To be annoyed at DD?

[Chocolate245]

Dd18 has had driving lessons for 5/6 months. We have spent over 2 grand for the lessons, so it has been expensive She was meant to do her test at the beginning of April, but her instructor says she is still so nervous and anxious and will definitely not be ready then. I have taken her out a few times and it is clear that she just gets so stressed when driving, but she has had lots of lessons.

The thing is, DD is doing well in other activities including her academics- she has done well to get a Cambridge offer.
However she wants to take a break for a few months from driving whilst exams are going on, so she can get the grades she needs to meet her offer.
however I am worried and annoyed that she is giving up too easily, and I wonder if she will ever drive being so nervous about it. Should I push her to continue?

£2000 is a lot of money!

£3000 is even more. What if OP’s daughter still can’t drive £1000 later? Does OP spend another £1000 and put even more pressure on her daughter, because now it’s £3000 “wasted”?

The phrase “Cut your losses” is worth considering here.

I failed my test 6 times because I was so nervous and anxious, I had the same examiner for every test and he was horrible. I gave up and after 2 years met my old instructor, he told me the examiner had been moved due to complaints so I started from scratch with a new instructor and passed on my next test. Give your DD a break, let her learn when she is ready.

So she also struggles with coordination yet you’re still annoyed - really?! Plus we now hear she also will be at a central Cambridge college so doesn’t need to do either.

You’re an absolute nightmare.

I first learned to drive at 16 (minimum legal age where I live) but it just didn't click. I gave up and tried again at 20 and passed within 2 months.

OMG

You're not allowed a car as an undergrad at Cambridge, unless you have some actual reason (I knew a varsity golf player who had one for her clubs 😂😂😂)

She has to ace her A-levels

Just stop!! (Signed, a Cambridge grad who had lessons at 17, didn't take the test, then learned in my thirties when I actually needed to)

Give the girl a break. If she wants to get her license at a later date she'll find the time. And if she doesn't - who cares? A lot of people don't drive and get around fine. It's a non issue.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings I imagine that the OP is aware that being a non-driver could restrict her DD’s future options re. future internships and jobs. Depending on the field she’s interested in, it could.

But, the OP needs to accept that now isn’t the time to discuss this and let her DD focus on her exams. Have the conversation another time.

I’m more concerned about the poor girls mental health, having a pushy parent like you.

Cambridge is no walk in the walk and I fear you are putting too much pressure on her generally - the driving being a big red flag to me as an indicator of wider issues which you mention.

Is she your only child, @Chocolate245? I ask because you seem overly invested in all this, including the Cambridge offer.

Beyond making the usual encouraging noises, I wasn't involved with my DC's university applications or driving lessons (other than paying for the lessons). One hasn't started to learn yet as she's not interested. I said "fine".

I wonder if you're making it a bigger thing for your DD than it needs to be. I also wonder if she's feeling that you're only proud of her when she achieves something, rather than just being herself.

Sounds like your expectations for her to drive don't match her desire.
After that amount of lessons in an automatic I'd say she probably needs a different instructor who can deal with her anxiety/nerves. Is she neurodivergent at all? I am, and it took me an eternity to learn to drive... In the end I got bought a car and drove everywhere for 5 months... We never went anywhere together when I didn't drive. It was a lot cheaper than lessons and I passed 1st time feeling confident

I didn't learn to drive until I was 30. (lack of necessity rather than nervousness)

Back off op. You sound like the money you've invested in her lessons means more to you than her wellbeing.

I didn't learn to drive at 18 as I was too nervous. I also went to Cambridge. I learned in Cambridge at 23, but was in Cambridge for 20 years and never needed a car until I moved up north. Had to relearn then (though didn't need to pass another test). She won't be allowed a car in Cambridge anyway. Wait until she's ready or she'll just get more nervous.

Driving is a mad thing to focus on when you're going to Cambridge!

If she hasn't the co-ordination to ride a bike, it's not surprising driving's very difficult. I can ride a bike but am unsporty and uncoordinated. I had to have 2 or 3 times as many driving lessons as anyone I know and passed on the 4th go.

I became a reasonable and safe driver but I if I don't do it much, I quickly lose confidence.

Forget the driving but do focus on mental health as Cambridge is very hard on that.

Unless she wants to be a taxi, bus, lorry or delivery driver it won’t stop her choice of career. Millions of people manage just fine to have successful careers without driving.

Plus if her DD is smart enough to have an offer for Cambridge then I’m assuming she’s smart enough to know how restrictive, or not, not driving will be.

that angle didn’t feature anywhere in the OP’s concerns.

If she wants to, she will find the time. Stop worrying on her behalf.

I remember learning to drive & being made to drive as much as possible.

It was bloody awful especially when it was my mum next to me!

I was never a natural driver,

Was always on edge & glad to get the journey done even some years after I passed my test.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings Yes she wants to work in finance in London or another big city, so she says driving is not essential.
But I’m thinking driving is still necessary in outer London, and what if she wants to move somewhere else if she can’t find a London job for example?

It may be handy but it isn’t necessary anywhere it may just take extra planning.

as an adult she can make the decisions what is best for her

So, your DD is clever enough to go to Cambridge, clever enough to have thought about her career options, but you think she’s not capable of thinking through those permutations?

Give her some credit. She sounds like a smart kid with her had screwed on.

If she can’t do it she can’t do it. Pushing her relentlessly is simply going to impact her studies (as she’s told you very clearly) and that is going to have a much greater impact on her future than driving.

Oh for goodness' sake. Never mind the 'what if's. If she gets a job which means she'll have to drive, then she'll learn to drive.

You do know that places that aren't London have public transport, don't you?

It's starting to be clear why she's so anxious if everything is a "what if...?"

Leave her alone!

No you should absolutely not push her and completely drop it. That’s way too much pressure and she’s clearly nervous and anxious. She has massive pressure trying to make sure she gets the grades for her offer. It feels like you’ve forgotten she’s a little human being who is doing her best. She’s not here to just achieve at a rate that you approve of, time to give her a hug and tell her she’s doing well and let the driving go for now. It’s too much and she’s going to crack under the pressure you’re adding to the pressure she’s obviously already putting on herself.

What if she does end up not in central London. She'll be an adult presumably capable of checking public transport before she picks where to live.

Do you really not think she'd be capable of that? You seem to have absolutely no faith in her ability to do any sort of grown-upping at all.

I live in outer London. It is sometimes convenient to have a car, but taxis are easy to book. Besides, if the mayor really is going to push ULEZ through there will be more buses.

Your DD like anyone else will take transport into consideration when looking for jobs, presumably.

You would have hated having me as a daughter. I was so anxious learning to drive. I passed eventually when I was 32 weeks pregnant.

I used to find it worse that I was great at passing exams, just not a driving test…

I love driving now. Ok, I keep away from motorways but I get around ok.

OP, I dont think your a nightmare as some have said, I just think you want your DD to be as prepared as possible for the wide world outside school. However, I think you need to be guided by her, and just let go of the idea she's going to get a driving licence right now. It will happen later, after exams, or maybe not ever, but let her set the pace.