! No wonder she's bloody nervous if you're this worried about it. Back off.

extramile · 12/03/2023 16:08

This was very similar to my situation when I learnt to drive back in sixth form. I was fine in lessons, but when it came to the test I was so nervous my legs were shaking, and I made lots of mistakes. I felt a lot of pressure because my parents were paying for the lessons. In the end, after two failed tests, I took a break and focused on my studies ( I also had a Cambridge offer).

If your daughter goes to Cambridge, she won't really need to drive. Students aren't allowed to bring cars and everyone travels around by bike. In the end, I took lessons again when I was 27, paid for them myself, and all the pressure was off. I passed easily first time.

Running a car is expensive, and depending on where you live, it's not always necessary to drive. I have several friends who learnt to drive at 17/18 but no longer drive now, as they live in areas where it's more convenient and less stressful to use public transport. I still live in Cambridge and barely ever need to drive.

It makes much more sense for your daughter to quit driving lessons and focus on her studies. She can learn to drive at any time and is much more likely to succeed if the pressure is off. On the other hand, juggling too many things at once might result in her failing to meet her predicted grades. It's not a sign of weakness to limit what you have on your plate - protecting her mental health is far more important.

FancyFran · 12/03/2023 16:09

My son works in a financial role. He passed 5 days after his 17th birthday. He is in London with four friends. He is the only one that keeps a car. Drives it once a week to buy food . I did post up thread about my long adventure learning to drive. Move your daughters test to a later date, someone will be grateful for the earlier date. If she's still not ready move it again. You can move it 5 times I think. And let her drive for pleasure. It is easier in the summer. She can go out on weekends home. And it really doesn't matter if she takes her time. She will be safer. It is much harder to learn to drive now then when we were young adults and the pass rate is only 52%!

Sarahjaykay · 12/03/2023 16:15

Sound like my DM with driving. I was petrified & I passed in my own good time at 21.

elmo1990 · 12/03/2023 16:39

YABU, she's only 18, I did lessons at that age but didn't get as far as a test. I then started again at 28 and passed about a year later. My brother is currently trying to learn. She has plenty of time, plus even if she passes will she be able to afford to run a car!

mrstiggywinklesapron · 12/03/2023 16:46

One of my lecturers at oxbridge once said that they'd observed so many high achieving students utterly crushed by failing their driving test as it's often the first thing they'd failed at. I remember them saying that because it was certainly true for me! I failed twice, watched my friends sailing through. It massively knocked my confidence.

So cut her some slack!! Also she won't be allowed to take a car to Cambridge anyway, there's not enough parking for students, so won't be driving during term time for years if she goes.

Lovelyveg82 · 12/03/2023 16:51

If you go to Cambridge OR Oxford… do you say you go to “Oxbridge”? 😐

Climbles · 12/03/2023 16:56

Sounds like you are anxious about her being anxious. The apple doesn’t fall to far from the tree it seems.

zingally · 12/03/2023 17:26

TBH, your dd reminds me a lot of myself at that age. HATED learning to drive and found the whole experience fairly nightmarish.
If I'd been left to my own accord, I'd have done what your dd wants to do, and given it a rest for a bit - but my parents would never have allowed it, so I never asked. Especially as they were paying for it all.

I think though, it gave me my first proper adult experience of putting my head down and plowing through something I hated, to get to an end goal. I knew I wanted a driving license (for future me as much as anything), and to get there I was just going to have to suck it up and deal with it.

It took me 5 goes to pass my test, but I was so, so proud when I did.

I'd encourage her to keep at it, if only as a gift to her future self.

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 12/03/2023 17:26

Maybe stop pressuring your adult child to do something that’s not actually essential for life… Jeez. Controlling much?
Like OK, you paid for it, but clearly she’s not comfortable. It would probably do her some good to stop. I can imagine her being so anxious because she knows how much money you put down for it and she thinks she’s failing…

Mrscooper13 · 12/03/2023 20:17

I started at about 23/24 my driving lessons.
I was so nervous I only ever did 1hr lessons because I couldn’t cope with any longer. I did about 30 plus lessons and my driver suddenly said I wasn’t ready and ghosted me.

Got a new instructor still nervous but another 20 lessons and I passed first time.

I still hate driving and I get so much tension driving and avoid motor ways but it’s definitely worth it.

So she definitely will be capable of doing it but I don’t think you should put pressure on her because people think as soon as you get to 18 you must need to drive.

maybe try an alternative driving instructor
or come back to it when she is actually going to need to drive

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 12/03/2023 21:10

I did my first test in April, failed, stopped for a while and then took the test and passed in the August right before starting uni. By then I was a lot less stressed about exams.

Nothing2CHere · 13/03/2023 19:43

It’s probably quite dangerous for her to be out on the road if she’s that anxious - for both her and other road users. And the anxiety around driving probably won’t lessen if she is being pushed into doing it now.

My DH grew up in London and didn’t learn to (or need to learn to) drive until his mid-late 30s. So it can be done. If your daughter needs to be driving later on in life she will learn then and will probably be able to be more rational and calm about it.