To be annoyed at DD?

[Chocolate245]

Dd18 has had driving lessons for 5/6 months. We have spent over 2 grand for the lessons, so it has been expensive She was meant to do her test at the beginning of April, but her instructor says she is still so nervous and anxious and will definitely not be ready then. I have taken her out a few times and it is clear that she just gets so stressed when driving, but she has had lots of lessons.

The thing is, DD is doing well in other activities including her academics- she has done well to get a Cambridge offer.
However she wants to take a break for a few months from driving whilst exams are going on, so she can get the grades she needs to meet her offer.
however I am worried and annoyed that she is giving up too easily, and I wonder if she will ever drive being so nervous about it. Should I push her to continue?

YABU, driving isn't for everyone.

Surely her exams are more important?!

There is no maybe about it, she has told you she isn’t ready, you can see she isn’t ready, and the driving instructor has told you she’s not ready.

I was always a very academic young woman resulting in excellent qualifications giving me the opportunity to do the job that I do.

I have a successful marriage with a beautiful son.

But.

I didn't pass my driving test until 2021 when I was 37. I started when I was 17.

Because of extreme driving anxiety I gave up more times than I care to remember and people close to me (as well as every other person I knew) breathing down my neck, telling me that if I 'didn't do it now I would never do it' did more harm than good.

Your daughter going to Cambridge has absolutely no bearing on her ability to drive or her being anxious about it. A university education from anywhere is entirely irrelevant!! I think it's time you took a step back, let her make her own choices about it and leave her alone because you are going to make her anxiety worse.

You get one good chance, two if you're lucky to do your A-levels, besides, she wont need a car in Cambridge anyway......

Let her sit her exams, take her out once a week in your car to keep her skills ticking over, if she really wants to pass her test, do some intensive lessons over the summer.

She probably feels the pressure from you and it's making it worse

I'd be very proud if my DCs were that mature at 18, sounds very sensible to prioritise her exams!

Same happened to me. I had lessons but somehow it struck me as I was driving along how dangerous it all was and how I didn't really feel in control. I begged to be let off until I had done my A levels. This stretched until after my degree but I did pass aged 22 whilst doing a post grad course.

This was all exacerbated by my younger brother passing at 17, but no amount of "Well Freddie did it and he's younger than you" could "shame" me into learning before I was ready.

Have been driving ever since - and now I'm 67. He's still driving too at 65. She isn't ready - you can't force her to be ready before she is.

I'd let her take a break from driving lessons to focus on exams (they only happen once; but she can learn to drive /take d-tests at any time ).

Then later on, when she's ready, consider finding an instructor who specialises in very nervous drivers.. maybe a residential course?

YABU. I was like your dd. I could have coped with the exam pressure or the driving. I picked the exams as they were fairly obviously more important for my immediate future and fortunately my parents were supportive of me.

Passed my test first time, when I was ready to take it.

Poor girl, let her do her exams. I am twice her age and have paused my own driving lessons while I have other things going on, it takes a lot of energy and focus. Think about how much getting into Cambridge will impact her life, versus how much passing her test a year later will.

DD had lessons at 18, hated driving. Shelved it totally, she finally learnt and passed her test at the first time at 30.

Wow I think you are putting way too much pressure on her. Has she got loads of plans for the summer ,can she not drive when the A’levels finish .
I think she is mature to realise she needs a break from it at the moment .It’s a shame you cannot see that.
Driving is not for everybody anyhow .

So you really think that once she has graduated she won't ever have enough time to learn to drive? Ever? Because she'll be working or sleeping with no time for anything else. Ever. Till she retires.

OP you're catastrophising massively. You might want to think about how having a massively catastrophising mother and an anxious daughter are related. Cambridge as an environment is incredibly tough. Are both of you robust enough?

Some people aren’t cut out to be drivers.

The roads would be a much safer place if people who can’t drive safely stayed off them.

If she’s not able to do it then let it drop. If she goes back to it then great. If she doesn’t then that’s up to her.

Sounds like driving might not be for her. She'll be in good company in Cambridge! It's not essential. I'm in my 40s and don't drive. Never done me any harm whatsoever. YABVU.

Okay those are her plans. Good! But you can do driving lessons at weekends and in the evenings. Please take the pressure off. She's obviously putting herself under a huge amount of pressure.

Please don't be annoyed with her. The lessons you've paid for aren't wasted. And it's not like she's not trying so I'm really confused why you're annoyed with her.

Wow.

Let her make her own decisions and revise for her exams if that's what she wants to prioritise. She is an adult and old enough to make her own decisions. If she can't, she needs to live with the consequences until she sorts them out herself.

I bought my son driving lessons for his 17th birthday, I assumed he'd be keen to get started and didn't discuss it with him. He had 5 lessons but he didn't take to driving - he wasn't ready, so he gave it a rest for 10years! He passed his test at 28. When I look back I'm pleased he didn't carry on with it when he was so young.

Her exams and MH are far more important than driving.

Listen to her.

I was exactly the same as your DD.

I eventually passed my test at 28. Please don't push her - it won't help.

Does she cycle? She will be doing quite a bit in Cambridge I think.
Doing more cycling gave me a better understanding of the road and road decision making without worrying about what to do with a car! For example cycling really helped me with roundabouts. Could you encourage her to do that?
I’d lay off, I live in London and only learned at 30 before having children. It was fine.
I wouldn’t make her distracted during her exams especially if she has high grades to achieve, you’ll kick yourself if she misses them because she’s stressed.

I started learning to drive at the same age as your DD. Realised I wasn’t ready so paused for 12 months then started again when I was much more ready and have been driving since

I'd gently suggest that the practice should come before passing her test, not after.

Either way, if she never passes her test, which by your own admission isn't a necessity, how big a deal is it?

Quite a few of my friends who passed their tests then immediately went off to university and didn’t drive, followed by jobs in London where again they didn’t drive. Even though they’d passed their tests one or two went for refresher lessons once they had to drive later (young family and/or move to a more rural area). When she really needs to drive she will probably sort it out for herself then.

Does it matter really? She knows what’s best for her and needs to have agency in her own life. She’d be better off doing her Cycling Proficiency test for Cambridge!

God you’re annoying.

Your DD is stressed and anxious (your words). You live in an area where it’s not essential she drive. The instructor says she’s not ready. She has an offer to Cambridge and presumably has a lot of pressure or get those grades come exams in a matter of months.

None of that is good enough for you as you think she should have passed by now. WTF is wrong with you?